My in-law family drive me mad. What advice can you give me?

[Doodley]

I've got an uncle - wife's father's brother. Here's what he said about coronavirus yesterday: "They brought it into America from China to help the Democrats win with all the postal votes. They know how to stop it, but they won't. They are withholding it from the public. Masks don't do a damn thing."

Then my wife's brother is an anti-vaxxer, climate denier who thinks masks don't work. I never see him now because in other ways he has proven to be a selfish bastard, such as taking care of his parents--he left it to me and my wife. His kids (in their twenties) believe the same stuff. We are seeing one of them tomorrow.

My wife gets upset with me when I express how I feel about them, which is that I believe all their willingness to believe conspiracy theories without evidence is because they are racist. What advice can you offer me?

[BlackSkimmer]

1. Sorry, I wouldn't have anything to do with people like that.

You have my sympathies.

[ProfessorGAC]

4. That's My Take, Too

Why bother? Why get one's blood pressure up over know-it-alls who know nothing?

[Doodley]

10. My BP is sky high. Put me in hospital a few times. Keep taking more meds.

[lpbk2713]

12. Sexual intellectuals.

Fuggen know-it-alls.

[alwaysinasnit]

2. Sorry, I've got nothing but digital hugs to give you.

[Doodley]

11. Thank you.

[Timewas]

3. Personally

For myself I would not allow then in my house, I have already done this and for myself and my wife and others that I am around that is safest way to go...They don't care about others why should we care about them..

[sarcasmo]

6. Agreed. Keep them out of your grid space. Yikes!

[Doodley]

8. My wife isn't on the same page. We are already strained because of her family.

[Ocelot II]

5. Avoid them like the plague. Strangely, we are in the middle of an actual plague

that some people inexplicably are doing nothing to avoid. But nobody needs toxic people in their life, so do what you can to keep away from them. If you do get stuck with them just tell them you don't want to hear their bullshit, and don't even try to argue with them. Walk away.

[TheBlackAdder]

37. THIS 👍 I'd also like to have him cite all of his references to see who is perverting his mind.

[MLAA]

7. I'm so sorry.

I have an unrepentant Trumper evangelical hypocrite. I just stopped engaging with him. I just can’t give any validation to his bs even by just talking to him about non-politics. I think those folks need to feel some consequences to their craziness. And I agree much if not all for the non top 1 percent stems from racism.

[dchill]

9. Fart spray?

[betsuni]

13. Serenity now!

[JHB]

14. If you can manage to establish a "no politics or religion at family gatherings" rule, it might help

...but that works best when it's a long-standing rule. If they're used to mouthing off at will, compliance is likely to be... difficult.

[Doodley]

16. Yes, I think that works for the young ones.

[Sgent]

50. We've had that rule

in my family for decades mostly because my Uncle and one cousin went off the reservation. That said, it does mostly work -- although the two adults are allowed to go into another room to continue the conversation if they wish.

[dem4decades]

15. Tell your wife you're done with the idiots, life's too short.

[cadoman]

17. hang tight, and when the time comes, turn them into the feds for mandatory vaccination

If you make a big deal about it now they'll know who did it, so just lay low for the moment.

[NewHendoLib]

18. Ignore and avoid

[vlyons]

19. First and foremost don't let it disturb your peace of mind

Ya can't fix stupid. Your inlaws have been brainwashed. No amount of reasoned argument from you will make a dent in their itty bitty closed minds. So don't waste your time. Practice patience and keep your cool. If you're pressed to say anything, say "We'll just have to agree to disagree." and leave it that. If they really drive you nuts, walk out of the room.

Keep the peace and be open minded enough to let them be the way they are. Because guess what? They're going to be the way they are anyway. We can't change other people; we can only change ourselves. Here's another great line, when they say something stupid: Simply say, "Thank you for sharing." Doesn't mean you agree or disagree. It simply means you got their communication.

[roody]

35. But don't let them give you Covid!

[Hortensis]

44. :) THIS, and as others have said similarly. Make your wife happy

with your behavior around her relatives (surely the most important thing for both of you?) by modeling your behavior around them on someone who is able to handle them calmly and competently.

Being accepting and forebearing with her relatives is being loyal to and supportive of her.

Absolutely do not allow their and your behavior to be a problem between you. Worst advice ever!



Becoming permanently estranged from family, while no doubt highly desirable in some cases, is a luxury for those with no duties they feel a need to fulfill and no one they're concerned about hurting by doing that. So, not an option in your case.

And remember, this will pass, or at least ease up, someday.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

20. It sounds to me like this is more about you and your wife than you and her family.

If you're upsetting your wife when you talk about how you feel about her family, you need to have a talk about (a) why you need to share your feelings and (b) why she feels hurt when you do. And then y'all might need to have a conversation about boundaries.

[bhikkhu]

21. I have some friends and relations of one of my best friends who are like that

We usually spend the holidays together. Skipped 2020, but this year it was Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas together. It's all at my good friend's house, where I'm not in charge of the guest list or anything like that, and I wouldn't try to control that anyway.

But as it turned out all three holidays went well; mostly people are smart enough and like each other enough to keep their shit to themselves. At one point during Thanksgiving a small argument (of sorts) over vaccines began. I'd mentioned I was fully vaccinated and a couple individuals were shocked and distraught to hear it - voices were raised. And then immediately my friend, who's house we were gathered in, popped in and yelled "no politics! House rules, take it outside if you want, but none of that shit in my house!"

And that was the end of that. It was just enough of a reminder to change the subject to stuff we could talk about without controversy. Everyone was fine with it. So that's one thing that works, in my experience. I've also been off social media for years, so whatever anyone is sending around or spouting off on or trying to impress people with, I never see it. Which is just fine by me. With my close family we do monthly zoom meetings since the pandemic start, which I think is so much nicer than facebook or whatever else anyway.

[Haggard Celine]

32. I think your friend, the one who doesn't allow political talk in the house,

handled that situation perfectly. I would do the same thing under those circumstances. I don't agree with my dad about politics in general, so I don't discuss politics when he's over here. My mom doesn't let us talk politics when I'm over there. She doesn't even want my dad to watch Fox News when I'm over there, for which I am very grateful.

People in this country are so polarized politically these days that a lot of us are having to come up with solutions to keep families and friends from splitting up. It's a shame we can't have normal conversations about that stuff, but that's the way it is, so a few ground rules can be a big help at keeping things civil.

[Tetrachloride]

22. The parents care and the anti science issues may be at odds

I submit the questions: do you want to win the argument of parents care ? If no, do you want to win the Team Blue vaccine argument ?

I hesitate to propose solutions at this time

[634-5789]

23. Ignorant rants drive your uncle. Family can be toxic, so IGNORE THEM!

You have to learn to distance yourself. Stay away from stupid, selfish people! You don't have to invest your time, health and mental stability to someone who refuses to believe in science. Screw em!

[GoCubsGo]

24. Just ask for proof.

He won't be able to provide it, and I'm betting that just shuts him up. I have a brother like him. Whenever you ask him to provide proof of his idiotic claims, or you provide proof to the contrary, he just changes the subject. His 30-something son is just as bad. He believes every bullshit conspiracy on the planet, and is an anti-vaxxer, in spite of being married to a goddam doctor! Some people are beyond help.

[iemanja]

25. Ask your wife to implement a ban on political talk

And your in-laws will need to stick to it, as will you. We have that at my sister's house because her mother-in-law is a crazy Trumpster. We used to have it because my sister's husband was a Republican, but Trump drove him out of the GOP.

ETA: If they aren't vaccinated, I wouldn't let them in the house. Even my sister's crazy mother-in-law is vaccinated.

[TreasonousBastard]

26. Sounds like your problem is with your wife. She is caught...

between you and her family, which is not a good place be.

You could tell the assholes to just fuck off, but that would not help with your wife.

Just guessing, but a long talk with her, and maybe even a counselor, would be in order. See at least how she feels about the
assholes

[Doodley]

30. Thanks for your perceptive reply. Yes, I think we need help.

[Jilly_in_VA]

27. Stay away from them

Do not have them in your house. Period. And don't go to theirs. If your wife wants to see them, she can go on her own. You are under no obligation to them, especially since they left all the parental care to you and your wife. And since your opinions of them seem to upset her, don't talk to her about them. Express them here instead. This is a safe place.

[Doodley]

31. Thanks for the good advice.

[PTWB]

28. You have a lot of options.

I think the two best options are:

1. Cut them out of your life completely.

2. If you can't cut them out of your life, antagonize the every loving shit out of them. Make them feel ten times more uncomfortable being around you than you feel being around them every time they flap their gums with their right wing MAGA talking points and anti-vaxx conspiracy crap.

[lapfog_1]

29. divorce

there are some stupid genes in that side of the family

[waterwatcher123]

33. Maybe suggest that you watch a funny movie together (Don't Look Up).

While it is being discussed elsewhere on DU, it is a pretty good movie when it comes to capturing the absurdity of our time. It has everything - the deniers, rich donors who control policy, the celebrity obsessed culture, denial of science, and of course, the folks who can not see the forest for the trees (on Netflix).

[redstateblues]

34. My wife lays down the law: No Politics in our house

During family gatherings. Lucky for the Rs as her son is loaded with facts that makes the Rs look foolish.

[roody]

36. You could say,

"Wow. Smooth move on the part of the Dems."

[Hortensis]

49. Lol, right. Maybe the two of them could come up with

a list of similar responses over a bottle of wine. A shrug and "I did read that we're working on that" when told Democrats hate America.

[texasfiddler]

38. I stay away from my right-wing in-laws as much as possible.

It keeps me sane and that is the only thing I can say.

Remember:

“Never argue with an idiot they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience.” – Mark Twain

[ibegurpard]

39. Avoid them as much as possible

[ForgedCrank]

40. Although I can sympathize

with you, this sounds like one of those for better or for worse situations. When we marry, we marry the family too.
You do it for your wife, not for them. Best approach is avoid such topics, at least as much as you can given what you are dealing with. Redirect, etc, whatever it takes. You aren't going to change any minds or win any hearts, so just support your wife and plow through it.

[Torchlight]

41. Serve them hot soup.

[LuckyCharms]

42. Look at them, cock your head slightly, smile, and say...

Are you...are you OK? You feeling OK?

[Buckeyeblue]

43. If you have to be around them just don't react

It's your wife's family, not yours. If she feels It's important to maintain contact with them, go with her and be supportive. You're doing this for her, not you. When they bring up politics, change the subject. There are a million different things to talk about. You can always ask questions about family history.

[qwlauren35]

45. Saying it once is enough.

Your wife knows how you feel. But it's her family, and she may love them, see their good qualities, have fond memories of her life with them... which you don't have.

You are never going to have the same positive feelings about her family that she will.

Make a decision to steer conversation toward weather (not climate change, just weather) and other benign topics to help you get through time spent together without going ballistic.

Then, go home and tell your wife that she owes you great sex.

OK, I'm joking about that.

I work with an anti-vaxxer, Trump supporter. During the interview, this was explained to me so that there could be no question - if I couldn't handle it, don't take the job. We're only 8 people. He can't be avoided. Demonstrate that you can deal with it. So I do. We even have good times together. By talking about weather, family, memories, sports. IT CAN BE DONE.

I think it is reasonable to put your foot down and say "Let's talk about something else." But since you KNOW that you cannot change their minds ...really, you do know this... in the times you have together, which are probably infrequent, keep conversation to safe topics.

Your wife will thank you.

[ismnotwasm]

46. Don't interact, don't let them bait you

Think of them as an 8 year olds science experiment in the back of the refrigerator. Regard them Quizzically, but Keep your face bland as possible, and do not overtly react. Use responses such as “Yeah”, “uh-huh, oh wow didn’t know that” Asking “where did you learn about that” “ oh huh, wow” works if done carefully.

Then show no interest. Like zero.

Remember, Reaction feeds these people. Stay noncommittal regarding politics. Tell them you are not “into” politics or pop-culture. Talk about hobbies. Once you get past that first part, they may have some enjoyable aspects to their personalities.

I just cut people out, because fuck those people, but my husband agrees with me. We have unpleasantness in both our families

Conversely, you could spend the evening reading the Herman Cain awards on Reddit, or posts from sorryantivaxxer.com, or data from several sources showing them how full of shit they are and wait for them to ask what you are doing. Passive aggressive as hell though. Still, might want to prep some slap down facts beforehand.

I’d just get through it and not be the antagonist, I mean if I am to interact with those people. I meet a lot of them in my job as a nurse, so I have lots and lots—and lots, of practice

[Meowmee]

47. My sympathies

Last edited Mon Dec 27, 2021, 06:02 AM - Edit history (1)

Tell your wife they are endangering you on basis of being non vaxed for covid and they are not allowed over. That alone should be enough for her to cut them out. Tg we don’t have anyone in our family like this. I recently turned down a gathering when I was told not everyone there would be vaccinated. I don’t know if I would’ve gone anyways because even if you’re vaccinated you can still be spreading Covid.

[Bettie]

48. I take my kindle and find

a nice quiet place to read.

[hunter]

51. My family is fight club. Those ill-equipped to fight quickly remove themselves from the festivities.

There's zero tolerance of anti-intellectualism in kitchen table debates.

No that doesn't mean things are always peaceful.

[Raine]

52. Agree to disagree, don't talk about religion or politics

there should be plenty of other things to talk about TV shows, movies, your job, your pets, kids, hobbies etc. Family (even in-laws) should be able to get along with each other for a few hours.

[Celerity]

53. Cut them out like the cancer they are. I would never invite dogshit like that to pollute my life.

Sorry, I am hardcore when it comes to absolute bellends.

No fucking quarter.

[Saoirse9]

54. For your own safety

you need to stay away. Don't cut off all communication, just don't see them in person. You can't force your wife not to see them. I don't have any advice for that.

For Christmas I bought my anti-vax aunt a nice gift and we dropped it at her house, left it on the front porch. She rang us and wanted to know why we didn't come in. I told her we had plans and I would have left it at that, but she mentioned my cousin had cold symptoms which sounded suspiciously like Covid. Then I got mad. I told her he should be tested. She didn't think it necessary. They were upset that I wouldn't enter the house yet one of them had symptoms that could be Covid.

So I told her I work with anti-vax people and there's nothing I can do about that but in my personal life I stay away from them. Period.
'