I Got Yer Legitimate Political Discourse RIGHT HERE (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Y’know, the way I sorta judge how things’re going in this country boils down to, “is there more Nazi shit going on than last week, or less?” and I tell you, folks, since that fateful escalator ride what seems like a fucking century ago, the answer hasn’t been “less” once. Not once. Well, shucks, may as well grab a drink and join me for a few nervous chuckles at all the zany, zany ways 21st century America refuses to learn history’s clearest lessons…wheeeeeeee.
(Longing for links n’ shiny colors? Fret not, click here: https://showercapblog.com/i-got-yer-legitimate-political-discourse-right-here/)
BUT FIRST…move over, Omicron, it’s time for the other plague menacing humanity to run wild, and though this particular variant was 100% made in the USA, I’m sure Rand Paul will still figure out some way to blame China. I’m speaking, of course, of Tantrum-Throwing Manchildren Demanding the Right to Spread a Disease That’s Killed Millions.
(This is all coming on the heels of a new study showing the unvaccinated are 23 times more likely to be hospitalized with Covid than those of us who don’t have skulls full of hornets and rat turds, and how fun is it to live in a society where absolutely no one expects data that clear to change anyone’s behavior, because a certain political party decided it would be a good idea to brainwash their base into despising science?)
Egged on by the shittiest propagandists on the planet, the Freedumb Convoy descended upon Ottawa, bringing with them all the familiar hallmarks of MAGA “culture;” the Just Because We Lost the Election Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Have to Do What We Want petulance, the vandalism and violence, and of course, the odd swastika. (Stealing food from the homeless was a nifty innovation, though.) I suppose it was only a matter of time before America started exporting our least welcome, apparently endlessly renewable resource: racist asshats.
God knows we’ve got a surplus domestically. Hey, if any of you shitbag Canuck truckers feel like taking a couple dozen Orlando Nazis off our hands, I’m willing to pay shipping and handling. Yeah, a puny gathering of the master race’s finest (by which I mean a handful of skeezeballs who fell off the evolutionary ladder into the waiting arms of the ugly tree, with numerous intermediate collisions) hung their shitty little swastika flags from an overpass, right alongside the latest MAGA catchphrase, almost as though the Venn diagram of the two ideologies were a fucking circle.
Of course, the Real Victim Here™️ is Ron DeSantis, who not only declined to condemn the VIOLENT NAZI RALLY until he was cornered, on camera, by reporters, but used the occasion to melt down into the sorriest, self-pitying whingefest this side of a Trump monologue. This was after his Chief Executive Troll, excuse me, his “Press Secretary” theorized the whole thing was a false flag operation designed to make him look bad. Gosh, kids, what is it about a Nazi mob that would make a Republican politician look bad?
Could it be that what’s left of your “platform” resembles nothing so much as the Letters to Santa section on Stormfront? The Michigan state Senate candidate urging followers to “show up armed” to the polls, ready to terrorize voters and sabotage election equipment? The steady campaign of racially inflammatory stochastic terrorism, leading to a wave of bomb threats targeting historically Black colleges and universities this week? All of the above?
I dunno, maybe it has something to do with all the white nationalist extremists who tried to murder Congress last January 6th? You know, the ones a certain Deposed Dotard once again proposes pardoning?
If his latest hate rally is any indication, Off-Brand Orbán has plans to substantially expand the clemency list, should he find himself once more in the position to abuse that particular power. WILL NO ONE RID ME OF THESE MEDDLESOME PROSECUTORS? he asked the howling horde, SERIOUSLY I AM GUILTY AS FUCK AND I’VE RUN OUT OF LAWYERS.
And so Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis, who is investigating the criminal conspiracy to overturn election results in Georgia, has been forced to seek FBI protection from bloodthirsty fanatics who’ve been promised legal immunity should they decide to take matters into their own hands, and I’m not saying American democracy is perilously unhealthy or anything, but if it were a supporting character in a movie, it would have coughing fits every time it appeared on screen.
Not so very long ago, Robert LaMay was a bonfide MAGA superstar, a former Washington state trooper who famously told Governor Jay Inslee just where he could stick his vaccine mandate. HOWEVER, recently, Covid-19 dropped by to tell Robert LaMay just where he could stick his proudly-unvaccinated self*, and suddenly the right wing media is no longer interested in his story, fancy that. Simple omission often does the lion’s share of disinformation’s work, and no doubt the death cult faithful will go right on believing Bob’s a lib-owning machine, instead of, y’know, a corpse.
I’m probably going to need a whole spin-off blog, just to keep up with the ten thousand individual bonfires of the American Right’s book-burning inferno. I could call it Shower Cap’s CensorShip of Fools, whaddya think?
Because now that conservatives have coalesced, with terrifying speed, around the insidious idea that it should be illegal to teach children that racism ever existed, it’s open season on any and all literature to the left of the goddamn Turner Diaries. Bye bye, To Kill a Mockingbird! Onto the pyre, Toni Morrison! Why, some bold innovators on the cutting edge of white supremacist thought control hope to seize the moment and do away with Black History Month. Oh, and I guess there must be some sort of Critical LGBTQ Theory out there, too, or have we already moved on to the “no excuses necessary” phase of the expurgation?
Norlin Mommsen, who is not, as his name implies, a hobbit too surly and unpleasant to score an invite to Bilbo’s birthday party, but rather an Iowa State Representative, proposed legislation to install cameras in every classroom, in order to livestream and record every moment of every child’s schooling. While this is an absolutely batshit idea, Mommsen’s mad little plot has, for obvious reasons, already earned the support of the GOP’s influential pedophile wing.
And for anyone who’s actually bamboozled by the ridiculous, herky-jerky dance of plausible deniability that dominates the discourse in our terminally silly political culture, there’s always “pastor” Greg Locke, who threw a literal book-burning, because the loser god he worships can’t handle kids reading Harry Potter or Twilight. I bet Locke’s god gets picked on by all the other gods…massive, celestial wedgies and whatnot.
As Moscow’s elected representative in the United States Senate, Josh Hawley was only doing his job when he submissively parroted Vlad Putin’s talking points on Ukraine, but…wait, what? Missouri? Are you sure? Huh. Well, that’s much more difficult to justify, then. What an absolute buttcrust.
I feel like there’s always some GOP institution or other performing some bizarre ritual shunning of Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, and, well, they did it again, the RNC this time. That’ll teach you apostates to (checks notes) oppose terrorist violence! Excuse me, I mean “legitimate political discourse,” which is what Ronna NotRomney and co. call erecting gallows/smashing windows/smearing poo on the walls/assaulting and injuring 140 cops. Anyway, I just figured out how I’m gonna make my first million: Republican-to-English dictionaries! “Legitimate political discourse,” eat my ass, you fascist creeps.
Well, Rudy Giuliani’s quest to locate absolute zero on the dignity-o-meter led him to an appearance on the cultural trainwreck known as the Masked Singer, and honestly, I’m thinking about offering him twelve dollars in nickels to work the dunk tank at my next birthday party.
What else, what else…oh shit. Might wanna double Mike Pants’ Secret Service detail.
Condolences to the crew over at Fux Nooz, who had a great big party planned to celebrate what they hoped would be a terrible jobs report, only to have the Biden Boom jump out of the cake and piss in their Ovaltine. Alas, even Rupert can’t spin 6.6 million jobs created in one short year as failure.
In fairness, the Biden Administration is responsible for one currently unfilled job…in ISIS’ leadership. Shit, Smilin’ Joe’s on such a roll, he’s even picking a fight with cancer, just for funsies.
Well, I hope you have enjoyed this week’s edition of Shower Cap’s Blog; please set the device upon which you read it ablaze, and report to the nearest reeducation camp. Or maybe get to work on the GODDAMN MIDTERMS, before that kind of thing becomes mandatory, hmmmmmmmmmm? Stay safe out there, my friends…
*What am I, a theologian? Please don’t look to a drunken, middle-aged, white dude in a bathrobe and luchador mask for answers to the big questions, people.
= new reply since forum marked as read
this Nazi Shit, Ferret.
Gotta look cool and "own the repugs" you know.
Burn all you want; we'll print more at $15.95 a cover.
"herky-jerky"! Man, I can't tell you how long it has been since I last heard herky-jerky! 
I definitely have to use it and with these marble heads, I'm sure I will get ample opportunities.
Thanks for keeping the words coming, Cap.
