Self, meet old self.

[marble falls]

I reconnected with a high school friend.

We were at Buchtel HS in Akron, and in '68 we published an underground paper. We were both expelled the last half day of our Junior year. Dave left through the window. I sat in the lunchroom and talked to angry black students (including some friends) and Jewish student (Also including some friends).

There was a lot of controversy over the last issue, the "Easter Bunny is Jewish" issue. That was the cover, drawn by the school newspaper cartoonist.

The problem I always thought was the one anonymous article from the "resident right winger". It wouldn't have been hard to fugure out who wrote it as we had a list of all writers and there was only one who hadn't credited their piece.

I had lost my copy years and years ago in the early 70's.

Dave told me he has it on a file and sent it to me.

My stuff was mainly satire and humourous news content.

I read it and was thoroughly shocked at the racist quality of it. All these years I wanted some people I thought highly of to be able to read it.


How ashamed I am for being what I truly was.

We get older and we look for the feet of clay in other people. And I discover, the clay goes to my knees.


I would post it, but it really is embarassing.

"We have met the enemy, and he really is me."

[LakeArenal]

1. As long as we keep learning about ourselves, we can evolve.

Thanks for this thread. It made me think.

I think of the three or four people that were bullied by my class through the years.

I wasn’t a blatant bully but I participated in
The group think. It still haunts me today. I remember all their names and some of the things that were said or done to them. Some of them bullied by teachers as well.

My apologies to BH, CW, JR, and TC where ever you are and hope your lives are successful and happy.

[marble falls]

32. And the times I kept quiet. I regret those most.

[LakeArenal]

39. Yeah, sigh. Chin up, look forward, be better again tomorrow.

Self forgiveness is not always easy.

That’s why I just can’t conceive of the worst evils out there. How do some sleep at night?

[Kali]

2. of course that makes one really curious

[marble falls]

4. Of course. It's in PDF, or I'd send a page to you PM so as to not chance a hide.

[PatSeg]

3. I think everyone did or said things

in their youth that would be embarrassing today, but not everyone is together enough to admit it. It was a different time and we were different people.

Thanks for sharing.

[marble falls]

7. This is what Dave and I e'd yesterday ...

On Jun 17, 2021, at 4:42 PM, herb morehead wrote:

Fuck. Was that an embarrassment. I never realized what a racist little twerp I was.



h.


doc@xxxxxxxx
To:Herb Morehead
Fri, Jun 18 at 8:04 AM
Think we all were, albeit some more than others!
Took me a few decades of patient correction by my POC friends about white saviorism and systemic vs personal racism to slowly come around… and I’m pretty amused about how I’ve come to utterly reject the *rEaSoNaBlE mOdErAtE* stance in my current persona.

I find my pretentiousness equally embarrassing! But to be fair — high schoolers, amirite? I am surrounded by them now, and such is pretty much the center of the ol’ bell curve.

Hopefully we’re both somewhat more evolved by nw!

D

[PatSeg]

9. Makes you wonder

how racist everyone else was as well. Obviously you both did evolve. Not everyone did.

[marble falls]

10. It had to be pretty bad. I sure knew racists when I saw them and marked them for it, too.

[PatSeg]

12. When I first replied

for some reason, I did not see your entire message.

I knew some very overt racists years ago, but at the time I probably didn't always acknowledge the more mainstream, often subtle racism among friends and family. I'm not really sure though, as I was pretty obnoxiously anti-racism, i.e. "I can't take you anywhere!" Still it is likely that I overlooked or even accepted things I would not today.

[marble falls]

13. Dave describes it as being antisystematic Racism, while ignoring passinve personal racism ...

and behaviors like paternalism, saviorism etc.

[PatSeg]

16. That actually describes it perfectly

I guess it is all part of the evolutionary process. It all seems rather gradual, but we've made quantum leaps in just one generation. For those of us who were around in the 1950s and 1960s, we know how far we have come. Just imagine how far we'll be in another few decades.

[EYESORE 9001]

8. I know that to be true

Hardly a week goes by without feeling regret and/or embarrassment for some remembrance from my youth. I’m not keen on suppressing memories, but it’s concerning that I spend so much time cringing over things I did or said in the past.

[PatSeg]

14. Oh my, I do it all the time

You would think or at least hope that the memories would fade as you get older, but so many of my mishaps just get more vivid over time. In my mind I try to go back and redo certain instances. Some even aren't all that bad and its likely that other people have either forgotten or never even noticed in the first place. I began to realize that maybe when some people develop memory loss later in life, it could be a bittersweet blessing.

[EYESORE 9001]

17. Every word of that rings true for me

Particularly worrisome is a verbal tic I developed a few years ago, somewhere between a growl, a grunt, and a groan, when ruminating over especially painful memories. The ‘clearing my throat’ excuse only works for so long before people start giving you the side-eye. I’ve conquered that for the most part, thankfully.

[PatSeg]

21. You are cracking me up

I wonder how common this is. I know my grown daughter is the same way. She beats herself up over things from years ago and so many of them are truly "water under the bridge" for me and others involved or they were so minor that no one else remembers.

I've done that growl/grunt thing as well, but hadn't really thought about it before. I guess I have a hard time keeping all my thoughts contained in my brain. I don't really notice other people doing it all that much or maybe I really thought they were just clearing their throat.

[EYESORE 9001]

22. I don't recall reading about this phenomenon anywhere

Seems like a worthwhile thing to research.

[PatSeg]

27. Oh, absolutely

So we know at least two people who do it, that's a start.

I've been known to sometimes be moving my lips when I'm thinking or even smiling or chuckling. I'd just never paid attention to the grunt/groan thing until you brought it up. I think I may do it often, but I spend so much time alone there is no one to really notice.

[iluvtennis]

34. +++ agree. And we look back sand see that we've grown - that's a very good thing. n/t

[PatSeg]

36. Yes, very healthy

And a reminder of how far we've come.

[Random Boomer]

52. I still cringe at my younger self

I was a clueless white girl and it's mortifying to remember all the thoughtless, careless, awkward actions of my past. Nothing vicious or mean-spirited, just oblivious and ignorant. But I learned better and I'm still learning.

[PatSeg]

54. At least we are still learning

That can't be said about everyone.

[gratuitous]

5. The eternal question, as posed by the Scarecrow

"What have you learned, Dorothy?"

Obviously you've grown and changed in the last 50 years, which is as it should be. Everyone starts somewhere; it's where you end up that is the measure of a life.

[genxlib]

6. It happens

Not to long ago, my family found one of the examples of my personal shame. It was a picture from a Middle School trip where I was wearing a "Proud to be a Rebel" tshirt complete with the stars and bars. What can I say, I was a product of a deep south family with rural roots. I matured and got out.

All we can do is be better than we used to be. In some cases, a lot better.

[marble falls]

11. It takes work. Continual work. I felt in '68 I was "enlightened" about race. I was merely polite.

[TheRickles]

15. If I knew then what I know now....

But we didn't, did we. A little self-compassion goes a long way. Thanks for posting this, mf.

[llmart]

19. I think most of us can relate to that.

I believe it was Maya Angelou who said, "You do the best you can with what you know, but when you know better you should do better."

I know that every single day until the day I die I am trying to do better. I give myself a pass on things I did or said in my youth. We are human and we're not perfect and I still put my foot in my mouth sometimes. I also have found that I'm eating my words from the past many, many times over now that I'm a senior citizen and getting old. It's a very humbling experience.

[LakeArenal]

31. Lovely quote. True.

[marble falls]

33. I find myself in these last six months accepting that I never ever knew as much as I thought ...

... I honestly do not know if I was so confident because of what I knew or was arrogant in my ignorance.

It's part of my coming to grips with my own mortality, but it's also an acceptance of the fact we don't control anything anywhere as completely as we allow ourselves to believe.

[llmart]

50. Funny you should say that last line...

I was speaking with a friend of mine who's the same age as I am and before we hung up I said to her, "My oldest sister has always said to me that in life there really is very little we have control over but we have this tremendous ability to convince ourselves that we do." My oldest sister is almost nine years older than I am and this saying of hers has stuck with me for a long time.

[marble falls]

51. There's been a lot written lately on the phenomenon of the less people know on any given ...

... subject, the more they are convinced of their expertise in that subject. Imagine my chagrin. I understand now that my education is not so broad as it is a master's trivia reservoir.

How we have so little control past expectation and yet get where and what we need is mind numbing. There's at least that value in blissful ignorance of not having any clue about how clueless one truly is.

[Ron Obvious]

18. Just be glad there was no social media in those days

Just imagine if that would be in the public record for all time. You might be cancelled or even lose a job because of it today if you fell afoul of the social justice mobs.

There seems to no room for nuance or appreciation for the fact that social norms change over the years in these times.

[Harker]

20. That you recognize it and tell us about it says a lot

about you.

[Maeve]

23. If you didn't feel bad about some of the things back then, it would mean you hadn't grown

I watch some of the films of our youth and cringe at the casual racism and homophobia that was seen as somewhat progressive back then (Mel Brooks would never get away with some of his stuff today, for example, even tho much of it was meant ironically). Times change, people grow--if we're doing it right.

And yeah, some of things I said in the past and thought was ok....

[PurgedVoter]

24. I grew up in the south, the invisible lies lurk within us hidden

Many of my best friends, were black. In retrospect, I have to love them even more because they put up with the crap I said.

[Ferrets are Cool]

25. I used to tell a joke when I was a teen that would make me throw up now to tell it

Many of us have had things happen in our life that we would like to forget. The important thing is "being better". I am a better person than I was then. to me.

[hunter]

26. Hell, I've written plenty of embarrassing shit here on DU...

[marble falls]

29. Me, too. I had to go back and remove about six comments for extreme mansplaining to ...

... a woman about her child. I self banned myself for a couple of weeks just over that dollop of assholery on my part. How I didn't get alerted and banned, I do not know - I posted at least 6 alertable posts in that one thread.

I have to check myself constantly. Sometimes I still pull one over on me.

Sometimes it's my dyslexia, sometimes it's just my hamfisted way of communicating. But I regret it either way.

[ShazamIam]

28. Just remind yourself this anti-Jewish dialog lurks with power among conservative Christians who

have major influence in the media and similar to all the various institutionalized racism that weakens our nation.

Like that old song from the musical made from Mitchner's, South Pacific, "it" must be carefully taught."

Edit add: Another DUer has posted a quote that shows how you were influenced.

https://democraticunderground.com/1016295269 The post is by Marcuse

[NoMoreRepugs]

30. Real people grow and evolve - Deplorable/Neanderthal/Republicans don't.

[PatrickforB]

35. Thanks for a thoughtful post. Sometimes, like Roland in Stephan King's Gunslinger series,

I feel as if the world has 'moved on.'

Like you, I have done and said things that I am definitely not proud of. Now, we have what we have, with these 'last gasp' white supremacists trying frantically to cling to power and white privilege, and the rest of us hoping we don't lose our republic.

But you know, slavery and genocide really ARE this country's original sins, and the time to confront that and tell the truth is right now. When Congress will overwhelmingly declare Juneteenth a national holiday, it is time. We have to get rid of the racism.

As to older folks like you and me, well, we can repent of any past actions and do the best we can now to help make a more perfect union.

[marble falls]

37. I wish for but know I will not be alive for a trully "post racial" America. My grandchildren might .

I actually accepted how bad it was because I felt once my father's generation died out it would happen. While I was waiting patiently, it got much worse. I am ashamed to admit I was shocked by the racism that bloomed when Barack Obama was elected.

Maybe after my generation has shaken its mortal coil?

The problem is that racism is taught (of course) and it will take quite a while to unteach it.

[we can do it]

38. Kinda off topic, I graduated from Kenmore in 77.

[marble falls]

40. Not at all. My cousins graduated from there in '68, '70 and '71. My grandmother's house was ...

... where the exit from 71 is, on Prospect St. A friend of mine was beaten with his own unloaded shotgun in the parking lot of the Cardinal Bar when he confronted the thief who stole his stereo in 71.

Another friend of mine from Kenmore's two uncles were the Anglin brothers, who might be the only successful escapees from Alcatraz.

Goodyear Aerospace had a security detail to sweep Kenmore Blvd dives to round up my grandfather, who was a lead hand at the Airship Dock machine shop during WWII.

I remember the Miracle Mart on Kenmore Blvd. Kenmore is tough cool.

[we can do it]

41. Miracle Mart!

[marble falls]

42. The biggest one in the chain. I forget the name of the burger joint on the east side of the street .

... just south of the 76/277 overpass. Then we'd head out to the lakes and drink $1.00 pitchers of 3.2 beer. And patch rubber everywhere.

Dem was the days.

[we can do it]

43. Kenmore Blvd and Wilbeth Rd.

[we can do it]

44. Eat and Run

[marble falls]

45. Eat and Run, that's it. There was another on Manchester RD - the Blue Flame.

[we can do it]

46. There was a drivethru further west on Wilbeth.

Never checked IDs until we were old enough.

[marble falls]

47. ID's, draft cards were so easy to fake. They just had to be good enough to provide 'plausible ...

... deniability' to the clerk.

[MineralMan]

48. In 1962, I got in big trouble at my high school.

I wrote an article in our school newspaper about the violent history of the Ku Klux Klan in that part of California in the 1920s and 30s.. The blowback was huge. Everything I wrote was absolutely true, and I had references in it to local newspaper stories from those times. I stuck to my guns, and argued my case vehemently. I kept my position on the paper and had strong supporters among local clergy and others.

I learned a lot that year. That's why I left my small town right after high school.

[marble falls]

49. People have an aversion to the uncomfortable truth. In my case it wasn't an objection ...

... to the truth, it was a reaction to my personal shortcomings. I hated the institutional racism, but I was coming from a place that was chock full of racist assumptions, complicated with managing to write some things I did not mean to come out the way they did.

One of my friends was Rita Dove, the Pulitzer Prize poet and former Clinton Poet Laureate of the Library of Congress. I can't imagine the control she had to not light into me.

But I fought to stay at Buchtel HS. They wanted to send me to the new HS, Firestone, claiming it was for my safety; but I wanted to be sent to South HS, 90%+ black. I was allowed back to Buchtel.

I worked up the copy for another issue, art and all. It was taken from my locker, along with my journal by Akron Police. It was about that time I joined the SDS.

[Vinca]

53. This is why we should be more understanding when offensive writings, photos or utterances from

decades ago appear about people in the press. Few of us are completely innocent when it comes to being a young idiot. We evolve as we age and most of us are better as a result. (An exception being Trump cultists.)

[marble falls]

55. It definately gives me pause when a 50 yr person gets gigged over blackface photo from 35 yrs ...

... ago, who's done nothing else in the intervening time that would raise a negative interest. Doing it in the early 60s as an 18yr old is one thing, and doing it in 2000 is pure provocation.