Welcome to the Bouncy Castle Insurrection (Everything is Very Stupid) Ferret/ShowerCap
Didja see where CNN hired George Orwell’s Force Ghost as an on-air contributor? You’d think he’d have tons of useful insight to offer, but he mostly just yells, “I fucking TOLD you! Why didn’t anyone fucking LISTEN?” and cries. Which, looking at the news, I totally get. Well, grab a tissue, and weep along with us, I suppose…
(Let those who desire full color and news links click here: https://showercapblog.com/welcome-to-the-bouncy-castle-insurrection-everything-is-very-stupid/)
Almost strutting their ability to custom-warp their audience’s reality, the right-wing disinformation apparatus wildly misrepresented recent filings from the Durham investigation, wrapping ‘em up in buzzwords and second-hand stripper glitter, and proclaiming them to be incontrovertible proof (not even close) that Hillary Clinton spied on poor, innocent Donnie Dotard (she didn’t) and ate Seth Rich to cover it up, only after first de-aging him to infancy, of course (okay, that part’s basically true).
It’s all bullshit, of course, entirely fabricated, but hey, Fux needs to talk about something during all those hours they’re not covering Government Cheese Goebbels’ legal setbacks (more there in a minute), and who wants to wade through dense, boring ol’ fact checks when you can use a sparkly new falsehood as an excuse to call for your political opponents’ execution instead?
Larry Hogan, bless his heart, went on the Sunday shoz to playfully contemplate a run at the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, no doubt believing Dr. Strange can simply deposit him in an alternate dimension where there actually is “a pretty large lane of sane Republicans,” looking to reclaim their party, instead of the poo-flinging death cult that persists here in the real world.
Sorry, Larry, sign says No Residents of Objective Reality Need Apply. The current configuration of the Grand Old Party is looking for a few good liars, however, like Mesa County, Colorado clerk Tina Peters, the 2020 election truther under investigation for leaking election data to the foot soldiers of the Assclown Autogolpe, (among other crimes, incidentally) who announced her run for the office overseeing elections statewide.
See, the plan here is to use every tactic available (and choosy MAGA moms choose terror!) to chase decent people out of these crucial jobs, and replace them with Big Lie loyalists, because the rules are ultimately only what the refs say they are, and voters can’t reject your malfeasance if the vote counters work for you. It’s the Federalist Society model applied to election workers…with just a lil’ bit of the old ultraviolence thrown in…well, just a little for now.
In Texas, where Greg Abbott is a commie RINO cuck for only burning some of the books, just 13 out of a total of 143 Republican congressional candidates acknowledge the indisputable truth that Smilin’ Joe Biden beat their precious Turd Emperor like a dang drum in 2020. Healthy!
Plus, in the latest installment of Liz Cheney’s never-ending ceremonial excommunication, Minority Leader McCarthy actually endorsed her primary challenger, so eager is he to purge his caucus of dissenters with heretical beliefs like “lynch mobs are bad and ought not be encouraged,” and “the American people should be allowed to elect their own leaders.”
Then there’s Herschel Walker, gliding to the Georgia Senate nomination on Off-Brand Orbán‘s endorsement, despite new police records shining fresh light on his extremely disturbing history of mental health issues, and domestic abuse. Dunno about y’all, but right about now, I could really go for another lecture on civility from the crowd for whom a documented history of violent outbursts is somehow not disqualifying.
Shit, Walker’ll fit right in. He’d certainly get along with Ron Johnson, whose long battle with the forces of common sense and public health recently led him to platform “Dr.” Ben Marble, an animal dewormer-peddling quack with a wacky plan to assassinate our way out of the pandemic. Ben, gotta be honest with ya, kid…I feel like “first, do no harm” more or less rules out terrorist bombings, but what do I know, I’m not the one with the ear of a sitting U.S. Senator.
Fascism’s fervent financiers really want to make “trucker convoys” a regular thing, believing they’ve stumbled onto superior branding for the bloodthirsty mobs they hope to continue inciting (“Capitol Riot” hasn’t been doing super well with focus groups). Of course, there’re hardly any actual truckers remaining in the wad of sphincters clogging up downtown Ottawa, and don’t forget, actual Canadian truckers have repeatedly denounced these conspiracy-addled yahoos, but golly, LOOKIT THE BOUNCY CASTLES!
…they bet real heavy on the bouncy castle thing, have you noticed that? “Pay no attention to the weapons cache seized from the so-called protesters who were plotting to murder cops, or the wall of polling proving the public opposes this asshat brigade, and their idiotic demands, or the white nationalist extremists speaking for the movement on Fux, this is about the pure, radiant wholesomeness of the noble bouncy castle, dammit!
Well, though you failed to overthrow the tyrant Son of Fidel Castro, rest easy, scumbags, knowing there’s a massive insurrectionist fundraising network standing at the ready, eager to supply the next urban occupation with street fair paraphernalia and shoddy pillows and golly gee how’d those guns get in here must’ve been antifa hee hee hee.
Anyway, copycat convoys failed to materialize in time to disrupt the Super Bowl, calling into question Senator Paul’s ability to mobilize the masses with his uniquely punchable charm. Therefore, the resultant SEXUAL ANARCHY rests on your faithless heads, O Ye Who Heeded Not the Call of Rand. By the time you read this, discussion of the 2022 halftime show will be banned in public schools in at least 14 red states, and a petition to give the gig to Kid Rock next year will have over a million signatures. (Well, x’s anyway.) You can picture it, can’t you? Dancing girls with tiki torches? A big-ass, book-burning bonfire in each end zone? Nuremberg Bowl, bitches!
Hey, if you’ve got any yard work that needs doing, Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times got tossed, leaving the former Vice Presidential nominee one publicists’ bill away from standing on the side of the highway with a Will Grift 4 Food sign.
Competition’s actually pretty cutthroat in the high-stakes world of right-wing rube-bilking; there’s only so much money to go ‘round, and the long-term difficulties posed by peddling medical disinformation during a lethal pandemic should be obvious. Why, our former First Lady has been reduced to purchasing her own shitty, unwanted NFTs, the sort of desperate loser behavior that simply screams…Trump.
Even for the Michelangelo of Losing in Court, this was an unusually brutal week, a sort of judicial enema, administered by legal halberd. First, the Biden Administration, in blatant violation of Bro Code, ordered the release of Shart House visitor logs, then a court ruled that New York Attorney General Letitia James gets to interview the Deposed Dotard and his shitty spawn, under oath, and I know it’s just a fantasy that you could pepper him with questions about crowd size and his real net worth until you had enough perjury charges to airdrop him straight into Leavenworth, but a boy can dream, can’t he?
Oh, and then Littlefinger got his sorry grifter ass fired by his longtime accounting firm, who disavowed the veracity of their own work on his behalf, essentially confirming the James investigation’s allegations. Wow. When you get news like that, I bet it’d be real nice to have access to competent legal representation…heh.
So, in perhaps the Josh Hawliest thing ever, Josh Hawley started selling coffee mugs emblazoned with the image of his famous terrorist fist jab from last January 6th. Coffee mugs. Yeah, Josh, that’s just the sort of thing the discerning Proud Boy would display on his mantel, between the Precious Moments figurines and the Third Reich porcelain. Hawley’s gonna show up to the Reichstag Fire in a suede jacket he picked up at Rick Springfield’s last tour.
No Ukraine war yet, as I write this. Putin’s pandemic-time reinvention-as-conqueror project doesn’t seem to be going the way he’d like…shit, Vlad, if you’d settled for a sourdough starter like the rest of us, maybe NATO wouldn’t be bonding at Joe Biden’s sleepover right now. They’re gonna order pizza and stay up late watching Robocop; can you believe Olaf Scholz has never seen it? It’s gonna blow his fucking mind.
Okay, that’s what I’ve got for you tonight. Did I miss anything? Attempting a Twitter-free newsgathering process this week, in an effort to claw a few hours of my life back from all these damnable little screens. Let me know, don’t be shy…and stay safe out there, chums…
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