Joe Lockhart: Election Day edition of the Daily White House Shadow Briefing

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Joe Lockhart
@joelockhart
Good morning, welcome to the Election Day edition of the Daily White House Shadow Briefing. The White House has given up on briefing anymore and the fact checkers have passed out. So, we'll take the real questions of the day and answer with the novelty of the truth. So let's get
7:55 AM · Nov 3, 2020

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Good morning, welcome to the Election Day edition of the Daily White House Shadow Briefing. The White House has given up on briefing anymore and the fact checkers have passed out. So, we'll take the real questions of the day and answer with the novelty of the truth. So let's get

2. right to your questions. Q. How is the President feeling today? A. Well, he's got a bit of an upset stomach since he's been stress eating carbs and burgers for the last 48 hours. Otherwise, he's ok considering. Q. Considering what? A. Well, i'm not supposed to say, but what

3. are they going to do, fire me. He got the talk last night. His closest advisers, all wearing protective gear, sat him down to prepare him for the defeat he faces today. At first he denied it, then he grabbed a cheeseburger, told everyone to leave the room and started watching

4. reruns of the Apprentice. Q. If the President knows he's going to lose, does he plan to challenge the results. A. Of course he is. That's what he does. Bottom line, he'll say anyone who didn't vote for him is an invalid ballot. Lawyers will tie this up for as long as they

5. can with Trump hoping people can get comfortable, or bored, with invalidating an election. You have to give him credit for consistency, he's said all along that all votes don't count just as all people don't count. This nation, according to the President, is Trump nation.

6. The rest of us are just chafe. Q. Don't you think all the talk about suppressing the vote and voter fraud actually has shined a spotlight on these things and actually made it less likely the election can be stolen. A. Yeah, that was a bit of a miscalculation. Cheating is

7. generally done best in the dark, in secret. The Watergate burglers didn't put out a press release saying we're breaking into the DNC tonight, pool coverage. Turns out we didn't cheat very well. Q. What's the logic behind the President taking on DR. Fauci in the final days

8. of the campaign? A. Really, there is no logic. In fact, it's pretty stupid. Fauci remains one of the lone trusted health officials in the country. Calling him and idiot and saying you're going to fire him actually costs you votes. But you know the President does things by

9. gut, as ample as it is. Q. It's really hard to lose as an incumbent in America. Does the President have any second thoughts on his campaign strategy? A. The President is not a big second thought guy as you know. But i think he realizes how badly he screwed up this campaign.

10. The pandemic was an opportunity to lead, show the power of the Presidency and unite the country against a common, if microscopic enemy. The President did just the opposite. He ran from it and caught up to me. I showed him a copy of a piece the shadow briefer did for @CNN

11. that argued he will lose the election because rather than taking advantage of the power of the Presidency, he punted to the governors so he wouldn't get blamed. It's called the Bart Simpson strategy among insiders...you know it's not my fault.... When i showed it to him he

12. get rid of that, you know i don't read. Historians will look back on this as the worst incumbent Presidential campaign in history. Q. Joe Biden had a disciplined message throughout the campaign while the President seemed to be saying whatever was on his mind at any given

13. Yesterday he attacked Fauci, Bon Jovi, Jay Z, Beyonce, every women in journalism, the cold weather, Fox News, the microphone and many others. Was that designed to get votes? A. The campaign was never designed to get votes, nor was the Presidency. It was all a project to

14. indulge the President's interests, ego and grievances. Q. Should the President lose this election, what will he look most forward to. A. Renewed access to porn stars. Q. Any regrets for the President? A. He doesn't have regrets because he doesn't have fully formed thoughts.

15. He just jumps from one indulgence to another without any recognition to what it all adds up to. Q. How is the President planning to spend election day? A. watching OANN, eating, calling Vlad, more eating, more calling Vlad and playing with his toy soldiers in the diplomatic

16. Q. Should Biden win, will the President attend his swearing in? A. Of course not, as soon as the election is certified, he's leaving the White House to go on a golf trip to spend as much taxpayer money as he can before he's thrown out. Q. Is the President worried about being

17. prosecuted once he leaves office. A. Of course he is. Didn't you all read Jane Mayer's story in the New Yorker. We gave him the abridged graphic novel version. I actually expect the President to pardon himself, which will be a first for him, and the rest of the family before

18. leaving. Q Is that legal? A. If it's not, he'll resign and get Jared to pardon him. I may have buried the lede here. Pence will be fired tomorrow and Jared will be taking over as VP. Q. How does the President feel about how his Press Secretaries have performed. A. Well he

19. all were good liars, some better than others, but none better than @PressSec Any more questions? Any? Ok, time to sign off. To all the loyal shadow briefing readers, thanks for listening. One of the failures of the Trump administration is destroying the tradition of keeping

20. the public informed through an honest and straightforward Press Secretary. I look forward to the Biden Administration renewing that commitment and providing honest answers to Americans questions on a daily basis. For me, this is my last shadow briefing. It's been fun sharing

21. time with everyone. The idea was never really to provide the answers, rather to expose the questions that our government was refusing to answer. Having said that, i did enjoy the answers from time to time. Be safe, vote and see you down the road.
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[True Blue American]

1. Joe is enjoying this!