I'm Ashamed of Myself This Morning

[rustysgurl]

About 1 am, I succumbed to a full-blown panic attack, basically curled up in a fetal position and sobbing uncontrollably. The husband tried to comfort me, saying he felt in his heart of hearts we were going to pull this out. But I wasn't having it. With all the shenanigans, dirty tricks, and everything else the Rethugs have thrown at this election, I just couldn't see it happening.

Four more years of this bloviating, ignorant, racist, narcissistic POS rose up in front of me, and I just couldn't. All I could think of was my new daughter-in-law, newly arrived from Brazil, trying to get her status changed so that she and my son could have a good life together, but running up against Stephen Miller's laundry list of new immigration "policies" he has waiting in the wings. I thought of two of my sisters, Trumpettes, and how I was going to have any sort of relationship with them going forward. How can you love someone who votes for such a disgusting candidate? Friends, who do the same? Seriously? Over 200,000 dead, with this monster saying he knew it was bad but lied to the American people, showing no hesitancy to feather his own nest at the expense of taxpayers, and my friends and family thought HE was a better choice than Joe Biden?

Then I thought about the country as a whole. We are more deeply divided than I have ever seen in my 63 years, and know in my heart of hearts that when Joe wins, it's not going to get any better. The idiots have been emboldened, and they will stop at nothing to disrupt, destroy and make their wishes known. Civil discourse, for all intents and purposes, is dead.

We even talked about moving (out of the country came up, but frankly, what country would want a 71 y/o network engineer and a 63 y/o retired paralegal who grows flowers and talks to squirrels?) We backed off that and wondered what Blue state we could move to. Colorado? Too expensive. Arizona? Too hot. The coasts? Even more expensive. So here we sit, little blue dots in Johnson County, Kansas, glad we re-elected Sharice Davids, but sad that EVERY OTHER candidate we voted for lost in this God-forsaken state run by conservatives.

It all overwhelmed me, and I caved. I'm not proud of myself for not keeping the faith. So today, I'll call my sister, who worked from 5am to 9pm as a Democratic election judge in Maricopa County, AZ. She must be exhausted. We'll talk about how the vote counting is going and, hopefully, cheer each other up. I've fed the squirrels, drank my tomato juice, and thanked the good Lord that decent, honest people are continuing to count votes.

I'm am more optimistic now, although I know that POS will use every tool within his power to affect the outcome of this election. May he not prevail.

[blm]

1. ((gurl))

[LexVegas]

2. I was in a bad place, too.

[world wide wally]

50. I think it was a new epidemic

[LuckyCharms]

3. Don't be ashamed of something you can't control.

We all cope in different ways.

We all fight off panic. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don't.

Fact: Trump unleashed the underlying hatred in this country.

Fact: Biden will make it better. To what degree, I do not know. But Biden will win, and things will be better.

Never put yourself down. Humans have emotions, and there is nothing wrong with that.

[spicysista]

4. Being vulnerable and feeling...anything..

It's beautifully human. I'm glad you're okay, now. Thanks for sharing with us. Please, pass on my gratitude to your sister for her hard work.

[kimbutgar]

5. You're not alone

I’ve been keeping it together and last night I also had a full blown panic attack and went to bed at 9 pm and never fell asleep scared shitless the orange maggot was getting re elected. I am tired of his face, hearing his voice and dealing with his selfish insane supporters. He has the deaths of 337,000+ Americans on his hands.

I was so scared to turn on the TV today but I watched my Stephanie Miller show on FSTV and she talked me down.

[wryter2000]

13. Stephanie was very upbeat

She's not automatically optimistic about things. All her guests were positive, too. It was really good to hear Glen Kirschner.

[Traildogbob]

44. Actually

Stephanie and her show calmed me down. Did not sleep a second. Would occasionally check in here or turn on TV to get updated from MSNBC. Katy Turr and some raging here, freaked me out. Stephanie and Tom have given me some hope and positivity. Glenn Kirshner really cheered me up. Fat boy is singing but not the fat lady. I will wait for her.

[Squinch]

6. Oh, sweetie, you're not alone. I basically went dead inside, like I was in shock.

[wryter2000]

7. Glad you feel better

My only hope for this country is that we win the Senate and Joe Biden does something very real to help the people who've been stricken with COVID, either by the illness or by the economic disruption it's caused. When people are getting some help, finally, they may see that they've been told a bunch of lies about Democrats.

I need to text my brother in AZ and thank him and his wife for voting the right way. They would never have voted for Trump, but his wife is a "both parties are equally bad," type.

[BannonsLiver]

8. Many DUers embarrassed themselves last night

So it’s a big club.

[cwydro]

30. Yes indeed.

Many are very quiet today, I notice.

[PutGramaOnThePhone]

34. I did :-(

[llmart]

9. Try not to think about your state as a whole.

Do what I do and think about your "people" - you know, those that you hang with, converse with, care about who are like minded. Don't allow any of the others into your life. I'm 71 and I have no desire to have any negativity in my life, so I don't care if they're family or a neighbor. I keep my contact to a minimum.

There are more of us than there are of them.

[roscoeroscoe]

27. Sage advice!

Focus on the world around you, your flowers, your garden, your buddies. Keep the faith!

[TheRealNorth]

10. I am glad you are feeling better

This was going to be a tough one for us if the polls underestimated Trump's support, which it appears they did. But it is also so unusual compared to all previous elections because of the way the absentee ballots are being counted and the partisan skew of same-day vs absentee.

[TlalocW]

11. There's no reason to be ashamed

Since say before Trump, republicans have been fucking over this country with both the laws they pass as well as their underhanded cheating. The prospect that that could continue hung heavy on a lot of us last night. You're not weak. You just love your country.

TlalocW

[SleeplessinSoCal]

12. It's almost good that he took his very narrow 16 victory and proceeded to...

...throw so many of us off a cliff. Because his narcissistic self is so malignant, he brought this on by himself.

I do wonder if the Lincoln Project people are having second thoughts today.

[catbyte]

28. No, they're not. They're gearing for battle.

[SleeplessinSoCal]

35. Good thing their group can defend themselves.

There could be blood.

[Politicub]

14. I'm glad you're feeling better now.

Mental breakdowns are not something that you can control. There so much stigma and shame around mental illness, when it's really just another illness to be endured and/or managed. You have a wonderful husband as a support system.

I have wrestled with mental issues for a long time, and shame comes with the territory. The therapists and doctors will tell you that you shouldn't be ashamed, which is true, but doesn't mean that feelings of shame are not valid. It gets so overwhelming at times, and I'm happy that you made it though.

[SheltieLover]

15. Hugs!

From one squirrel lover to another, I feel your anxiety.

Glad you are feeling better! Here is a post of Stacy Abrams' tweets about this situation. (Spoiler: Dems expected this. They are on it. Relax!)

https://www.democraticunderground.com/100214440661



Ps - after being rat fucked by repukes at every turn in the United States of Extortion, your reaction to last night is certainly understable!

[onetexan]

16. i hear ya, & i think we can all empathize, as we've collectively had to endure a horrendous 4 yrs of

this horrid man, his corrupt enablers have done to this country & the horrific policies they've harmed people with. My hubby had knots in his stomach & i could not eat much last couple days that i dropped 3 lbs.
Chin up. The sun rose again this morning & it was much better. Hopefully soon we will have a President-elect Biden

[ColoradoBlue]

17. No!

Do not be ashamed! The last four years have been a LOT. And sometimes you need a great big ugly cry, scream into your pillow, curse the gods meltdown to get through. Nothing wrong with that.

For me, one of the things that has kept me going is a one-term presidency. There's so much riding on this and the thought of not pulling out the win is unimaginable. My heart was beating out of my chest last night. I was shivering. Trying to control my breathing. The works. So you are not alone and you are human and your response shows how much you care.

Now let's bring this thing home!

[MLAA]

18. You were/are not alone!

💕💕💖💖

Check out southern AZ! Tucson is very nice and blue. Summers are too hot, but the rest of the year is beautiful. And pretty affordable.

[cilla4progress]

19. Oh darling -

I'm STILL in bed. Even dropped a 1/2 Xanax this morning .

Why ashamed of yourself?

[mtnsnake]

20. You should be proud, not ashamed

because anyone reading your post can tell that you are a wonderful person and someone who has her thoughts in all the right places.

[TreasonousBastard]

21. Win the lottery and any country will take you. I am 73 and living on Social...

Security, which means I'm not living very well. No family speak of, either.

Heat is always a problem when thinking of moving, but I can tolerate dry heat-- it's that swampy stuff that gets me. And snow is becoming far less attractive, so moving north is out of the question.

I've been looking at New Mexico. Parts of it are inexpensive and it has some UU churches and a VA medical center, so that's that. I'm looking at camping trailers to make it even less expensive. Great arts centers and other fun stuff there.

Swamp cooler and solar panels and I'm OK.

Only questions are internet and how long will there be water there...

[lunatica]

23. Please see my post just below.

New Mexico is a wonderful place to live. I live in Santa Fe.

In the Winter it snows but the snow melts very quickly. Sometimes in the same day.

[lunatica]

22. Have you looked into moving to The Land of Enchantment?

New Mexico is a blue state. When I retired it was too expensive to live in California unless I continued to work until I was carried out in a stretcher.

Long story short, I was able to move to New Mexico and with the sale of my condo in California I paid off all my debts (mortgage and equity balances and all debt), and I was able to buy a luxury condo outright. I have no mortgage to pay off anymore. I now live comfortably on Social Security and a small pension. And I love living in New Mexico more than I loved living in California.

Look on Zillow.

[TreasonousBastard]

40. Where in NM? I've done some research, but haven't visited yet...

I do remember a visit to Phoenix, AZ years ago that had areas a day's drive away that seemed ridiculously out of a bad western movie.

[lunatica]

46. I live in Santa Fe

The second oldest city in the US. Over 400 years old. I speak Spanish so I feel right at home. I’m an American Citizen who grew up in Mexico, so Spanish and English are both my first languages.

[Hortensis]

24. :) It's always better in the morning.

I plan to just skip nights for a while until we know he's lost.

And, just think, it could be worse. You could live in Georgia. I'll spare you details on that, but all those socialist blue states/counties are too expensive for us in retirement also.

[ananda]

25. I had anxiety and heart palpitations well into the night..

It might have been medication side effects which
got triggered by all the worry over the election.

I finished the pills this morning, and I feel much
better now that I know Biden is winning.

[blueinredohio]

26. I'm still in a bad place and could break out crying any minute.

[kpete]

29. I joined you in your misery

I couldn't eat or drink or sleep
Feeling better but...

peace,
kp

[KatyaR]

31. Girlfriend, I'm right there with you.

Just south, in Oklahoma. I can't believe the change I've seen in my state. What's happened to us? Its hard to have any faith in my fellow man these days.

[yaesu]

32. I had my expectations low, never believed any polls, the "things are different this time" crap

and I was prepared for a tRump stolen election. Elections can't fix the mess we are it, same old mess, different day, but hopefully with a true leader in 2 months, if there is anything left to lead.

[Wawannabe]

33. You are (obviously) not alone

I didn't get fetal and sob but I was on the brink and went to bed. Thankfully so "tired" I went to sleep right away. But the feeling of dread cannot be shaken. My gut is in knots today and only just holdin it together.
The fact that we can't even move out of the country is even worse. I would if I could.
Now.


One positive for me is that Inslee looks to retain his seat in WA. Culp not conceding is so tRump...I would not be able to go back to WA with Culp as Gov.

I think Biden will squeak this out but idk yet. You take care and hang in there. We are in this together at DU and I am thankful for this community which includes you! 😊

[bucolic_frolic]

36. You have time to adjust, thanks to the election, but ......

Biden with a copper-bottom resume ran a near-perfect campaign against the worst president and candidate in history allied with scores of traitors, and we are STILL at this point.

And Biden has inherited problems probably greater than 1932 with no end in sight, red ink as far as the eye can see, and fascist opposition melded to roving bands of thieves. He will have to use every muscle of his sterling clarity and persuasion skills to get anything at all done. I think myself well-versed in public affairs, and I am out of gas, I have no clue as to his path forward. More obstruction probably leading to Lord knows what in 2024. More of the same.

[Turin_C3PO]

39. No new legislation will pass.

At least until 2022. That’s a given. But Biden can reverse much of the damage Trump has done. Rescind all his executive orders. Appoint competent people for the Cabinet. Clean up the DOJ, ICE,etc. National leadership for dealing with COVID. It’s going to be a lot of work but if anyone can do it, it’s Joe Biden.

[Turin_C3PO]

37. Don't feel bad! I feel ya. My stomach was churning all night.

I didn’t sleep a wink. But Biden is going to take office on Jan 21st and there’s nothing that Orange fascist can do about it.

[ashredux]

38. If I lived in Europe I would now be very afraid of the United States.....

[BlueIdaho]

41. There is no shame in being human.

We all have the right to feel our whole range of emotions. Regardless of what any pollster or statistician projects, our heart is the equal to our head. That does not make us weak, that makes us human.

This will be a long haul and we will all have our moments, lord knows I have. Celebrate your humanity.

[Warpy]

42. Evil is stubborn and it's never easy to get rid of it.

The present system is unsustainable. A crash is coming. If Dumdum cheats his way in, it will come soon. If Biden prevails, it might be delayed, but it's inevitable.

Crashes give us the best opportunity for change. Maybe next time we'll have the will to prevent the next rise of a bunch of robber barons. Maybe next time we'll have the will to prevent virtual monopolies. We might even have the will to tax the rich man's casino called Wall Street.

A look at the vote this morning has me appreciating my fellow New Mexicans but feeling resentful toward my fellow Americans in red areas. I really hate that feeling.

[xxqqqzme]

43. I couldn't get those 545 orphaned

children out of my head. Separated forever. I cursed miller again.
Them images of our wondrous National Parks destroyed for fossil fuels and timber. I live alone so I had to talk myself down (no one I know up at 2am) Found 'Meet me in St Louis'. Not my favorite but it worked/

[GoneOffShore]

45. Don't be ashamed. Mrs GoS said to me at 06:15CET - It's not good.

I kind of went back to sleep.

At 07:15 I got up, and the two of us looked at the news. Neither of us cried.

The sinking feeling was there. But it wasn't the same as 2016.

This is going to happen.

Stay strong.

Virtual hugs from France.

[OMGWTF]

47. We'd be good friends if I lived near you

I, too, had a meltdown last night that just washed over me with dread. I actually vomited when I first learned Shitler was our president and my USCG son’s new C-I-C. My BP had to be off the charts and I felt sick. Hands were shaking and I felt out of control of my emotions. Sleep was okay as long as I concentrated on good things. Today feels a little bit better. Self-care, positive thoughts, and feeling deep appreciation for the wonderful people on DU. ❤️

[pamdb]

48. let me tell you

I just got off the phone with Canadian citizenship. I am incredibly old, 69, retired librarian.
My grandmother was born in 1884 in Port Hope, Ontario. I recently found out that, while
Canada set a new rule as of 2009, that you can only use one of your parents, not grandparents to apply for citizenship. However, if you were born BEFORE 2009, you can use your grandparent. SO I got all excited (I mean in Michigan we're only like 5 hours away) and then I read more, and called to verify, your grandparent has to have been alive when you were born. My grandmother died in 1950. I was born in 1951. They don't count if you're in
your mom's belly! SO I guess we're stuck.

[OMGWTF]

49. Good info. In my next life I'm going to be Canadian.

[iluvtennis]

51. So glad you're better. Take care of yourself. nt

[Chemisse]

52. No need to feel ashamed. We've all been through hell for four years.

We prop ourselves up the best we can, but it takes a huge toll.

If we'd seen a repeat of 2016 last night, or even thought I was seeing it, I probably would have done the same.

[kairos12]

53. Maricopa County smashed the Chump Wall

I hope this makes you are feeling better.

Here in Phoenix we are cheering!

[BobTheSubgenius]

54. Sorry to say, your story is far from unique.

So far, my wife and her family are holding it together. (She has gone to her home in WNY for the holidays, and I'm Canadian.) In 2016, it was different.

She was a mess for almost 3 days after the election, SO worried about her country, but even more worried, specifically about 2 of her grandchildren who are half Puerto Rican, and a step-grand that is AA.

We have muddled through, emotionally, although I know it would be worse south of the 49th. (Technically, I DO life south of the 49th, on the S tip of Vancouver Island, but you know what I mean.

Have heart and trust that hings WILL work out, despite the massive fraying at the edges, and the massive strain put on the seams. We'll hold it together, because that's who we are, and it's what needs to be done.

[llashram]

55. this

[Withywindle]

56. You don't have anything to be ashamed of!

You had a normal, understandable, human reaction to something horrible. Be kind to yourself. We're all traumatized by the last few years in different ways and we NEED that light at the end of the tunnel, and of course the prospect of having that last hope taken away is unbearable.

[Paladin]

57. Ease off. You had lots and lots of company.

Myself very much included. I'll never trust a poll again.

[jayschool2013]

58. Omaha's not far away

And its single EC vote will be the difference between President Biden and full-blown chaos.

[Rizen]

59. I feel physically sick

For the same reasons.

[KPN]

60. You are not alone rustys. Just know that

there are likely millions who felt like you did last night, but more important, overall we outnumber them and our support is younger , more diverse and more educated. Together we will win in the end.

[Alwaysna]

61. I know exactly how you feel. The same fear gripped me. I call it a ghost from 2016.

I had the feeling that if thru cheating Trump stays in power that we haven't seen the worst of him or his cult. I feel what we have experienced in the last 4 years is "Trump light" compared to what he will do next. I believe he will be focused on revenge against his perceived enemies with an intensity never seen here before and his cult will be emboldened exponentially by the 10th power. I worry about darker skinned people like my biracial grandkids & my daughter and son-in-law and his cult. Then I got ahold of my fears with a knowing that Biden wins and this is just something we have to go thru. We will come out the other side of this Trump clusterf@#k stronger as a nation.
I know how you feel because I'm in Missouri in a very red & rural area.

[drmeow]

62. Flagstaff, AZ isn't nearly as hot

and is bluer than the rest of the state!

[ecstatic]

63. I had my breakdown around 1 or 2am as well

For me it was panic over the real possibility of friends and family dying from corona. If he is allowed a second term, trump will likely fire every expert from the task force.