On Memorial Day?!? I just have to tell what happened today. I'm screaming inside!

[Liberal In Red State]

My Mother-in-law died on April 1st. My Husband and his sister are the beneficiaries under the will. Everything to be split 50/50. His sister was named as executor. As executor she was demanding that All funds be turned over to her and that she would pay the bills and divide everything. The cash assets were in IRA accounts with named beneficiaries. My husband was the named beneficiary on one account and she demanded he needed to turn the money over to her as executor. My husband wanted an accounting of what the assets and liabilities were, and was told he would get that information at the end. He confirmed that paid-on-death beneficiaries and transfer on death deeds for real estate pass outside of probate and outside the control of the executor. So he decided that he would not give her the money until he had seen everything. He still intended to share it with her once he could confirm that everything had been handled fairly.

Today, Memorial Day, his sister basically tried to extort my husband by saying that she is going to sell his Father’s Flag that draped his casket when he was buried at Arlington National Cemetery for $100 to pay bills! His Dad was a WWII B-17 pilot and his actions in wartime qualified him to be buried At Arlington. Really? Sell the Flag? When there is a car to sell? China? Etc.

Well my husband was not going to be extorted over the Flag. All he wanted was to see everything that was been done - something his sister would not share. I’m sad for him and my son - the only grandchild in the family - my husband’s sister has no children.

Thanks for letting me unload. I’ve been crying inside for my husband all day, but I understand why he did what he did. On the other hand, my son (27) is livid - he is demanding a receipt for the Flag and trying to buy it back.

This 2 month nightmare can’t end soon enough for me.

PS I’ll let you know if my son gets the Flag back.

[Frustratedlady]

1. I would strongly suggest your husband hire a lawyer. As executor, she should have certain laws to

follow. She can't just make up her own.

If he doesn't want to hire a lawyer, suggesting that he is considering doing so might bring her down off her high-horse.

Estates are when you find out the true color of others. Sounds like your husband will have his hands full.

Been there/done that. Don't cave.

Good luck!

[Dan]

3. Definitely get a lawyer

and ensure that there is a full financial accounting for every expense - and all assets. Plus, you might want to ensure the lawyer look into what the sister will charge (her time and rate) the estate to settle the estate.

From what I have seen or heard about - whatever relationship your husband had with his sister, well he might want to enjoy the memories.

[elleng]

4. Right.

[Liberal In Red State]

7. Thanks - we are looking into an attorney tomorrow. She is mad because my husband. . .

a 65 year old juvenile diabetic who sleeps with a CPAP machine doesn’t want to travel to clean out the house during a pandemic?!? He is hoping to drive there with our son in a couple of weeks - waiting for COVID numbers to abate.

[TreasonousBastard]

10. The plot thickens... Definitely get an estate lawyer. You haven't mentioned how big...

the estate is (no problem, it's not our business anyway) but it could be big enough to cause serious problems if there's much complexity.

Could the estate cover the expense of hiring someone to do your husband's half of the cleanout? A lawyer will explain how that works, along with other expenses to be charged to the estate. And myriad other things you may not have thought of.

Good luck, hope it ends up amicably.

[Nay]

22. THIS. Get an estate lawyer IMMEDIATELY. She is setting up your husband to rob him, and

he needs to lawyer up right now.

[Beakybird]

2. Sister meanie

[elleng]

5. Transfer on Death means that exactly,

and imo (not an estate attorney,) she has no business getting her hands on any of it.

Very sorry you all are going through this, and I agree: INFORM you'll get an attorney.

[sakabatou]

6. What a (insert expletive here).

[Midnight Writer]

8. Get a lawyer. And buy the flag for $200. You need a professional to protect your interests.

Since there is clearly a valid will, this shouldn't be a big deal. I imagine professionals can sort it out pretty quickly, and spare you a lot of headache. It may also help preserve the family relationship.

An Attorney can tell you your obligations and your legal expectations, and also make those terms clear to the sister.

People often get more reasonable when they know you are represented.

Ideally, the sister should be represented, too. Then let the Attorneys negotiate and forgo the contentious phone calls, e-mails, and other BS. She may be sincere and simply not know how to handle this.



There will be a fee, but again, this sounds like routine stuff. I wouldn't expect it to cost too much.

[Big Blue Marble]

9. I have been an executor.

I would advise against giving any assets to his sister. She is only to manage those assets that pass through
probate, period. The iRA's do not go through probate. She is to provide a full accounting to the court of
assets and debts of the estate. If there are not enough assets to settle the debts, the estate is insolvent.
The heirs are not liable for the debts.

You should not have to incur the additional expense of hiring a lawyer without first contacting the
lawyer who is representing the estate. That lawyer has a fiduciary responsibility to protect all heirs
of the estate. If she has not hired a lawyer or you feel that the lawyer she has hired is not acting
in good faith, you should consult with a lawyer.

Sadly, this seems to be the norm with many estate proceedings. Family relationships are destroyed
as some will attempt to take advantage even of their siblings and other close relationships.

[TheBlackAdder]

14. Damn, money really can break up families. I was the executor for my mother prevented that.

.

While she distributed it to the heirs over the course of several years before she died, she did have a small amount, around $16K or so in several accounts. I made sure that all accounts added my three siblings as co-recipients, so everyone was included on all emails, everyone received direct payments from the institutions, and I even received the one penny less disbursement when things did not divide evenly. I did not even collect the executor's fee that was optional at 5% or 6%.

I not only made it transparent, but each sibling were as equals and everyone had to approve the release of funds.

This not only made the task easier for me, but it removed any question of impropriety.

Now, that being said, I'll make one more comment. My mother chose me, because she knew I would be the most fair and not create tension during the estate settlement process. People who designate executors should keep that in mind. My one uncle passed a few years ago, and he appointed one of my cousins and they sold stuff off and gave away property to friends, tried to scam on the estate sale, and kept us in the dark throughout most of the process, ripping tens of thousands from my siblings. We were locked out of his house, and by the time we were granted access to it, it was pretty much emptied out. A lot of 19th-century stuff was there. My sibs and I pressured her to add one of her sister's to the distribution--though she kept the other one off of it who moved away because she disliked that sister. This cousin spoke to my uncle to create divisions in her family so she would get more--alienating both sisters from the uncle and his estate distribution. This one cousin and her husband are a bunch of scumbags and their kids are deadbeats who scam the government. It was my uncle's choice to use them though. Before he and my aunt died, they were discussing making me the executor because they had doubts about that cousin, questioning if we'd even see a penny--they never made the change to the will. So, I don't fault the cousin entirely because she is who she is, but it was my uncle's choice or inaction to change that led to that estate predicament and we were happy to get something--although we'll never associate with them anymore.

.

[roamer65]

11. If she doesn't behave a Probate Court can remove her for Executor Misconduct.

I suggest you get a lawyer.

I am an executor and I plan on hiring a second lawyer to review any decision made on the estate with the lawyer for the trust.

[Mariana]

12. Document everything.

Have your husband write down everything he can remember, about their conversations regarding the estate. Include date and times. If it's legal where you live, have your husband record all conversations with her about the estate from now on. And yes, it is time to consult an attorney before any further communication about the estate takes place.

[Liberal In Red State]

13. We are pulling together all emails and text messages for a chronological account. She has said

that as executor she doesn’t need to share information - that my husband will get an accounting at the end - that she is keeping track of her hours - wanted my husband to make her an offer for serving as executor. We said the estate pays her not my husband - this just keeps getting worse.

[DonaldsRump]

15. If you can afford one, get a good probate/wills & estates lawyer

It will be costly, though.

The other alternative is to approach the probate court pro se (meaning your husband representing himself) and let the judge know what is happening, cc'ing his sister. Most judges would go ballistic, I would think, to hear stuff like this going on by an executor.

[Nature Man]

16. it's not that unusual

people show their true colors after family deaths sometimes.

[sinkingfeeling]

17. Having been an executor for a large estate, there are legal rules

on handling things. An executor cannot make any changes to what was designated. The IRA is your husband's.

Get a lawyer involved.

[brooklynite]

18. My mother and her Sister haven't spoken for 10 years over settlement of their father's estate

[obamanut2012]

19. Report her to the court NOW

As in TODAY. If you can afford an attorney, have them do it ASAP. They will remove her.

That IRA is 1--% your husband's, she has zero control over it.

[AirmensMom]

20. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I agree with the advice to get a lawyer.

My sister handled my mom's estate several years ago. I knew how much it was worth and was constantly asking about the little dribbles of money she sent and was constantly told that taxes were being paid, stock was being sold, etc. Finally, after 3 years, she decided it was time to dissolve the trust and distribute the remaining funds. Strange that there was only about $2K left instead of what should have been a whole lot more, closer to hundreds of thousands.

She had a fit when I said I wanted to see an accounting before I signed anything. At the very least, I wanted the bank statements from the trust account. No lawyers or accountants. Just bank statements. I could tell by what she had already sent that she had co-mingled the trust accounts with her own. She had a shit fit after I sent the email telling her that and she died almost instantly, likely from a heart attack. Then my other sister accused me of killing her. (Honestly, if I had that kind of power, I'd get a list together and work on it.)

Turns out that she had used her POA to assign her boyfriend (event though she was still married) as beneficiary to the account holding most of the money. He was a 3-strikes convicted drug dealer who was hiding out at her house.

Seriously, you couldn't write a believable fiction about all the shit that went down with this. I was next in line as trustee, and had to write a letter saying I would absolutely not serve since I would then be responsible for all the shit she pulled. In the end, she didn't get to enjoy it, so I suppose karma got the last word.

[dixiechiken1]

21. I'm so sorry you & your husband are having to deal with this...

In addition to your loss. Unfortunately, everyone else here is right: Death - and money - reveal everyone's true character. Get an attorney and let them battle it out on your behalf. Do not allow her ugliness to consume you. Do not allow her that power. I absolutely hate it but I have never seen this not happen. I'm not saying it hasn't, but I haven't seen it.

I remember when my husband's grandmother, his father's mother, passed. He and his 8 siblings were born in the very house in which she died. The house used to have dirt floors and they grew up very poor. She had a wooden biscuit bowl that she always used when she taught him to make her family-famous buttermilk biscuits from scratch. He was the only child who ever took an interest in this particular craft of hers and so this biscuit bowl had special meaning to him. It was the only thing he wanted from her "estate" when she passed. I will never forget the drama that ensued over this bowl. One of the other siblings held it hostage so he could get his hands on the very meager proceeds from the sale of her house and the land on which it sat. After months and months of infighting, he finally got it.

One doesn't have to have a lot of money for someone else to try and take it. In my experience, there's one of those "someones" in every family. I'm so sorry for you & your husband that you're having to find out that "someone" is his sister. My condolences on your loss.

[2naSalit]

23. Should have secured an attorney the instant she started

making such demands. Her demands are bullshit and she is trying to rip off her brother.

[totodeinhere]

24. I think it's very unseemly for a family to be fighting over a deceased loved one's assets.

When my mother died we all grieved over her loss. Who was going to get what from her estate was the least of our worries.

[MoonRiver]

25. Sorry your family is going through this trauma.

My sister tried to steal my share of our parents' estate. She and I probably lost 1/3rd of our inheritance in legal fees and other outrageous shenanigans (long story). We haven't spoken for 10 years. Money really is the root of all evil.

[panader0]

26. My father's flag is in a fine triangular wooden box on my bookshelf.

It's what I have left of him. I value it much more than $100. Buy the flag from your SIL.