More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Triumph Of The Won't Edition
Thanks to my brother "Ogre" for that title. It references the Nazi propaganda film Triumph of the Will or, as Fox News would probably declare it, "The greatest film of all time that only could have been even greater if it had Donald Trump in it!!!"
Time to take another look into right-wing cognitive dissonance, that would be a lot funnier if we weren't in a dystopian timeline where people who believed stuff like this are running the country (though hopefully only for a few more months.) Number 44 in a series! Collect them all!
Reposts and Updates:
* Criticism of a war veteran is disgusting and offensive. Exceptions: Max Cleland, Tammy Duckworth, John Kerry, John McCain, Alexander Vindman,Pete Buttigieg, and Conor Lamb. (#20, Oct. 2015) (Double points for insulting Lamb on Memorial Day!)
* Cutting taxes to big corporations will lead to job creation. (#39, July 2019)
* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Public Life: Joe Biden, John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Katie Hill, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Believe In Family Values And Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Herman Cain, Tucker Carlson (NEW), Larry Craig, Steve DesJarlais, Bobby Dyer (NEW), Joe Fain, Jerry Fallwell Jr, Mark Foley, Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Sean Hannity (NEW), Curtis Hill, Duncan Hunter, Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Sanderson, Mark Sanford, David Stringer, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, David Vitter, and Steve Wynn (#32, Feb. 2018)
* Mark Foley, Tom Delay, and Dennis Hastert were Democrats. Also, Donald Trump never met Jeffrey Epstein. (#19, July 2015)
All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
* Everyone else must go out and brave the coronavirus, but not you. Nor your children.
* You think mail-in voting is dangerous and potentially fraudulent except when you do it.
Well, of course THAT'S all right--Kayleigh McEnany is a REPUBLICAN!!!
* The middle of a pandemic is the perfect time to sever relations with the World Health Organization.
* Bad Protest: "Stop murdering unarmed black people!" Good Protest: "Let us go to the beach!!!"
* A Good Christian™ shows his devotion by teargassing priests so he can do a photo op with a Bible.
* An admitted sexual predator who was impeached for trying to extort favors from a foreign ally has the room to talk about "law and order".
Oops...let me revise that...
* An admitted sexual predator who was impeached for trying to extort favors from a foreign ally and gives his friends Get Out Of Jail Free cards has the room to talk about "law and order".
* You're a member of the party who decries "frivolous law suits" while you sue Minneapolis from four states away for making your public safety expenses go up.
* Lynching should be legal.
* A man who was murdered by racist cops would be glad that unemployment during a pandemic is only 13%. Or, well, actually 16%.
* The COVID-19 pandemic is over, anyway.
* But if in the slim chance it isn't, it's Mexico's fault.
* You decry the violent demonstrations and wonder why the protests can't be peaceful; never mind that you also decried peaceful protesting too.
* Racism isn't the real enemy, Elmo from Sesame Street is the real enemy.
* It is just and proper to name military bases for traitors who waged an armed revolt against the United States of America.
* Because, after all, going to war to end slavery was "questionable".
* COVID-19 will magically go away if we just stop testing for it. Or even talking about it.
* "Slander" = Reporting the disgusting things a Republican actually said.
Nice of them to admit what we figured out years ago:
* The Second Amendment applies to whites only.
* You were absolutely livid that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton didn't immediately teleport to Libya and prevent four people from dying at Benghazi. You shrug at the news that Donald Trump didn't care about Russia paying the Taliban to slaughter our troops in Afghanistan.
* Doctors know less about diseases than lawyers and game show hosts.
* "Black Lives Matter" ="Symbol of Hate"; "Jews Will Not Replace Us" = "Very Fine People".
* Two people dying from Ebola in 2014: "Failed Leadership". 140,000 and counting dying of corona virus in 2020: "Stepping Forward".
Almost verbatim from ouija:
* Rugged capitalism for the poor, socialism for the rich.
From Jeff Tiedrich:
* The coronavirus is a deadly threat to Paul Manafort and Micheal Cohen in prison, but not to children in schools.
And another in the growing list of Capital Crimes:
* Food Fighting While Black.
* It's Dr. Fauci's fault that Trump didn't listen to anything he said.
* You're more worried about college football season than people dying during a pandemic.
* You were freaked out in 2015 by routine military exercises, fearing the US government was about to invade Texas. When the US government actually invades Portland in 2020, you're cheering for the US government.
I can't imagine what the difference there is. It couldn't possibly be the color of the President, could it? </sarcasm>
Or, to put it even better, as Proud liberal 80 did:
* Wearing a mask is tyranny, but armed federal agents with no credentials is freedom.
* 2016: No filing a Supreme Court vacancy in an election year. 2020: F*** you! If we get a vacancy, we'll ram it through in a lame duck session if we have to!
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