Should people get married at 20?

[Garion_55]

i knew someone when they were 16. smart. charismatic. studying acting. getting bit parts in actual tv stuff. (they lived 3 hours from hollywood and had a parent trying to break them in)

I figured for SURE that person was going to have some kind of career acting. maybe one day settle down with someone in the business rich or famous. someone i could one day beg for a job lol

fast forward 20 years.

i found out that they quit acting and got married at 20 which i thought strange knowing what i did about them when they were 16. they then quickly had two kids. the person they married being the only partner theyve ever known.

married with kids around the age they would be in college, when i thought they would be making tv shows, movies, earning cash.

but ok.

ive seen recent pictures of this person with the two kids and the spouse and unless im wrong, neither of the parents look happy. they are never cuddling, gazing into each others eyes, kids in tow. i know blissfully happy married people in pictures and they aint it.

when they are in the pictures together there is always a distance. one with the kids, the other backed off.

married at 20 and maybe miserable at 37?

i actually think they got married early because thats what their parents wanted them to do. just speculation though. both parents have passed on though.

they are looking at maybe another 20? 30? years married? and if they really arent happy, what do they do? what if they wanted the acting career and were forced into this marriage?

if thats the case, and i really dont know either way, but i would feel bad for the spouse and the kids if my friend at this point really just doesnt want to be there. maybe wants to try to go back to acting before they are too old to gets roles.

either way.

is 20 too early? considering you might spend the next 60 years with this person? of are you cool with that?

[jimfields33]

1. We cannot control what people do after 18

I know we do with alcohol which I’m not sure causes more alcohol problems. I know people who marry at 30 and are super miserable at 50.

[BlueTsunami2018]

2. Some should, some shouldn't.

That whole “Til death do us part thing” was invented when most people didn’t live past forty. A lot of people waste their lives stuck with a person they’ve been sick of five years after they got together because they have kids or whatever. Some people are just as happy together fifty years later.

There’s no right answer.

[obamanut2012]

7. Most people lived quite a bit past 40

Many lived into their 60s, 70s, and 80s. Infant and young children's deaths are figured into that "the oldies died at 30!" narrative.

[former9thward]

33. There was never a time in recorded history when most people didn't live past 40.

1000 years ago, 2000 years ago if someone made it too adulthood they could reasonably expect to live to 70. Even in the Bible, written thousands of years ago, it gives the natural lifespan at 70 and if you had a strong body then 80. (Psalm 90:10)

The statistics you see of an average lifespan of 40 or something is very misleading because they include all of the infant deaths (which used to be very high) and all the childhood disease deaths (which used to be very high). Our average lifespan has increased because modern medicine has eliminated so much of the child deaths. But it really has not increased much at all on the other end.

[soothsayer]

3. The Romans considered you a juvenile until age 28

(Astrology does, too, until your first chance at adulthood when Saturn returns to where it was on your birthday, in its 28-30 year orbit). Most people have a significant event around that age. It’s kind of when the world goes from being black and white and there’s clarity, to shades of gray and uncertainty.

So maybe it’s risky to marry before that — but maybe not if you’re both young — but I do think it’s completely risky to marry someone younger than that if you’re older than that — or vice versa — because things are likely to change at the Saturn return.

[Silent3]

17. I don't know that I consider the Romans to be a great source of living advice.

And I definitely don't think astrology has one single useful thing to say unless, by chance alone, totally unrelated to planetary positions, to just happens to be repeating something is good advice regardless.

[DenaliDemocrat]

29. The Romans are responsible for the entire Western culture

Their colonialism was kinder and gentler than the British track record

[Walleye]

4. I got married at 20. It was a mistake. Divorced at 27

[Rorey]

9. I got married at 19

To a fine person, but we were both too young and it didn't last long. I just didn't have the maturity to realize that everything isn't going to be a bed of roses all of the time, and also I just didn't know enough about life in general.

Then I got married again at 27. In that relationship I learned that there will be peaks and valleys, and that if you want the really good stuff, you have to ride through the not-so-good stuff. In that relationship I learned what it felt like to be truly loved. He died when I we were both 38, and I was devastated.

I got married again at 45 after a five year relationship. Now THAT was the wrong one. I got involved with that one WAY too soon after my second husband died, and I'm sure it was because I so desperately missed him. Things were okay in the beginning, but never really quite right. I took what I had learned from my second marriage and rode it out through the valleys, but then the valleys became deeper and longer, and finally there really weren't any peaks.

In retrospect, I realize that I had been trying to recreate the feelings that I had in my second marriage, but they were never going to happen.

So that finally ended when he turned into a repuke and voted for trump, and then had an affair. I'm thankful every day that he was finally awful enough for me to let that marriage go because it was never right, from the very beginning.

But to answer the OP's question, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Everybody isn't the same. We all have different levels of maturity at age 20.

[Walleye]

12. True. My brother married at age 20. They just celebrated their 50th. Two successful grown children

[Rorey]

13. That's just so sweet NT

[Walleye]

21. They were married 16 years before they had children.our parents had given up. kids turned out great

[GoCubsGo]

5. My parents married at 20.

They were together for almost 60 years. Cancer is what put an end to it, not anything else. It all depends on the couple. For some, it's too soon. For some, it's not. Just like everything else in life.

[obamanut2012]

6. You also cannot gauge what someone is feeling from photos

Nor what a relationship is like on the inside. Guess how many happy couple pics I've seen where it later comes out a spouse was being horribly abused? Ever see the pics of Ted Bundy and his GF and daughter? One happy family, while he was sneaking out and raping and murdering young women, then bringing trophies of them back to his place.

My parents were married at 18, and 58 years later are still loving and supportive of one another. They are still best friends.

[Rorey]

10. Exactly right

People used to tell my now-ex-husband and I all the time how we looked like such a happy couple. We weren't.

[MiHale]

8. I have known the person I'm married to...

since we were teens. She is one year younger than me. 3 kids, we waited a few years before they came. Have been married since 1973. All those years good? Hell no, bet we have some pictures somewhat close to those you described. We’re human, make mistakes, we love each other, mistakes get corrected.

Little story on how you become as one...COVID-19 vaccine day came, went to Rite-Aid, walked in, they took our temperature...she, 97.3...me, 97.3.

Oh yeah, we were 21 and 20 years immature when we married.

[Rorey]

11. That is just so cool!

I'm so happy for you both that you get to have that feeling.

[MiHale]

20. Thanks Rorey...

[snpsmom]

14. Didn't work for me

Married at 20, two kids and a divorce in 4 years. Pretty sure it wasn't our age that was the problem. He's still an addict and narcissist who doesn't care about his kids.

[DFW]

15. Only those who will still be happily together 40 years later

Since there is no way to know that 40 years beforehand, there can be no right answer.

My wife and I met at age 22, and clicked instantly. We didn't get married until eight years later because there were cultural and logistical considerations. There was the mountain of paperwork involved, whose continent would we live on, etc. We finally only got around to the paperwork because my brother invited us to tag along at his wedding, and make it a double wedding. Otherwise, we might not have gotten around to it for another ten or twenty years.

Anyhow, here we are, 47 years after having met, and still fighting paperwork battles (Europe lives for its bureaucracy). But we have solved the residence question: I moved to her continent, my brother's wife moved to his.

All one can do, whether at age 20 or age 50, is contemplate all the pros and cons, and if the pros win, go for it. If the cons win, and you feel you can beat them, then you STILL go for it. If it later turns out to have been the wrong decision, then it does. Unless it's for reasons of money or citizenship, no one gets married with the intention of getting divorced three years later--or even twenty years later.

[brooklynite]

16. Have you considered that its the kids and not the marriage?

FWIW - didn't get married at 20, but I've been with my partner for 43 years. First and only.

[snowybirdie]

18. Depends

We married each other at 18 and 20. That was 60 years ago! Life has been good, fun, prolific and mostly happy. Do I want early marriage for my grandchildren and great grandchildren? He'll no! Things are very different today. And besides, you're allowed to have sex outside of marriage now lol.

[3Hotdogs]

19. I believe Ariel Arandt married at 16 and stayed married until death -- maybe 50 or so years.

For most, probably a mistake. But marriages later in life also fail.

[aikoaiko]

22. Its none of my business what consenting adults do with their relationships.

It's a crap-shoot any which way. Most of the time people get married when they are in love and things are great, but its difficult to predict how the couple will be as they go through life changes. So much depends on how well they can avoid the four horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling when things are difficult.

[GulfCoast66]

23. I was 20 when I met my wife. But she was 26.

We waited almost 7 years to get married, however.

Married 27 years. Together 33.

[panader0]

24. My marriage history is not good, but I used my experiences to advise my daughter.

I told her not to get married until you have had your adventures, have a good job, and
hopefully own a house. She did all that--traveled the world, finished college, had a
good job and was buying a house. Actually, two houses, one in Alaska and one in
Virginia. My granddaughter's 1st birthday is 3 weeks away. My son-in-law is the kind
of guy every dad wants their daughter to marry.

[Klaralven]

25. If you meet the right one, can't marry too soon. If you don't meet the right one, cant wait too long

[forthemiddle]

26. I was 19, my husband was 20

After 33 years, I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made!

No, I wasn’t pregnant. He was in the Army, and we wanted to be together.

I am still married to my best friend, and there is no one I would rather be with. Our children are grown, and have their own families, and now we get to experience new adventures together, while we are still young enough to enjoy it.

[multigraincracker]

27. Mom and dad didn't get married until they were 30 and

stayed married until they died at 90. When my dad was 80 he told me the first 30 years of marriage was a tuff and go, but they stayed busy with their careers and got through it. Then he told me that after that they would then be lost without each other. They died 6 months apart.

I married at 21 and divorced at 31. Not married now, but live with the love of my life.
I think the first time I got married was because I was afraid of being alone. After very long periods of being alone I found the right one. I'm of the feeling now that if you can't live alone you can't live with someone. But, that's just me.

[haele]

28. Depends, my parents married at 20 and 22.

They struggled in the beginning, but they always viewed their relationship as a partnership, I think in part as they were both raised by a single parent of the opposite gender. Getting married out of high school or college was expected in the 50's. Many of their schoolmates ended up divorcing in the mid 70's to 80's, after the kids grew up, but because my parents always worked and supported each other in their goals -which didn't stop at family - they stayed together until dad passed unexpectedly 9 years ago. Mom still misses him to talk to and adventure with.

Haele

[Shanti Shanti Shanti]

30. Young, old, doesnt matter, marriage is a crapshoot, roll the dice, some are happier with the results

[spinbaby]

31. I got married at 22

And it was a long and happy marriage.

[Elessar Zappa]

32. My parents got married young.

My mom was 18 and my dad was 20. Their marriage is still going strong 47 years later.

[Chainfire]

34. I married my wife the day I turned 19. She was 17 plus two months.

That will be 50 years ago in early July of this year.

My older sister cried because she thought I was making a terrible mistake. Everyone said, behind our backs, that it would last six months. Others said that she had to be pregnant. The conditions her parents put on us getting married were that she would finish high school. She ended up with a master's degree. We bought our first house when I was 22, We had our first child after 11 years of marriage, or second child two years later. They have turned out to be happy, successful adults. My wife has been my best friend for a long, long time and I cherish every minute of it. We are both retired now and live a happy comfortable life.

So my reply is that some people can start a long and successful marriage at age 20, and some will never be happy in a marriage, no matter how old they are when they tie the knot. It is about the people, not the age.

To answer your final question, 60 years will not be long enough.

[Happy Hoosier]

35. Everybody is different of course...

I decided to get married late-ish. I was 30. I did not want to feel like I had any wild oats left to sow. Didn;t have a kid until 36. Worked for us. It'll be 25 years this November.

But I know others that got married right outta college and they are still happy and together.

My advice to my daughter is just focus on what you want in your life for yourself first. And then see how a particular person fits into that. The goal is to avoid ever blaming your partner for something you "missed" or "sacrificed."

If people can do that at 20, maybe they will be fine. But I think that's not the best model for most people today.