Heaven Flush With Cash After Trump Administration Sends $1.4 Billion In Stimulus To Dead Americans

[Zorro]

THE HEAVENS—Expressing their excitement over the unexpected windfall, heavenly sources confirmed Thursday that eternal paradise was flush with cash after the Trump administration sent $1.4 billion in stimulus funds to dead Americans.

“I felt a little guilty about spending my check because I didn’t really need the money, but I’ll admit, it’s been nice to go out to eat more and finish up a few DIY projects I’ve been working on around the firmament,” said the departed soul of Henry Davies, telling reporters that the sizable cash infusion had helped buoy the flagging tourism industry for popular afterworld spots like Valhalla and the River Lethe.

“It’s nice to see people out and about in the Kingdom of God spending freely, and we’re expecting a second round of stimulus checks soon as well as a massive influx of deceased Americans, so the economy should be booming for the foreseeable future. It’s a great time to be dead!”

Davies went on to admit some frustration that the $1,200 per person didn’t come close to the massive corporate giveaway Congress had approved for businesses based in Hell.

https://www.theonion.com/heaven-flush-with-cash-after-trump-administration-sends-1844165406

[JenniferJuniper]

1. And yet, my very alive father only got a Trumpie letter,

never got the check!

[ret5hd]

2. It has been well documented that Gawd is NOT...

good with money.

[TexasTowelie]

3. Satan says otherwise.

The outlet mall is booming.

[miyazaki]

9. Sales are Hot right now!

[TexasTowelie]

10. It's a barn burner. nt

[Newest Reality]

4. Related News:

Hades - Satan has announced that he is building a new ring in hell called the Right-Wing Ring in response to rapidly increasing numbers of Republican voters who are, as Satan put it, "infesting" Hell.

The Prince of Darkness went on to explain, "I love the immense suffering of humans more than anyone, but these Republicans are making the other denizens of hell suffer even worse than I am able to and I just won't have that. I mean, they are more obnoxious and annoying than my most professional and hideous demons, so it is time to dig deeper in Hell and socially distance them forever."

Satan cut our interview short, but as he left he said, "When Trump gets down here, I will have him build a huge wall, brick-by-brick around the Right-Wing Ring. Damn, those people are scary."

[mercuryblues]

5. LOL

[mvd]

6. K&R

And Newest Reality‘s post is just as funny.

[Budi]

7. 😄

K & R

[Doreen]

8. Are these the same dead people who got into

buses and voted in a different state?

[crickets]

11. The Onion has it tough these days, but when they hit the mark--

[Totally Tunsie]

12. My father had his own method for heavenly cash...

He'd throw the money in his pocket into the air. What God wanted, He kept, and the rest would fall to the floor.