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Exactly this! Set us free from this unbearable nightmare!
on a rare occasion as I am doing something, but especially if it's a bit, or somewhat out of a longer routine I stop, thinking 'why am I doing this this way'? Then it comes back - ooooh, yeah, covid19 and drumph's botching it. Plus his other terrible actions etc.
I get back to into whatever I was doing, knowing at least now Biden & Harris will soonishly be in office. Even if it won't be easy for them, I have faith they can do some good things.
You, otoh, have suffered a devasting blow on top of all this.
While my mom was not ever my best friend - I liked her, and deeply loved her. She was caring, pretty smart, very talented in visual design, curious about the world, and real liberal.
A few years before she died somewhat unexpectedly over a week's time - when she was around 80+ because she'd been asthmatic for about 48 yrs I didn't know how many years she had left. I knew I'd be devasted. I started to think though - 'she wouldn't want me to be too sad for too long'.
I said this to myself off and on for a bunch of years.
When it did happen - it was agonizing and surreal for months. I didn't, as I'd been concerned didn't end up in the hospital out of grief. It's still sad, but the pain is way less, and way more intermittent. I have deep joy, serious fun and wonderful connections with other family, and friends
I'm pretty sure your sister wouldn't want you to suffer so much for so long (it hasn't been so long for you yet). She'd want you to grab even brief moments of beauty, and joy right now. I remember feeling guilty the first time I felt really joyful without a sheen of sadness as well!
Did I suddenly love her less because of my unadulterated joy. Took me a while to convince myself that my love for her hadn't diminished.
I hope my experience while not the same might be of help. I know she'd want you to feel happy again even it takes some time. You might want to talk to somebody as a few have suggested.
I wish you at least at this point moments of peace, that in time will expand.
Just makes an already unpleasant time all the worse, in the most personal way. But when you can share a loss like this, by posting about it here, it means you won't mourn alone. That helped me get through my mom's passing, years ago. DU people really care. And as longtime DUer Skittles has wisely reminded: "someone's always here."
Lots of pairs of shoulders here for you to lean against.
My Dad died in 1991 and he DEFINITELY didn't want me or his other loved ones grieving his passing. Easier said than done.
What I did find helpful is my faith in life after death. That his energy was still part of me because I did not stop loving him because he died. Even as I grieved his loss, still do, I remembered how much he meant to me, still means to me as a part of a solid foundation growing up.
So I walked into my grief, determining my pain was a reflection of my love for him. So it was ok to feel that AND move through it to the other side. As I believe he is somewhere that is outside this world but still able to see and hear me, I still share parts of my life with him. It may sound silly but even if I am only consulting with my memories of how he would advise me, it centers me to think of how he would think about certain things.
Two years later my Mom died. She and I had a rocky relationship, but the love was still there. I actually worked through much of our differences after she died. At least then I got to finish what I was saying to her without being interrupted. But there were times I would have kept all my pain to have those interruptions again.
So remember your sister, keep her spirit of love and friendship close to you and draw comfort from all the ways she meant so much to you. All her goodness and even the stupid stuff you may have disagreed upon even if it was only NO PICKLES ON ANYTHING thank you very much. Whatever made her, her is something you can honor and take with you as a part of who you are so she is NEVER fully gone from this world as long as you breathe.
So thanks for reminding me I did at one time find the strength to walk through grief and even if the worst happens and I lose my sister, I have a roadmap that I had completely forgot was in my life trunk.
And the others are right. DU is here for you.
