Your Sunday Morning Paraprosdokians :-)
Paraprosdokians* are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify..."
I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald
head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
* I had to look up the meaning as well 
= new reply since forum marked as read
And laughs! Ty, Malaise! 
Much needed humor Sunday!
"Where's the baby?"
"Which part?"
said Don the murderous Con
or take your lunch
Clever
Last week he sent this one
Words that are spelled the same but pronounced with emphasis on different syllables literally tell us how to pronounce them. Stress on the first syllable is a noun; stress on the last syllable is a verb. Content, record, contract, impact, address, object and others.
I replied thus - Ï was content with the content.
English speakers know this instinctively, but it is useful for persons learning English.
Shit, I LOVE this stuff.
Virtual 
so it was ready and waiting for my good friend.
a man of 55.
She was way smarter than 45
I'm 60 and still working on it. 
Didn't Mueller indict him?
That's Trump's primary method of governing. Just throw some shit out there and see what sticks....
Great stuff for a Sunday's easy time. Thanks, Malaise!.......
Great one
A friend sent them to me.
I was a front line supervisor in a financial office. My staff didn't know it was pointed at my immediate boss and the boss had no clue. It wasn't up there for very long.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I love all of these!! Malaise, you're the best!!
He deserves the credit
But I'm not drinking any less. 
Thank you, ma'am! At first, I thought it had something to do with Armenians!
Is that plagiarism or research?
Good one
from the madness of King Con
