Hi! I知 a rapist. I知 one of those men who likes to force myself on women without their consent.....
***Disclaimer*** While this is correctly deemed "satire", this open letter to conservatives may very likely 'trigger' deep emotional responses in women who have been raped, women who have become pregnant as a result of rape, and women who have given birth and raised the child born of the rape.
Women like me. I hope at some point to be able to put my life experiences into words, the incest at the hands of my grandfather, the several molestations and near molestations as a child, the first time I was raped at age 14, the suicide attempt immediately thereafter, the last time I was raped at age 17, and the subsequent pregnancy from this rape. The emotional damage I incurred over the first 18 years of my life lasts to this day.
Triggers.
Todd Akin triggered an emotional breakdown several months ago. And damn near every day I read something else proposed by the GOP that triggers me back yet again... I want to write of this, but I am terrified at the same time. I kept my baby and he is now a man who looks just like my rapist. I am 58 years old, but the trauma of these experiences have left me as broken and scared. The scars will never heal.
I don't know why I just shared this, but I am going to post it and deal with the pain as it comes.
The reason for this post:
October 25, 2012 By John Scalzi
WARNING: this post is going to be oh-so-very-triggery for victims of rape and sexual assault. I am not kidding.
Dear certain conservative politicians:
Hi! I’m a rapist. I’m one of those men who likes to force myself on women without their consent or desire and then batter them sexually. The details of how I do this are not particularly important at the moment — although I love when you try to make distinctions about “forcible rape” or “legitimate rape” because that gives me all sorts of wiggle room — but I will tell you one of the details about why I do it: I like to control women and, also and independently, I like to remind them how little control they have. There’s just something about making the point to a woman that her consent and her control of her own body is not relevant against the need for a man to possess that body and control it that just plain gets me off. A guy’s got needs, you know? And my need is for control. Sweet, sweet control.
So I want to take time out of my schedule to thank you for supporting my right to control a woman’s life, not just when I’m raping her, but for all the rest of her life as well.
Ah, I see by your surprised face that you at the very least claim to have no idea what I’m talking about. Well, here’s the thing. Every time you say “I oppose a woman’s right to abortion, even in cases of rape,” what you’re also saying is “I believe that a man who rapes a woman has more of a right to control a woman’s body and life than that woman does.”
Oh, look. That surprised face again. All right, then. On the chance that you’re not giving me that surprised face just for the sake of public appearances, let me explain it to you, because it’s important for me that you know just how much I appreciate everything you’re doing for me.
So, let’s say I’ve raped a woman, as I do, because it’s my thing. I’ve had my fun, reminding that woman where she stands on the whole “being able to control things about her life” thing. But wait! There’s more. Since I didn’t use a condom (maybe I’m confident I can get other people to believe it was consensual, you see, or maybe I just like it that way), one thing has led to another and I’ve gotten this woman pregnant.
Full text of open letter
= new reply since forum marked as read
I cannot say, in terms strong enough, how sorry I am for what you have gone through, and what you will go through.
The letter may indeed be satire, but I'm willing to bet that there are rapists out there who are at least a little like this fictitious man. It's stunning.
I've lived a life of self-loathing, thinking that somehow it's all been MY fault... years of therapy, but it's only now that I am ripping the veil off these dark secrets and sharing with my family, and friends, and with strangers here and now, on DU, but oh! So much shame and hurt and pain and pain and pain... I am terrified every day.
I am brave right now though. Tonight I am open.
Thank you for your kindness, Peggy.
Thank you for posting
out of something so deeply horrific. My son is a fine, upstanding man, and I am very proud of him. But he is and always will be a reminder of the darkest time in my life.
Love the women and girls in your life, especially the young ones.. they are precious and deserve nothing but joy and love. On 2nd thought, I don't think you need my advice... I can tell you already know this. 
This world is filled with young girls just like I used to be; let's make sure we have their backs, that we protect their futures, that Roe stays law of the land, and the evil that is the GOP loses BIG this election season.
I slept poorly last night, and I dreaded opening this thread this morning. I am learning to let the shame go, I promise. Every word I type, every thought I share lays the wound(s) fresh again.... BUT I am going to be strong today, and I am going to participate in this thread. Today I am strong.
I appreciate your kind words of support.
We will move Forward into the light together!
You are most welcome.
You are already on your way to writing your story. I am a child of rape, though I am a spitting image of my mother, eventhough I am male. Believe it or not, there are groups for women in your situation specifically, which IMO is so very sad. Perhaps you can reach out to them for help and support.
When he was young, I told him that I had wanted him, and not the relationship with his 'father'; I made up excuses as to why his 'father' wasn't a part of his life. I wanted to protect him, but the day finally came when he was an adult with questions, and so I shared with him.
Even though he was technically grown at that point, it affected him on a primordial level. Even though I tried my best (perhaps over-compensating) to ensure that he was protected from predators, that he had a healthy sense of himself, I *know* he suffered and still suffers from the circumstances of his being. I still wonder if maybe it would have been better if I had withheld this truth from him.
I've never participated in a support group, although I've had years of therapy. I know who I am and why I am the way I am, but knowing hasn't changed the feelings of worthlessness I still harbor deep inside. Every day I make a conscious choice to not harm myself, to self reinforce feelings of value, but, perhaps you're right. I live in a tiny town and work at a non-profit that is the only source of support for victims of rape and domestic violence within 50 miles, so I am wary of opening myself up to those I know personally... again, the feelings of being judged, looked down on - the shame - rise like bile in my throat.
I know better. I can do better. I will try.
Thank you for your kindness, Aegis. Your mom must be a remarkable woman, because she raised a remarkable son. I've enjoyed your posts for years, and I am grateful we get to share this bit of space together.
I've never "got it" with any other piece of writing so immediately and so down-to-my-core. I have his book on my bookshelf (and will read it the minute I get a chance to) because I read a positive review, and now I can see why.
Thank you for sharing your story about your abuse at the hands of people you should have been able to trust, and about your love for your son who looks like your rapist, Melinda. And the cruelty of the men who use pain like yours for political gain is infuriating even to think about--I can't imagine what it's like to have lived that pain and to hear it dismissed.
A million to you for sharing with us and for what you've been through.
And I was immediately moved to post this thread. Scalzi's piece is and should be shocking. A perspective most likely never considered by those other men who want to control women's lives. And I've come to the conclusion that men should never ever be allowed to make laws that directly impact women's PERSONAL lives.
I appreciate your words of understanding, renate; thank you for being kind to me.
and control negatively impact a child's psyche, but I am glad that you can't understand, if that makes sense. I don't think I will ever heal, I can't ever forget, I still have nightmares 50+ years later... there is so much to my story that people would most likely think it a work of fiction, but every bit of it is true. My truth. Forever.
I don't know if I am lucky or not... I struggle every day to lose the negative thoughts, the desire to cut myself or pick my skin raw, the painful memories that are always just below the surface. I do suffer from a diagnosed emotional illness, it's a sticky balance to stave off the omnipresent depression, and the last few months have been some of the most painful times I have known since I was a child.
I was prostrate for 2 days when Akin made his speech. I missed an entire week of work, and I need to work. Akin, Murdoch, Ryan, and their ilk have brought memories to the surface that I have struggled to bury, feelings I've spent years trying to work through, and the end result for me, most lately, especially now, has been struggle.
Struggle not to self harm. Struggle not to hold myself tightly and rock for hours. Howling at the top of my voice that I am a lousy piece of shit.
I know this must appear insane, but I am not insane. I am struggling with the sum total of my experiences at the hands of hateful, domineering, and violently controlling men. Men who didn't give a shit about the child they took so much joy in harming; men like Akin, Murdoch, Ryan, Gingrich, and Romney. The GOP of men.
Okay, /rant. Thank you for the opportunity allowing me to share, and to continue to try and heal, even though I don't think I ever will. I appreciate your kindness, bluesbassman.
Thanks for the appreciation Melinda, but my kindness was just a few strokes on the keyboard, your kindness to yourself is the key. This may sound kind of hokey, but i really do believe that every second brings a new moment for us to control our thoughts and ultimately our destiny. I truly hope that each new moment gives you an opportunity to be kind to yourself. Peace to you my friend.
Lot's of em. Thank you, dear man.
Let me begin by telling you how sorry I am that you have suffered sexual violence at any age, much less as an innocent child. That your innocence and open heart and childhood were destroyed by some twisted criminal predator. Your words convey your empathy; I feel 'your' pain too. I wish I could make it better for all of us.
I was raised SDA (Seventh Day Adventist), and my incestuous maternal grandfather was a Deacon in the church. Indeed. I struggle with anger towards God each and every day of my life. Indoctrination from birth has made it impossible for me to deny there may be some magical mysterious force at work in the universes of space, but a loving and compassionate 'God'? Really?
When Akin made his "legitimate rape" comment last August, I was affected on a visceral level... it was as if I was washed anew in the experience itself more than 40 years old. I read somewhere that the chance of anyone being raped in the US is somewhere between 15-20%. I wonder how many other DUers are in this number? How many others like you and me became enraged or sickened or turned to hurting themselves yet again when he made that hateful, inexcusable comment? How many other grown children have never been helped, and who remain helpless to this day? You're right, Akin and his kind are EVIL incarnate, and not a one of them should be in a position of power where they and their ilk can yet again exercise their sick twisted control over people like you and I.
I also thank you for saying I am brave.... but the truth is I had a child to protect. A child I wanted to know love and happiness and to fly unafraid. I couldn't be selfish enough to end my life - I had to make certain my son had the childhood I never had, that he was surrounded by love and was safe. If I was courageous, it's because my little one made me brave. No other reason. I had therapy so I could equip myself with the tools I needed to protect him... no other reason. But once he was raised and on his own, the feelings rose more prominently, and they are just under the surface. I think I see the same with you as I read your post. You are brave, David. You. Are. Brave.
Maybe we can continue this dialogue one day, at some point. Work calls, writing about this is draining , and so I'm closing for now. I so appreciate the time you've taken to talk about this with me, and I recognize how painful it is for you to do so. But I am so glad you shared with me and DU. Thank you for this David. Stay safe, be well, and know that I am forever grateful for your courage.
-Mel
perhaps the ones who should most read it the conservative politicians who are attempting to make these repulsive laws will see their own reflection in the words-perhaps
wishing peace and happiness to you and your son
Would that they'd even consider any viewpoint other than their own OR that of the special interests who support them. I personally think that men should be prohibited from making laws that directly affect a women's health care decisions, but then again, this isn't feasible.
My son is an amazing man, an educator, and he is my heart. I wish you much peace too, and I apologize for the length of time it's taken to respond to your kindness. Take care
The fact that I didn't puke upon reading this shows I can't relate as well as I wish I could. Still, if I may, I would like to donate a million more to add to Renata's.
And a few kudos to John Scalzi for daring to post such terrifying and hard-hitting satire.
Scalzi presents something I've never seen before, not in print, not in a movie, not in a courtroom (remorse)... and he was spot on with his reference to "triggers". A tough read, but one I am hoping will be shared wide.
Thanks so much for the - right back at you, m'dear.
There's probably some truth there... or maybe they have their own issues of "control" (they get off on it!), misogyny, religious indoctrination, it's cultural, etc. I've never given more than a passing thought as to their motivations. I only know I will continue to believe that men should have no say in a woman's health care decision, period.
I apologize for the length of time it's taken to acknowledge your post, and your kindness, but this is how I need to do this... it's day by day sometimes. Take good care
And on behalf of me and others like me, we thank you. backatchu
Thanks for sharing this and your story.
It's painful, but long past time. Welcome to DU.
It's taking some time to respond to each and everyone of you, but I will answer every post - I will. Talking (writing) about this subject is akin to rubbing salt in an open wound; it's raw and painful and I revisit emotional wounds that overwhelm. I am grateful for each and everyone of you, as well as those who may not have said a word, but leave with a better understanding, changed perspective, sense of compassion, or determination to make a difference.
Thank you for sharing the OP, for responding to me and my story as you have, and thank you for letting me free some of the screams.
This is another reason I love DU. 
I wish I was there to put my physical arms around you. Since I'm not able, just let me say....you make me so proud to be a 'sister' in the universal sense. The female gender is incredible. We are loving, nurturing, forgiving, teaching and such gentle creatures. We are so strong and you ...You amazingly so.
I've edited my post to add something that I read years ago, and has always stayed with me.
The Hebrew Talmud says: "Be very careful if you make a woman cry because God counts her tears. Every tear a woman shed is equivalent of a man's sacrifices in life.
Not because she is a rape victim, but because I never want her to become one. I was, and I know what it's like.
Your story, and the article, moved me to tears, despite the scary triggers.
You are brave, and you are loved, Melinda.
