Because we are elderly and my husband has a disability, we hire a worker/caregiver from an agency

[CTyankee]

which is nonprofit, to clean our house and do our laundry. We pay more per hour for her service than I would have to pay privately. But the agency bonds her and has trained her. I feel comfortable because I know she has protections both for her and for us. I do give her a Christmas bonus of a day's pay (actually 4 hours). And I am happy to do so.

She is not like "a member of our family" as I consider that to be hypocritical and condescending. She deserves a living wage and safe working conditions and to be treated with dignity and respect.

We really want to stay in our home but my kids have mentioned going into "assisted living." Not so much any more since in our state those places were implicated in deaths from the coronavirus early on. I said to my youngest daughter "now aren't you glad we didn't go into that assisted living home you were researching for us?)

Of note: my physical therapist tells me that his elderly patients who have stairs in their homes are in better shape than those without. Well, well. I guess that's us because we are fine and I am writing my second book. I know enough to do my back exercise in bed before I get up and use a stationary bike for 20 minutes twice a day (working up to 30 minutes). I can watch TV while I cycle. And I am up and down those stairs five or six times a day. The arthritis in my back and knees is kept at bay!

[drray23]

1. You are absolutely right that staying at home is the answer.

There are plenty of studies which shows that older people do better in their familiar environment. Not to mention, its actually less costly. So much so that countries like France ( I was born there) encourage people to stay home and provide at home aides and at home healthcare. They figured its a better outcone and also cost less than retirements homes ( they do have those too but are trying to shift towards more at home care)

[blm]

2. 💐🥰💐

[Cousin Dupree]

3. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to stay at home!

However, as a former visiting nurse, the problem is when people insist on staying in their homes when they are too sick or frail or are a danger to themselves to be living at home. And many refuse help. Usually in those cases, they are taken out of the house by EMS after a severe fall or accident and never go back after a hospital stay. It’s so sad.

[jaxexpat]

14. I'm betting people who go to live in elder care facilities never go back to their homes either.

Dying is so predictable and still such a surprise.

[CTyankee]

25. It happened to my mother in the assisted living facilty! She slipped in the bathroom, broke her

arm, pushed the panic button and was retrieved by the staff and sent to the hospital. She lingered there, getting worse. They summoned me and I flew down to Texas as soon as possible. She died in the hospital a couple of days later. My mother was 93.

Funny story: before she passed, when she was still conscious and alert enough to talk to me she asked me how old she was. I told her she was 93. Her reply was: "Oh, no wonder I look like hell."

[lunatica]

41. That made me laugh!

[Cousin Dupree]

49. LOL. Bless her heart!

[mdelaguna]

4. John Oliver's deep dive on long term care facilities worth the watch

It’s on YouTube. He nailed it and will affirm your position.

[Rhiannon12866]

48. Here's the video for those who missed it:

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) - Long-Term Care
https://www.democraticunderground.com/1017651272

[brewens]

5. I think of people like you when I see those, "at no cost to you", "we'll even bill your Medicare"

commercials, selling power chairs and stair lifts. I'm glad people that really need those can get them, but they would be better off if they could do something to avoid needing those. I'm 60 and lost a lot of weight and worked up to walking about and hour almost every day. I was headed that way if I didn't.

[multigraincracker]

6. Mom and dad had to go to assisted living in their late 80s

when neither of them could drive anymore. They pick the best one in town. TV ads about how great it was and all of the great activities. Looked more like a resort for grandparents.
After a few months, I asked dad how they liked it, he said "everyone here wishes they were dead".
Mom lived another 6 months after dad passed away. I moved her down by me so I could visit every and found a much smaller place that was less than half the price of the big fancy place and it was 100% better. Same person everyday on every shift. Nothing ever missing from their personal stuff and more..

Good luck. Can either of you still drive? If so I'd wait it out.

[Laura PourMeADrink]

13. Wow that's really sad. I wish there would be a big boom in creating better

Places for older people to live. It's truly a sad situation.

[Submariner]

21. You'll like this, and hopefully Manchin will too

Biden's plan to invest $400 billion to make long-term care cheaper is really popular

https://www.democraticunderground.com/100215338372

[Laura PourMeADrink]

42. Yes heard that! Not sure how many people actually pay for

nursing home care though. Based on what I've learned, you literally have to be super wealthy to actually pay for it. Everyone else has to divest everything they own and let medicare kick in. Long-term care insurance is astronomical unless you start early in life paying premiums. It all varies by state. I'm talking Connecticut where it's got one of the highest costs. And Connecticut was a state where lots of people died from covid. Lied to by the former guy an unprotected by the state.

I was thinking more about older people who aren't really sick but need other people around and a safe home to live in. I remember seeing a senior complex like that one time. It was all one story small homes built in a circle. Each had a front porch for them to sit on and visit. And everything inside was easy to get around with no stairs.

It had a community building where people could meet and a visiting nurse came each day and looked in on everybody. I have no idea how much something like this costs. I picture a garden in the center where people who are able to work on it or teens from high school could volunteer to help?

[Native]

46. Heck with Uber and Lyft now, who needs to be able to drive?

[CTyankee]

26. We both drive, but not after dark.

[multigraincracker]

36. Dad had glaucoma and mom had dementia.

Mom could see to drive and dad knew where they were for about 5 or 6 years. Then they declined enough to where that didn't work and they knew it was time.

[CTyankee]

39. Yes, I know about glaucoma. I take medication for my eyes but I just had an eye exam and my

sight has NOT deteriorated over the last two years. I don't drive in pouring rain due to visibility problems (just common sense for anybody).

I forget more easily but since I do a lot of research, I feel it is the best thing I could be doing to keep my mind active and ward off forgetfulness. But I keep a paper calendar which I regularly consult so I don't forget my appointments.

Three years ago I got quite sick and was told by my gastroenterologist that wine drinking was harming me. I guess at 79 my body was telling me "OK, that's enough!" So I stopped and my last MRI showed no problems and I feel great. I miss the wine but drink a Merlot that has the alcohol removed. It tastes like Merlot but has no effects. And I feel great...

[multigraincracker]

45. Dad had glaucoma for 20 years and lost all of his vision

a week before he died. He had gone 4 years without an eye exam and that did it. I caught mine this year, looks like just in time. I've been going about every 6 months.

Cognitive strategies for my cognitive impairment. Taking notes helps.

[CTyankee]

50. I have a follow up appt. next month which I will not brush off. The meds are expensive but worth

it. "The cost of doing business" or something like that...

[mahina]

7. There are other choices.

There are home sharing projects all over the country in case you have an extra room or a way to offer housing perhaps to a college student or something in exchange for some chores and some money. Good luck.

Sounds like your helper is working out great! Wishing you all good health.

[Solomon]

8. Both of my parents late 80s. Mom and sister wanted to put dad in a nursing home. Myself

my brother, and another sister wouldn't let them. So we bought dad a medical bed,etc . and took turns sleeping over to take care of him. Had the Medicare people come in for physical therapy, etc.

He had to go to the hospital for a problem and they released him to a nursing home for therapy. He hated it! Packed his bags everyday hoping to go home, begging us to take him home.

When we got him home, mom and sister started up with the find a nursing home crap. Then covid hit and they realised nursing homes were out of the picture.

He got to the point where he can no longer get up and down, go to the bathroom, etc. But we learned how to keep him clean, much better than a nursing home would do. Everybody is happy that he's home, Mom and sister included.

We do what we have to do and it's better than the nursing home. The thing is though, my parents have four loving children, everyone does their part. But my wife and I only have one child, my brother and one sister have none.
If you don't have children, you really gotta worry about your old age. Especially since people are living so much longer.

[Laura PourMeADrink]

15. Kudos to you and family. Wish we had done that but

because we weren't warned about covid, my dad was sent to rehab for minor back issues and he never came out. In retrospect, would give anything to relive that time and do what you guys did.

[Roy Rolling]

9. Stairs

When we designed and built our house in 2003 after a fire destroyed the existing house, we made it 2-story like the old one.

Now, climbing stairs is impossible for me. But I put my exercise equipment upstairs and used it until I was physically unable.

Do as much as you can for as long as you can, people. Growing old is not a drill. 😂

[MineralMan]

10. Stairs are good. I'm 75, and I go down and up the stairs to my basement office

at least 20 times a day. I think it's good for me, and my doctor agrees, as long as I can do it without any risk of falling. So far, so good.

[lostnfound]

11. Thank you for starting this thread. What type of nonprofit?

I don’t know where to turn to find such care for someone in my family.

[CTyankee]

27. The agency might actually have a live in component on site. I don't know.

[Pobeka]

12. Good for you. If I might add one thing to consider -- balance.

As we get older, the risk of falling due to lack of balance goes up a lot. And then breaking a hip in the fall is a real concern.

So, don't wait for your balance to get bad. Practice it to maintain it before it gets bad. Taijji chuan (Tai Chi) is particularly good, because done properly, all the weight stays on one leg or the other as you move from form to form. There are a lot of controlled studies about Tai Chi supporting this, it really works.

But there are little things you can do -- (standing by a chair or counter if you are very unstable to have an emergency hand hold), just lift one leg, then the other, hold them up 5 or 10 sec (or longer if you can). Waiting in line at a grocery store? -- do the same exercise. Brushing your teeth -- yep, same thing.
---

My parents had someone come into their home to help clean, and cook a meal for a while. Eventually it became 24/7 as my mom had Parkinson's and needed it. 24/7 was cheaper than assisted living, and I believe worked better than assisted living for a lot of reasons. I am supportive of your approach!

[GumboYaYa]

16. Good for you!!!!

We are going through this agony with my wife's parents. A few years ago they made the decision to sell their house and move to independent living. Now they are being forced into assisted living and it is just not a good situation for them. They would be much happier in their own home with some outside assistance. After watching this process unfold my wife and I both never want to be in assisted living if possible. I think you should stay on your own as long as absolutely possible.

[Mme. Defarge]

17. Writing your second book -

formidable!!!

[CTyankee]

28. My daughter who is a graphics artist read some of my art essays right here at DU and wanted to

publish them (privately, that's another story). So she did (my first husband had the nerve to say that he "helped me find my voice" and wanted to know why I didn't thank him as I did others in the acknowledgments section, but that's another story!).

This second one is art related as well. I met with my tech person this morning about this project. He's going to put it all in google.docs for me. My daughter has already created the cover which will be absolutely beautiful (she's wonderful). This new tech person was blown away when he saw her artwork for the cover!

[Mme. Defarge]

34. I am SO IMPRESSED!

Since I retired I’ve completed 2 manuscripts for a mystery series. Still in the rewriting stage and am trying to get my bearings after a year of solitary confinement. My liberation day is Monday (!!!!!!!!!!) and one of the first things I plan to do is take my laptop to my favorite neighborhood coffee shop and soak up the sights and sounds of a world outside my bungalow.

I also knit, naturellement, but, as hobbies go, writing is definitely cheaper than knitting.

Best of luck to you, and keep us posted!

[CTyankee]

37. Home confinement can be deadly to soul and body.

The thing is, I love researching art! And youtube has great videos on artists. I can find fascinating lectures on art by art experts/professors/researchers. My inspiration was from these online writers/professors/museum curators (who are full of passion and whose lectures can also be found online). And art is beautiful. Merci, madame.

[Mme. Defarge]

38. De rien, Ma Belle!

Another thing I plan to do soon is visit my local art museum, where I have a membership. It has just started having limited public tours.

[CTyankee]

40. the MFA is open in Boston. Daughter and I went a few weeks ago to its Monet exhibit.

Last edited Thu Apr 15, 2021, 01:47 PM - Edit history (1)

Monet is not my favorite artist but this was a nice show.

I traveled for 10 years once or twice a year to Europe to see those favorites you only see in books. I am hoping that soon the EU will no longer keep us out of their countries. I want to go to Barcelona and back to Paris where I want to look at Chagall's ceiling at the Opera Garnier. I've never been to Barcelona and I didn't know about the Garnier ceiling when I was in Paris. You can google it. Take a look, it's worth it!

[OnionPatch]

18. I'm so glad it's working for you.

My mom and step-dad are in their nineties and until recently lived in their own home with some assistance. Mom is with me now and I need to hire some morning help for her so I can work uninterrupted. I’ll keep your comments in mind, thanks!

BTW, she has to go upstairs to shower here, which she didn’t at her home. She’s already going up them faster than when she first came, so they’re definitely making her stronger. 🙂

[CTyankee]

31. The stationary bike is helpful for the knees. I got one suitable for elderly people.

It has a padded seat and grip bars on the side of the seat. I have the bike set at the right resistance for me but that can be adjusted. I had my local handyman assemble it. I specifically did NOT want one of those that has a screen and somebody yelling at you. Fine for some folks, but no thanks...

[OnionPatch]

43. I HATE those machines that yell at you.

🤣

[Bayard]

19. We wished we hadn't put our folks in assisted living

But we had a doctor threatening with elder abuse if we didn't. My Mom had Alzheimers, and my Dad had a stroke several years earlier, unable to move on right side. They had someone coming in once a week, and since I was still in Calif then, my brother traveled 100 miles round trip every other day to go check on them.

The facility was new, very nice, they had adjoining rooms, but my Dad was miserable. He wanted to go home. A couple months after moving in, he passed away. My Mom lasted several years, and until she became really paranoid, liked the socializing.

I'm not going anywhere. I have my farm, and my animals, my gardens, and my woods. I am extremely active at 64 years, and can still heft a 50 pound bale of hay pretty easily.

I say--good for you, CTyankee! You go, girl!

[katmondoo]

20. I am 91 and I am not going anywhere.

[CTyankee]

32. Oh, you're doing pretty well if you can do that. I did Jazzercise three times a week for close to

10 years in my sixties and seventies. I also had gone back to school and was getting a Masters degree and was able to use the college's olympic sized pool for free which I did twice a week. It was great. As an alumnae I get a reduced rate.

[csziggy]

22. My parents stayed in their home until they each passed

Dad spent a short time in a nursing home after he collapsed from a blood clot in one lung. On his 90th birthday he had to go back to the hospital for pneumonia. Once he was well, he went home and my sister arranged 24 hour caretakers for him. He died six months later.

With Dad' passing Mom began showing signs of dementia and her doctor would not let he stay home alone, so we continued the caretakers for her. At first she hated it, but she became used to having them around. She fell, cracked her hip but by then she was so far gone she didn't remember/realize what had happened. She couldn't get out of bed and without the caretaker she would have been left there until she died. The caretaker got her to the hospital.

Since they couldn't do anything about the hip, they sent her home and she had to relie more and more on her caretakers. She died in her sleep at 97.

I believe staying in her home was much better for Mom than putting her in a facility. It kept her oriented and until she cracked her hip, she'd get up every morning, walk around the yard, picking up Spanish moss and fallen limbs, and checking on her garden. Once she couldn't do that, her dementia got increasingly worse, but being able to look out the window at her garden helped her remember her life.

She also climbed up and down the stairs in her house until she cracked her hip.

[SheltieLover]

23. Good for you!!!

Glad you are staying active & writing!

What genre is your book? I read approx 1 cozy mystery per day.

[CTyankee]

33. well, my genre may not be of interest to you (or to many)...

I'm doing something a little different with the subject of artists creating that which cannot be painted: music. I have researched the hell out of this subject...

[SheltieLover]

44. Have you seen this post about the Berklee course about music & well-being?

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=15338554

I just received an email about this today and felt to post here.

Not sure I'd understand most of what you'll be writing about, but it sounds like a fascinating topic. I studied a good deal of art therapy in college and have great respect for the arts!

[NurseJackie]

24. Hang in there.

[malaise]

29. Stay in your home for as long as you can

[malaise]

30. Stay in your home for as long as you can

[CTyankee]

35. I will do! We managed safely here during the pandemic. We are both vaccinated and have been

(thank you Governor Lamont!) for several weeks now! We still mask up when we go out and when people come in. It's no biggie.

[Generic Brad]

47. Thank you for raising this topic

My wife and I know these are issues we will be facing sooner or later. I appreciate the open discussion and everyone’s willingness to share.