My son committed suicide 1/27/2022-I heard from the White House staff

[crimycarny]

I apologize if this thread doesn’t belong in “General Discussion”. But because it reflects on the President Biden White House I thought I’d use this category.

On 1/27/2022 my precious son took his own life—he was 25. I was absolutely destroyed (still am) and was trying desperately to find a place to run to, to hide, to stop the pain. But there was/is no where to go.

This may sound idiotic but I thought of President Joe Biden and all the grief he has had in his life. How he would talk about his losses (wife, daughter, Beau) and try to comfort others experiencing loss. I thought “I wish I could talk to someone like Joe Biden”. So in desperation I wrote an email via the WhiteHouse.gov website. I poured out my heart but never expected a reply.

A couple of weeks after I sent my email I was sitting outside on my porch in absolute despair and agony. Sobbing. Then I see a call from someone in Reno, NV. Normally I’d let a call I don’t recognize go to voicemail but for some reason I answered. Someone asked “Is this ( my first name) ?” I answered “yes, who is this?”. The person answered “This is The White House. I’m calling about the email you sent about your son.”

No, it wasn’t Joe Biden himself but someone working for the Biden administration. The person on the phone talked to me for over 45 minutes. Let me talk about my son as well as tried to help me find resources in my area for support. The person I was talking to wasn’t perfunctory...they were real. They would have let me talk forever. The part about finding resources for me didn’t happen until the very end of the call. The majority was just this person allowing me to talk about my son.

Amazing. I miss my son desperately. I will NEVER be the same. But to have a White House that would read an email out of the hundreds of thousands, and give me a call personally, that meant so much.

[orwell]

1. That is why I love this man...

...and why I trust him to make the best choice.

Everything about him is authentic.

We are so used to lies and deceit from our politicians, that we don't even recognize honor and goodness when it is right in front of us.

I am so glad he is leading our nation now at this most perilous hour. Thank you so much for writing this. It confirms what I suspected.

I am heartbroken to hear of the loss of your beautiful boy.

[crimycarny]

7. Yes--Joe Biden is the perfect man for these horrible times

Going through that much grief in life, none of the other “noise” matters. President Joe Biden has a perspective as no other. He is solely focused on doing what is right for humanity and all the insults, attacks, worry about “how will this look politically?” doesn’t matter a d*mm bit.

My son was a Joe Biden fan. That call meant so much.

[Goddessartist]

27. My heart is with you

And yes, Biden is the perfect man for these times. Sending huge hugs from Vashon, WA.

Love,
Rebecca

[XacerbatedDem]

63. My heart, too. Sending the warmest thoughts to you from Missouri.

[calimary]

106. My heart also, crimycarny.

Sending you love and sympathy from northwest Oregon. I can’t imagine the agony…

And both of my kids are healthy and safe, but I worry about them every day. Especially our son, who’s somehow managed to make it through two decades, despite kind of a bumpy ride for awhile when he was younger and more reckless.

[ArizonaLib]

2. That would be my nightmare - I have 2 teen girls

So glad someone gave you something. I am sorry but I am without words. Just love. I hope daily that you find distance from your suffering. Thanks for sharing this. I always tell parents of kids that are good for my daughters that good kids don't grow on trees. He is/was blessed to have your love and compassion.

[crimycarny]

17. It is very scary the pressure on kids these days

32 days after my son killed himself my daughter’s soccer teammate killed herself. So my daughter had a double whammy. Her teammate was a warrior for others. The LAST person I would have considered at risk. Her parents had to grieve in public as their daughter made national news. I can’t even imagine.

Social media is a big factor IMO. The “fake” amazing lives people post make others feel there must be something wrong with them when in reality we’re all struggling.

[ArizonaLib]

21. I agree 1000x over

We are trying to figure this out in our home also. My oldest made a feeble suicide attempt a couple of years ago. We have since had to teach them with very rigorous effort to understand and feel what certain media does to affect our brains as we watch it. The oldest used to consume several hours at a time of very emotional/dramatic video content. Then she used to get very emotional about everything. So we worked hard to limit this content to 1 or 2 episodes at a time and she and I worked to find content we both could enjoy together. One of the shows we tried was Breaking Bad because it was on AMC and we both though we would like the action. I couldn't make it through 1 or 2 episodes (I think it was 1). I got really frustrated by what I was experiencing on the screen. Months after trying, she and I were visiting my best friend in another state and I asked him if he had watched the series. He replied that he tried but did not like what it was doing to his mind. That identified it perfectly. I have been suffering depression for years that I never had before marriage and have been seeing a therapist for over a year. After visiting my friend, explained our conversation to my oldest and she understood, because she had been trying to work on finding better content as a favor to me (I also checked on her constantly and she gave up her relentless efforts against it). I was starting to find her watching old Disney and Pixar things she grew up with.

So I have been struggling to get my head back (after an emotionally abusive 23 year marriage) and have found there are old sitcoms from the 90's and forward that feel like they are doing positive stuff in my head. Mostly about people struggling to come back from their past or struggling to find their better selves (Grace Under Fire, Coach, Mom, Community, Grace and Frankie, and even the narcissistic Seinfeld after watching a documentary on how Larry David's personal foibles are characterized by the George character). There is one sitcom that helped me identify this better feeling called Kim's Convenience on Netflix. If you don't know about it yet, I love the struggle the store owner undertakes to understand and deal with himself and to own his own crap.

Also, Gandhi's grandson, Arund Gandhi wrote a short, easily consumable book about the power of anger. I am not an angry person, but it is loaded with little nuggets that describe his time with his grandfather who taught him about compassion and dealing with hard people and the world that comes at you. He was a kid who had to deal with his grandfather who had the world coming at him. This compassion and the wisdom required to be compassionate became a major tool in dealing with family stuff - the feelings of guilt, failure, the lack of appreciation of the good things about me that I admire in other people.

I understand that getting out of bed, taking care of myself, etc. takes a lot of strength.

My friend went through a divorce years ago but our deep suffering has been concurrent. We dealt with it differently, and I need to tell you, we both learned something critical: I spent a lot of time really working hard in thinking, processing, understanding and learning about our situation for several years and figured many things out and my girls are doing well. However, my ability to work and the stamina to stay on top of my responsibilities diminished to almost nothing. He on the other hand kept busy gardening cooking (it took him 2 hours to prepare dinner for me and my daughter and he clung to routines to get from dawn to dusk to put one more day behind him. The difference between us was that by keeping busy he was taking care of himself. My stamina for those things had almost completely dulled out. Now he can think about and process things a little, etc., and keep moving forward. I on the other hand struggle to do the things I need to pay bills, stay out of debt, take care of myself etc. I even had to learn to resolve that in procrastinating my heaviest responsibilities with the most mundane things like laundry, cleaning, etc were ok sometimes because I try to prioritize the more serious responsibilities, which if they take days or weeks, the other lessor things stack up into serious problems. I am doing much better and a couple weeks ago my 'If I do this task, I will better afterward and possibly while I do it' kicked in after years of not having it. So this is getting better for me.

You should learn as much as you can about what trauma entails. In short it is one side of the brain not being able to pass parts of the trauma(s) to the other and back. It is the shock of loss, pain and unfairness. Good people feel these things the most because they are good people. I told a cousin who has been putting an abusive marriage behind her that we are both good people...they took advantage of us. Media content and social media take advantage of us and our loved ones.

I hope your struggle and suffering is no bigger or more than it has to be every moment from here on out. Also, have a couple of friends or family to visit once in a while who don't care about anything else but are glad to see you on their doorstep. It takes a little edge off for a little bit.

Best to you and your loved ones!

[Alice Kramden]

28. Thank you for this description

It helps me to understand the trials that younger people are going through. I have family members this really relates to, especially the "content" issue that you describe

[ArizonaLib]

69. It took a while to figure out what to do

We felt helpless for a long time including her cousins in their early 20's who subscribed anonymously to her social media and very discreetly informed us about anything they found weird. It helped so much. She had a tik tok account which had over 20,000 followers. When we found out, it freaked us out. There were s couple of weird videos bht mostly alot of discussion about video she posted where she rappeda very difficult rap s couple of years prior.

I am not on social media unless one considers DU social media, buI I knew that my relentlessness was more than hers and the help from family members was irreplaceable.

[MLAA]

36. I am so happy to hear you are making progress.

I find watching animal /nature programs soothing. I especially enjoyed watching the remake of All Creatures Great and Small. Beautiful scenery, charming characters and seemingly a simpler time.

Thank you for sharing your journey. ❤️

[ArizonaLib]

64. Thanks - tbat reminds me I used to love documentaries

I have those sitcoms memorized. I will check some nature shows out. Thanks!

[crimycarny]

110. Yes-TV content really effecting me

Before my world crashed it seemed like I could watch pretty much anything and not get affected. However, with this intense grief I find I can't handle ANY emotion. I've been watching British mysterious like Foyle's War, George Gently. I for whatever reason I keep watching A&E's Pride and Prejudice over and over. I've also got Jamie Raskin's audiobook "Unthinkable" that I keep listening to. I can't listen to anything else. It's these weird obsessive behaviors that are coming out as a coping mechanism.

When I can't watch anything but the most benign shows due to my overwhelming anxiety/grief/fear--I have to wonder if those shows I was watching before all of this happened were actually affecting me more than I thought?

I think coming out of COVID after 2 years of the world slowing down (so to speak) has been very hard for those with anxiety. What I'm hearing is that suicides actually went down during COVID, but as things are ramping up again suicides are increasing alarmingly. With my son I'm thinking that the anticipation of going back out into the world was made worse by being in a cocoon for 2 years. When he was dealing with daily stress it was actually easier because you get a bit desensitized. Or you're just used to it. Not sure what I'm trying to say. But being in a very isolated and protected environment for 2 years, only to feel you have to start back into all that stress--I think that's very hard for people with overwhelming anxiety.

[LymphocyteLover]

79. true... as much fun and education as the internet can bring, it really seems to be causing a ton of

mental health problems, especially in young people

[babydollhead]

3. here is a hug. as long as you want it to be. peace. peace friend. n/t

[applegrove]

4. Good eggs this WH. So sorry about your son.

[herding cats]

5. My heart is breaking over your loss.

I'm deeply sorry for what you're going through right now, but I'm grateful a kind person from the current administration took the time to reach out to you and cared. I'm glad it had a positive effect in your life because in the end that seems to have been their goal, to try and ease your burden a tiny bit by being there for you when you needed it.

[Meowmee]

6. I am so sorry for your tragic loss of your son

that is wonderful you received that phone call to help you.

[pnwmom]

8. That was wonderful, crimycarny. Would you like to share something here about your son?

We're all here for you.

[crimycarny]

14. One of the kindest people I know

When my husband and I were trying to come up with his tribute obituary we tried to think of a funny story from a time he got in trouble for something. Neither one of us could think of a single time he had been in trouble (we still can’t). He was always such a PERFECTIONIST, including following the rules. He was always so hard on himself that there was no need to get on him even if he had gotten in trouble.

What fooled me into thinking he was doing ok was his sense of humor. He loved making the ironic comment and making others laugh. That was his thing, making others laugh. Even the night before he ended his life he made a funny comment about going out to get his younger brother fast food (as usual). The next day he was dead.

We found notes after he died where he was so full of self loathing it broke my heart in two. How could I have not known? What sort of mother was I?

We always had looooooong conservations about politics. He was a Bernie Sanders supporter in the primaries but quickly got behind Joe Biden. He used to troll on the Trump subreddit (I couldn’t even bear to read those posts) and was a fierce warrior for the underdog. I wish he’d been that same warrior for himself.

[pnwmom]

18. It sounds like he was deeply empathic and took everything to heart.

He knew what to say to make everyone else laugh, while hiding his own pain. I completely understand why you are agonizing about missing the signs, but this wasn't your fault as a parent. He was such an expert on holding things in. I hope some day you'll be able to believe that.

[renate]

23. It must be shattering to feel as though you didn't know what he was going through... but--

That was what he wanted. He hid his pain and it was his choice to do so.

Unfortunately it worked. But that was his choice.

I am so, so, so, so sorry. What a terrible, heartbreaking, devastating, soul-wrenching loss. My heart goes out to you.

[LymphocyteLover]

78. Wow, I'm crying reading that

My deepest condolences

[people]

102. You were and are a wonderful mother

This is a sad sad tragedy and I am so sorry for your incomparable loss. You loved your son dearly and you were a good, good mother. This sadness isn't your fault.

[ChazII]

44. Please, listen to pnwmom

and share stories about your son. March 6, 2020 my 35 year old son passed from the same tumor that took Joe's son. Everyone grieves differently but surround yourself with support. DU is a great place to get the love and warmth to help you through when the intense ways of grief hit. I did click on your profile and saw that you have been to the bereavement group. They helped me last week when it was the two year anniversary of my son's passing.

[highplainsdem]

9. Tears in my eyes after reading your message. I am so sorry you lost your son,

that he was in so much anguish he took his own life. How tragic, especially at such a young age.

I am so glad you called the White House and they responded in such a caring, thoughtful way.

Sending love and hugs...

[NNadir]

10. Please accept my deepest condolences.

[BigmanPigman]

11. This is why I am still pissed off at MTG and Boebert

for being total asses at the SOTU address. Joe was sharing a personal moment and those two bitches were so disrespectful.

[LymphocyteLover]

77. they are filth

[niyad]

12. I know that words really don't help, but know how sorry I am for the loss of your

son. Thank you for sharing the kindness and caring of the WH in your grief with us. Know that your DU family is holding you in light and love.

[sheshe2]

13. I am so glad he/ abmin reached out to you

Suicide is so hard to understand or recover from.

My brother committed suicide 14 years ago. I had a year of nightmares. It happened on the first day of a vacation. I hadn't had one in over a year, lost 10 pounds in a week. It rained the whole week, and the day we had his service, the sun came out. The sun.

My heart goes out to you and yours, crimycarny.

[crimycarny]

15. Yes--it's a pain that is indescribable

For me it’s the guilt. I’ve lost at least 10 lbs too. Just no appetite at all. It’s not depression it’s despair. Intense anxiety/fear/GRIEF.

I’m sorry to hear about your brother. So worried about my younger son who is 1.5 years younger than his brother and EXTREMELY close.

[Rhiannon12866]

16. Wow. I am so terribly sorry, but thank you so much for sharing this.

And I agree that not only is Joe Biden a man of compassion, but he is the right leader for this time. Much of the world needs compassion - and help - right now and he has stepped up to the plate. And I am so glad to hear that someone in his administration cared enough to reach out to you.

[LuckyLib]

19. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll extend to you a thought I

sent as part of a condolence note to a friend whose sister had taken her own life: "You will need to remember as you continue to live that 'love gives us courage . . . life brings us change.'"

[Duppers]

20. I can only imagine the heartbreak

...you're going through.

Biden staff must be as amazing as he is. Thank you for sharing here.

I have a single son who will be 35yo next month and I cannot imagine losing him. My heart goes out to you. 💔

[Totally Tunsie]

22. My heart to you.

[BlueJac]

24. K&R

[peacebuzzard]

25. I am so sorry. I understand your pain

[yardwork]

26. I'm so sorry. I'm crying reading your post.

[ailsagirl]

84. So am I

[Gilbert Moore]

29. My heartfelt sympathy to you

Please take advantage of the resources the the White House presents you as it will help... slowly.

Also contact some of the local hospice organizations as many have grief groups and they shouldn't mind if your son wasn't a hospice patient. Neither will people in your grief group. We are all in this together...

Love, peace, chocolate

[crimycarny]

65. I'm going to Survivors of Suicide groups and a Grief Counselor

One thing I've learned from this experience is that the grief over losing a child to suicide is far different than losing a child to an illness or something like a car accident. Not that losing a child in ANY circumstances isn't absolutely horrible and filled with gut-wrenching pain, but losing a child to suicide adds the complication of guilt, what-ifs, why, anger...all sort of things that can be hard to get over.

My grief counselor lost his wife through suicide several years ago so not only understands personally what this type of grief is but is trained in helping others. I just don't want to get stuck in this phase. It will literally be like living in hell every day.

[Trueblue Texan]

30. I am so sorry for your loss.

I am very glad you put your feelings into words, a healing way to vent some of the overwhelming grief. I'm proud we have a President who values the experience of every person in this nation and makes sure that Americans are heard, not just taxed and governed.

Peace and healing to you.

[Alice Kramden]

31. Deepest condolences

Thank you for sharing about the White House reaching out. So compassionate. It starts from the top.

[MissB]

32. I am truly sorry for your loss

My oldest is only a year younger and has recently mentioned a battle with depression, so your post really hits home. I’m so sorry for the anguish and pain.

The Biden administration is amazing.

[LiberalLoner]

33. He is such a good man. Democrats are good people. I am so very sorry for your loss. Love you.❤️

[PatSeg]

34. I have tears in my eyes reading your post

Clearly Joe Biden has created a culture of compassion and empathy in his administration. How wonderful that this person just let you talk about your loss. Apparently this is encouraged in Joe's White House, it is quite unlike any administration I am familiar with.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

[2Gingersnaps]

35. Deeply sorry for the loss of your son, I hope you find peace, give yourself time.

My son grew up watching his father suffer and die from cancer. He was a giver, humor hid his pain. He tried desperately to get help, had a job and good insurance. But mental health care is hard to access if you have not hit bottom. His version of hitting bottom was taking his life. And I am there with you. I will never be the same, but time gives a measure of relief. Be good to yourself, tight hugs.

[crimycarny]

86. Thank you for some hope

That there is the possibility of SOME relief. So many Survivors of Suicide say it's been 5 years, 10 years, 20 years...and they don't feel any better. I can't bear the thought of living my life with this constant searing pain of loss, crushing guilt, and not wanting to live another day. I'm getting up and breathing because my body is still working, but my soul is dead. I don't want to remain in this state.

[MLAA]

37. Crimycarny

I am sending you kind thoughts and love. Please try and care for yourself physically and emotionally. 💖❤️💫💗?️

[Irish_Dem]

38. Crying as I read this.

Crying for your pain.

Crying for the goodness of Joe Biden.

[LetMyPeopleVote]

39. I am sorry for the loss of your son

Thank you for posting about the 45 minute phone call from the White House

[MaryMagdaline]

40. Such a horrible loss. I'm so sorry

Thank you for this story of humaneness of our current President and staff.

[LittleGirl]

41. I'm so sorry about your son.

I believe grief, profound grief, comes in waves.
It flows in and out of your days like waves.
Some strong, overpowering and they knock you off your feet.
The next day or hour, it may be easy, calmer and soothing.
I try to do my best to stand up, keep standing and let the waves wash over me, cleansing the pain. The guttural pain of loss is so great, that you must lay down. On a floaty, so you can drift through the storm until you can stand strong again…against the waves.
Hugs xx

[electric_blue68]

62. beautifully described. It can be that way.

[LittleGirl]

73. Thanks. ❤️

[Danmel]

42. My deepest sympathy to you

May sweet memories of your beloved son bring you comfort and peace. I am so grateful to have a president who is kind.

[Ohio Joe]

43. My condolences

[mcar]

45. I am so sorry for your loss

and so glad we have a compassionate, kind man leading us now. Thank you for sharing this.

[FakeNoose]

46. Thank you for sharing your heart-breaking story

May your son rest in peace, and may you find solace in your memories of him from happier times.

[seta1950]

47. I'm so so sorry for your loss😢😢😢

Joe Biden Bless his heart, is the perfect president for our times.

[Yorkie Mom]

48. I'm so sorry

about the loss of your son. I wish had had better words that could any comfort.

[LaMouffette]

49. Your post brought tears to my eyes, both for the loss of your son and for your sharing the story

about the phone call you received from the White House.

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your son to suicide! We also lost a close family member to suicide six years ago, so I understand the extra shock and grief and (unfounded) guilt that go along with losing a loved one this way.

Please take care of yourself during this awful time! And thank you so much for sharing your amazing phone call with all of us here on DU.

[Wicked Blue]

50. What a terrible loss for you. I am so sorry

I hope you will find healing and eventual peace after this tragedy

[IronLionZion]

51. Sorry for your loss

Biden, like Obama, actually cares about people and is the right leader at the right time.

[redwitch]

52. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

Even if you had known he was struggling you might not have been able to prevent his suicide. My friends lost their son in March 2020. They had done everything they could to get him mental health counseling but he had such terrible depression it was too much for him. His parents are so lovely and kind and like you they are devastated. A virtual hug to you.

[malthaussen]

53. Please accept my condolences. n/t

[babylonsister]

54. My sincerest condolences for

your terrible loss, crimycarny. It's comforting to read you were comforted via President Biden.

[Mosby]

55. There is something very special and unique about the Biden admin.

Hard to put into words.

Sorry to hear about yuour son. Just tragic.

[crickets]

56. Thank you so much for sharing this, crimycarny.

I cannot imagine how difficult it has been to cope with the loss of your son. I am so sorry.

How wonderful that we have a man in the White House so empathetic, with a staff to match. How lovely that someone from that staff called you to lend an ear, a shoulder, and some good advice just because you needed it. I am smiling through tears, so grateful for that on your behalf.

I don't know what else I to say except that I wish you peace and comfort, and many virtual hugs are winging your way.

[nvme]

57. My condolences for your loss

[pandr32]

58. I am so sorry for your loss and pain

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is good to know there is compassion in The White House.
We are here and hopefully you can find some comfort and support among us.
One day and one step at a time you will make your way through the grief. Hopefully, you will continue to find compassion along the way.

[Snackshack]

59. President Biden...

…and the people he has chosen to be staff really and truly care about the Country and it’s Citizens.

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand it. This is a great post. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.

[RainCaster]

60. I grieve for your loss

What you have endured is one of the most horrific things that a parent can experience. It will take time. I'm so glad you got to experience the humanity of our current administration.

[LizBeth]

61. Tears here.... You have a tough road here, don't ever stop talking about your son.

He is with you always.

[Carlitos Brigante]

66. .

.

[electric_blue68]

67. My deepest condolences. A shock for any parent...

...and what an amazing gesture to have someone from President Biden's WH call and talk to you?! Though with Joe's own terrible personal experiences - empathy, and compassion it's really not so surprising that those qualities would be present in his staff.


While not the same as I losing my mom to a unexpected condition within about a week (at 86, but most of her sibs lived into mid 90's)...
She'd had several things that caught her medically esp severe asthma when I was 5 1/2 back in the late 1950's.

Anyway she was quite an amazing woman. As she reached her early '80's I came up with my "mantra" for when she did die -

"She wouldn't want me to be too sad for too long".
I know it helped me weather the deep grief better than I would have otherwise.

Everyone grieves differently.
I'm pretty sure the love he had for you would incline him to feel this way for you.

I wish moments, over time hours, days, and more of peace, and joy for you once again.

[SayItLoud]

68. Thank you for sharing .

Sending you and your son positive energy for peace and comfort.

[Wild blueberry]

70. Thank you for sharing with us

Please accept a hug from me and please be kind to yourself.

[Niagara]

71. My condolences to you and your family.

[TygrBright]

72. True leadership is seen not in the acts of the leader, but in the character of those s/he leads. n/t

[KBlagburn]

74. My son committed suicide 12/14/16 he was 22. YOU ARE NOT ALONE

I completely understand what you are going through. unlike losing a parent or sibling, which Ive lost both, losing a child is something you never get over. There is never "closure". You dont learn to tolerate the pain, you dont learn to live with it. The searinug pain is with you every day for the rest of your life. I know, I'm living it every day. I am so sorry you're son has died. I am so sorry you have to go through this nightmare. I am so sorry you are now part of this group. I am so sorry. But I want you to know you are NOT ALONE. if you need to talk, you are welcome to PM me anytime.

[LymphocyteLover]

76. I'm so very sorry.

We have a constant worry with my son in this way

[KBlagburn]

82. My son hung himself in our garage

I found him and took him down. I could not sleep for two weeks. I still have nightmares. I already suffered from PTSD and two brothers who died this way. I am still in therapy at the VA and still on their suicide watch list. I had one attempt already but am better now. but still have thoughts

[LymphocyteLover]

88. I can't even imagine how hard that would be -- the ultimate nightmare

[crimycarny]

85. That's what scares me--that it will stay like this forever

Feeling this acute pain that never ends and is so all-consuming that I can't even breathe. I'm basically a shut-in, only leaving the house to drive up to the site where my son killed himself, or go for solitary runs. I literally am waiting to die so this pain will end. That's not living. If that's what it's going to be like for the rest of my life, why bother?

It hasn't been two months yet so I'm hopeful I can find a way to live without the acute knife piercing pain, the obsessive thoughts of "it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault", seeing him the last time I saw him--when he was standing on the stairs asking me if everything was ok (because his dad and I had just gotten in a stupid fight). He would get anxious whenever there was conflict and so I added to his anxiety that night by telling him about the fight, even exaggerating the seriousness of it because I was so mad at his dad. Why did I do that KNOWING it would add to his anxiety? If I hadn't told him about the fight would he still be here? I think he would, so I feel like I was the last straw. I am the reason he went through with his plan that night. Me.

These thoughts CONSUME me. I can't eat, I can't sleep without medication. When I wake up it's like "I'm back in hell again".

I'm hoping my grief counselor can help. I'm fighting, I'm trying, but if there is no end to this pain even with therapy then all I can hope is an early death to take me out of this hell. I won't commit suicide, I can't put my family through that pain, but I won't be living either. Just waiting for death.

[cally]

89. Your thoughts are normal but you are not at fault!

And grief often feels like you described. I got tremendous relief through grief counseling and help forgiving myself for any mistakes I made. It does get better

[KBlagburn]

92. Therapy Does Help, it will get better

I am still in therapy at the VA. I have my son's picture by my bed and tell him good night every night. He died on Dec 14th. my brother on Dec 31, different years. Christmas is no longer something I celebrate. My wife gets mad at me. Yes I am better but I still have days. It helps to find someone to talk to. I blames myself for a long time for noyt checking on my son. Most people think suicide is a selfish act but in reality they honestly believe they are doing something for us. They believe that their problems are OUR problems and that they are taking OUR problems away. My son dealt with anxiety and depression as well. But he also fought addiction to try to deal with those problems. (he was clean when he died) I got him into a mental health therapist. They saw him like three times and then kicked him out because they said they couldnt help him until he got help for his addiction. These idiots could not see that his addiction came from his mental health problems. and that is our societies problem with mental heath. But trust me it will get better. Yes you will carry this pain with you every day. But I look at it this way. This pain I carry with me, is my son and I carry him with me every day, and the pain allows me to keep him with me every second of every day. I am here if you need me. if you want to text my # is 256-612-8863.

[crimycarny]

95. Thank you

Thank you for being willing to allow me to reach out. I feel bad that I never even tried to get my son help. He hid it so well that I figured it was just his normal anxiety (which I suffer from too) but manageable anxiety. Throughout his life I would help him through those things that made him very anxious--applying for college, getting his first job--all things that were more anxiety-provoking for him than most people.

And you are soooooo right that our mental health system is completely messed up. Our mental health system wants to follow some sort of "one size fits all" formula which isn't helpful at all. Some kids need more serious intervention, some kids need to know they can work with a therapist while still staying in school/sports/etc--"processing in place"-- and some like your son need mental health care which will then help with his addiction! Why did they think he was addicted in the first place?

I'll never get my son back and the regrets and guilt just absolutely crush me. If I could just go on life support where my body was kept alive by machines but I didn't have to think, my brain was at rest, that would be preferable to what I'm going through now. My body would still be alive for my family but I won't have to live this hell.

[LymphocyteLover]

75. Wow, that is incredible but I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also have a 25 year old son who's had mental issues and we worry about him constantly.

[demigoddess]

80. there are many people out here who have lost a child. Biden gets that. You never know if the

guy or woman sitting next to you may have the same feelings you do.

[mzmolly]

81. I'm so sorry for your unimaginable loss.

I'm glad however, that we have a compassionate President, who was able to (indirectly) provide you some comfort.

[ificandream]

83. First, my very deepest condolences to you.

And thank you for posting this. We all know how wonderfully empathetic President Joe is compared to his predecessor. This only proved it more.

[cally]

87. I'm just sending lots of love and compassion

I have a child who has tried suicide twice but did survive. I know I am blessed but I also know the agony of second guessing yourself. It has helped to talk to others with similar experiences.

[turbinetree]

90. Empathy.....just to show that empathy says everything about his team.....and your family...

Sorry for your loss.....

[gibraltar72]

91. I too lost a son in the same way.

I know your grief and sorrow. What a lift this must have been. We all grieve in different ways. Hope your burden gets lighter.

[KBlagburn]

93. I lost my 22 year old son... I am so sorry for your loss.

this is a pain, I wish on no one.

[crimycarny]

101. Males are very high risk

That's one thing that I have learned, the number of males committing suicide, particularly in their 20's, is absolutely shocking and alarming.

Our world with the pressure, social media, focus on the wrong things as a sign of "success" (money, looks, twitter/tiktok followers) is killing our kids.

[Cha]

94. 💕💖💖

My heart breaks for you,cc

Heartbreaking and Heartwarming that the Biden White House reached out to you in your time of unbearable pain.

[Quakerfriend]

96. My deepest condolences to you cc

I too have experienced suicide in my family but, not the unimaginable loss of a child.

I pray that you will find the strength to go forward.

Please know that we all here for you- And, the White House staff too apparently! Thank you for sharing your incredible story. It gives me hope for all of humanity.

[crimycarny]

100. Thank you--I felt I had to share that I actually got a call from Biden's WH

I didn’t mean for this thread to turn into me talking about my pain. A couple of DU’ers have reached out privately which has been a huge help. I appreciate everyone on this forum.

I just thought it so amazing that I actually got a phone call from my email done from the WH.gov website. To have someone not only reach out, but to talk to me so emphatically and just listen was incredible. I wanted everyone to know because it’s truly an indication of the amazing man we have in the WH. To hire the type of people who would care about some anonymous person screaming out for help. It was the miracle I needed that day.

[smirkymonkey]

97. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved son.

I can't even imagine what you are going through. My deepest condolences!

May he rest in peace.

[smirkymonkey]

98. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved son.

I can't even imagine what you are going through. My deepest condolences!

May he rest in peace.

[whfinlay]

99. I lost my brother to suicide.

My pain was deep, he was born when I was 11 years old and he was my baby in a way. My mothers grief was so hard to see. Our family missed him so much, he was very young at 25. The White house responding is so human. Go Biden.

[Mad_Machine76]

103. So sorry for your loss.

My condolences to you and your family.

[Demsrule86]

104. I am so so sorry.

Joe Biden is a good man.

[Cozmo]

105. Your post is helping others, please take comfort in that.

Bless you and all your loved ones.

[Bucky]

107. We as people need to be more compassionate, more forgiving, and more attentive to each other

I know words alone can't console you, but thank you for taking the moment you're great to let us know that we have president who has brought in a White House staff capable of letting his compassion trickle down their ranks

It's a sign of a good hearted leadership. It's a sign of fundamental decency in the highest corridors of power. It's a reminder that we can slowly, carefully build a better world.

I'm so sorry your son won't live to see that ray of hope. I wish you solace, strength and patience with your process as you go through this

[displacedtexan]

108. I emailed Joe Biden and got a reply from him.

I asked him to include a moment of silence to his SOTU for Ukraine, and I got a reply. Very thoughtful response, too. Never would've expected it in a million years.

[frogmarch]

109. My heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry for your loss, crimycarny.

[Stinky The Clown]

111. So painful. Yet such a wonderful story about the phone call

[Scottie Mom]

112. I send my love and sympathy

Thank you for telling us about this and the response from the Biden WH.

[gldstwmn]

113. I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so impressed but not surprised that the White House reached out to you. What a lovely gesture. This is the level of class and true American leadership that we voted for.

[papa3times]

114. Very, very sorry

for your tragic loss. Contrast that with the previous administration. Doing something like returning a call to your email wouldn't even occur to them. I hope the American people can stick with this guy to deliver us from fascism.

[MontanaMama]

115. I have no words.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your son. I cannot imagine your grief. If I could, I would sit with you and listen to you speak of him. I lost my mother and an uncle to suicide….but a child? I am so sorry.

[Raine]

116. I'm so sorry 💔 🕯