May and September Romances Generally Don't Work

[MineralMan]

This has nothing to do with Andrew Cuomo, but is illustrative of the perils of relationships when there is a sizable difference in age.

When I was about 40 years old, I played oboe in a woodwind quintet that performed at weddings, concerts and other events. Our French horn player was a woman about 25 years old. The group rehearsed together once a week, to keep ourselves on top of our game and to add new music to our repertoire.

Little by little, that young woman and I started flirting with each other. All five of us were very good friends, since playing music together tends to create strong friendships, especially if you are meeting frequently. The attraction between myself and the horn player was mutual. At some point, it became clear that the flirting could easily become more than that. Clearly. That was a very tempting thing.

Finally, we got together to talk about what was going on and where it seemed to be headed, at my suggestion. In the end, we decided that it probably wasn't a great idea to take the next step. Too much age difference and too much chance that it would affect the group dynamic that had developed over a number of year with the quintet. So, we decided to tone down the flirting and maintain our solid friendship. It was not an easy decision for either of us, but it was the right decision.

We are still friends. She got married, had a couple of kids, and moved away to another place. The quintet became a quartet, and continued playing together and having weekly rehearsals.

Sometimes, you have to look at what is possible and compare it to what is sensible. Most often, when it comes to relationships, the sensible choice will work out better in the long run. Not everything that is desirable will have a good outcome.

What I learned from that was that it is better not to take flirting too far. It can make things difficult.

[luvs2sing]

1. Still remember being 21..

and fixed up on a blind double date with a friend of a co-worker and her fiancé. He was 48. He had a kid my age. We went to dinner, then went to see The Deer Hunter, then back to my co-worker’s apartment.

There was drinking, and I felt a little awkward and decided to go home. My date walked me to my car and, as we walked, he told me he hoped he didn’t disappoint me and that he liked me very much, but he had kids my age and felt uncomfortable. I told him I felt the same, that he was close to my father’s age. We hugged. He kissed me on the cheek as a friend would do. It was the start of a very nice, strictly platonic friendship that ended with his sudden death ten years later.

[MineralMan]

2. Talking things over is good.

That has always been my opinion. People get attracted to each other all the time. That's fine. Some mild level of flirting, too, is fine, and is a boost to both parties' self-esteem. Before it goes beyond that, though, a conversation between the two people is always a good idea. Sexual relationships almost always involve more than just sex for one or both of the people.

For most people, there is no such thing as casual sex. It always ends up being more complicated than that.

I told one story, but I could tell others that are similar. Being attracted to each other is no assurance that a more involved relationship is a good idea, it seems to me.

[Beringia]

3. This sounds pretty pristine to me

What about the Capulets and the Montagues. What about the Spike Lee movie Jungle Fever where the woman felt genuine affection for the man, and he cut it off because it was too much trouble. Also you don't mention May feminine gender and September masculine gender. How about marrying a man who has no money when your parents do have money, and warn the daughter not to marry him, because he is too poor. You didn't want to jeopardize the harmony of a band? Kind of scratching my head here.

I also had a "little talk" with the boss in a workplace. Not just a higher up person, but the chairman of a department. He seemed a little bit out of his mind the way he kept stalking me, so I went to his office and said please stop stalking me. Thankfully he got the message, but I am pretty sure he soured on me after that. I didn't even think that he thought there was a chance of us having a fling, I thought maybe he was a throwback to some previous mentality of men, like from the Scottish Clans of the 1300s or whatever.

(Droit du seigneur[a] ('lord's right'), also known as jus primae noctis ('right of the first night'), was a supposed legal right in medieval Europe, allowing feudal lords to have sexual relations with subordinate women, in particular, on their wedding nights.)

[JI7]

4. What if people aren't looking for something long term ?

[MineralMan]

5. That's a good question.

And, that's the reason to have the conversation before, rather than after, getting more involved.

The other thing is that there is often a mismatch in what people are "looking for." If one of the people just wants to engage in some recreational sex, while the other is thinking beyond that, there will be trouble soon, almost certainly, and that's not an uncommon situation.

Recreational sex is fine. I have no problem at all with it. However, it's very important that both people just want that. That's not always clear, really.

Talk it over before getting seriously started. That's my advice.

[left-of-center2012]

6. Emphasis on 'generally'

I have an older brother whose wife is 14 years younger than he is.
They've been married 45 years.

She now has early stages of Alzheimer's and he is her caregiver.

[MineralMan]

7. Yeah. That's why I used that word.

My wife is 11 years younger than me. We had the conversation, too, and decided to go ahead. That was 28 years ago.

[mnhtnbb]

8. And on the other hand, I have friends who are 20 years apart in age

who have been married for more than 30 years. She was his surgical nurse, divorced with two young children, and he a widowed general surgeon, when working together turned to romance. He's now in his upper 80's and she's about to turn 65. Both retired for many years.

So, flirting can turn into a long term relationship that works out perfectly well.

[DFW]

9. I just say never say never.

There are generalizations that are often true, but never always true. One household of our neighbors just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. He is 80, and she is 65. It happens.

Of course, then there's the story of my wife and myself. We met 47 years ago, when we were both 22. That happens, too. Both cases end often enough in divorce. There are no rules that always apply.

[greenjar_01]

10. Oh good Lord somebody send MM a contract assignment so he can write something else

[MineralMan]

11. Nice... You want to hire me?

[greenjar_01]

12. Only if the technical prose is slightly less cringe

[MineralMan]

13. Maybe you meant cringeworthy.

Cringe is a verb. See why writers are important?

There is no requirement that you read what I write, you know?

[greenjar_01]

14. Language changes, MM

As you well know.