Dear Mr. Trump: It's me again.
As always, I am trying to think of something I can do to help you prove that you won that election by a landslide. We must "Stop the Steal" and return you to your rightful place in the White House. I've already bought all of your caps and flags an commemorative coins and I have sent you my mortgage money for months now, but "Sleepy Joe" is still pretending to be POTUS. I was at wits end about what else I could do---until I woke up this morning!
Mr. Trump, it took several tubes of that KY stuff, but when you wisely suggested that we put UV lights "inside", I did it. It was very uncomfortable and made me sit sort of funny for a while, but I eventually adapted to it very well and can now turn it on and off at will, SO---
---now that you need UV light to detect all the millions of phony ballots in Arizona---well, I'm available. I can squat over each ballot and---"click"---illuminate them and sterilize them at the same time!
No thanks necessary! I will be honored to be of service and play a part in Making America Great Again!
When should I report to the Ninja guy?
Your patriotic pal, Zelmo Thudpucker.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Thanks for a hearty laugh this early 
thanks for the laugh this AM!
Hope the UV light is an LED bulb so it doesn't become too warm in your nether regions!
Zelmo deserves to be in the MAGA HALL-OF-FAME - perhaps he can use his 'special talent' to light the stream of 'brain juice' running down the side of Rudy's face - or shine a beautiful ray of light on the 'special make-up' that Donnie Jr. has surrounding his nasal area, or maybe the best idea - special lighting for the 'F**K CHRISTMAS' display honoring our previous First Lady.
So many possibilities - but definitely capable, just like Donnie! 
UV light up my crack, even with KY, so I can volunteer for a recount here in Georgia. 
Call me when you get to Atlanta, Zelmo.
(You are too funny!)
