Life has left me disoriented of late. Big pieces of reality just keep shifting

[Tom Rinaldo]

Five years ago I was a guy who took politics more seriously than most, who was caught up in watching a presidential race take shape while I lived my life pretty much as I had for a decade. Trump pulled the rug out from everything for me, and news about the damage he was causing our nation dominated my psychic world, and seemed to do so more and more as each month went by. Then the Pandemic hit, and all of my normal routines suddenly changed and so many things that I always took for granted no longer were possible, including any assumption that I would still be alive thirty days hence.

Biden defeated Trump but everything stayed surreal, with Trump not conceding and plotting instead to stay in office, culminating in the insurrection last month and then his second impeachment etc. Meanwhile, as an older American I've been obsessed with trying to get an appointment for a Covid 19 vaccine shot, and that became a new daily drama. This last Thursday I finally got my first shot. On Saturday we managed to line up a vaccine appointment for my partner this coming Wednesday. Now we no longer have that to obsess over. There is still a pandemic but a light at the end of that tunnel is starting to become more real to me. Trump and his ilk are still a real menace to America, but the fact that Biden is our president and Democrats now control Congress is starting to become real to me also. But nothing, absolutely nothing, feels normal. Neither the normal that was my reality five years ago nor the "alternate" reality hell that marked every day under Trump for me either.

I am used to being absolutely glued to the news but now it no longer seems "to refresh" itself every four hours to justify that constant attention. It has all left me feeling kind of "up in the air". I don't know what my routines are anymore. Is it too soon to let out a deep breath? Do I still have to stay on constant guard for other shoes to drop? Will we ever really relax again?

[rgbecker]

1. I'm with you all the way.

Find a good book and bury yourself in it. In a few months things are going look very different.

[yellowdogintexas]

38. "Fall of Empires" on You Tube is great to use as a sleep inducer

Not because it isn't interesting, more because the narrator has such a nice voice

[yellowdogintexas]

39. Books! definitely for me and the more escapist the better.

Silly little detective series, anything set in South Florida or New Orleans; quirky plots or characters. Nothing that requires me to think too hard.

If you have an e-reader, subscribe to Book Bub or Robin Reads. You will get emails daily with offers of books. Most of them are $1.99 or less; I tend to stick to free and 99 cents. I have discovered some good authors and really fun series. The subscription is free by the way

[dawg day]

59. i just read Silas Marner for a book club meeting

George Eliot.
Kind of sweet, but with very acute observation of human behavior.
The main character is a quiet hermit-like man who gets shunned by his conservative "chapel" church in the 19th Century (puritannical), and subsides into a long depression until a child comes and changes his life.

It's like Dickens that way-- a mix of sentimental and cynical.

[reACTIONary]

40. Exactly! That's what I have done, and...

... what I was going to suggest.

[nolabear]

2. I think your state is a natural one to be in right now.

We’re sort of immigrants coming into a culture we feel unsure in. It’s shifted in ways we couldn’t have imagined, and I think it’s fine to watch and wait, act on what you can and give yourself permission not to know for a bit.

I don’t think things will ever be exactly the same, nor should they. Lots of things we’ve been able to ignore (unwisely) are going to require some interesting choices. Hope we make good ones, for our descendants’ sake.

[ZZenith]

3. I see you've been spending some time in my head.

Not quite sure what to do with myself.

Hope seems such an extravagant luxury.

[SoonerPride]

4. We are like abused spouses. We have PTSD. The abuser was trump

He damaged our psyches by keeping us in a constant destabilized state.

With him removed both from high office and Twitter he has been silenced.

Without having to live in fear and trauma what you are feeling is PTSD.

It is common for those having dealt with narcissistic Personality disorder.

You will heal and adjust to this new normal.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to mental health professionals or close friends.

PTSD is a sign you experienced trauma and should be taken seriously.

[2naSalit]

30. +1

[Evolve Dammit]

53. Agreed. Mental and physical health toll (depression, obesity, etc.) and a half million dead so far

[a kennedy]

5. I'm off ALL political shows.......now it's sports, golf, or tennis, fixer uppers & Flee market flip.

I just can’t watch political shows anymore.....not even Nicole AND Rachel. I’m just burned out. I come here for awhile to see stuff, but just can’t watch.

[yellowdogintexas]

41. I am still sticking to Stephanie Miller and listen to the podcasts

from her co horts.

I am watching political things less and less often.

[eleny]

57. The week is not complete without listening to Bob Cesca at least once

Btw, I'm so glad that Buzz Burbank is back and healthy.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. We all have such different reactions to our rapidly shape-shifting reality these days.

And I say that to illustrate that my reactions to this bewildering time are so very different than yours. It's not a matter of better or worse, but of how differently we react.

I've been married to the same man for 55 years, and we're both retired with secure incomes. Those facts right there give me a solid foundation to live on. It's something like gravity for me; nothing will change it.

Of course, there are many examples of such foundations that other people have, and they stay safe on them too. Maybe you have them too, but the outside world might buffet you so badly that you cannot see where to stand to be safe. Maybe it's hard for you to perceive them.

These are just rather random ideas I've had, and maybe they can help you. Find your lodestar, your safe place, your refuge, and wrap yourself in it. You might find that you feel better, that the ground won't shift beneath your feet as much.

I hope I've said something helpful.

[Tom Rinaldo]

20. All of the comments here are helpful, including yours

Seems reality seems off in varied ways for a lot of people right now, with good reasons for each of us. There are solid aspects of my personal world which I value greatly alongside of routines that have disolved. Objectively, reality has brightened a little since November. I'm not depressed, but I may have "motion sickness." Actually thinking about and then writing the OP helped me find some context for ill defined feelings. I can relate to what pretty much everyone has written in response.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

25. I'm glad, Tom! ♥

[cally]

7. That's exactly how I feel

I became way too obsessed with refreshing Twitter for the next crisis. On constant guard and now I actually feel totally relaxed at times. Almost boring without all the adrenaline rush. Still worried about covid and want a vaccine but I now know experts are in charge and doing the best they can.

Looking for my next project or volunteer opportunity now that I have so much more energy

[Warpy]

8. You are decompressing. We all are.

We've gotten used to a barrage of outrage every single day, coupled with the frustration of being stuck at home where we couldn't do a damned thing about it but maybe comment on it to people online we knew were safe.

It's going to take a while. I think by the time the end of March gets here, we're all going to be feeling a lot better. Days will be longer, the air will be warmer, and there will be more vaccine available. Get used to the masks, though, we're likely to need those through the fall, at least.

[BigmanPigman]

9. I have posted here over the last few weeks

how I have been feeling and I definitely noticed that I am no longer anxious when I turn on the news. I don't have to know where the remote control is so I can change the channel or mute the news whenever the fucking moron would pop up. I have acknowledged that I am not as tense, nervous, pissed off, etc. I watch the news now and smile. What a difference!!! I like what I am seeing and hearing but after 4 years of Hell I know it'll take a little longer to adjust to rational political leaders making sound decisions for the country as a whole.

[BelieveCassandra]

18. A few weeks ago I realized that I could listen to the radio in the car again

It seemed whenever I was listening some news item would replay something from Trump. I could
handle it if they just repeated what he said, but being trapped in a car hearing his voice made me
worry about becoming a road-rager. Much safer to just turn the radio off.

It is so nice to start going back to a normal world.

[BigmanPigman]

22. I only listen to music when I drive

and I know that if I heard his voice I would likely get into an accident since I wouldn't be focusing on driving. Even seeing a moron with tRump/GOP stickers on their vehicles would make my blood pressure rise. It really was that bad for me.

[yellowdogintexas]

43. I am so grateful for our classical station in Dallas! I listen to it in the car

The news/advertising is all local. The music is so relaxing and there are 45 minutes every hour commercial free. I find myself with Rhapsody in Blue or the Rach 2 as an earworm from time to time!

There is an app WRR 101.1

[FM123]

10. Yes, it is tough.

Even after Biden won (and I was thrilled beyond belief) part of me kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I am so much better now, I think it just takes time.

[Tbear]

11. Surreal Yes, as You Said:

"Biden defeated Trump but everything stayed surreal, with Trump not conceding and plotting instead to stay in office, culminating in the insurrection last month and then his second impeachment "
wow all that shit really happened

[LaMouffette]

12. I feel the same way. What bothers me greatly these days is this anger and distrust

I still feel toward the Republicans in my very red state. Not just the elected ones, but the Republican voters who elected them who are my neighbors. I feel a very, VERY teeny bit like what AOC felt when she was hiding from the mob at the Capitol and thought that her own colleagues, the Republican ones, might turn on her and give away her location to the rioters.

I honestly don't know how to move beyond these feelings. I feel like moving to a more blue locale, but at the same time, our state needs all the Democrats it can get.

[2naSalit]

32. +1

[Arkansas Granny]

13. I feel very much the same. For the past year, nothing has been the same. I live my life

through a covid filter. The pandemic has affected everything about my daily life. I've had my first shot, so I'm feeling more optimistic about myself. Hopefully my family will be vaccinated in the coming months so we can see each other again. This kind of isolation is not normal for us.

I am so relieved to have President Biden, but Trump's shenanigans have left me feeling a little unsettled. The insurrection and impeachment haven't helped. Trump does not intend to stay in the background and will continue to try to use his cult to disrupt any efforts to heal the nation, even while condemning Democrats for a lack of unity.

[Irish_Dem]

14. We have been traumatized many times over the past four years.

Our lives have been upended in so many ways. We face half a million deaths and more to come.
We have witnessed our country and democracy unravel in front of us. The rise of ruthless and corrupt
politicians and Americans who support them. All presented in ugly and despicable ways.

We are still in a state of shock and many are displaying PTSD symptoms.
That is the surreal feeling, that things at not real, or conversely things seem all too real and intense.

While Biden's election was good news, and will save many lives, we still don't quite believe it yet.
He is our single best hope of a return to some sort of normalcy.

But we cannot quite trust the future any more. Our sense of security and predictability is gone.
Our guard is up for a reason.

It is going to take some time, perhaps a lot of time for us to trust the future, our government, our leadership.

We just have to take it day by day.

I am taking some breaks from the TV news. I can read the news easier than I can watch it right now.
And I am reading fiction, watching movies, etc. Talking to friends and trying to do normal things.
I too just received my first Moderna shot and I noticed right away my bad Covid dreams decreased markedly.

Right now it appears we may return to some normalcy in the next year, and perhaps we can begin to relax.

[MustLoveBeagles]

15. These feelings are normal

This country has been through a lot upheaval in the last five years. I suggest talking with a counselor if you're not doing that already. I took that step and while my depression isn't totally gone I am feeling better.

[AnotherDreamWeaver]

16. I got my shot last Thursday too.

I wasn't looking for it or trying to make it happen. I'm a veteran so figured the VA would get around to calling me. But a member of the neighboring Fire Department called me and said shots would be given to those over 70 and if I wanted one she would put me on the list.

[GreenEyedLefty]

17. I am grudgingly grateful to Trump

I have learned so much.

I had started unpacking my white privilege before his presidency, but the last 4 years laid everything bare. So much that I learned as a kid was a lie, designed to reinforce white supremacy. I am sickened and ashamed at some of the thoughts and ideas I harbored and assumed were true.

I learned how fragile and precious our democracy is, how it needs to be cared for and nurtured, and how easily it can be lost. Nothing can be taken for granted.

I also learned to trust my own eyes and ears.

[Tom Rinaldo]

33. Point taken about lessons learned. I should have noted above that I'm among the relatively lucky

I'm white for one thing so I have privilege I didn't ask for and in no way "earned", it just came with my DNA. I'm not well off but I own my home, have Social Security income and a small, relatively Covid safe, part time job, so I'm not at the brink of fiscal ruin either. I live in a solidly Blue State where democracy stills seems respected, etc. If my sense of security has in some ways been threatened, it has been so much worse for so many others.

[Pepsidog]

19. I feel the same way. It would help if broadcast news channels would stop giving air to Republican

liars and traitors.

[SammyWinstonJack]

31. That's not going to happen 😕

[TigressDem]

21. Yeah. I hear yah.

When I watched Biden's Inauguration, I was surprised that I agreed with something bUsh said. Well, he was quoting Jesus basically, that if we would treat others as we'd like to be treated, there would be less problems in the world.

I've been watching cat rescues lately, so I can go through pain and then release.

The fact that so many (my son included) believe OANN is the REAL NEWS makes me sick to my stomach. These people won't listen to reason.


Randy Rainbow helps too.

My job is considered "essential" so I go to work and have since this started.


I still feel stuck in my house and like my world is smaller than before. Watching Tiny House shows because maybe I should downsize on purpose.

[housecat]

50. watching cat rescues...wow...me too.

[Crunchy Frog]

56. Yes. I'm still self comforting by bingeing Randy Rainbow videos.

T**** still feels very threatening to me.

[yardwork]

23. I understand and feel much the same.

I've been working from home for almost 12 months now, and sometimes days go by when I haven't left the house. I'm grateful to be able to work from home, and I realize how lucky I am. But it's surreal. This is all surreal.

People attacking the Capitol, trying to kill all our Democratic elected officials. Believing all kinds of crazy things, lizard people, death rays from space.

People with $16,000 electric bills because something about Texas no regulation, no safety net? No building codes? People dying of hypothermia in their homes in Houston. Ceilings crashing in, fountains of water.

I lived during the 60s but nothing prepared us for this. What next.

[lunatica]

24. Thanks for this

It helps me realize I’m not alone in how I feel. Without the stress of expecting the worst at every moment I find my mind is wandering more. My concentration has relaxed a lot. I guess it isn’t normal to be hyperaware for 4 years! I don’t have to worry that things that threaten us are happening at every moment. We will all adjust.

I keep trying to remember that all the small day to day strife in Washington won’t be remembered by us in the future. The big actions, like Biden becoming President will be what history remembers.

At my age I was beginning to worry that I was losing my brain function. Your OP makes me feel better though.

[Tom Rinaldo]

35. We clearly are not alone...

[cachukis]

26. The OP lays it out. The responses are the top 20.

Nice to read that empathy. Hope in every poster. The growing up never stops. How do you talk to the grandkids if you stop? There is little guidance beyond experience; yours and what you saw before you got here. Talking/sharing is the glue of evolution. I'd say, enjoy this thread as a great exhale, better prepared for the next inhales.

[BarbD]

27. Am still adjusting...when I hear the word "President"

It's Biden! Biden!! Biden!!!

Guess it will take awhile.

[yellowdogintexas]

46. and I still smile and have a nice warm feeling when I hear or say "President Biden"

I love how Stephanie Miller keeps repeating that and emphasizing it!!

That show has kept me from losing my mind.

That and the fact that my hubby is a good Democrat too

[Viz]

28. Your post was most interesting to read....

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on how the world in commotion has affected you
as we went from Trump/COVID crisis to a more hopeful Biden and Democratic Party of
competence in governing- refreshing!

I totally understand you moderating your need to constantly watch the news and politics as I
am finding myself doing the exact same moderation. I truly believe this is much healthier
way to live. Our world is now in mass transformation mode and we are on the front lines of
this demolition. We are going through a major remodel while living on the premises.
Not an easy way to live but knowing that when the demolition and reconstruction are
completed we will be in a much better world. The future is not today set in stone...
we contribute to that final outcome by the way we treat ourselves and others, and
focusing on the world we want to live. YES WE CAN!

[Bucky]

29. You're coming out of a trauma

The best cure is to get involved in life. Not necessarily in politics. Find something fun and life affirming, an outdoor activity, a hobby, an art project, a community volunteer opportunity. Or even do something political, but with a social component: volunteer at the county office, join a phone bank, organize a movie night with friends.

The best way to be a good Democrat right now is to be a Democrat with a recharged battery. You'll be needed in the fall when the bullshit starts getting real again.

[yellowdogintexas]

52. About 2 years ago I took up crochet again after 40 years

I have found it quite relaxing. Learning new stitches and patterns is challenging.

I am going to need to recharge for our local elections coming up in May

[KatK]

34. This hits home for me. Appreciate your share and all the comments. Feel less alone. n/t

[yellowdogintexas]

36. I have been wondering if I will ever watch news again without some measure of anxiety

over what shenanigans the Rs will get up to.

Truly I have no idea of what normal is for me any more, either.

[MOMFUDSKI]

37. The trump circus has left town.

And it reminds me a lot of the OJ Trial days. The whole country was glued to TV/Radio for months and months. Then it was over. I remember there being talk of many depressed people not because of the verdict but because the 'entertainment' was gone. Same scenario with the 4-year trump circus. So now the news seems a bit mundane. We are all coming down from a hyper time and it will take some getting used-to. Life will go on just as it did post OJ. Relish that Biden is President and there is calm. New ways to be entertained will show themselves. Enjoy being able to breathe again.

[calimary]

42. Yeah, totally get that.

And then they threw a pandemic at us, on top of everything else, AND snow and a prolonged, crippling ice storm, and, well ... you know.

[housecat]

44. A lot of us feel that way, because it never lets up. It's been four torturous years

without a break. But it isn't just the trumpies causing this mental pain. It's covid, climate change, California burning, Texas freezing, Q-whatever. We haven't had a chance to process the evil trump made us endure, and we now have new stuff to deal with. I've been at home for an entire year, and I feel no creativity -- can't write or paint, or make something. I have a broken tooth from last February, and I won't see a dentist. Now that is nuts. I'm rambling sorry.

[Tom Rinaldo]

45. It's the rambling that made your post coherent

There is no linear way of describing what we have been going through.

[housecat]

48. DU has made a difference.

Good people with lifetimes of experience and stories and willingness to share. People I feel I can trust.

[MASW]

47. I understand, Tom.

It seems like the pre-Trump past was just a dream--and it seems like the person I was, pre-Trump, has disappeared. The past four years were so traumatic. Trump abused everything and everyone. I felt anxious and angry all the time. I, too, check the news constantly...and I'd like to stop. I have found that if I read a good book, or occupy myself with something positive, I can feel much more relaxed. But I also feel that something truly awful has been unleashed in the new TrumpGOP, and I'm really worried. It's a depressing time. I don't know if America will recover.

[housecat]

49. "something truly awful has been unleashed." Yes, that's it.

[Tom Rinaldo]

51. I'm thinking a lot more about American history of late. The real three dimensional history...

not the largely air brushed version I picked up in public school. Periodically we are engulfed in great struggles, I'm old enough to have lived through some but I wasn't around for the Red Scare ((as an adult), or the Great Depression,or the suffrage movement, or the birth of the Labor movement in America, or the Civil War, etc etc. And I can't help but think of the name of an excellent novel I read years back: "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden." I think America will ultimately come through this, but I admit that the Obama years may have lulled me into a false short term sense of security.

[Tom Rinaldo]

54. So many excellent replies, so much common ground, helpful perspectives and useful suggestions

This is such a great community.

[harumph]

55. I'll tell you where I'm at:

I now fully comprehend now that there (really) isn't any justice to speak of for the rich and protected. In my mind the old
saying that "The wheels of justice grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine..." still knocks about. But I know "Justice delayed is justice denied." Of course the useful idiots that stormed the capital will get some jail time - but the planners and enablers like Rebekah Mercer, Trump, Hawley, Stone, etc., won't.
Another thing I realized is how racist and denialist white America is - and that's all over the country, not just the south.
My fellow citizens seem generally incurious and eagerly seek to have their own biases amplified. People idolize the rich and don't seem to know or care how to act collectively. This culture is sick; morally sick; ethically sick. Many parents are not preparing their children to face the realities of climate change and conflict. I hope for a more complete repudiation of Trumpism in 2022. Not holding my breath.

[Initech]

58. I will have to say that social media is so much better since Trump got banned!

[Blue_true]

60. You aren't alone.

I am normally an intensely focused person. But there are days now when I lack energy. Things feel ok and going fine, but after watching a person like Trump get elected, I now find myself needing concrete assurances, that is very unlike me, I have historically believe that I can figure out anything that I need to figure out, I no longer have that level of confidence or confidence in many of the people that I interact with.

[CommonHumanity]

61. Your line: Trump and his ilk are still a real menace to America hit home for me

Thank you for taking the time to share your recent reality in such a clear and thoughtful way.

Just managing the summary of your mental state and the conditions related to it seems like a triumph to me. My thoughts and anxiety have been similar but I am not sure I could have written the kind of cogent comprehensive take on the whole picture that you provided. Because my thoughts are similar, you've done some of the work for me, so double thanks for that.

Your words "Trump and his ilk are still a real menace" really struck me and gave words to my ongoing sense of pessimism. My sense of pessimism does not mean I have given up hope. In fact, my hope is that acknowledging this feeling will help me integrate it into a bigger understanding, move on and renew my hope and fortitude. Though I can get pretty discouraged about my own personal dramas, I believe in and have always encouraged hope in the political arena. I truly believe we should act regardless of the outcome and that acting is an affirmation of life and values and is its own reward. I also believe that our acts are a drop in a collective bucket and we have no way of knowing when that bucket will fill and turn the tide. It has always heartened me to know that although the timing of change is not assured, every drop in the bucket counts. All that said, I find myself feeling more overwhelmed and frightened than in times past.

On one hand, as someone on leftward side of American progressive thought, I should be thrilled. Biden has moved in a more progressive direction than I ever imagined possible. On the other hand, the forces against equality, economic justice, and the protection of life on earth have never looked more formidable to me. I've now seen stark evidence that the Republicans and associated powers are ready and willing to do away with our democracy. Yes, our democracy has always been flawed in myriad ways, but I naively imagined we had more time to work towards moving it forward. To struggle and advance in fits and starts.

My anxiety/fear/current pessimism stems from the fact that there is a large contingent of people with money and power who would gladly see a Republican autocracy. It is scary. They have so much money and power and such devious amoral tricks and strategies and the stakes, namely life on earth, have never been higher. I do not believe public opinion is in their favor, but I also know they have no respect for the popular will and will go to any lengths to steal elections. The last factor is perhaps what scares me the most.

As mentioned, I do not want to be defeated by this, but I do want to name it and acknowledge it. I am sure others share the same feelings. I am mentally shell-shocked and scared by what I have seen. This for me is part of the ongoing unreality and why I have not bounced back following Biden's win. Another factor impeding my bounce back is the fact that I have just witnessed a (fake) president do nothing to even cooperate in stopping a pandemic that has left half a million of us dead. If Trump won, he and his criminal enablers would have continued in the same vein without remorse. Just as they left congresspeople and workers for dead on 1/6, they would blithely leave ever more U.S. citizens for dead. I know that through the decades our nation's policies have left the people of many nations and races for dead. I guess the policies and imperatives of unbridled capitalism and empire have just really come home to roost this time and I am seeing it in stark relief.

[cachukis]

62. Odd.

[harumph]

63. excellent post - and factual

In the US, there is a group of very rich people that continuously funds crap organizations like the oath keepers and others. They
feed extremist thinktanks and try to normalize and imbed their sociopathic ideology in the public at large. It's a trip waking up
to the understanding that my views are not only undesirable to a non-trivial portion of my fellow Americans, but that they
wouldn't bat an eye if I were disappeared.

[Tom Rinaldo]

67. In a way I was only able to write what I did by staying vague

"Up in the air" is about as precise as I can be, because so much seems off, ranging from the profound to the mundane, and we all have our own individual examples of that. My feelings are far less acute now than they were in the run off to the November election, for example, when the possibility of four more years of Trump as president still loomed large. And though the pandemic worsened over the course of a year, the lifestyle changes hit harder for me early on. Now Biden is president and I've received my first Covid-19 vaccine shot, Things should be moving back toward normal in my personal world but it feels like the bridge there back burned a long time ago, and I can't quite recognize where it is that I'm now stranded instead. I have to learn how to start monitoring day to day shifts in political reality a little less, and using the time I have a little more productively instead, in realms that extend beyond politics.

As to the state of politics in America, it feels like we dodged a bullet with Biden defeating Trump. We safely dived into a trench, but a gunman is still out there. Matters have been building toward this inflection point for decades. Resistance to all you express alarm over has been growing steadily in recent years. I am sobered by what we are up against but guardedly optimistic that we have the strength and resolve to prevail over it.

[CommonHumanity]

68. more apt words-thanks

I like the way you express yourself. "We safely dived into a trench, but a gunman is still out there" is the PERFECT metaphor. I hereby shamelessly admit that I will be borrowing it!

[lunatica]

64. Kick

[PittBlue&Gold]

65. I feel exactly as you do....

I have not felt a moment of peace for over 5 years. This Republican party is scary as hell and we are surrounded here in SW PA by trump's cultists. This country will never fully recover from the damage trump and company inflicted on us.

[kpete]

66. I relate to your dilemma

The only "normal" for me is when i put down the computer and go out for a walk or a bike ride.