We Know How to Beat COVID, and COVID Still Outsmarted Us: Yet Another Week in Hell (Ferret/SC)
Three years of resisting has toughened you up, hasn’t it? After impeachment and COVID and the Bowling Green Massacre, surely you can handle anything. So when you hear about the massive dust plume from the Sahara Desert rolling over the United States, you just throw up your middle fingers, shout “You call that news? COME AT ME, PLUME!” and wait for Don Lemon to get to the good stuff.
Seriously...giant dust cloud? Are you kidding me? An hour of CNN is like a production of The Grapes of Wrath set inside a live volcano. Fuck.
(As ever, find this post with nifty nooz links here: http://showercapblog.com/we-know-how-to-beat-covid-and-covid-still-outsmarted-us-yet-another-week-in-hell/)
You’d think Government Cheese Goebbels would’ve had his fill of public humiliation after the Million Imaginary Friend March in Tulsa, but he came back to the buffet for seconds with Tuesday’s GOP primaries. In North Carolina, the Turdworm-endorsed candidate lost to a 24-year-old by 30 points, while in Kentucky, Littlefinger’s attempt to excommunicate Rep. Thomas Massie from Congress actually went even worse. Turns out catastrophic, economy-demolishing mismanagement of a deadly pandemic is bad for the ol’ brand, who’da guessed?
Getting back to Tulsa real quick, numerous Shart Campaign staffers who worked the event have now tested positive for COVID-19, and dozens of Secret Service agents have been forced to quarantine in the aftermath of Donnie Two-Scoops’ failed ego trip. Wow, how awesome is that gig these days? “Yeah, I’m supposed to take a bullet for this walking buttpimple who’s trying to destroy everything I’ve ever loved about my country, but hey, at least he exposed me to a disease that may kill me or damage my body for the rest of my life.”
Louie Gohmert successfully defended his Dumbest Man in Congress title, disrupting a House Judiciary hearing by repeatedly banging his ring on the table, like some sort of bumpkin Khrushchev. Naturally, Louie’s petulant little stunt made headlines, drawing massive amounts of attention to the very witness statements he was trying to drown out, which a man with a functioning brain would’ve realized; such considerations don’t seem to occur to the voters of the Texas 1st, however.
One of Sharty McFly’s least qualified judicial appointees (and shudder at that assessment for a moment) ordered Judge Emmet G. Sullivan to dismiss the case against Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn, even though everybody agrees Flynn did what he’s accused of, including Flynn himself, who confessed. Twice. There’s some hope for further review, but you have to admit, being able to select federal judges has turned out to be quite a boon for the Trump family crime syndicate.
Senate Democrats blocked Republicans’ bullshit “We’ve Thought About Police Reform and Decided Things’re Pretty Much Fine” bill, while House Dems managed to round up bipartisan support for their own “Hey, How ‘Bout We Actually Do Something About This Shit” version. Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell* experienced a wheezing, dusty turtlegasm for the first time in decades, as his sinister partnership with Baron Golfin von Fatfuk yielded its 200th federal judicial confirmation, and your 200th reason to fart on any smug third party voters you may come across.
Devin Nunes remains winless in the World Cow-Suing Federation, with a judge ruling he can neither sue Twitter nor force it to reveal to him the names behind anonymous bovine accounts dedicated to the righteous cause of mocking his cheap, sweaty, wannabe-fascist ass. I confess, this humiliation of one of Tangerine Idi Amin’s wormiest thugs recharges my batteries with the schadenfreude I need to get through my fucking day. I never said I was nice.
So, we know how to contain COVID-19. It’s been figured out. It’s not a fucking secret. It’s right here on the internet, you don’t even need to identify which photographs contain palm trees or streetlights to unlock it, yea, even bots are free to partake of this UNIVERSALLY KNOWN INFORMATION. Stay home when you can. Social distancing otherwise. Wear a fucking mask. Easy. Also, Peasy.
And yet, this fucking disease is treating the United States like we’re the Washington Generals. We just experienced the single-day record for newly-reported cases, MONTHS after we figured out how to contain the little bastard. Florida alone reported almost nine thousand cases today. And again, we know what to do, we’re just not doing it. It’s like the fire department showing up to a burning building and trying to extinguish the blaze by reciting Coleridge at it, WHAT THE LIVING FUCK DID YOU IMAGINE WOULD HAPPEN?
See, now it’s official: watching Sean Hannity can kill you. Not-even-remotely-surprising new studies connect the consumption of wingnut disinformation with increased coronavirus spread, which is measurable now because declaring your tribal allegiance to Trumpism literally means endangering your own life by engaging in medically unsafe behavior. Chuck frickin’ Todd couldn’t both-sides this shit. I mean, we’ve got our share of asshole pundits on the left, but nobody has to conduct formal research into whether exposing oneself to Bill Maher’s insufferable self-regard shortens one’s lifespan.
They’re having so much fun with their coronavirus outbreak down in Arizona that Scottsdale Republican Counciljag Guy Phillips decided he was just the wrinkly old white dude to invoke George Floyd, whining “I can’t breathe” from behind a mask, which he then theatrically removed, to the applause of the assembled shitsacks. Yes Guy, public health officials and basic human decency are essentially crushing your throat for 8 minutes and 46 seconds in asking you to wear a tiny piece of cloth over your face to help slow the spread of a disease that’s killed 127,000 of your countrymen. Incidentally, if you feel oppressed by being asked to do such a small, simple thing for your community, you’re broken. You’re a failed human. Please lock yourself indoors until it’s time for reincarnation.
And STILL the plan, at least as far as Team Treasonweasel is concerned, is to act as though things are not only hunky, but also dory. These fucks are actually shutting down testing sites, even as they lose control of the virus’ spread. I’ve written about this garbage for years now, I am one thoroughly-boiled frog, okay, but I simply cannot wrap my head around the horror of the lethal collision of Hairplug Himmler’s re-election strategy with his criminally negligent coronavirus response; he really and truly, in real fucking life, is pursuing a strategy of denying reality and undermining truthful reporting, in order to project a deadly facsimile of normalcy, to lure folks into the lion’s den to be devoured by an economy rigged to benefit only his billionaire buddies. (Will that fit on a ball cap, I wonder?)
Oh, and the Die Plebs Die Administration decided to use some of the time they aren’t spending combatting the pandemic to petition the Supreme Court to overturn Obamacare, because even with the current, almost-unfathomable COVID numbers, we just aren’t dying off quickly enough for these jerks. And of course, they’ll spin right around and insist they’ll always take care of folks with pre-existing conditions, despite their well-documented attempt to pass a bill that destroyed those very protections, famously thwarted by a single, now-deceased thumb. The Republican electoral strategy hinges largely on tricking people into believing they’re just mean Democrats.
Former Republican Presidential Candidate/Ted Cruz’s Running Mate for the Length of a Ramones Song Carly Fiorina told the world she’s voting for Smilin’ Joe Biden, SEE LISA MURKOWSKI, THAT WASN’T HARD AT ALL. Anyway, welcome to the Resistance, Carly...I guess. The donuts and coffee are really more for like, phone-bankers and door-knockers, so if you wanted to just write a check and leave, that’d be fine.
Tom Cotton imagines America listened to his blithering, hateful, bad-faith rant against D.C. statehood and heard the high-faultin’, mega-principled, finely-tuned rhetoric of a modern-day Cicero, instead of a third-rate Proud Boy Den Mother snarling ONLY WHITE FOLKS GET SENATORS, because Tom Cotton is right around 2% as smart as Tom Cotton thinks he is. He also probably imagines the bit where he explained why the (white) residents of Wyoming are super great Real Americans™️ while the (black) residents of Washington, D.C. are...something else, something lesser, was a deftly subtle dog whistle that nobody picked up on.
But hey, kudos to House Dems for passing that D.C. statehood bill! It’s not going anywhere right now, but come Biden Time? Different animal. Anyway, the D.C. statehood train is a train you should get on. The food in the dining car is excellent, and the implications for democracy are even better.
For the second time in a week, courts refused to halt the publication of a book on the dubious legal grounds that it would embarrass the Crook Family Robinshart so piss on the first amendment, piss on it with Russian hookers. Technically it was Fat Q*Bert’s brother who got his ass beat in court this time, but I think we’re still allowed to point and laugh. And unlike the tawdry tome penned by the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper lip, we might actually buy Mary Trump’s book.
Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet himself took yet another judicial jackhammer to the scrotum, when a federal appeals court panel reminded him that he’s not allowed to raid congressionally-appropriated military funds at will to pay for his Big Dumb Wall. Try Mexico again, assclown...you’ll probably have to call though, since I doubt they’ll permit travel from our COVID-invested shithole country.
ANYWAY, in other news, it turns out a Russian military intelligence unit did this fun little thing where they paid bounties to Afghan militants to kill American troops.
Hoo boy.
Now, we the public are just finding out about this shit today, but military intelligence has known for months, and President Crotchrot himself was briefed in March. Another fun thing here is how, under normal circumstances, you’d expect the Commander in Chief to do something to protect or avenge our fighting forces, but after 3 years of the Turd Reich, nobody even considers that possibility because the whole world understands the American President is Putin’s personal sock puppet. COOL.
(Need I even mention that Vlad would have been too terrified of Hillary Clinton to pull anything like that shit?)
And that’s the news from, again, and I cannot stress this enough...real life. Do you understand why I drink? Stay away from the ‘rona, my friends. I’ll see you next week. I hope.
*Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell sounds like a shitty sitcom collaboration between C-SPAN and Nick at Nite, doesn’t it?
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