Trump's Taxes Reveal He Claimed Ted Cruz as Dependent

[Rhiannon12866]

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In the first major bombshell to emerge from the handover of Donald J. Trump’s tax returns, the Manhattan district attorney has announced that the former President claimed Senator Ted Cruz as a dependent.

Speaking to reporters, Cyrus Vance, Jr., said that listing the Texas senator as a dependent was “highly unorthodox, to say the least.”

“For this deduction to be allowed, we would certainly need some documentation proving that Mr. Trump had adopted Mr. Cruz, or something to that effect,” Vance added.

From his home in Palm Beach, Trump issued a terse rebuttal to Vance’s statement. “Ted Cruz is my little baby, and everyone knows it,” Trump said.

The tax imbroglio turned a spotlight on Cruz, who was suddenly under pressure to clarify his legal relationship with the ex-President.

“If it turns out that I am, in fact, Donald Trump’s little baby, that will be the greatest honor of my life,” Cruz told reporters.


Short article, no more at link: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trumps-taxes-reveal-he-claimed-ted-cruz-as-dependent


Photograph by Saul Loeb / Getty

[bottomofthehill]

1. What about Lindsey Graham.

[LastLiberal in PalmSprings]

3. Lindsey is claimed as a lap dog.

[11 Bravo]

15. Pets fall under a different category.

[napi21]

2. HAAA! I wonder how many other people he claimed as a dependent? IMO, ass kisser doesn't

qualify.

[Martin68]

4. LOL! Who's your Daddy?

[sandensea]

5. "Wait a minute - your real name's Rafael!?"

"Security!!!"

[Under The Radar]

6. The dependent claim is perfectly clear. Ted has Trump's DNA all over his face.

[AverageOldGuy]

7. Just wait - - -

The Manhattan DA just received over 1,000,000 pages of documents.

As the lawyers and forensic accountants plow through the documents, don't be surprised if Borowitz comes true . . .

[jmowreader]

8. The sad part is he would do that

From the tax returns we've already seen, Trump fully deducted his haircuts and Ivanka's makeup as business expenses from the time when they were making The Apprentice. Neither one is legally fully deductible because those are "dual use" items, and even people who are on television every day are advised not to try deducting hair services, clothing, shoes, jewelry and cosmetics because the IRS routinely disallows those deductions.

[Rhiannon12866]

9. I have Mary Trump's book - on audio, listened to it in my car

And one thing that stuck with me was she said that the 4 remaining Trump siblings who inherited from their father would do just about anything to avoid paying taxes. And she also talked about an NYT article that she helped with - she obtained documents for them - that revealed the illegal financial shenanigans that the Trumps have been involved in for years. It's long past time that Trump's cheating and illegal activities caught up with him. So much for the party of "Honest Abe" that he likes to boast about...

[jmowreader]

10. The only Trump who ever turned out decent was John

John Trump stayed out of the family racket completely. Instead, he became an electrical engineer and was considered one of the top men in America. His specialty was X-rays, radar, microwave communications...basically, anything that put out extremely high frequency energy and used very high voltages. He invented the process of electron beam sterilization. Needless to say, the Fred Trump clan didn't like John at all, and John felt the same way about them.

After Nikola Tesla died, the government brought John Trump in to examine his effects. After three days he came back with his report: "there's nothing here that would actually work."

[Hortensis]

11. You caught me last time, Rhiannon, but not this one.

[Nexus2]

12. The pitiful thing about these humor posts is that you can't always tell they're joke right away.[nt]

[ProfessorGAC]

14. Definitely!

One actually has to read the byline to tell if it's real or satire.
Fortunately, Andy B is very consistent.

[LetMyPeopleVote]

13. I love good satire

[dalton99a]

16. Lying Ted, adopted son of Lying Donald

[TheBlackAdder]

17. I thought Ted & Lindsey were medical deductions, as therapeutic suppositories.

.

There we go, Trump claiming the same thing as multiple deductions.

.