I am so mad at that Jewish Space Laser!

[PurgedVoter]

Ever since it had it's bris it has been messing with my cat.

[Moostache]

1. I'm just worried that they will out my nefarious plan next...

(in case its not drippingly obvious!!)

Years were spent developing the space-based, make-straights-gay beam and tracking system. It was ready to deploy this spring and was going to make Iowa, Kansas, Idaho and Wyoming the first test cases.

Our plot, funded by Soros and the Trilateral Commission (of course, I mean, honestly, what IS NOT funded by them anyway?) and secretly developed in Q's bathroom sink (that guy was cagy...he almost caught on, but then a sneeze blew out 3/4 of the functioning brain cells he had left and opportunity was lost)...was to convert those "god-farin' / god-fearin' Christians" into some of the most fabulously dressed equal rights activists and voter registrars in the heartland. Trump himself inadvertently provided the audio implant file which would soothe the converted into a state of blissful joy and a burning desire to get a mani-pedi and a complete wardrobe make over right now!

But, noooooo, they had to uncover the secret Jewish space laser first; after it accidentally started a forest fire - when it was just trying to nuke some Korans and New Testaments from orbit, to provide denials for those fighting the good fight of course...Hail Pence! Hail the fly, the true harbinger of the new order!!!

Curses!
Foiled again!

Now, with this disclosure, we must delay the operational testing of "Zorro: The Gay Beam"...but fear not!
We will not be deterred by their cancel culture of laser-focused, space-based bigotry!
No! The weird pillow guy and his crack pipe cannot deter us from our mission, nor cancel us from culture.
It. Is. Happening!!!

We all shine on!
Like the moon and the stars and the sun....and the Jewish lasers for fires, and Zorro: The Gay beam too!

Oh, and I have seen super secret security clearance from Q himself that the next phase is going to be the REAL beginning of the plan, people just need to block out the space lasers a little longer!

Disclaimer:
No Christians were actually converted to "having the gay" during the writing of this spoof; any claims to the contrary are very clearly defamatory in nature, designed to discredit our retro-conversion therapy plans, and should be expecting legal action from our attorneys, once they are found.

[PurgedVoter]

2. I'm just glad someone finally explained it all logically.

It makes so much better sense when you explain it.

[Cozmo]

5. Would someone please just call in the space force

[smirkymonkey]

7. At your service, sir...

[Doreen]

3. THAT'S WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING!!!

I was wondering why my cats have been all weird. Thank you for letting me know. I better put foil hats on them also.

[KY_EnviroGuy]

4. The receptor cells I put on my roof have yet to gather one microwatt.

I was hoping to power my whole house.

I must have hacked the wrong coordinates from Q.......

[smirkymonkey]

6. Damn! That Jewish Space Laser messed up my apartment again!

Now I'm going to have to clean it up all over again until the next time.

It got my laundry all dirty too. Damn Jewish Space Laser!

[ADK]

8. If we Jews had a space laser

Do you really think we would wasted our time using it to start forest fires in California? There are other persons and places that would be much higher on the list.

[Hortensis]

9. Huh! Finally, an explanation for our cats' weird behaviors.

Thanks for making the connection, Purged.

[Earthshine2]

10. As an atheist, I do not believe in the Jewish Space Laser.

The space laser simply is, and scientists are still trying find out why that is.