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[fingrinn]

This message was self-deleted by its author (fingrinn) on Wed Oct 24, 2012, 12:43 PM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

[Botany]

1. Have your wife talk to the local police department's person who works w/ rape victims or

..... a women's rape crisis center. But a subject like this is way out of the depth of
what DU can handle. Good luck to your wife.

[irisblue]

6. *vibes for her*

I think Botany is right..this is awful, for your wife and for all that love her. I'd think about calling a rape crisis center, for her and for you as well, a partners' view and support/support needs, way too complicated for us here.
**big vibes for her, you, and all the victims of this predator**

[porphyrian]

2. If you cannot approach your wife with this directly, try asking her counselor.

Without legal documents signed, and depending on your state's laws, the counselor will probably not be able to discuss you wife's medical/psychological history with you (HIPAA), but the counselor may have advice for you in how to approach your wife about this.

[Ninga]

3. Encourage her to talk to go back to a counselor. A counselor will Not tell her what to do, but will

guide her through the process of making her own decision.

In the end, your wife may find that finally unburdening her saddened heart will be enough, or she may decide to move forward.
But to not seek counseling does nothing but keep her in the same place, and she will continue to move in emotional circles, never coming to resolution.

It sounds like she needs to finish what she started in her previous counseling....

[Sekhmets Daughter]

4. It is a mistake

to assume that because people have a liberal/progressive bent to their politics, they are qualified to give you advice on this subject.

Why would you encourage you wife to do anything? If she decides on her own, or with her counselor, to report the rape to the police, then you need to support her through the mess that it will become, mentally, emotionally and physically. Your wife needs to seek professional advice, including legal advice, before making a decision this momentous.

[fingrinn]

7. I want to support her

She is an amazing woman who's life has been ruined by her rapist.
As well as depression, she has low self esteem and anaroxia which she is seeing a councellor for.
Despite all this she manages to work as a support worker for disabled adults as well as supporting me with my own disabled teenager
(she's my 2nd wife)
She is currently going through a stage of making excellent progress with her eating disorder which i believe is a direct result of her rape.
I personal believe she is ready to let go, and confronting him would make a huge difference in her recovery.

For all she has done for me all I want is some advice or thoughts on how to support her if she needs it.

[Sekhmets Daughter]

13. Love her...pretty simple.

but remember this is a decision only she can make and what you might call "encouragement" she may see as coercion. Good luck to you and your wife...may she find peace.

[demwing]

9. "Why would you encourage you wife to do anything?"

because he cares about her?

[Sekhmets Daughter]

14. Caring about her does not entail

"encouraging her to go to the police." An individual suffering from depression and eating disorders could very well see that encouragement as coercion. I will say it again...this needs professional counseling...

[fingrinn]

20. I am not offended

by your comments.
They are simply a different perspective on a difficult situation that i had not considered.

[rainanna 14]

15. There is no debate on this. She MUST tell. If I were the husband and my wife gave me the details

He SHOULD encourage her to contact the police and if she won't do it, he should make an anonymous tip! Because letting this sicko do it more and more is not okay.

[CoffeeCat]

5. This is information that the police need to know...

Wow, this must be so incredibly difficult for your wife. I am also a survivor of sexual abuse, so I understand how horrible and emotional this must be for your wife. I am so sorry that she is going through this, and really--that your entire family has been affected by this criminal.

It is in my opinion, that the police need to have this information. They need to know your wife's story.

It's entirely within the realm of possibilities that the police will be able to do nothing. However, they need to have this information. They would want this information.

It's quite possible that there are other victims that the police know about. You just never know. I'm just throwing a scenario out--but it's possible that there were other victims who were unwilling to testify or who decided to avoid testify, to avoid the trauma. My point is--that you never know what the reality is.

I have no idea if your wife coming forward could affect this man's parole--or if it could help the police. However, it may prevent this man from ever hurting anyone again. This man is a serial child rapist. It is highly likely that he will harm another child. These people are rarely, if ever, rehabilitated. Our prison system isn't exactly a therapeutic place. If anything, he's probably angry and anxious about his adjustment into society--and these types harm people out of anger and their own frustrations.

Oh my gosh--I will be thinking of you and your wife. I am sure she is going through quite a bit--just contemplating his release and what that means. Of course, this man won't recognize your wife. Do you live in the same town as this man? The police could actually be quite helpful in your wife's healing. I imagine that they will applaud your wife for having the courage to come forward.

I know how hard this is, and how much fear there is. However, your wife can take some of her power back by telling her story. I do not know what the police will offer or how they will handle this situation--but your wife can defend herself now and break the silence.

You are a terrific husband for being so concerned and for asking for advice. I hope others will provide comfort and good advice, as well.

Take care--Please keep us posted if you feel comfortable.

[fingrinn]

8. The difficulty is

Even though its been decades, possibly her rapist has been identified finally.
I cant support her at the moment as she's out of town until tomorow. Im at a total loss at the moment and am shocked.
I am convinced this was the guy who did it.

[NotThisTime]

11. Seek help immediately with a Rape Crisis Counselor

You need help as much as your wife. You need to know best how to support her and in the process you need help yourself. I'm so sorry for what your wife has been through, get help immediately, I know it's hard but I hope you both find the strength to reach out.

[HopeHoops]

10. I agree with Botany. She should go directly to the local police and file a report.

They're the ones who will have the case history and all it takes is one detective to reopen the files. The similarities are chilling.

[mstinamotorcity2]

12. As a Woman I Commend Your Wife

on being a Survivor!!!!!!!!But if her Heart says that there is some unfinished business she needs to take care of, then I as a woman support her decision to do as she see fits. If it is her desire to come forward or not as a Woman I respect her personal boundaries. If she desires to come forward I will admire the depth of her courage and the Grand view that she is making whole another child. By doing what her gut tells her. And what counselors, husband and support network advise her is her best option.Good Luck. You have my support!!!!!

[randome]

17. Talk to your wife before you go behind her back and do anything.

Any actions needing to be taken should be hers to take.

[lindysalsagal]

18. Sorry, but I fail to see what the police can do for your wife all these years later.

They know to keep an eye on him. Notify all neighbors and schools that he's being released. Pay for him to be followed, try to catch him again.

But it's not something that the police can help her with. They can only prevent the next attack or alert families.

Make sure she has a good cell phone and does not go out alone.

[fingrinn]

19. Thank you all

for your kind considerate replies.
This is the exact reason i turned to D/U.
To be clear i am from New Zealand and if i was American i would vote democrat because it fits with my principles.
Nothing in life prepares you for a situation like this and once again thank you ALL for your wise words of advice.