'Lord Vader and I didn't always see eye to eye' - satire

[My Pet Orangutan]

I see no choice but to resign from this Death Star as it begins to explode

It is with a heavy heart and a deep sense of responsibility that I must submit my resignation, effective immediately, from my post on this Death Star. However, I see no other choice.

Now is the time for all of us to stand up from our posts and do what is right.

It’s been an honor to work on this Death Star. I love the aesthetic. I love how I’ve been able to pursue my greatest passion: destroying planets and pressing buttons. I love my little hat that is a sunshade for no reason! I love the easy-to-access computer interfaces, the blast-door equipped hallways and that one area we can access only by pressing a button to extend a bridge. Our design always made a lot of sense to me! And I love our reliable trash disposal system and the little one-eyed tentacle fella that lives in it. In general, I’m proud of this station and of what we’ve achieved on it, together.

Sure, there have been moments with which I disagreed. Lord Vader and I don’t always see eye to eye; in fact, I have no idea where he is looking in that creepy helmet of his. I didn’t like when he tried to choke my colleague, or my other colleague, or that additional different colleague who later passed away. But I stayed at my post because I knew that my work mattered, and I was helping Grand Moff Tarkin keep the regional governors in line.

I understand that there might be some confusion about what exactly I’m doing, and why I’m doing this now, but I don’t think there should be. I am objecting, on principle, to staying on this Death Star for a single additional second. To those of you who would question my motives: I did know for a long time that the place I worked was a Death Star, but I have to say, until today, I didn’t understand that it was also very vulnerable to assault by a small one-man fighter because of a design flaw! ...

Alexandra Petri
Jan. 10, 2021
https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2021/01/09/trump-cabinet-resignations-death-star/