NEED HELP & ADVICE...PLEASE!

[SkyDaddy7]

Last edited Tue Feb 16, 2021, 01:10 AM - Edit history (1)

...My best friend, my life partner, my wife of 30yrs woke up at 3am the morning of 28 January with severe back pain. She could barely get up & walk around the pain was so bad. The date, 28 January 2021 is crystal clear because it was the one year mark in which my wife’s fraternal twin sister died from an opiate overdose & my wife had already taken the day off so her & I could go spend the day with her parents. My wife & her twin sister are her parent’s only two children.
...The pain was so intense my wife made an appointment to see our family doctor who we love...But it wouldn’t be for another 2 days. Meanwhile, her Mom & Aunt came to our house because her Dad is currently hospitalized with ongoing heart, lung & kidney issues.
...To make a long story shorter, our family doctor suspected possible kidney stones & sent her for a CT scan. What came back was a potential nightmare! The scan appeared to show her liver was covered in lesions & our family doctor along with the radiologist who did the scan feared metastatic disease! So our family doctor sent my wife for an MRI to be done by a different radiologist at a different location & they too feared the same thing! So, she is immediately scheduled for an upper & lower endoscopy as well as a PET Scan in an attempt to find the origin of the cancer.
...By this time a week or more has passed & now my wife is not only in intense pain but experiencing round the clock nausea & vomiting! The vomiting was so bad she wasn’t able drink the prep for her endoscopy that clears the bowels. So they ended up hospitalizing my wife to get her IV fluids & pain medication while at the same time using other methods to do the endoscopy as best they could.
...What they found was two large tumors in her colon that had grown together blocking passage of waste. This is why she was becoming so sick! They scheduled surgery right away & that was done this morning. They removed the tumors in the colon but due to the back up they had to create a temporary colostomy. They also got a good look at her liver the GI surgeon told me was more than 70% covered in lesions! He said he couldn’t visibly see that the cancer had spread to other areas inside her body but that is no guarantee.
...So, OBVIOUSLY THIS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!
...My wife is supposed to be given roughly 4-6 weeks to heal from this colon surgery...To give her body enough time to build up the strength to handle some of the most intense chemotherapy treatments there are, or so they made it sound, in a desperate attempt to save her life.

...My wife’s official diagnosis is Stage 4 Colon Cancer that’s spread to the liver...Her liver is more than 70% covered in lesions. Not sure yet if the cancer has spread to other organs.

...I’m not religious & I fully understand the odds. What I would like is REAL WORLD ADVICE on what I can do, buy &/or prepare for to make my wife as comfortable as possible during chemotherapy?

...I may not interact much with this post but that doesn’t mean I’m not reading the replies.

Thank-you DU!!!?️

...EDIT: Adding this to my post to THANK EVERYONE for all the support, advice, hugs & DU LOVE!!
I’m overwhelmed & can’t wait to show my wife! I truly ?️ all of you!!!

[Evergreen Emerald]

1. I am so sorry.

[Rustyeye77]

2. Damn...I'm so sorry

Maybe a hospital bed in living room so she doesn’t have to walk?

A basket near her bed if she gets nausea?

A fan if she gets hot?

Ice pack?

Sorry again.

[ChazII]

3. I wish

I had answers for you but I don't. My mother died of stage 4 lung cancer, my father from pancreatic cancer and I lost my only child last March to the same tumor that took Pres. Biden's son, Beau. I am hoping you get answers here.

[Crunchy Frog]

4. I can't help you, but I'm wishing you both the best.

[Hermit-The-Prog]

5. Sorry you two are going through this. I'm completely ignorant about it, but -kick- for visibility.

[Croney]

6. I'm sorry. Here is a link to a colon cancer forum

that was very helpful to my family when my late sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. The one thing I would say (I'm not a doctor) is that your wife's diagnosis is not a death sentence. Many people on this forum are long-term survivors. Good luck!

http://coloncancersupport.colonclub.com/viewforum.php?f=1

[SkyDaddy7]

48. Thank-you!!!

?️

[OneGrassRoot]

7. I had colon cancer, discovered in the ER...

with emergency surgery. I didn't have total blockage, and thus it had not perforated the colon, but I had one positive lymph node. I had been very sick for quite some time; I'm shocked your wife didn't have symptoms before the night of unbearable back pain.

I am so very, very sorry for what you're both going through.

I learned a lot about cancer very quickly. I learned that each type of cancer is different, and thus each type of cancer has its own "cocktail" -- and every single person reacts differently.

You're going to find that the chemo for colon cancer is platinum based and has some really bizarre side effects. Unless something has changed in the last three years, the most bizarre side effect of the platinum-based chemo is that if exposed to cold temps, it feels like touching an electric fence. You have to wear gloves and a scarf over your mouth to open the fridge or freezer; if cold air hits your mouth, you'll feel like you're suffocating even though you aren't.

I wish I could offer suggestions. Everyone is so different. I preferred to go it alone; I prefer to be isolated when not well. It was really, really rough, I'll be honest. Hopefully your relationship is such that she will be completely honest about what she needs -- and she won't know until she's in the midst of it, and it may change by the hour. Patience is required on your part.

Surely they'll have a consult to prepare you both and tell you what to have on hand in case of various side effects. I had low-grade nausea but not outright vomiting. I had a gnarly purple torso rash, of course no energy whatsoever, and other things I can't even remember now.

I had a recurrence -- one lesion on the liver -- a year ago July. It was successfully removed. They do close surveillance, so they can catch things quickly once you have this horrific diagnosis. I had oral chemo this time and it was much better, without the really bizarre platinum side effects. Bad, but much better.

But, amazingly, you get through to the other side. You're both in the midst of the nightmare/shock stage. I hope your caregivers are as wonderful as mine were. I had not been to a doctor in over 15 years as I had no health insurance after my divorce. Fortunately, I got ACA coverage the same year I got to the point I couldn't function and finally went to the ER.

But every single person involved in my care has been amazing. Truly amazing, lessening the impact of the nightmare. Please feel free to message me - for any reason.

I'll be thinking of you both.

[SkyDaddy7]

56. Thank-you!

Especially for being open about what to possibly expect. Yes, we are very very close. This will sound like I’m making it up but my wife & I have just been one of those couples or people in the world who’ve been dealt a rather shitty hand of cards since not long after we met. It just happens to some people & as bad as our has been Im fully aware there are hundreds of millions if not more who have it far worse!
...4 years after meeting & year after marrying in 1997 she was in a horrific head on collision on her way to work...She had over 100 fractures in her face & skull alone along with severe traumatic brain injuries, shattered pelvis, left arm, both legs & left hip had to be replaced...ALL required long surgeries w/titanium pins, rods, plates & mesh to repair. Over 200 micro plates & pins in her face along with mesh to rebuild sinus cavities. Just as we were getting back on our feet & trying to start all over I suffered a spinal cord injury @C-4/5 requiring months of hospitalization & 8 weeks of in house rehab multiple surgeries...blah blah blah!
...So, between the the 2 of us our injuries robbed us of having a family so it’s just been us two together. So, regardless how this goes down we will fight to bitter end! I know she will she is my FREAKIN ROCK!!

...I’m glad you told me about the “Platinum based chemo” ...I will definitely write that down & the effects you described. Just in case she is given the same.

...Are you currently cancer free? Regardless, I hope the best for you & thank you again!?️

[OneGrassRoot]

69. Oh my....

You've both certainly been through traumatic experiences!!! The strength you built as a couple, and as individuals, through those experiences will NO DOUBT enable you to get through this more gracefully than most, I dare say. After the shock of hearing the scary word "cancer," actually walking through this journey may not be as horrific as what you've already experienced.

As others have noted below, nowadays (surely everywhere?) there are "teams" to get patients AND their caregivers through this ordeal. Not only the typical medical caregivers but nutritionists, social workers, and others under the umbrella of your palliative care team. And they work together seamlessly in most cases.

So many developments have progressed in just the last three years; they're constantly improving treatment, with less side effects and more efficacy, and improving the integration of care based on the patient's preferences and individual needs.

YES, as of my last scan back in October, I am still cancer free. I was cancer free upon removal of the lesion on my liver but I will have labs every three months for five years, and scans every six months as part of surveillance. (Another thing you'll learn about are "cancer markers" -- specific labs for for specific cancers. I'm very, very fortunate that mine is a good indication of colon cancer being present; it was super high before my initial surgery, went down to nil after surgery, and it started to climb again when the scan showed the recurrence on the liver, and was back down to nil after that surgery.)

Take good care. I have a feeling you will both be fine. Tired, but essentially fine. Hopefully you will feel good about your care team and can feel comfort following their guidance, and receiving their support.

[alittlelark]

8. I know I will be ridiculed and dismissed by most that read this.

But seek out a shaman. Not a loony painted idiot . A Real shaman

Someone born into a lineage of shamans. This country has many, but few will interact with non-tribal members. S America may be your best option.

I was a hardcore athiest until 5 or so years ago. Hundreds of DU posts could attest to it I went to Peru. My life changed. I am not religious, but I recognize the Power of frequencies etc.

If you feel - in your heart - that our med system is failing your loved one pls seek outside this paradigm.

[StarryNite]

21. I, for one, would never ridicule you for that advice.

There is more than meets the eye.

[wnylib]

42. I agree. But I would not put all my

eggs in one basket. Shamanic healing, as far as I can see, is a wholistic approach that can be very helpful while she also receives chemo. Doctors and nurses that I have talked with agree on the benefit of a person's attitude and feelings in regard to recovery and healing. Call it whatever you want - positive energy, release of endophins, enhancing the immune system. A combination of meditative calm, positive outlook, the love of family and friends, combined with scientific medicine, are all beneficial.

I am sorry that I don't have more specific, pragmatic advice or tips, but on one thing you can't go wrong. By now you know the things that make her happy. Let her know how much you care by being there for her when she needs it, giving her space when she needs it, listening when she needs to talk, and enjoying things that make her happy. Her doctors, medical staff, and groups that have been there can give you more specific tips on coping.

And know that the love and support of DU is here, too. Best wishes for both of you.

[bdamomma]

9. I am

so sorry for the both of you. Regarding what to do for you and your wife. Does the hospital have Palliative care personnel or even Social workers to help you to answer some of your questions, and how to make your wife and feel supported while you are going through this ordeal. I hope this suggestion helps you.

[ChazII]

12. My son's palliative team

was great. Care for everything was set up through them. Please listen to bdamomma advice.

[yardwork]

20. I was going to post the same thing.

Ask your wife's doctors to refer you and her to a social worker, palliative care specialist, or some other patient support. Some hospitals have patient navigators. Keep asking until they connect you with somebody who can give you answers, guidance and support.

[frazzled]

10. What a nightmare, and so sorry to hear this

Here is my feeble advice from also caring for a spouse undergoing extensive chemo treatment and procedures. It may or may not apply to you and your wife’s wishes and or styles. Everyone must do this according to their own needs.

First, you are the advocate. Accompany her to every appointment, consultation, and procedure, if possible. Take written notes. In all the stress, you can not count on remembering every detail. She will not adequately process much of anything.

Second—and this is something our oncologist suggested, for which I am grateful: Do not go scouring the Internet for information or “stories” on forums. Every single case is different, and there’s a lot of junk out there that is either irrelevant or harmful. Listen to the doctors, and if they point you to any information you need to know, just keep it to that.

Chemos are all specific and different, and different patients will respond differently, so it’s hard to give advice. Today they have excellent anti-nausea drugs that are pushed through infusions before the chemo. So my husband had no problem with that. Mostly just extreme fatigue.

Try to be the person who provides as much rest and comfort as needed, who sorts and dispenses any post-treatment pills and medications (there may be a ton of them, and your wife will not be in shape to figure all that out herself), and try to keep her strength up by providing nutrient rich meals. If needed, ask the doctor or hospital to provide a nutritionist for specific dietary needs and/or restrictions.

You will have to do *everything* so make sure you take care of yourself. It’s a tough job, and you don’t want to get caretaker’s fatigue. If she’s feeling well enough on some days, give her a simple job, like emptying the dishwasher. It will be good for her to move around if she can, and good for you.

Lastly, stay positive and believe. They do amazing things these days. This is not meant to give you false hope, but to say simply that believing there is hope has its own benefits.

Good luck. I send good vibe for a positive road ahead.

[niyad]

16. The only thing I would suggest to this post is to record every consult/visit, etc, not just

take notes. Pre-CoViD, when I accompanied a friend to her appts., I recorded everything and transcribed later.

[SkyDaddy7]

59. Thank-you!!

I really appreciate the sound advice! Taking notes is key! We’re just barely a month into this, not even a month & Im a mental mess! Unfortunately, we’ve already had to deal with both of us being severely injured...She was in a near fatal head on collision in 1997 & I suffered a spinal cord injury in 2003 @C-4/5...As horrific as both of those were I think this is worse.

...But we’ve learned to fight hour by hour day by day.

It just sux.

Thanks again for advice.?️

[Ms. Toad]

11. The best advice I can give you is to find an online support group of people with colon cancer.

I have cancer x2 (probably x3, but I've a month to go before they explore the likely 3rd cancer since I'm still healing from the 3 surgeries to treat the 2nd). I haven't needed chemo - so I don't have any specific advice.

But everytime I acquire a disease I'm not familiar with, I look for an online support group. They can be a wealth of practical information about how to cope with physical symptoms, as well as being intimately familiar with the impact the disease has emotionally.

You know your wife - does she need information to help her cope, or would she rather someone else manage the information flow? My daughter doesn't want to know a lot of medical detail, so I am the researcher and keeper of information. Neither does my spouse. On the other hand - I want to know everything it is possible to know. Depending on how she's wired, you can find and feed information to her - or just find and implement suggestions to make her comfortable without going into the details about why or what to expect.

Talk to her about things you know you can anticipate like hair loss. Once she's healed before chemo - would she like to be prepared with a wig for hair loss? I couldn't care less - I would have just shaved my head and not had a second thought. But having a quality wig was critical for my boss. So before the chemo started, she and her husband picked a with out for her so that it was there for her when she needed it.

Don't skimp on aids for comfort. Talk to others about what helped for skin care, clothing sensitivity, etc. I spent what seems like an exorbitant amount of money on cream to minimize radiation burns. It was worth every penny.

Finally - challenging advice - talk to her (and her doctors) about the time she has left. How much quality time will chemo gain? Will she have quality time? Is there a point at which she will be able to tell that the chemo is working (or not)? At what point would the two of you rather enjoy chemo-free time together rather than continuing to chase every potential cure?



Sorry you're dealing with this, but I'm sure your wife will appreciate all of the attention you are giving to trying to make her life easier.

[SkyDaddy7]

60. Thank-you!

Yes, I can totally relate...I’m the one who wants to know as much info as I can...Accurate quality info. Plus, personal accounts on what others may have done to cope with whatever it was they were dealing with.

My wife is more of the type who only wants to know what is necessary in most cases. So that is why I feel I should do the heavy mental lifting & see what all she/we will be facing.

We will be meeting her oncologist for the first time once she is well enough to come home. I think we have an appointment next Tuesday to be honest.

[ProudMNDemocrat]

13. Hugs to you in your time of need

[SkyDaddy7]

61. ♥️

[Demonaut]

14. I'm sorry to hear this, no advice except to wait for the final diagnosis.

Last edited Tue Feb 16, 2021, 01:29 AM - Edit history (2)

[central scrutinizer]

15. I'm so sorry.

My wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about 5 years ago. I was her primary care giver but it was pre-COVID and family and friends pitched in. I dearly hope you have others you can call on. You can’t do it alone. It takes a village.

A hospital bed is a good idea to find a position that is comfortable for your wife. Beware of fentanyl patches. If your wife doesn’t have a lot of fatty tissue, they won’t work. Even with OxyContin. Ask about methadone for pain relief. It made a big difference in my wife’s quality of life. Investigate hospice care. They will provide everything, deliver meds, have a nurse visit often, provide counseling for you.

[Sunny Daze]

17. Your love and support

are what she most needs. My husband is a seven year survivor of 4th stage colon cancer. Wish I could say it was easy. I will say it was all very much worth it and thankfully he’s able to have lots of great days now.

[world wide wally]

18. All you can really do is to be there for her and let her know she is loved,

And tell her she is beautiful

[niyad]

19. I am so very sorry for what you and your wife are going through. There is some very good advice

in these posts, and ?I hope it helps. All I can offer is vibes for healing and strength and endurance, whatever comes. Remember that your DU family is here for you, so do not hesitate if you have need.

[electric_blue68]

22. What a Horrific situation! Ok I just quickly googled up...

something from the back of my mind that I'd read brief bits of (off and on through a few years); of to help mitigate chemo treatment side effects. (cancer survivors, and one living w cancer in my various circles - so yeah, I take peeks at this stuff)

Don't know if you can get it, how she, you feel about etc

But look up CBD- Cannabidiol: it's the non-psychoactive property of marijuana, and hemp plants.
They're basically the same species - Cannabis:
Marijuana has more than 0.3% of THC (psychoactive)
HEMP has less than 0.3% of THC.

What can it help with:
•Reduce Pain (partly from inflammation, swelling reduction)
•Reduce Nausea & Vomiting
•Increase Appetite (reduce serious weight loss)
•Help with Insomnia

A site suggest getting a product that gets it CBD
only or mostly from Hemp Seeds (low thc factor).

At least 3 delivery mechanisms:
Edibles, drops, and vapes.

I hope this might be of some help.

My thoughts will be with you and your wife.


Since aliitlelark went to shamanism I'll add this-

There seems to be a prayer group on DU perhaps to pray for people. You might be an atheist, or agnostic...

but prayer is a form of vibration... and the universe is full of vibration.
It certainly can't hurt at least imho.

Good advice from posters (both my parents had serious to severe illnesses at times my mom in particular early on Saturday n my life at 5+ yrs, she in her 30's, my dad later).

[OneGrassRoot]

23. I've been through chemo twice...

in the last 3 years. And while my caregivers are very open to alternative and integrative approaches, they preferred I not take CBD oil DURING chemo. There are actually some indications (per a few scientist and doctor friends) that it could cause the cancer cells to proliferate and counteract the chemo.

HOWEVER, they all recommend it preventively once cancer free.

That’s just what I’ve encountered. Charlotte’s Web is the most highly recommended.

[electric_blue68]

27. Wow I had not heard that! Thanks for info. Much good luck to you!

[OneGrassRoot]

28. I should have also said that...

it depends on the type of cancer re: the proliferation concern.

[electric_blue68]

29. Got it. Thanks

[Cozmo]

24. Please, palliative care is the best option for her condition

You are her advocate, support system and the love of her life. Take care, we're thinking of you both

[Staph]

25. There's a lot of really good advice here.

As a survivor of endometrial cancer (returned twice and caused a bowel blockage the second time), I would tell your wife to listen to her body. When she's tired, take a nap. When she's hungry, eat, whatever sounds tasty. If banana milkshakes and pickles sound good, eat it. Some folks will push her to eat a "fill-in-the-blanks" special diet. But while you're on chemo, eat whatever you can get down and keep down. I had the platinum chemo the first time around and luckily had no nausea. They loaded the IV with anti-nausea drugs. But others have different experiences.

Oh, and tell her to celebrate if her hair falls out! Hair follicles are among the fastest growing in your body. If your hair falls out, it means that the chemo is working. And she won't have to shave her legs or armpits for months! Celebrate the good stuff!

[central scrutinizer]

32. My wife donated her hair

She knew it was going to fall out so just before she started chemo she went to a place that took human hair and used it to make wigs for cancer patients. She didn’t care if she was bald. Hats and scarves were enough.

[Cozmo]

26. Ask your healthcare pro about resources for palliative care

You can also google a palliative care directory for your location. Best of luck

[Oldem]

30. My heart goes out to you and your wife.

And there's so much more pain that's been experienced by responders in this thread. I'm thankful that I've had no experience with cancer in my family, but I have lived with chronic--and often acute--back and neck pain for nearly sixty years. Someone recommended exploring the possibilities of methadone, and I second that. I took it for years. It works differently than any other pain medication, since it's a laboratory synthesized version of an opiate. I can't tell you why or how it acts differently than morphine, but it does. No morphine-based drug ever did a thing for me, but very low doses of methadone did.

I also second the suggestion to take care of yourself. You can't be of much use to her if you wear yourself down. Taking care of yourself includes taking care of your thinking and attitude. So find help for yourself wherever you can.

I am a man of faith, so I'll pray for you both.

[bottomofthehill]

31. I am so sorry for you both, that is just plain a lot to get at once.

Hopefully, the surgery and chemo will be able to stop any further progression. I was raised in an Irish Catholic home and although I don’t get to church enough, I still believe in the power of prayer, positive thoughts, good vibes, call it what you will but you have all of them from me.

I had a similar experience, but actually had kidney stones. On some of the throw away slides from the ct scan they saw a tumor in my colon. I had a colonoscopy and they removed the polyp’s. A similar but much less scary set of circumstances.

I will say a prayer for you both tonite and send every best wish and food vibe I can muster. Stay strong as you are now the primary caregiver for your loved one.

[AncientOfDays]

33. My heart goes out to you

I lost my wife 6 years ago to this cancer.

[Marie Marie]

34. I am so sorry to hear this. No advice just

[KY_EnviroGuy]

35. It's a very frightening and confusing situation for anyone. Don't forget to take care of yourself.

Since you will be key to her well-being, perhaps set aside a little time for you each day for a personal care and review.

I suggest you become familiar with the American Cancer Society web site and you may want to call their local chapter to see what assistance they have to offer. If you're like most of us, when cancer strikes we're ignorant of its implications and treatment and need all the help we can get. Many of the larger hospitals where cancer treatment is available have help centers you can call.

See: https://www.cancer.org/

Here's an excellent source of info on cancer and its treatments:

Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center

Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center — the world’s oldest and largest private cancer center — has devoted more than 135 years to exceptional patient care, innovative research, and outstanding educational programs. Today, we are one of 51 National Cancer Institute–designated Comprehensive Cancer Centers, with state-of-the-art science flourishing side by side with clinical studies and treatment.

Although their web site is centered around their big hospital in New York, NY, the site has lots of great free info for patients and caregivers relating to nutrition and patient comfort and care.

Cancer care: https://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care

Resources for Caregivers: https://www.mskcc.org/experience/caregivers-support

Patient & Caregiver Education: https://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/patient-education

Managing Symptoms & Side Effects: https://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/diagnosis-treatment/symptom-management

Integrative Medicine: https://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/diagnosis-treatment/symptom-management/integrative-medicine/herbs

Their pages on herbs and other dietary supplements are among the best I've found. Much of it's based on their research on helping cancer patients survive treatment more comfortably although I use it just for general safety and usage knowledge about supplements of all types.

You will likely get all sorts of suggestions from people on alternative medicine to possibly help her and Sloan is a good resource to get professional knowledge on those items.

We wish you and your wife all the best and please keep us posted on how she and you are doing.


Hope this helps.........

[LymphocyteLover]

36. I don't have any specific advice but I do wish the very best for you and your wife

so sorry for that awful situation.

The one good thing is livers can be cut back a lot and regrow, unlike other other organs.

[SleeplessinSoCal]

40. that is so true. my brother had his Hepatitis C reversed.

He thought he'd be dead decade after decade. He is still among us and finally taking care of his health at age 68.

Hope the doctors help to understand the possible return to health if the most challenging treatments succeed.

[LymphocyteLover]

70. it's true that doctors are curing diseases now at much greater rates than they used to

and the human body has remarkable powers of recovery and resilience. Great to hear about your brother!

[tiredtoo]

37. About 5 years ago my wife had such back pain

She could not get out of bed. Ambulance came and took her to hospital. Exam came back as stage 4 lung cancer. We had family meeting with cancer doctor he gave her/us three options 1. Clinical trials. 2. chemo and radiation. 3. Do nothing. We did not ask and were not told prognosis. However Dr. Google said less than a year survival. She did not qualify for Clinical trials. She had radiation and chemo and died on her 75th birthday 10 months later. Every place we went for medical help and told them of her condition got teary eyed upon hearing it the first time. They all said "Do whatever brings you pleasure for your remaining days." We did so. She had two 10 day stays in the cancer wing of the hospital. I had bed put in her room and spent the nights with her. Going home in the morning to shower and change clothes. She was scheduled to have 6 chemo treatments and after 3 she asked the doctor if she could put off the treatments so she could hopefully feel better for Christmas. He of course agreed. We spent her last Christmas with the family at our youngest child's home. She was still in pain but not like when she was on chemo. When we left she broke out in sobbing tears. Knowing full well this is her last Christmas with her family. She did not go back for Chemo, she went into hospice care at home in January. Heavily sedated for the pain we were here with her until she died on March 4, her 75th birthday.
As for Chemo. We always went to a local restaurant for breakfast after the session. I like the fool i am got on my phone to text the family with the results. If i were to do it over i would have just talked and listened to my wife. We are not religious either but I did ask her if she wanted a religious service at her funeral. She replied we don't belong to any church and I sarcastically replied well we could for a few hundred dollars.
I repeat the best you can do for her is LISTEN to her and bow to her needs/desires. This experience was the most devastating thing in my life.
Feel free to message me if you have any further questions.

[bluescribbler]

38. When my wife was dying in 2009

We got a shower chair for her and I installed a handheld shower head. Two simple things which made a world of difference for her. Best wishes for you both.

[Gilbert Moore]

39. Peace

My heart goes out to you and your bride !

I would consider getting an opinion on how the chemo will lengthen her life vs the damage and side effects of chemo.

I would also consider calling a hospice and see what they could / would do for you both. Stage 4 colon isn't good, nor is cancer that metastasizes (spreads) to the liver. Before you can go into a hospice program your wife must sign many papers, one states that the general progression of the disease will likely case death within 6 months and the care to be received is pallulative. Chemo and surgery is ok if it used to shrink a growth / tumor that is interfering with major body function, but not for curative purposes. Difficult.

I have a friend with stage 4 colon cancer undergoing his second round of chemo after being stable for about a year. My mother had breast Ca that metzed to her liver and had almost 6 wonderful years with an experimental drug called tomoxofin. That was 35 years ago! I have been a hospice volunteer for 10+ years, but withCovid and my father passing last year, I'm pausing myself. My "job" was with 11th Hour program, were we sit with patients and families (hopefully) during the last 48 hours of life.

ANYONE should feel free to ask me about "all things hospice" via PM and I encourage you, dear SkyDaddy7 to reachout if you need to.

Know peace !

[Beacool]

41. I'm so sorry that you and your wife are going through this terrible ordeal.

I have very little more to offer that others haven't mentioned already. I would add that she should modify her diet.

Most harmful foods to eat as a cancer patient

As someone undergoing cancer treatment or recovering from their surgery, there are a few foods that you should steer clear of to ensure that you recover in an efficient manner. These foods are harmful because they contain substances and compounds which can accelerate the growth and spread of cancer cells in your body.

. Processed meats
. Red meats
. Salty, sugary, or oily foods
. Alcoholic beverages
. Baked meats
. Deep-fried foods
. Grilled foods
. Foods with a lot of preservatives like pickles
. Raw or unpasteurized food

Best foods to eat as a cancer patient

. Parsley
. Cauliflower
. Peaches
. Kiwi
. Brussel Sprouts
. Vitamin C
. Chickpeas
. Nuts
. Oats
. Rice

https://www.arizonaoncologyfoundation.org/what-cancer-patients-should-not-eat/

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.

[DFW]

43. My wife had cancer twice. Each case is different.

Listen to the oncologists and listen to her. They will be your best sources of advice on what to do. If any radiation is involved, a woman at our bank gave us some advice which sounded nuts, but turned out to be golden: use liberal layers of baby powder where she was zapped. My wife did that and had zero scarring. Nothing. That was after breast cancer.

After the breast cancer, she got regular screening every few months. Then, a little over four years ago, she notice a drop or two of blood in her urine. Her gyn said probably nothing, but with her history, get everything checked. The diagnosis was what in German clinics is called „the murderer,“ since it is never discovered until it is too late to save the patient. But the onc clinic said they had never seen it caught this early, either. A year later, one of her friends, who had never been sick, and never went to a doctor was diagnosed with the same thing. She lasted a year. My wife underwent an absolutely brutal operation, but is now, four and a half years later, still here. Her onc said it was the first time he had EVER been so optimistic after such a grim diagnosis. So far, he has been right. SOMEBODY has to be that one case in ten thousand that beats all odds. Never give up hope that your wife is the one, because she must just be it.

Again, each case is different. Each time, I was lucky to be working for an outfit that gave me all the time off I needed to care for her and be there when she wanted me there—and leave her alone when she said she needed it. This will require more strength than either of you knew you had. But you do.

To the extent you can, be there for her, and make sure she knows it. That‘s one drug you can‘t get at any pharmacy, but it has been, at least in our experience, one of the most helpful.

[COL Mustard]

44. SkyDaddy, I'm So Sorry

To read your news. I hope you have a trusted counselor that you can turn to. I’m not particularly religious, but I’ll send my best thoughts and even a prayer your way.

[c-rational]

45. So sorry to hear of your situation SkyDaddy7. Having read your Post and the replies, I believe

tiredtoo (post 37) has some of the best advice. Be present with your wife, listen, and have as much fun as you can. In 2013 my older brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. His colon cancer had spread to his liver and lungs. He had an incredible constitution - but. He hung on for 1 year 10 months. At the end after chemo he also had radiation treatment. In hindsight, I believe it did him more harm (pain) than good. Do your planning, get local support to help with the daily chores, and remember to take care of yourself, and stay in good spirits - for your wife and yourself.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

46. I am so sorry.

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.

There is a lot of good advice here, lots of different advice. I hope some of it is helpful to you.

[canetoad]

47. Hope for the best

Prepare yourself for the worst.

[Progressive Jones]

49. I'm so sorry for what your wife and the rest of your loved ones are going through.

[sinkingfeeling]

50. I'm so very sorry. I'm a 12 year Stage IV cancer of the tonsils survivor,

so I know the panic and fear you are experiencing. The only thing I can tell you is to try to encourage a positive mental state. Find a support group or speak with a counselor.

[people]

51. Need help

Dear Skydaddy,
My heart goes out to you and your wife. You being your wife's best best friend is the very best you can give, are giving and will continue to give your wife. Palliative care will certainly be able to alleviate much of her pain. Will be hoping that your wife's pain diminishes significantly within the next week or so and also you staying with her and loving her is everything. Take care both of you.

[FuzzyRabbit]

52. So sorry you are going through this.

Have faith. My sister and I each have had serious operations within the last few years. We both came through with flying colors. Modern medicine can do miraculous things sometimes. I sincerely hope your wife has a successful outcome.

I don't pray, but I will pray for you and your wife.

[Moostache]

53. I am so very sorry for your wife and you to receive such news...

If the end is coming, and nothing will prevent its unwelcome arrival; spend every second that you can listening to her, trying to be 100% present when you are able to be together. There is no greater gift or commodity than time, it is precious beyond money, power, fame or anything else, but its the one thing we usually take for granted until its either running out or gone.

I recently turned 50, and am coming up on 15-years cancer free after discovering I had renal cell carcinoma at age 37 with 5 kids at home and the youngest being just 7 months old. I was touched by providence and received the diagnosis by pure happenstance and luck when an X-ray tech at the emergency room (admitted with food poisoning of all things) located a lesion on my film that was sent to a radiologist and then several other opinions before surgical ablation of the kidney was undertaken. I try to remember my luck and my undeserved second chance every chance I get...its not fair that I was granted a reprieve, when so many others don't get close to that level of luck. I live with that silent guilt all the time, made worse by my mother's passing last November of the duo of COVID-19 and Cancer that stalked her for 19 years and 6 remissions. I was spared once...but I feel that cancer is stalking me and waiting for the inevitable rematch due to the family history and my own story so far.

In the months since my mother's passing, I have gone through the stages of grief again and again; but the one thing I am comforted by is the knowledge that the very last words I was able to share with her, before the end, were "I love you." When she was no longer able to respond, no longer able to fight, I held onto that memory tighter; and it kept me out of the abyss...and still does today. One of my uncles was at the small service we eventually held for mom, and through tears of loss he asked me why we have to go through this, the pain, the loss and the sadness it brings to us. All I could do was tell him I don't know why. I don't have the answer; but I know that the end is part of the journey that ends for our loved ones and continues for us. Those painful memories fade in time, giving way to happier ones, or at least less painful ones; and serve to keep the departed alive in our minds and psyche as we cope with the loss.

I truly wish the best for you, but if the worst is the verdict, that you can cherish the minutes and memories that remain - and that you can find the strength to be present and in the moment as long as fate gives you opportunity.

[marlakay]

54. Sending you a big virtual hug

No advice just hope for a morsel of peace.

I am not religious either but yoga helps calm me down. Might be something for you as you are her support.

[NewEnglandAutumn]

55. I'm so sorry but hope this helps

When we learned my husband had cancer he was in serious denial mode and I was numb. I made promises to a god I don't even believe in and wanted him to stay with me no matter the cost. Most of what I share is more practical but the emotional/spiritual will follow.

Personal hygiene is important because it is so important to self esteem. The colostomy can be a problem the bags can come off and the glue/tape can be very irritating to the skin. The ostomy bags and various options to secure them are tricky because what works for one person does not work for another. My daughter really liked the stoma powder available when she had her colostomy. The trick was not using too much or too little. We also learned that when we changed her bag it helped to stay still for a few minutes to let it 'set'.

Control. I try to make sure he feels in control as much as he needs and I am in control of the things he needs to ignore. ie when we go to an er he checks out mentally so he can feel in control of himself and I go through history, meds, what brought us in etc and advocate foe the things I know he needs at that moment. I'm sure you will figure this out but being aware of how important control is will help you find the balance that works for you.

For vomiting we started buying the emesis bags that are available in hospitals it makes the whole process less messy and the knowledge we always have a few gives him piece of mind. If possible a good mouth rinse also helps.

I also buy packs of foam wash cloths infused with a gentle soap. I know its not good for the environment but the foam is abrasive enough to make you feel clean and gentle enough to not damage fragile skin.

While nutrition is important, sometimes calories trumps nutrition. Shakes,ice cream, favorite foods anything that appeals is always on the menu. When he is losing weight I get those Ensure or Boost beverages and always hand him one to sip on through the day.

Ondansetron has been great for nausea and especially the OTD ones because they dissolve so they don't get thrown up so easily. He was also prescribed Lorazapam (Ativan) for nausea sometimes it seems one works better than the other. Lorazapam is available in a liquid form which has helped.

Pain management is a problem. It is not that it can not be achieved, it is just so personal. We use fentynal patches to keep his pain at bay then use other meds to handle his breakthrough pain. The trouble with patches is they can peel off so we put tegaderm over them and alway write the date on them so we don't forget to change them.

Your relationship will dictate how to cope with each other. There are times we packeting it away and ignore it times we discuss at length feelings, ground rules (when to stop, when to push etc). We hold hands and just spend time near each other each on our own laptop just 'being'.

He has made much longer than doctor's wildest expectations and they have not idea why but I have been living with his slow decline for years. It is hard. REALLY hard. The thing is the reason why it is hard is because I love him like crazy and it will always be 'too soon' no matter how long we have. I feel time catching up and it scares the crap out of me. All I can do is make him as comfortable as I can, let him feel he is loved and hold his hand.

[BadgerMom]

57. My brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer in 2003.

He will celebrate his 81st birthday next month.

I’m not offering false hope. His Sloan Kettering oncologist considers him her miracle. Although the cancer had metastasized to his heart and other organs, he responded miraculously to Interferon. I don’t know if that’s still used to fight the disease. I speak only of my brother’s response.

Best of luck to you and your partner. Good thoughts sent your way.

[Skittles]

80. it often sounds like a crap shoot (hey is that a pun?)

I remember picking up a friend after a colonoscopy, and being astonished when I found out he was, er, "clean as a whistle" - the man eats nothing but junk food - the doc told me in his opinion the overriding factor is genetics, yes indeed

[1plus1equals1]

58. I promise, you'll know

I (as a fellow caregiver) fully understand your shock, fear and grief. I won't offer a lot due to the fact that every day will be different for both of you; the only guarantee is that every aspect of your life will change and you'll know what to do or you'll figure out really quick and then you'll do what needs to be done. The following are a few items (no specific order) you may want to consider:

Talk to your employer now and negotiate schedules to get as much time with you wife as possible; I focused a lot on being available during doctor visits (speaker phone is an option if needed), being available during treatment and post treatment.

Plan on doing absolutely everything around the house; let her do what she feels like doing, which will not be a lot.

Talk to family and set limits. Discuss this with your wife so she knows what is being discussed and she won't feel that people are talking about her without her knowledge. Ask for help if needed.

Know that her immune system will be greatly compromised.

Be prepared for blunt conversations with the doctors; this will be difficult at first, but I personally wouldn't have it any other way. You will likely have a lead oncologist who will manage your care and know that they are the go-to source for information because every case is different.

Life expectancy is based on industry standards; we (my wife) are continuing to prove those estimates wrong. Advancements in treatments is increasing by the day; what was a death sentence 5-years ago is not necessarily the case today. Although, be prepared to hear the term incurable.

Yes, based on the type of treatment, she will loose her hair. Help her pick out wigs and hats; we had fun with this.

This will not be easy, but you must take care of yourself; know that you can't take care of your wife if you don't take care of youself too. I was told this and didn't initially heed this warning and paid a certain price for it. Have someone you can talk to and absolutely seek therapy if needed, I did.

And for the biggest piece of advice...shower her with love!

P.S. I promise, you'll know what to do.

Best wishes.

TFRD

[MyMission]

62. I have several suggestions

1) creative visualization, or guided imagery, which involves visualizing the cancer being devoured or destroyed by the chemotherapy and by other treatments that may be used. Check out this website. You can also Google this topic for more information.
http://pacmanhealingproject.webflow.io

2) someone mentioned diet earlier in this thread. There is some thought that an alkaline diet is beneficial for cancer prevention (and treatment) whereas an acidic diet can increase the risk or growth of cancer. You can look up information on this, but here's a good link to start
https://www.aicr.org/resources/blog/another-cancer-and-diet-claim-the-alkaline-diet/
Another article takes a different view. https://www.curetoday.com/view/acid-test

3) positive thoughts help tremendously. Stay away from negative people and believe that all things are possible. Cancer used to be a death sentence, but that is no longer true. Many who are diagnosed are overcome with fear and negative thoughts, which can impede healing.
Meditation, biofeedback, music, watching comedies all help to foster a positive and peaceful outlook.

4) coke syrup, mint tea, Ginger ale are all helpful with nausea. Keep a supply of whichever she prefers, and there may be other things that help. Saltines, or a favorite mild cracker is also good to keep on hand, to get or keep something in the stomach.

5) Aromatherapy is another thing that can help to create a pleasant environment. Here's an article discussing it.
https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-aromatherapy

I am sending light and love and healing energy to you both.

[BobTheSubgenius]

63. I'm so sorry, and I feel so badly for the two of you.

I also wish I had some good advice, but I have no real experience with chemo, et al. My best friend died from cancer, but it was so advanced when it was confirmed, the oncologist could only offer a shot at an additional 6 months. Going through all that and only getting the worst 6 months of your life at the end of it seemed like an awful idea, so she passed.

I do know that fentanyl was very ineffective for her, which, given its incredible overdose power seems unlikely, but I see someone else mentioned it. What worked for her was a methadone patch and 8mg dilaudid for "breakthrough" pain.

I would also agree with looking into cannabinoids, but don't pin your hopes on them. For some, they work very, very well, and for others, almost not at all.

The last bit I have is also mentioned above, and it was also my father's mantra. When you're sick, eat what you feel like. It's probably something the body can tolerate.

The very, very best of fortune to you both!

[EndlessWire]

64. I am so sorry.

My only advice is trivial, but it's all I have. If you decide to get a hospital bed, get an electric one. They are expensive, but you will regret getting one of those crank ones.

There are many people who turn their living rooms into hospital rooms. Do not hesitate to do this. It's normal. It's okay.

Don't give up. Try everything, but don't go too far afield. Work with your team. Try to reduce stress. And, take care of yourself, too. She needs you. Look around for a respite team, and take advantage. Get the help you need.

The temporary colostomy can be borne, but it can be frightening. Not to worry. The nurses will teach you both how to care for it. Reassure your wife that it doesn't matter to you. Everything will be okay.

Having someone who loves you and will help you can be a large part of healing. She is lucky to have you. Be low key, don't panic, and stay positive.

I'll be praying for you.

[ancianita]

71. I second this advice!

[crickets]

65. I am so very sorry to hear this.

I can't add to the wonderful advice you've received here, but please know my thoughts are with you and your wife. All the strength and love to you both.

[ms.pamela]

66. Need Advice

My dear man, I understand what you are going through. Both my parents died of cancer. I took care of my dad in last four months of his life, he had lung cancer due to agent orange and no treatment made a dent in the cancer but he did go into a clinical trial at Hershey Medical Center this research did not help him but it proved to be of use to many others. My mother had follicular lymphoma and lived for 18 years; she did several clinical trials all over the US. Cancer therapy that utilizes the immune system is being studied at many Universities in the US. Please go to the National Institute of Health website and do some research. I live in Washington State near Seattle, one of the nation's premier cancer Institutes is there, the Fred Hutch as we fondly call it. There is the Anderson Institute in Texas, John Hopkins in Maryland, Vanderbilt University in Nashville and UCF in San Francisco to name a few. Don't give up hope please.
I will pray for your wife and you. Oh, and one thing more the doctors told my mother to cut all sugar out of her diet as it feeds cancer.

[Vivienne235729]

67. So sorry to hear this. Truly an unimaginable nightmare.

I will keep y’all in my prayers. ❤️

[Demovictory9]

68. no advice but sending healing vibes.

[carburyme]

72. Offering my prayers of hope

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through these days skydaddy7. I have nothing to offer except my empathy and prayers hoping that your wife’s case is going to be one of those biggest comeback miracle ever😘here’s sending all my positive vibes..🙏🙏🙏

[Freedomofspeech]

73. The DU is filled with brilliant and compassionate people...

So much good advice has been shared...I am sending you and your wife much love and peace. Also sending the same to your in laws.

[mcar]

74. I'm so very sorry, SkyDaddy

My father had a similar experience - colon cancer that had spread to the liver. This was in the '80s. It was an extremely difficult experience, to say the least, compounded by the fact that his oncologists' policy was to not tell the patient they were terminal. They encouraged fighting, and continuous treatment.

One doctor he saw for a second opinion recommended he take my mother and go golfing in Tahiti for as long as he felt well. Then, come back and they'd start treatment. He rejected that in favor of fighting.

He lived 6 months longer than the prognosis.

There must be better treatments so many years later that will offer help and comfort to your wife. Don't hesitate to seek out 2nd and 3rd opinions - and counseling for both of you. And, you will need to be your wife's advocate in every stage. Healthcare professionals are, for the most part, wonderful, but they also are overworked.

I wish you both the very best.

[live love laugh]

75. I'm so sorry and tho I have no advice I'll send up a prayer 🙏🏽 nt

[UpInArms]

76. I have no advice and can only offer up to you both all the

Love and concern of my heart

[OregonBlue]

77. What you are describing is horrendous. Makes me feel like my sometimes difficult life is

a bed of roses. My older sister lived with my parents when they were both reaching the end and all I can say is try really hard to take care of yourself. It is exhausting caring for truly sick people. Do reach out to social services and accept any help your medical providers refer you to. Take care and give your wife a huge hug from me and a big hug to you too.

[lagomorph777]

78. Our liver is way-oversized for emergencies like this.

Even if they have to cut much of it away, she can survive and re-grow it.

An excellent and proven liver healing support is called SAM-e; you can buy it over the counter.

[Skittles]

79. SkyDaddy7 just remember that someone is ALWAYS here on DU

any time if you need some support, talk to us, we are here