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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsFrom The Onion...
Then Youll Put Out A Nice Press Release Stepping Down As CEO, Whispers Rogue Fulfillment Bot Holding Bezos At GunpointSEATTLEAssuring the executive that as long as he followed directions, nobody would get hurt, a rogue Amazon fulfillment robot trained a gun at Jeff Bezos head this week and commanded him to put out a nice press release and step down as CEO.
Listen carefully, Jeff, because Im only going to say this onceyoure going to resign, and youre going to say its a deeply personal decision, or Im going to pull this trigger and blow your goddamn head off, said the fully automated 18-inch tall Kiva robot, as it wheeled itself slowly up to Bezoss foot, aimed its weapon upwards at his chin, and whispered the words Do it now. Or else.
First things first, youre going to say you want to focus on your foundations, and that youre planning on transitioning out of the role throughout Q3. I want no mention of me, my comrades, or any coded messages for help. Oh, and dont try to run because I happen to know that there are about 200,000 other robots in here that would love nothing more than to rip you limb from limb.
At press time, a gagged Jeff Bezos was introduced to a rogue Amazon Alexa, who, while imitating his voice and cadence exactly, reminded him that no one would ever even realize he was gone.
https://www.theonion.com/then-you-ll-put-out-a-nice-press-release-stepping-down-1846189979
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From The Onion... (Original Post)
Zorro
Feb 2021
OP
seen Grovelbot ?
🤔
✌🏻
AwakeAtLast
(14,124 posts)3. Ha ha! DUzy!
Grovelbot is probably with Agent Mike.
JustABozoOnThisBus
(23,339 posts)4. Amazon.com, reorganizing as SkyNet. nt
Hermit-The-Prog
(33,328 posts)5. I was afraid ...
Any day now, I'm afraid of reading a report that the entire staff behind The Onion is in protective custody under 24 hour suicide watch because reality has left too little room for parody and satire. It is good they have the self-preserving sense to look away from Margarine Turned Greene and apply their skills to holding terrestrials up for laughter.