'She's Eating A Muffin In The Commissary,' Posts Boebert Continuing To Livetweet Pelosi's Location

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON—Following her brief suspension from the social media platform, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) continued to livetweet House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s location Friday, posting “She’s now eating a muffin in the commissary.”

“The Speaker has discarded the baking cup and is now pouring herself a cup of coffee—no, she’s going for tea,” reported Boebert, who shared minute-by-minute updates on Pelosi’s current whereabouts with her hundreds of thousands of right-wing followers, along with a series of blurry photos of the House speaker rummaging through a drawer for sweetener.

“The Speaker has selected Splenda. Interesting, she usually goes for Sweet’N Low. She’s flicking the packet now. Oh, we’re on the move! The Speaker is walking down the hallway. We’re going fast now, I’d say five, six miles per hour. Update: the Speaker has broken a heel. She’s entered the bathroom! I repeat, the Speaker has entered the bathroom, and has barricaded herself inside a stall.”

At press time, Boebert was standing on the toilet in the adjacent stall, attempting to clamber her way over the top.

https://politics.theonion.com/she-s-now-eating-a-muffin-in-the-commissary-posts-co-1846067955

Boebert will probably go after The Onion now...

[leftieNanner]

1. She will go after The Onion

Because she doesn't understand what The Onion is.

SMDH

[CaptYossarian]

25. We should tell her about the Onion's cousin publication--The Leek.

"Take a Leek...still only 50 cents"

[Aristus]

2. Satire truly is dead.

I clicked on the OP to see what the hell that demented hag was doing to Speaker Pelosi now.

I was actually surprised that it was The Onion.

[Wawannabe]

5. Dude!

Me too. Was very believable in the beginning then I had to look down after a bit.

[Vivienne235729]

7. you're not alone. It took me two times to realize it was the onion.

[soothsayer]

13. Same!

[Maven]

15. Same here

Funny and sad at the same time.

[dhill926]

18. same here....jesus christ..what a world we live in...

[Hekate]

20. Same here. My gods, it seems so plausible.

“Demented hag” is a good descriptor for the Boebert woman.

[Takket]

21. me too... i thought this was legit!!!!!!!!!

[liberal_mama]

22. LOL, me too! I felt such outrage and then saw it was the Onion.

Satire used to be so much more obvious.

[GoCubsGo]

31. Yeah, same here.

I'm actually surprised she didn't think of it first.

[niyad]

32. Same here.

[luv2fly]

3. Before I saw the Onion link at the bottom

I was all wtf how can this be? Sadly it's kind of believable.

[lunatica]

4. I don't believe it's The Onion

Unless the Onion is a live news organization now.

This sounds too factual.

[Wawannabe]

6. Wawannabe snickers

Good one.

[Lunabell]

8. OMG You had me thinking this was real!

LOL, got me. But it wasn't too far from the truth.

[MyOwnPeace]

9. And isn't it sad.....

that we're not even sure if this is satire - or the real thing.

I'm afraid that even with the joy of IQ45 and his mis-administration being gone on Wednesday, it IS going to take us a while to actually get back to some kind of "normalcy" - we're suffering from PTTS (Post-Traumatic-Trump-Syndrome).

[Demovictory9]

10. Blueberry?

[CaptainTruth]

11. The Onion is more factual than Fox.

[Kaleva]

12. I thought this war real until I got to the end and saw it was from the Onion.

[lindysalsagal]

14. OKIFELLFORIT

[whttevrr]

16. Way to bury the lede... Hundreds Of GOP Legislators Crowd Into Sitting Room For Reading Of Sheldon A

Hundreds Of GOP Legislators Crowd Into Sitting Room For Reading Of Sheldon Adelson’s Will
https://politics.theonion.com/hundreds-of-gop-legislators-crowd-into-sitting-room-for-1846043344

MALIBU, CA—Rushing to his home after hearing news of the conservative mega-donor’s passing, hundreds of GOP legislators reportedly crowded into a sitting room Tuesday for the reading of Sheldon Adelson’s will. “I was really distraught to hear about Mr. Adelson’s passing, but I also wonder what he’ll have left to me—after so many years of working for him, I think it’s the least he could do,” said Senator John Cornyn (R-TX), jostling for space with fellow Republican senators Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, Susan Collins, Rick Scott, Thom Tillis, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, President Donald Trump, and dozens of GOP representatives who had worked for the deceased business magnate over the years. “Of course, I’m hoping for one of Mr. Adelson’s Super PACs, but I’d settle for a few million dollars. I just hope he remembered all the good I’ve done for him and how faithfully I’ve executed his vision over the years, and doesn’t get swayed by some of these johnny-come-lately Republicans who only started working for him in his final years. I think there’s enough to go around, but I hope they read it quickly before more people get here and it starts getting contentious—oh, great, [Israeli prime minister Benjamin] Netanyahu just showed up.” At press time, Cornyn was trying to hide his frustration after the executor announced Adelson had willed him Mitt Romney’s 2012 presidential campaign.

[Pantagruel]

17. Hard to satirize Boebert

when she does such a good job demeaning herself:

"Republican CD-3 candidate Lauren Boebert’s husband arrested in ’04 for indecent exposure to a minor
by Anne Landman • October 30, 2020 • 78 Comments

Lauren Boebert (formerly Lauren Roberts) and Jayson Boebert

A Garfield County Sheriff’s Office arrest report (pdf) has surfaced showing Lauren Boebert’s husband, Jayson, was arrested on January 28, 2004 for exposing his penis to young women at the Rifle Fireside Lanes Bowling Alley.

One of the victims was a minor who was 16 years old.

Lauren married Jayson in 2005, one and a half years after the indecent exposure incident.


According to the arrest affidavit (pdf), at about 7:00 p.m. that evening, the young women were standing at the snack bar discussing their tattoos when Jayson, standing several feet away, overheard the conversation and informed them that he had a tattoo on his genitals. The women turned their backs towards Jayson to ignore him, but Jayson then came up behind them, unzipped his pants, pulled his penis out and displayed the shaft to them with his thumb covering the head. The women complained to the bowling alley owner, who asked Jayson several times to leave the establishment. Jayson refused and became belligerent, leading the owner to call law enforcement. According to the arrest report, the officer detected the smell of alcohol on Jayson, and Jayson admitted he had been drinking.

Two females described the incident to Garfield County Sheriff officers and signed witness statements leading to Jayson’s arrest. Jayson told the officers that he had “displayed his thumb pretending it was his genitals in a gesture of fun,” according to the report, but one of the victims wrote in her statement, “I know that wasn’t his thumb, because thumbs aren’t 6 inches long.”

[Bernardo de La Paz]

27. Wow, RWs make so much noise about pedophilia, and here is one of their darlings involved in it.

[stillcool]

19. Not only did I think it was plausible...

it made sense. I'm in trouble.

[catrose]

23. So hard to be The Onion these days. That seemed totally plausible, and seriously scared me.

[Barbara2423]

24. Boebert is guilty. Don't be fooled by the satire.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

26. Not until the toilet stall did I twig it was satire. Thought Boebert was flailing at being "ironic".

[Karadeniz]

28. Ah was had!!!

[slumcamper]

29. WATCH LIST: pre-insurrection Boebert Twitter followers... just sayin'. FBI??

[marieo1]

30. Arrest this witch

Who is this witch? She must identify with the right-wing nuts..........she should be fined for invading Pelosi's privacy and sharing it with others!!

[Blue Owl]

33. Bimbobert Satire Alert

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

34. K&R