How do you deal with relatives who refuse to get the COVID vaccine because they bought the lies?

[Neurotica]

My husband was on the phone tonight with his 80-year-old mother, an OAN fan and Trump supporter. She made my husband the wonderful person he is but somehow turned into a grievance-filled conspiracy theorist in her older years. Like so many others. Anyway, when asked if she had registered to get the vaccine, she responded: “I don’t believe in all that COVID crap.” My husband begged her to get the vaccine — for him if for no other reason — but couldn’t get off the phone fast enough and doesn’t want to talk about it — says it’s no use. How do we deal with this going forward? And what about future visits? Luckily, our children are grown, but still.

[CurtEastPoint]

1. Assuming she's mentally OK, she's made her decision. Let it go. Selfish woman.

[Neurotica]

3. I know. That bothers me so much.

So irresponsible.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

2. My personal take would be to politely decline visiting her if she's not vaccinated.

Of course, she might choose to lie to you about a vaccination, but more likely, she won't. She'll stick to the “I don’t believe in all that COVID crap” line. Which will be useful to you.

I am fortunate in that pretty much everyone I know or am related to plans to get the vaccine. Our only issue is when any of us finally get it.

[Neurotica]

5. That's one of the things I'm wondering about.

We really have to travel by plane to see her, which takes planning even in normal times. I don’t know that I feel comfortable making plans like that if she refuses to get vaccinated. Just because. And my brother-in-law is taking the same position, I’m sure.

She’s 80. My husband loves her regardless. As do our kids (her grandchildren). It’s just hard on every level.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

19. The need to travel by plane in normal times, in my opinion, makes it a bit

simpler. You can explain why you can't visit her.

On the other hand. If all of you are vaccinated, when all of you are vaccinated, you can then visit her feeling safe.

I hope this helps.

I recognize that I am very fortunate in that all of my close relatives and friends are on the same page with me in these trying times.

[Neurotica]

29. Agreed. And I'm hoping that we can use the travel planning aspect as a hook.

She knows how we feel about this. And her older grandson may have had covid last spring -- does she not remember what he went through?! I don't think she'll be surprised if we put a condition on travel. Also, I lost my brother to a terrible cancer a year-and-a-half ago -- and I'm not going to risk getting a disease that could affect my other family members. Hopefully she'll think about that too.

I'm fortunate also in that my side of the family wants the vaccine, as do my friends. It's more a matter of "how soon" not "whether."

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

38. Oh, yes.

I have personally been barely touched by covid. A good friend died from it back last April, and I honestly don't think anyone else I know has succumbed. A number of friends or relatives have gotten it, and with one exception, they've all gotten better. The exception is a man who has become one of the long termers.

I am patiently awaiting the vaccine. I'm a bit irritated that others who are younger and have no other pre-existing conditions have gotten the vaccine while I am still waiting to hear from the state board of health. Sigh. On the other hand, perhaps I'll wind up with the one-shot Johnson & Johnson vaccine. Lucky me?

[Klaralven]

40. It will be safe to travel and visit only when new cases drops to almost none.

Since the vaccines are not 100% effective (particularly against the new variants), none are safe until everyone is safe.

Everyone is safe when the number of new cases drops to zero because the each infected person will infect, on average, less than one additional person, causing the virus to die out. The vaccines are effective enough to make this happen even if not everyone is vaccinated.

But nothing is for sure until the actual results of vaccination are reflected in the new cases per day numbers.

[Neurotica]

41. Yeah - we're not planning on traveling anytime soon.

Just thinking forward to hopefully better times soon.

[orleans]

20. ask her to imagine how the grandkids are going to feel

if she catches covid & dies, knowing nana had more allegiance to trump & his lies than she did to her grandkids and trying to stay safe. she'd rather get covid & die than spend more time with the grandkids.

i don't know--twist it up like that and see what comes out of it since she's being such an asshole to begin with.

[Mariana]

28. Attempting to manipulate her via guilt-trip is very unlikely to work. nt.

[orleans]

45. yeah, you're right. so why bother even trying

[Mariana]

48. It would be better to try something less obviously manipulative. nt.

[MLAA]

8. That would be my approach. No visits only phone calls.

[torius]

4. If she sees others

and could get infected from them, I think you all just have to avoid being around her until the pandemic truly ends, which could be a while and just visit with her via video or phone calls. Her decision has consequences--she loses physical access to her loved ones.

[Neurotica]

7. That just makes me so sad.

But you’re right. I’m not sure how we’ll negotiate this. Her grandchildren are going to be quite upset — maybe they can try to talk to her.

[torius]

11. Well after all of you are vaccinated

and she still isn't, then you could maybe see her with masks and distancing. But even, then she could infect you and you could spread it. But even if she is vaccinated, that's also the case, unless you or she get a vaccine that stops one from spreading it (some may). So you still need to take precautions no matter what, at least until there's herd immunity.

If she won't get it for her physical health, maybe she will do it for her emotional health. Maybe stage some kind of family intervention (on a video call), making sure she knows you care about her, and just saying this is how it is. That the virus (you can say "or whatever it is that has killed 500,000 people in a year&quot is very dangerous for people her age and you want her to be safe.

My mother is in her 90s and a Fox News watcher and Trump supporter, but luckily she's glad to get the vaccine.

Good luck to you.

[Neurotica]

12. Thank you -- those are good points and ideas

I’m glad your mom is getting vaccinated. My mom got her second shot a few weeks ago. I’m so grateful.

[torius]

14. Thank you.

Glad to hear that about your mom too!

[orleans]

23. here's something else you can point out to your mother in law

i know a couple, late seventies, that were mask careless and probably social distancing careless.
they both got covid.
she had a stroke -- the doctors said it was covid related since she had no pre conditions that would precipitate a stroke--except for covid
long story short: he died and she has memory loss, confusion, hallucinations (including going out and wandering late at night in the freezing weather), and her kids are trying to find an assisted living facility for her b/c she really can't live alone anymore

[Neurotica]

30. That's incredibly sad. I'm so sorry.

All the ripple effects too, and the grief, stress, and hardship for the family members.

[orleans]

46. yes. and vaccines would have made all the difference--for that couple

and their family
(she's my daughter's mother-in-law)

[dhol82]

6. My reply would be to make sure she has her will written and notarized.

Ask her if she knows which children get which of her valuables.
Just be matter of fact about it. On the phone.

[Neurotica]

9. That's brutal -- but sadly realistic.

I’m not sure I could do it. I was already unfriended on FB by my BIL last spring when I told him the pandemic wouldn’t end until we had a vaccine. He said I was a Debbie downer. He lives with my MIL. And has no health insurance...

[dhol82]

10. I am sorry for it, but believe in reality.

Not sure it would make any difference but it’s definitely something they need to hear.
Especially for someone without insurance.

[Skittles]

15. don't deal with them

tell them you find their selfishness deplorable and drop them

[bamagal62]

16. Refuse to visit them is the only advice I've got.

[spooky3]

17. If you can contact her doctor and ask him/her to discuss

the vaccine with her, that could help. It made a big difference with a Fox viewing elderly relative of mine.

[Neurotica]

31. A few months ago she had said her doctor's office would probably sign her up.

And she seemed ok with that at that particular time.

Somehow we've regressed.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is a way we can accomplish this since I don't think we know her doctor's name. But I'll ask my husband to make sure.

Glad that helped your relative.

[spooky3]

36. I hope you can get the name. One of the features of

Trump nuttiness is that his base is authoritarian. In my relative’s case, he sees his doctor as an authority and does what the doctor advises—pretty happily.

[Neurotica]

37. That's a great perspective.

In previous health-related conversations, my MIL has seemed to view her doctors in the same way. Very unquestioning. Hmmm...

[ChubbyStar]

21. This should last for less than 2 minutes n/t

[DesertRat]

24. Your wish is granted

[ChubbyStar]

25. Grazie Mille!

[DesertRat]

26. ...

[ornotna]

22. How sad

You signed up for this!

[DBoon]

32. Do you have a relative who is an alcoholic/drug addict and refuses to admit it?

Similar situation I imagine. You know they are killing themselves but refuse to admit it. How do you proceed?

[Neurotica]

33. Exactly. I want to reach out, but I don't think it would go over well. n/t

[DBoon]

34. Maybe check out support groups for relatives of alcoholics/drug addicts and see what they say

It looks very similar - a self-destructive behavior that the person refuses to see.

[roamer65]

42. You stop all contact with them.

These people need to be ostracized.

They are literally practicing biological warfare against the rest of us.

[Iggo]

43. Remotely.

Let's put it this way: If you won't wear a seat belt, you're out of the car.

[Texasgal]

44. My brother is a school teacher

He just revealed to us that he's waiting to take his after "more information" WTF? He leans Liberal and is not caught up in the Q shit... I just don't get it!

[Ms. Toad]

47. I wouldn't bother trying to convince her.

It likely won't be successful - and will just further strain family relationships.

I would set limits, though:

We will only come visit you (or allow you in our home) if you properly wear a mask, limit your visit to 2 hours unless it is outdoors, stay (or you stay stay) in a hotel, maintain 6' social distancing (no hugs).

It probably won't convince her - but it will allow visits that keep you safe.

At least it is only your mother-in-law. My spouse can't keep her mask on with friends and relatives so I'm masking in the house 24/7 and sleeping separately. Fortunately, she loves vaccine (she follows doctors' orders and gets the flu vaccine every year (I don't). 3 more weeks until she is protected as much as she is going to be protected by the Moderna vaccine and it is unlikely that her poor health practices will put me at risk for COVID.