I'm a woman "of a certain age" and I have a "man's voice"...

[NurseJackie]

Last edited Sat Aug 7, 2021, 06:05 PM - Edit history (1)

I'm a woman "of a certain age" and and I have a "man's voice". Sadly, I used to smoke cigarettes... so in many regards, I guess it's my own fault. Because of age, and because of the abuse of my vocal cords, my voice now sounds a bit gravelly. Not "weak" like a sweet old lady, but hoarse and a bit masculine.

Still, I get annoyed when I call a customer-service line and the voice at the end of the line calls me "sir". And even when I tell them my name, it doesn't help because it's a non-binary name that's suitable for both men and women.

Most of the time, I don't even bother to correct them. They're just being as professional and courteous as they can be... they don't know me and they can't see me.

But it still bothers me... it's just how I sound. I wish I'd never smoked cigarettes. (But I'm over five years smoke-free!)

[hlthe2b]

1. Voice therapy can help if you are really bothered by the changes...

so, too can hormone replacement therapy (HRT) in post-menopausal women.

[NurseJackie]

3. If I do a soft-whisper (Marilyn Monroe-ish) then it sounds more feminine...

... but that's really not an ideal solution. Thanks for checking-in.

[keithsw]

2. My mom was the same way

But she never did quit until she got very ill. I'm glad you quit and I'm sure you are too.

[NurseJackie]

5. Yes... not only do I feel better (and smell better)...

... but there's SO MUCH MONEY SAVED!!! It's insane how much people waste on smoking.

I know the frustration of watching people who are ill (and on oxygen) continue to smoke. It's a powerful addiction.

[keithsw]

16. So true!

My sister and her husband are lifelong smokers. S he told me they spend right around $500 a month on cigs! And I believe her. But as you know and stated, the addiction is so strong...

[smirkymonkey]

27. Wow! That is a serious chunk of change to be spending on a bad habit.

Imagine what they could do with that money if they quit?

[a kennedy]

41. Hardest thing I ever did was quit smoking...5-2-2005. But, was the best thing I've ever done as well.

So proud of you.

[NurseJackie]

42. Thanks! And congrats to you as well...

... I try my best not to be an anti-smoking crusader... BUT... if anyone asks my opinion or for advice and encouragement, I'll GLADLY give it to them. It's tough, and peer encouragement is a big motivator too.

[tblue37]

20. My mom, too.

[csziggy]

4. I never smoked cigarettes but I have a deep voice for a woman

And have been called "Sir" more than once by customer service people. I prefer that to the people that call for my husband and call me "Mrs. Hislastname" - I never took his surname and want to disabuse people of the assumption that a woman at the same number of a man is automatically his wife. I take a good amount of satisfaction giving them a hard time about their assumption.

On the other hand my deep voice made it possible for my father to be able to hear me much longer than any of my sisters. He lost his hearing over the years starting with the higher registers. My low voice was easier for him to hear and understand for at least a decade before he went profoundly deaf.

[NurseJackie]

8. Thanks for your comments...

want to disabuse people of the assumption that a woman at the same number of a man is automatically his wife. I take a good amount of satisfaction giving them a hard time about their assumption.

I loved reading this part.

My low voice was easier for him to hear and understand for at least a decade before he went profoundly deaf.

My dad was the same way. At the time we didn't understand why... but it was certainly frustrating for everyone.

[genxlib]

23. It goes both ways

My wife never took my name and I often get sales people calling me by Mr Herlastname

I usually just say “close enough”.

If nothing else, it instantly identifies them as a sales call

[csziggy]

28. Oh, we get that too

But given my surname, my husband is OK with it since it implies he is the perfect man.

I ran my own business for decades so many of the people know me by my full name and never bothered to ask about my husband's name. They were always surprised when I introduced him by his full name or it came up in conversation.

You'd think after over forty years of marriage, word would have gotten out - but even one of our nephews sent a wedding invitation to Mr. & Mrs. Hislastname. I didn't attend since I was not invited.

[tishaLA]

6. Congratulations on quitting

It's tough. I quit years ago and still feel like having one every now and then. I was very lucky my apartment building went smoke-free so I have a rock solid reason not to relapse.

[NurseJackie]

9. Congrats to you as well! I have an app on my phone that keeps a running total...

... of how much I've saved by not smoking. It's inspiring (and embarrassing to realize how much I wasted in the past.)

[mwooldri]

7. I used to work customer service for nearly 20 years.

My voice broke early, and didn't complete its transition to what I would consider a male voice. Stuck there between male and female.

Co-workers would certainly hear me say all too frequently "I am not a woman". Some days it did get me frustrated, and some days questioning my own gender. I certainly get where you come from, especially with the "they can't see me" part... though in my second main "customer service" job the people I served had an opportunity to see me once a year if they so wished.

Hearing a gender is especially hard if who you're listening to is transgender and has a distinctly high or low pitch voice. One person I worked with (albeit remotely) was M2F and she went by Samantha, but often got shortened to Sam, and her voice was definitely "male".

At this point in my life, it's a case of best guess when on the phone (with no visual cues), if unsure ask, and if corrected roll with it. It's kind of why I prefer to do any customer service things by email or text as opposed to a phone call.

Glad you're smoke free. Nasty habit.

[NurseJackie]

10. Fascinating info... interesting to hear that perspective too.

Even though it's annoying to me, I really don't blame them personally... they're just doing the best they can.

[11 Bravo]

11. Goodonya for quitting!

I smoked for almost 30 years, then was diagnosed with throat cancer. Surgery and radiation worked, and I'm still on the right side of the dirt, but like you, I can no longer hit the high notes.

As an educator for over 40 years I have told literally hundreds of my students about walking into the bathroom at home, sitting on the edge of the tub, and weeping after receiving my diagnosis ... wondering if I would live to see my two young sons grow up.

If I convinced even one of them to never start smoking, then I'm content.

[NurseJackie]

14. Congrats to you also...

... sorry to hear about your struggles. Glad you're still here.

[yonder]

12. Congratulations NJ! That's quite a feat.

I've never smoked but knowing myself and other smokers (reformed or not), I am confident I would not have been able to quit.

I say we'll done and despite your regrets, no one can take that accomplishment away from you.

[NurseJackie]

29. Thank you.

[CatWoman]

13. LOL!!!!

Welcome to my world.

People mistake me for a man all the time when on the phone.

Many times me and the person on the other end get a good laugh out of it.

[NurseJackie]

32. It's not something I think of often, or dwell on...

... but sometimes I can't help but be reminded (when on the phone).

Oh well. I'm still here and not smelling of cigarettes... so that's the best part.

[Raine]

15. Congrats on being 5yrs smoke free! 🎉 👍 nt

[NurseJackie]

36. Thank you very much. I could have never quit cold-turkey.

Instead, I used patches and gum.

[a kennedy]

43. Wellbutrin was my drug of choice to get off tobacco........I needed it to just calm me down.

I found I was just so nervous and jittery and always thinking when can I have a smoke, Wellbutrin calmed my down so I could get passed the urge for a smoke. Never would have quit if not for it.

[ProfessorGAC]

17. A Friend Of My Wife's....

...has an unusually low voice. This has happened to her since she & my wife were in college, and they graduated in 1976.
She smoked in the past, too. But, it's more about nature with her.
Funny thing though, is that I was pals with her brother. (We were both on the BoD of a community credit union.)
He had a higher pitched voice than his sister, and he was a 6'2", 220# police captain.
Brother & sister at opposite ends of the voice spectrum.

[NurseJackie]

37. That's strange... and interesting.

Until reading these replies, it hadn't occurred to me that men could also be troubled with a similar annoyance.

[treestar]

18. Women's voices get lower with age

When there is someone you can compare with their young self, you notice it. For example there is a video of Hillary giving a speech at her college graduation.

Men's get softer, losing their edge.

[NurseJackie]

38. Now that you mention it... you're absolutely right.

Hillary doesn't sound gravelly or raspy... but it's definitely lower. (But poor Bill Clinton... with all the loud speaking he's done throughout his career, he's really caused some damage to his vocal cords.)

[lostnfound]

19. Try to lean into it

Instead of seeing it as an annoyance or a burden, maybe think of it as an opportunity that many women don’t have — a chance to see how men are treated, a chance to see it with wry humor, imagine your ‘animus’ is getting a moment in the sun.

Good for you for quitting.

[NurseJackie]

24. It's a lot like Kathleen Turner...

... if you know what she sounds like now. (Thanks for the encouragement and kind words )

[WhiskeyGrinder]

21. Kathleen Turner!!

[Skittles]

22. she is such a grand dame

love her!

[NurseJackie]

60. I loved her in "War of the Roses"

[Skittles]

61. I just want to smash your face in!

OMG that is a GREAT movie

Have you caught those two on the Kominsky Method? Good stuff!

[NurseJackie]

25. Yep. Exactly.

She's tough.

[BannonsLiver]

26. Congrats Jackie!

5 years is awesome. Not to make light, I hope this will make you chuckle, but as a kid I was never afraid to call a business and ask questions. If I saw an ad in the paper, or whatever, I regularly called businesses. I used to call and make restaurant reservations for family dinners because it felt very adult.

And they thought I was a girl every time. To my pre pubescent self this was quite a blow to the ego. But for a while it was not uncommon to hear me correct someone on the phone, “Excuse me sir but I’m not a ma’m.”

Anyway I guess I know it feels on some level. I’m sorry you’re going through that, but hope you don’t let it get you down too much. I’ve always had a thing for Sally Kellerman’s voice.

[NurseJackie]

39. Thank you! It was difficult, but I'm glad I made it. Now I wonder why I didn't quit sooner.

I enjoyed reading your story and recollections. (And I like Sally Kellerman too... hard to believe she's 84.)

[wackadoo wabbit]

30. I have the same "problem," but I consider it a gift

I've never smoked, but I've always had a low voice. I was a contralto in high school; now I'm a tenor or baritone. I could sing bass easier than I could sing contralto these days.

I can call customer service and say that I'm my husband. No one has ever questioned me. It's a very handy gift to have, especially if an account (e.g., eBay) has only one name attached to it and was in his name.

If you want to be identified as a woman, though, I do have a hack for you. Women tend to end sentences on a higher note than men, In an exaggerated form, it almost sounds as if every sentence is almost a question. (Also, women often speak more "musically" — i.e., not all the same tone — than men.) So you, like me, probably end your sentences on a lower tone. If you make a point of ending your sentences on a higher note, you'll usually be thought to be a woman.

Men often get better customer service than women, though, especially with male Indian call operators (I hope this doesn't sound racist; it's just been my experience), so if I were you, I'd embrace my low voice.

Congratulations on quitting smoking!

[NurseJackie]

40. Hey there! Thanks for your insights and suggestions!

I can call customer service and say that I'm my husband.

I'll have to try that. It would be a time-saver in some instances. (Appointments, insurance, etc.)

[wackadoo wabbit]

55. Absolutely! I've found it to be incredibly handy /nt

[nolabear]

31. I don't know...Kathleen Turner's voice turns my knees to butter.

I’ve got a fairly deep woman’s voice too, and still a bit of a Southern accent. I consider myself exotic. 😃

[NurseJackie]

44. Are those.... pussy willows?

[NurseJackie]

58. I found it... a quick clip from the movie "Serial Mom"

[nolabear]

59. LOL! She's so evil. And so good.

[Shellback Squid]

33. greet them first with a strong greeting. stating your name with great emphasis

justathought

[NurseJackie]

46. Good idea! I had also thought of including my middle name too... it's not gender-neutral...

... and if the customer service rep is paying attention, they'd get the idea.

[Shellback Squid]

49. that's a great idea

[Niagara]

34. Congratulations on your achievement.

I know it's not easy. I went cold turkey and I'm 553 days smoke free.



On occasion I will dream that I'm smoking, get upset because I'm smoking and eventually wake up relieved that it was all a dream.

[NurseJackie]

47. You are not alone! I have the SAME DREAM!! It's maddening!

In my dream I'm asking myself "Why am I smoking?" and "Why did I start again?" and "Now I have to go through the pain of quitting again!"

Congratulations on 553 days! (At $6.00 a pack, that's $3318.00 you've saved.)

[mcar]

35. I've always had a deep voice

and have gotten mistaken for a man on phone calls for most of my adulthood - even when I was a very girly 20 and 30 something.

The deep voice and a lifetime of allergies have left my voice hoarse too. I knew it was worse but spending time with my new granddaughter has brought it home. I never had much of a singing voice but I can't even come close to singing her a lullaby - my voice breaks constantly.

Congratulations on 5 years smoke free! I quit in 1982, when I was in my early 20s. I still remember how hard it was.

[NurseJackie]

50. Thanks very much! I'm glad you quit early... congrats!

... I smoked for over 50 years. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Oh, I was being so glamorous and sexy. Hanging out with all the cool kids. I never realized how much it made me STINK until after I quit. I'm so embarrassed now that others had to endure the fact that everything smelled like stale cigarettes: hair, clothes, house, car, breath. Yuk!

[mcar]

52. Even when I smoked, I couldn't stand the smell

How stupid was I. But yes, glamorous, sexy and cool from 16-23. Even in that short time, it was hard to quit.

My BIL is a near-50 year smoker and his health is suffering. He still can't quit though. My sister worries a good bit about him.

[Maru Kitteh]

45. I once had a patient named Larry who was the sixth daughter of a man

who apparently, desperately, wanted a boy

He told his wife we're naming this one Larry, even if it's a girl. And they did.

She had the most wonderful sense of humor about it. She was the bomb-diggity.


Wonder what customer service was like for her? lol.

[NurseJackie]

56. That's very interesting. I've known one Larissa who was named after her father...

... and his name was Lawrence (Larry) but nobody called her Larry. It's good that your patient knew how to roll with it.

[USALiberal]

48. I know how hard it is to stop smoking, you should be proud of yourself for that!!

[NurseJackie]

57. Thank you very much. Among ex-smokers there's an understanding that exists...

... about how painfully difficult it is to quit for most of us. I had tried and failed several times in the past.

I never wanted to be an anti-smoking crusader... but I'm always eager to help anyone who wants advice or encouragement.

[marie999]

51. I tried to quit smoking twice and both tries failed.

So what I did when I ran out of cigarettes was tell myself not to buy any until I really wanted one but I wasn't quitting. That was over 40 years ago and I still don't want a cigarette.

[NurseJackie]

53. You...

... ROCK! Congratulations!