Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON—Following months of bruising criticism from Democrats and President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff Sessions was reportedly trying to commit suicide Thursday by smoking a joint.

“I swore I’d never take the coward’s way out, but what choice do I have?” said a teary-eyed Sessions, carefully laying a sealed envelope containing his farewell note on a tool bench in his garage as he raised a lighter to the marijuana cigarette with trembling hands.

“This is it. I’ve taken four puffs to make sure there’s no chance of survival. It should only be a matter of minutes now. Oh, what a wretched, ignominious ending. Goodbye, cruel world, I’m sorry I’ve failed you so.”

At press time, Sessions reportedly realized he had died after being overcome by a euphoric, floating feeling.

https://politics.theonion.com/inconsolable-jeff-sessions-tries-to-commit-suicide-by-s-1826462420

A blast from the Onion archives...

[samnsara]

1. theres a teeeeeny part of me that kinda sorta sometimes feels a bit of pity for him..

..he did the right thing by recusing himself....and that made life rough for trump* for a bit. And the way trump* treats him is brutal..

[Nevilledog]

2. It's probably cuz he's a Keebler elf.

[sop]

3. Who could have guessed, after first achieving fame as the banjo-playing boy in Deliverance, and

then growing up to become the first national political figure to publicly support Trump, poor little Jefferson Beauregard would come to such an ignominious end? Life can be so unfair.

[tavernier]

4. Ok, I laughed out loud at the headline.

Three times.

[Kid Berwyn]

5. He mends fences with the Klan.

Peace Pipe, in a were.

[ZZenith]

6. The pegboard's a nice touch.

[Zambero]

7. I would have figured a moonshine enema instead

"Kindly fuck y'all,"
Signed,
Boofregard