I'm heartbroken. How can people be so cruel?

[NurseJackie]

This is a rant. A mild one. But it's still a rant. --- Over the years, I have used Facebook and Google searches to locate old friends from my HS and college years. Sometimes successful, often not.

Earlier this week, I continued my search for an old "boyfriend" of mine. He was not a romantic friend, we were just movie-friends, double-dates and dances and study-partner. We lost touch over time. --- In my online search, I found the obituaries for both his parents. However, in their obits, my friend David was not listed as a surviving OR as a pre-deceased relative.

On Facebook, I discovered a closed/private hometown group for the town I grew up in... and I was able to connect with even MORE old friends (who still live in our small Georgia town). --- I started asking about David, and I found out that he had died.

Well, okay... I have stopped being shocked to find out that someone my age has died. But what broke my heart was the fact that he died from HIV/AIDS. And, yes, that's tragic in and of itself... but when he came home to die, he needed to moved in with his parents. Although they sheltered and took care of him, they told nobody that he was home, that he was dying... they just kept it a secret.

When he died, it was a "direct burial". No embalming. No viewing. No funeral. No obituary. No memorial. No service. No announcement. No headstone. No NOTHING!!! It was as if David never existed. It was the early 90's and they were afraid of what the neighbors would think... and he came from a very fundamentalist type of family.

I'll bet the old family dog got a better send-off than what they gave to David. I'm heartbroken. Sad that he's gone, but heartbroken that they treated him that way... even in death. Their own son and brother! A sweet and kind soul. But they sweep it away without a second thought.

I never knew he was gay. It never even crossed my mind... but looking back, I guess it makes sense. Still, it wasn't something I thought about much back then.

Rest in peace, David. You were loved. Your life had meaning. You are remembered.

Thanks for listening.

[FSogol]

1. Nice memorial for your friend. N/t

[NurseJackie]

22. Thank you.

[Solly Mack]

2. Thank you.

Because remembering matters.

[NurseJackie]

24. Thanks!

I found out a few days ago... I've been sitting on this. I had to say SOMETHING! Just to vent.

[MustLoveBeagles]

3. My condolences on the loss of your friend

[NurseJackie]

25. I appreciate that.

[Atticus]

4. That you took the time to post that touching remembrance of your friend speaks volumes about

the quality of your character.

I have to think David would be proud that he had you for a friend.

[NurseJackie]

26. Thank you.

He was such a goof. The "class clown". A member of every club at school... even the language clubs for languages he didn't take. It was just a fun way to spend the afternoon.

He was a good guy.

[TomSlick]

5. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry your friend died hidden. I'm sorry for his parents that thought that's what they needed to do. I'm especially sorry for your discovered lost and found pain.

[NurseJackie]

27. Thank you.

[Ms. Toad]

6. My high school sweetheart lost her brother in a housefire recently

She was completely omitted from the obituary. We expected the famly to deadname and misgender her. But they didn't even do that. They expressly stated he was survived by (among others) "one brother." There were three children in the family - not two.

This was earlier this year.

People can be so cruel.

[NurseJackie]

29. I'm sure they loved their son (or they believed they did)...

... but how they treated him in death, well... that's tragic.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. What a beautiful and touching eulogy you've written, my dear NurseJackie...

YES, his life certainly had meaning! All the great times you two shared at the movies, or studying, or whatevering...They meant something to both of you.

I don't know what to say about his parents. To be afraid of what the neighbors might think is just too much. My parents were the same, and I have tried to not let it influence me.

Thank you for posting this amazing eulogy. Now we can grieve with you.

[LisaL]

10. Parents obviously loved him.

They took him in when he was sick.
There was a big stigma on HIV/AIDS back in the day. People were much more scared of it.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

12. You're correct, and this was in Georgia.

I'm sure there were liberals there, but back then? Not too many. Plus people were ignorant about HIV/AIDS.

[NurseJackie]

16. After Rock Hudson and Liberace... but before Freddy Mercury. Yes people were ignorant and afraid.

Including myself. I admit it. --- It's hard to not look at that time in the last century with the knowledge and compassion that we have today.

I remember seeing the AIDS-Quilt for the first time. I had no words. I didn't know.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

18. ....

[BobsYourUncle]

154. During the time that this picture was taken, I was on a flight

from Greensboro, NC to Trenton, NJ, already beginning the descent for landing. From my window seat I saw the quilt and my heart broke. I know several people who should have a place on one of those panels but do not because their families disowned them (the woman who introduced me to my husband paid the final expenses of one of them, the family would have nothing to do with a funeral.)

[NurseJackie]

155. It's maddening and heartbreaking.

the family would have nothing to do with a funeral.)

It's maddening and heartbreaking.

When I first became aware of the AIDS Quilt, I thought it was intended to be a way to tell the world "look how many are dying!" but if you look closer at the fact that each one is custom-made and personalized, it becomes much more than a political or activist statement... it's a memorial that gives us a glimpse of the person. It says "they were here" and "we loved them" and "they mattered to us"... and "they will not be erased or forgotten".

It was an inspired idea. Genius. It addressed so many objectives and so many layers with just a single concept.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NAMES_Project_AIDS_Memorial_Quilt#Display_location

In November 2019 the NAMES Project Foundation and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced that the quilt would relocate to San Francisco under the permanent care and stewardship of the National AIDS Memorial starting in 2020.[61] The Project's archives were gifted to the joint care with the American Folklife Center at the U.S. Library of Congress, allowing for greater public access.[62][63] This action returns the quilt to San Francisco, where the project began.

[Initech]

8. Wow, that is fucked up!

[NurseJackie]

30. That's my reaction too.

[UpInArms]

9. Rest well, David

You were loved

[NurseJackie]

31. Thank you.

[EYESORE 9001]

11. The capacity for human cruelty is boundless, apparently

It’s hardly limited to the famous examples like Pol Pot or Josef Mengele. If it were possible, I’d step off the karmic wheel and try my luck as some other life form - one that had zero contact with humans. People are just too much of a disappointment for my liking.

[NurseJackie]

33. That's a good way to describe it.

[Hekate]

13. Hold the thought that when he came home to die, they took him in...

And you remember him.

[NurseJackie]

20. Yes. And times were different. I know I'm looking 1991 with my 2021 eyes.

I know that I struggled (a little bit) when my sons told me that they were gay... but I just can't imagine ever denying that they existed, no matter what. (I guess social and religious pressures were stronger than their love. That's not a decision I'd have made.)

[Hekate]

62. When I was in high school, pregnant girls were sent away to have their babies...

And it was never spoken of. It never happened. She got herself in trouble. The baby was taken away to be raised by a good family. It was done for her own good.

It was not until my middle years that I was able to crystallize my thoughts into words: that a young woman’s first-born child was to be sacrificed on the altar of respectability. I was a good girl: deep down inside I was terrified.

So many sons and daughters were sacrificed for the “sin” of their unauthorized sexuality, while their parents were outraged and heartbroken and righteous and grief-stricken, sometimes all at the same time. Some of those parents only did the best they knew how, and some did the worst.

Times have changed. Oh, how glad I am that times have changed.

[NurseJackie]

72. Wow...

Some of those parents only did the best they knew how, and some did the worst.

Perfectly said.

[raising2moredems]

139. I've never understood

How supposedly "christian" parents cut ties with their non-heterosexual child(ren). People like this should never had children.
I hope to see the end of organized religion in my lifetime.

[NurseJackie]

153. I know. I cannot comprehend it either. I imagine...

... it's that their love of scripture is greater than their love of family. Your comment reminded me of something I'd once read. I've linked to something similar below... I do not believe this is the original story I read, but it's talking about the same study and conclusions.



https://www.salon.com/2019/01/08/a-link-between-brain-damage-and-religious-fundamentalism-has-now-been-established-by-scientists_partner/

[malaise]

14. Who does that to their own child

People are cruel on steroids - too sad

[NurseJackie]

35. And I remember his parents. I thought they were kind... just "normal" parents.

Honestly, I can't imagine ever denying my gay sons... no matter what the circumstances. Blood is thicker than holy-water.

[COL Mustard]

59. They Were "Normal" For The Time And Place

I doubt they knew how to deal with it, so they dealt with it the best way they could.

Being gay was a huge issue in the South (and still is, in many areas), as you know. I grew up in a neighboring state and anyone who was different was just shut out.

I was glad to be out of there. I still have family there, and I try to see them as often as I can, but their thinking is still mired in the 1950s, at best.

You were a good friend to him. That’s what matters.

[NurseJackie]

74. You're right... they didn't know.

They weren't evil. They just made bad decisions.

[COL Mustard]

78. I'm Not Gay, But

I can only imagine my parents’ reaction if I had been.

It was a hard thing for a lot of people to deal with back in the 70s, and the religious aspect only makes it harder.

[leftieNanner]

66. At least they took him in when he was sick

There are quite a few homeless teens in our area (and elsewhere) who have been thrown out by their parents for coming out.

It is deeply cruel and deeply sad.

[NurseJackie]

76. That's true.

[spanone]

15. k&R

[NurseJackie]

36. Thanks.

[spanone]

111. 'Home' must have been torturous for him.

[mcar]

17. That is so sad

[NurseJackie]

37. I know. Thanks for reading...

... and replying.

[FoxNewsSucks]

19. Religion. That's how.

If they were still alive, I'd say you should send that post to them.

Too many people who grew up in the 50's-60's, or even today in rural areas, would do the same to their kid. Particularly if they belonged to one of those christian fascist brands of religion.

[NurseJackie]

38. I used to be a believer... and you're right. It's something that...

... causes people to do insane things. Things that "normal" people wouldn't even consider. (Plus it was still the early years of HIV/AIDS... but that's no excuse for just sweeping him away in death.)

[EarnestPutz]

21. Really sad, but your nice rememberance does a little to make it better. Nicely done.

[NurseJackie]

39. Thank you.

[localroger]

23. This might not be what you want to hear, but...

I can't speak for David, RIP. But the lack of observances is not necessarily an insult. When my mother passed 6 years ago her ashes were scattered in a little garden the funeral parlor maintains for that purpose. This was by her and my father's request. Dad did host a small remembrance get-together at his house a few months later, but there were none of the usual funerary rites. He has made it clear he wants the same when he passes.

As I do. When I die, I want those who remember me to get roaring drunk, watch a great movie, and remind each other of the great things I did and the great times they had with me. And then they need to forget. Most of us will not be great. We will not be remembered. And it is just postponing the inevitable to erect headstones and have elaborate ceremonies. What matters is what happens while you are alive. And what happened in David's case was that his parents took him in and cared for him. That is what matters.

[NurseJackie]

40. That's something to think about.

[pnwmom]

48. I think you missed a key part of this. His parents prevented him

from seeing his friends and loved ones when he was dying, by keeping his presence with them a secret. How heartless was that?

And, yes, that's tragic in and of itself... but when he came home to die, he needed to moved in with his parents. Although they sheltered and took care of him, they told nobody that he was home, that he was dying... they just kept it a secret.

When he died, it was a "direct burial". No embalming. No viewing. No funeral. No obituary. No memorial. No service. No announcement. No headstone. No NOTHING!!! It was as if David never existed. It was the early 90's and they were afraid of what the neighbors would think... and he came from a very fundamentalist type of family.

[NurseJackie]

51. I understand their motivation and their fear. But it was still cruel. I agree.

Yes, it was a different time. But, I just can't imagine... it's beyond what I can comprehend.

[RVN VET71]

143. The parents ignorant actions were tragic but David's story left me feeling empty

Thinking of a young man wasting away in isolation, so close to friends and acquaintances yet cut off from them, so alone, raised a tear in this craggy old dude’s eye.

[NurseJackie]

156. Thanks for your kind words.

[OnlinePoker]

54. Perhaps he didn't want anybody to know.

If he told no one and told them to keep it secret, it wasn't their secret to tell. I know this is how I've specified things in my will for when it's my time to go. No fanfare, no notice, just cremate me and have done with it.

[pnwmom]

56. He was a gay man who had AIDS. His friends must have known.

But his friends couldn't see him if his parents were more concerned with hiding him.

[NurseJackie]

64. He'd moved from the "big city" of Atlanta back to our little central Georgia...

... hometown. I guess he was "selectively" out. When he ran out of options, he returned home... and really wasn't in a position to start making demands.

I wonder if he was also "ashamed" of himself and wanted to just disappear. It's possible. But I'll never know for sure.

I just know that he deserved better.

[Hekate]

75. It was so common then -- but even now, small towns are places where homogeneity rules...

… and where the “different” seek acceptance where many crossroads meet and the population is in the hundreds of thousands to millions.

[SergeStorms]

86. Maybe a different train of thought.

Try looking at it from your old friend's point of view at that time.

Maybe your friend wanted it that way. It's tough for old friends and lovers to think it could be that way, but perhaps he didn't want a lot of sympathy, a lot of people reminding him of "the way we were".

He'd moved on to a life far different from the life he shared with you and your high school friends. He was a different person altogether. There's a chance he didn't want to relive those years, as I imagine they weren't as "great" for him - being a closeted gay youngster in a small town Georgia - as they were for you.

I'm just playing devil's advocate here, trying to offer a different point of view, so perhaps you can accept this and feel a little better about it. It's plain to see that this bothers you a lot.

I'm not saying this is the way it was, but it is a possibility. Your friend's parents might have been carrying out his final wishes. You'll probably never know for certain, but if it helps you accept this better, it certainly couldn't hurt to entertain the thought.

[csziggy]

89. He may have been worried about the reaction of the people he'd grown up with

It may have been easier for David to die in isolation than to risk the rejection of people he thought of as friends. Sure, now they can discuss him objectively, but years ago before people "evolved" on the subject of homosexuality and during the time that AIDS was thought of as a punishment for it, people in that little town may have been, let's say, less than polite about their responses.

I am sorry for your loss of a friend.

[NurseJackie]

102. That's possible. The thing that makes me most sad...

... is that his brothers/sisters didn't even include him in his parent's obit as "predeceased" (that's pretty standard in middle Georgia.)

Thanks for your kind thoughts.

[csziggy]

104. Yes, that is telling

Perhaps they were more prejudiced than his parents and wanted to forget his very existence.

[pnwmom]

90. It's so sad that on top of everything else, he had to live with parents

who were ashamed of him (whether or not he'd overcome those feelings personally.)

Yes, he deserved better.

[janterry]

106. but you don't know and it might have been for the best

had others in town known, perhaps they would have been angry - scared - worried about infection. You remember those times - in some places people were driven from their homes.

His parents nursed him and loved him. If they mistreated him, turned away his circle of friends (those he was 'out' with) - well, for sure that would be sad.

But many parents did not nurse their dying children back then. The fear of contagion was too great.

Perhaps the love that they gave him was well received? Does he have any siblings? You could reach out to them and pass on some memories and just touch base.

I think that conservative parents in Georgia --at that time, who sheltered and loved their dying son - in the face of widespread fear - I don't know. It could have been an act of courage and love.

I remember the fear. I KNEW I couldn't catch it from casual contact (by then we all knew that). But at that time, when folks had open sores (Kaposi's sarcoma). I don't know. I'm not a nurse - but had I nursed someone with KS at that time, I would have been worried about contagion - the thinking was that you could get it from open sores.

I'm glad he had a place to take him in and (I hope) love him. Many people did not have that.

[sheshe2]

28. RIP, David.

[NurseJackie]

41. Thank you.

[Tadpole Raisin]

32. A very justified rant! That someone you remembered fondly and tried to find again,

only to find out he had died is heartbreaking. It is good his parents took him in (some wouldn’t even have done that), but to not tell anybody meant that friends who would have reached out and been there for him never had the opportunity, and he died without those connections to buoy him.

I suppose it was possible not telling others was his choice but people who lived through that time and struggled with who they were - well I just can’t imagine his pain, emotional and otherwise.

Based on what you said you would have reached out had you known. Both of you were deprived of that.

I’m very sorry!

[NurseJackie]

43. Thank you.

[brer cat]

34. I'm sorry, Jackie.

[NurseJackie]

45. I appreciate that. Thanks.

[femmedem]

42. I'm so sorry, Nurse Jackie. My cousin died the same way, in secret at his parents' home.

Apparently, they told one friend over dinner, and that friend told them to leave his house. They never told anyone else.

But I know that his family accepted him. They were opting to keep a secret that he wanted them to keep, if only because, as you say, people can be cruel.

I'm still haunted by the last time I saw him. We were riding in a car together after burying our grandfather and he said, "Want to play Who Has a Secret?" I lived a thousand miles away. I had no problem telling him a secret that I'd told few others, including my parents. But when it was his turn to reveal his secret, he looked at his sister and said nothing.

But how very, very sad that your friends' parents wouldn't acknowledge him even in an obituary. I understand why you are shaken and need to vent.

[NurseJackie]

47. Thank you.

Even THIRTY YEARS LATER, it's just now "coming out" (for me anyway... others obviously knew sooner.)

It's sad. But it's also a monument to the stupidity and fear and bigotry of the time.

[PatSeg]

44. How truly sad

Lovely and touching that you searched for him and are remembering him now.

[NurseJackie]

49. Thank you, PatSeg.

[bluecollar2]

46. So sorry....n/t

[NurseJackie]

50. Many thanks.

[Treefrog]

52. He may not have been gay, who knows?

I’m a gay woman and I’ve known quite a few men and women who contracted that horrid virus who were not. I worked with an AIDS organization back in the late 80s, early 90s. It broke my heart that they felt it was some sort of gay “plague.”

The stigma of being thought gay kept many from talking to their closest friends and family about their diagnosis. They turned to us, the gay community, for care and understanding. So ironic and so sad.

[NurseJackie]

57. I take your point... but he was gay.

I also learned that his long-time companion/lover had died the previous year. He moved home when his money ran out and when he was too sick to keep a job.

[Treefrog]

61. Very sad.

I lost many friends back in those days.

Sorry you had to learn about your friend that way. But in a way, it’s good. Another person to on or him and remember him.

[TNNurse]

53. You remembered him, cared enough to find out,

and then wrote this tribute. That is important.

I remember the first two AIDs patients I took care of in ICU. One was a prostitute and I remember her father being so worried for the staff that we might get sick. It was long ago. The other was a young gay man. He refused advanced treatment, essentially ventilator support for pneumonia. He knew he would die anyway and he did not want to leave his mother big medical bills. I got a little teary just typing this. He was so sweet.

[NurseJackie]

58. Looking back at 1991 with the knowledge of 2021...

... it just seems so strange. But I guess we were all afraid. The lack of understanding makes compassion even more difficult back in the day.

[cayugafalls]

55. I'm so sorry you found out this way.

Sending hugs and peace for David.

[NurseJackie]

60. That's very sweet. Thank you.

[MontanaMama]

63. Thank you for remembering David

and your tribute to him here. I believe his spirit knows of this wherever he is.

[NurseJackie]

65. I hope so.

[gerryatwork]

67. I'm sorry about your friend..

I was thinking if you or someone could locate his gravesite and erect a proper headstone. I don’t have extra money but would definitely contribute to the effort. Im sure others here would also.

Maybe an obituary or “In Memoriam” can be placed in the local paper. In hindsight all this might be better received now than 30 years ago.

[NurseJackie]

77. That's a lovely idea. I'll bring it up with other friends...

... and his nieces/nephews. You're very kind to suggest it.

[Pacifist Patriot]

68. I could have written this post.

Change David to Riley and small Georgia town to Atlanta suburb. I learned the truth when I watched "It's a Sin" on HBO earlier this year and got to talking with an old high school friend who thought I knew the story. It's beyond tragic how many men were just erased in the 80s and early 90s.

[NurseJackie]

79. Yes... erased. But our love and memories are stronger.

[Pacifist Patriot]

140. Absolutely

Riley lives on. ❤

[orleans]

135. a number of years ago someone told me an old friend of mine

from 8th & 9th grade (we were as thick as thieves for those years when we were kids) went off to new york in search of an acting/theatre career after he graduated high school and said he died of AIDS a year later.

since that time i've googled his name and can never find anything (obituary or anything else) about him. when you said "it's beyond tragic how many men were just erased in the 80s and early 90s" you aren't kidding.

that prompted me to google again. and today i found an obituary and picture of him in "theatre world 1994-1995 season vol. 51" ) he died in 1994 (which is far later than i thought)

he was 36! (i was told he was much much younger when he died.) he was a playwright! and had two off broadway shows! he worked in cabarets. he had a companion! (who was/is also an actor--and his name was included so i googled again and he appears to still be living and doing theater in ny.) survived by his father, sister, and brother (part of a religious family), there was a photo of him--all grown up (at 36) and beautiful!

it is tragic how many men were just erased.

[NurseJackie]

152. I'm glad you posted that. Thank you.

[LymphocyteLover]

69. Thanks for remembering him

That story is crazy

[NurseJackie]

80. It took my breath away. I read and chatted in disbelief...

... and I cried later.

[bluboid]

70. Thank you, Nurse Jackie, for your loving story about a treasured friend...

it reminds all of us how fragile life is.

[NurseJackie]

82. Thank you.

[SkylineChili]

71. You remember

You remember him and you honor him. That is a wonderful thing in the midst of such heartbreak. Thank you for sharing this story. We can honor him too.

[NurseJackie]

83. That's very kind of you. Thank you.

[George II]

73. Nice that you were able to track him down and find out about his life. Although they appeared....

....to be ashamed of him, at least they took him in for his last days/months.

So many gay men haven't even been that lucky. I've seen stories of a number of men who were disowned by their parents and families when they came out. "Afraid of what the neighbors would think" indeed! It's a time for families and friends to support them, not ostracize them.

Years ago I knew someone who was in France at college. He got in touch with his family when he was over there and told them he was gay. They immediately disowned him and he was devastated. A couple of days later his roommate came home from his classes and found him hanging in the closet. How horrible! How cruel!

On the other hand when my youngest brother came out just about everyone in the family basically shrugged their shoulders and said, "so what?" It didn't change anything, in fact some of us felt even closer to him after that (a couple of us suspected it anyway)

So glad that you posted this, and good that you remember him if no one else will.

[NurseJackie]

84. Thank you my friend.

[soldierant]

107. I had similar thoughts ...

"At least they took him im." They probably thought they were sinning on a level with what they considered his sin to do so. They may have been overwhelmed with guilt. Just because they kept slience does not mean they were not suffering.

Sure, they were wrong. Yes, they were cruel. But there's plenty of blame to go around to their own parents and their churches and the society which taught them to be so cruel.

[NurseJackie]

113. You make some valid observations.

[niyad]

81. A truly righteous rant, and a beautiful tribute to your friend.

[NurseJackie]

85. That's much appreciated. Thank you.

[Maeve]

87. I wish I could say I've never heard of such behavior

But I can't. You are righteous in ranting; such behavior adds to the sorrow of the loss.
We remember the time period with anger for the stupidity and callousness. If there is one good reason for the hope of an afterlife, it would be that we get to comfort those who were hurt so carelessly.
Peace, my friend.

[NurseJackie]

92. That means a lot to me.

Thank you.

[Joinfortmill]

88. Hold onto the thought that they took him home

and cared for him. Many families didn't even do that. It was another crazy period in our lives.

[NurseJackie]

93. Small comforts. Yes. I know...

... thank you.

[llmart]

91. That's a beautiful tribute.

Everyone likes to think that at least someone will remember them after they're gone. You are a truly kind person to take the time just to write down your tribute to him.

[NurseJackie]

94. Thank you.

I appreciate that.

[Grumpy Old Guy]

95. That is indeed a sad story.

I'm sorry to hear it.

[NurseJackie]

98. Thank you!

I appreciate that.

[IronLionZion]

96. Conservatives can definitely be heartless and cruel

I had a relative who couldn't have a church funeral because drug overdoses are considered suicide.

[NurseJackie]

99. Heartbreaking. I'm sorry to hear it.

And... yes they can be cruel.

[Harker]

97. In my world, the "afterlife" is what you leave in others' hearts

He chose a good friend in you.

[NurseJackie]

100. That's a lovely thought. Thank you.

That means a lot to me.

[Harker]

101. ...

[MyOwnPeace]

103. YOU are part of "It Takes a Village" - this is YOUR moment........

Nursie, I think you have touched on one part of the sadness and pain of this issue: you're looking at something from years ago with 2021 eyes. So many pains to go around: the agony of having to 'come home to die' - the parents realizing the kind of life the child that they love has been living (not the 'gay' part - but how he had to deal with all of the related issues, including 'coming out' to his own parents - "What could we have done? How could we be so blind?) - the friends (like you) that could have/would have been there to be of comfort and aid.

Of all of the things that Ronnie Raygun screwed up - his refusal to acknowledge the HIV/AIDS problem as it was exploding in his time was one that truly hurt SO many of his 'Hollywood' friends, because they were all to familiar with that very issue. And just as we've seen in the 'COVID years' - leadership matters.

If ONE DU'er decides to 'reach-out' to someone that is 'suffering' and wanting/needing help or support - you've done a great thing to honor David - and I'm sure that the thought of your deed would give him great comfort - and it is well deserved.

PEACE......

[NurseJackie]

132. Thank you for your thoughts and kind words.

[left-of-center2012]

105. Was he from western Pennsylvania?

This happened to someone I knew when I was living near Pittsburgh, Pa (where I grew up)

I knew him as a coworker. We worked for a small drugstore chain (which later joined the Rite Aid drugstore chain). We worked together a year or two around 1964 - 66.
We were friendly at work, but not social friends -- didn't hang out.
After a year or so he was transferred to a new store and I moved out-of-state to a different job; we did not keep in touch.

A few years ago I was looking up people from my past and saw a few mentions of him.
One said he was in a hospice facility and the family requested no visitors.
The next mentioned his death, but no obit with any info of any kind other than the funeral would be private for immediate family only. No info on place of burial. Really no info but that he had died.

Having known 17 people over the decades (friends, coworkers, acquaintances) who have died of HIV/AIDS I wondered if that was the case in this former coworker's death.

[NurseJackie]

116. No, but my husband's family is from there ...

... so i have a good idea what you're talking about.

[left-of-center2012]

120. The store chain was called White Cross. n/t

[MyOwnPeace]

134. WOW! THAT brings back memories.....

like so many other long-gone businesses here in W. PA - Gold Circle - PharMor - David Weis - Kauffmann's - Gimbels - Hornes.... oh, and K-Mart and Sears...

[left-of-center2012]

137. I also worked at Kaufmann's downtown Pittsburgh

In the ladies shoe department.

It was on the ground floor right next to an exit and outside was a bus stop for about 6 different routes.

And in the winter women would come in and try on shoes while waiting for their bus.
.
But at one point they would look at their watch and run for the door to catch the bus,
leaving me with boxes of shoes to put away.

[Laura PourMeADrink]

108. + 1000000

[NurseJackie]

126. That's a lot...

... I thank you.

[Laura PourMeADrink]

144. Sorry didn't put commas in:) Your story is an incredible

horror and so sad and heartbreaking. All we can hope for is that your friend helped in some minor way to pave the masses to awareness

[keopeli]

109. The 80s and early 90s were terrible for being gay. It was sheer misery.

I remained closeted out of abject fear until 1994. It took real courage to come out back then. I was disowned by at least half of my friends. I only told my mom who said my dad would disown me if he found out. I had a lot of friends who died in the late 80s, early 90s from AIDS. I'm ashamed now that I didn't tell them I was gay, though I did comfort them and mourn their loss. I was young, yes, but the society was different. When I came out in 1994, a big part of my reasoning was that I needed to break the stigma so, in the future, gay kids could come out without fear. AIDS was the leading cause of death among my peers, but the second was suicide.

Today, I'm proud of where we've come. Most kids can be openly gay without too much blowback, though it's still there. My great nephew is gay. He came out at 14. It's tough because our family is still fundamentalist, but because I broke down the stigma, our family now openly supports him. They don't want him to have to go through what they saw me deal with and the lifelong repercussions. He turns to me for advice and as a mentor. I'm very proud of that. But, I paid dearly to move my family towards being loving and accepting.

Realize that our country was different back then. I mourn for your loss and I am heartbroken by what he had to live through. I know that path very well. But, to know that his family did care for him is quite something. To know there was at least some support that he could get is a blessing that most of us did not have.

I just want to add that living in the horrible, divided, cruel, and heartless culture that we have today does start to resemble the quality of life gay people had back then. You know that haters and bullies are all around you. There is never a moment when you can let your guard down. You expect trouble when you interact with the public. You are no longer surprised by the cruelty you see and experience every day in the most mundane of circumstances. It's a very sad commentary of how we have devolved as a nation. But, there is reason to believe things can get better. I never would have dreamed that gay people would be able to marry in my lifetime, yet it happened. I never would have thought my father would accept me openly, yet he has. We don't know the future, but if we aim for the best and keep our hope alive, anything is possible.

Thanks for sharing, NurseJackie. I'm sorry for your loss and heartbreak.

[NurseJackie]

125. Thank you.

Things are better. But we can still do better.

Be well.

[Phil the Kilibuster]

110. WAS he gay?

People get HIV and AIDS via straight sex, too.

[NurseJackie]

112. Yes. His significant other, lover, had also died before him.

I take your point... but his sexual orientation is not in question.

[Phil the Kilibuster]

114. Okay

Thanks for clarifying.

[mgardener]

115. I read this earlier and I could not comment

First of all, thank you for posting this and remembering your friend.
It was a fitting tribute to him.
I took a moment to remember my friend, Bobby.
We met after his father died. My dad had died earlier and families started doing things together.
I never would have passed chemistry without him, learned to drive on ice or get over my fear of flying.. His death was very different then David's, because he came out to family and friends. He died of a heart attack before he was 40.
I still miss him.
Tonight I will raise a glass tonight to Bobby and David .

[NurseJackie]

117. Thank you...

... the friends who shape our formative years are always with us.

[Moebym]

118. He suffered two deaths.

One from HIV/AIDS, the other from his existence being all but erased.

I'm glad that he at least had you to remember him and pass his memory on to others.

[NurseJackie]

119. Yes Too many. Too soon.

Thank you.

[LAS14]

121. What a sad story. nt

[NurseJackie]

123. I've been sitting on this for a few days...

... processing, thinking. I had to share. Thanks for reading.

[GeoWilliam750]

122. If you can find where he was buried, and can afford a small marker

It may be a nice way to remember an old friend

[NurseJackie]

124. That's a lovely idea. I will...

... bring it up when I chat with mutual friends.

[cate94]

127. I'm so sorry

My brother died of AIDS in ‘93. He moved in with my mom 6 months before he passed. Everyone in our family helped in one way or another. I was proud of us.

My boss wanted me to NOT say he died from AIDS in his obituary. Wtf? I was the Administrator of his estate, no one was telling me what was being said in his obituary. We were not ashamed of him, he was a wonderful man. ( one of my other brothers was ashamed, but I didn’t worry about him either.)

Thank you for your wonderful tribute to your friend.

[NurseJackie]

128. Thanks for sharing that cate94...

... you did good.

[PurgedVoter]

129. Your take is probably right but it is possible that there is another perspective

My wife and I live in Texas, in a red, red area. On both sides of our family we have had amazing disappointments and we have some real issues that would make us not want to have the other suffer through any contact with our own side of the family.
We both hate the idea of a funeral, reception or memorial. We don't even want to waste the time putting a comment in the paper. We would rather donate our bodies to The Farm than throw any money into the funeral industry.

Bless your friend, but this could have been part of his wishes. Sometimes one would rather quietly disappear than have conservatives gather over your remains. One never knows.

I have had bright friends die of aids and trans friends quietly pass. This world is often cruel to the most gentle and thoughtful.

Again Bless him and may whatever part of his being that the universe holds on to, find a blissful existence.

[NurseJackie]

130. Thank you.

[dsc]

131. It was a huge fear of mine when I realized I was gay in that era

that I would catch AIDS and die. I resolved that if I were to catch it I would end my life before it became obvious so that I wouldn't be a burden to my parents. Obviously I didn't get it, I was both lucky and good apparently, but I still remember the fear.

[NurseJackie]

133. I'm sorry you had to even consider that as a possibility...

... glad you're here. Thanks for sharing.

[dsc]

142. thanks

I have to admit, I never thought then, that I would see age 50. But to see that age and see people refusing a vaccine for a deadly disease, I just can't get my mind around it. I just can't.

[Ilsa]

136. A beautiful tribute. Thank you.

I'm not surprised that our state (Georgia) is known for high sex trafficking, especially of children, when attitudes toward LGBTQ are so pervasively ugly. We have so many teens that are tossed out of their homes when they come out to their families, and they can be taken advantaged of and forced into the sex industry to survive.

It's too bad David's parents are dead. A frank, but not unkind, letter to them about how much you respected him and wished his life had been celebrated might have been an eye-opener.

[NurseJackie]

138. Thank you. David would have been in his 70s...

... same as me. He missed out on so much. So many others did too, I know he wasn't the only one. But he was my friend...a gentle soul.

[yonder]

141. He sounds like he was a nice guy -- what a sad story.

Though not knowing him, he deserved far more than he got.

I'll light a candle and pay my respects, through you, while placing this unknown man and his unfilled potential into my thoughts.

This is so damn sad.

[NurseJackie]

148. Thank you so much.

[notinkansas]

145. I'm sure that David deserved better and

shame on his family for treating him so badly. And kudos to you for your warm remembrance of him.

[NurseJackie]

149. Thank you. They were ignorant...

... and fearful. They obviously had some love, but their bigotry and fear won the battle in the end.

Yes, I think he deserved better too.

[station agent]

146. So sorry, much love

[NurseJackie]

150. Many thanks.

[TexasBushwhacker]

147. I've heard this story before

Jay was one of my be high school classmates back in the early 70s. We weren't friends, but we were in the same general group that gone to school together since 7th grade. I just remember him as being in kind of goofy and socially awkward. He was the president of the Young Republicans club. We all graduated in 1975.

Fast forward 10 years. My mother was a math teacher at a local middle school and Jay was one of the PE teachers! They had the same conference period and became friends - real friends. She said he was still kind of goofy.

Then he got sick and had to leave on disability. He didn't get better and then he died. My mom found out Jay was gay and died from AIDS. There was a funeral and she went with a couple of teacher friends. She wanted to express her condolences to his family, but they weren't there; not a single one of them.

[NurseJackie]

151. Heartbreaking...

but they weren't there; not a single one of them.

Heartbreaking. It's so senseless. Sometimes love doesn't win, I guess. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Peacetrain]

157. Dear NJ.. my heart breaks for you and I remember the fear of those days

To think that they do not honor him along with preceding family members who have crossed over in current obits truly is like they have tried to erase him.. and you have put him back and he is in all our memories now. He will not be forgotten.. David I will say a prayer just for you today at church.. you will be remembered because of the love and grace of an old friend. Hugs Nurse Jackie..


For David

[NurseJackie]

159. Thank you. That's very sweet.

[Irish_Dem]

158. This thread is at long last giving David the funeral he deserved.

Kudos to you NJ.

[NurseJackie]

160. I had not thought of it that way... that's lovely.

[Irish_Dem]

161. It is a lovely funeral service.

[Lulu KC]

162. I am so sorry

That is a very sad story, in so many ways. Poor David. Poor you.

[NurseJackie]

163. Thank you. I know that I'm looking at this...

... with the standards, norms and knowledge that we've all gained in the past 30+ years. I try to remind myself that "things were different" then. But... for parents and siblings to deny that he ever existed. It's unconscionable.

I appreciate your kind words.

[budkin]

164. Thank you for sharing that

He deserves to be remembered fondly.

[NurseJackie]

165. Thank you. That means a lot to me.