Meet the parents who refuse to give their kids smartphones

[brooklynite]

Washington Post

For Adriana Stacey, it’s very simple.

“I’ll never buy a smartphone for any of my children,” she says.

It’s a personal stance born of professional experiences. Stacey is a psychiatrist who works primarily with high school and college students in Fayetteville, Ark., and in her practice she routinely asks new patients to swipe open their phones and show her how much screen time they’re clocking per day.

“I rarely find one that’s under nine hours,” she says. “So, these teenagers are spending more time on their phone than they are sleeping.”

[jimfields33]

1. My house would be no less then 13 years old

[Ms. Toad]

14. Ours was 16 -

When she got a driver's license, and could be out stranded by herself, she needed a cell phone. A credit card followed fairly soon after, since I always want her to be able to buy her way to safety (a hotel room, a bus ticket, etc.)

It was a dumb phone. We (parents and any family using cell phones we pay for) haven't had a data plan at all until March (yes, 3 months ago), and then only because the plan changed so 1 gig was included with the plan.

Our daughter is now 30, and she has had her own plan, with data, since she was in her mid-20s.

[jimfields33]

15. That's even better. You did great!

[Ms. Toad]

17. She did have access to the internet -

At home - same computer as her parents used. But until she was in high school she believed I could see anything she was doing online.

I don't remember why - but I checked her search history and discovered she had (innocently) stumbled on some porn pages. From the search she was doing, and the homework she was doing I could tell the search really was innocent. It just happened to coincide with some niche porn. So, out of the blue, I asked her if she found anything interesting online today. She quickly fessed up - with exactly the explanation I expected from the searches she had been doing. I didn't bother to tell her how limited my ability was (or how to clean up her trails).

[forthemiddle]

18. My son is 32

And we had the same rules (dumb phone at 16). We got him a smart phone when he went off to college.
Things have changed (obviously) in the past 15 years, but I still think kids have way too much freedom with the smartphones.
I can't say what I would do if he was in high school now, but he certainly wouldn't have his own phone in elementary school like the majority of kids do now.

[Ms. Toad]

22. Given that we parents still have (mostly) dumb phones

I'm pretty sure we'd make approximately the same decision again.

My spouse just reverted from a smart phone (connected to the internet only when there was free WiFi available) to a flip phone. Technically it's a smart phone with a minor amount of data - but it is difficult enough to use that it may as well be a dumb phone.

[Demsrule86]

45. I use mine as a GPS and to manage my ADHD...honestly, I think technology is fantastic.

I always had computers in the House. My kids got cell phones that connected to the internet. I put software on every computer called big brother after a girl in our town was kidnapped. She was able to call for help with her cell phone that somehow this guy missed. She would undoubtedly be dead if not for the call and her parents also had big brother software which records keystrokes.

[csziggy]

33. If cell phones had been available when I was a teenager, my parents would have given one sooner

At thirteen, when I got my first horse, they probably would have given me a cell phone. I was out riding in the countryside from dawn to dusk, going ten or more miles away from home. The only reason I let my Mom force me to take my driving test was so I could carry feed and hay to where I kept my horse and to scout out new places to ride. I'd taken Driver's Ed - rode my horse to take the classes and left her tied up under a tree while we were doing our practice drives.

I never got into trouble riding - except when the horse fell with me and I was knocked out for about 45 minutes - but my parents would have felt safer if I'd been able to contact them.

[Demsrule86]

43. Nope. I want the ability to track where my kids is at all times...too many bad people out there

to leave a kid unprotected. I would imagine a kid with no ability to call for help would be a target.

[Johnny2X2X]

2. Posted from iPhone

Last edited Tue May 10, 2022, 10:37 AM - Edit history (1)

This is a massive thought experiment being done to the world's population and ewe have no idea the long term effects. An entire population with their noses buried in their phones several hours a day. Crazy.

[2naSalit]

6. Zombification.

Apparently it's a thing.

[Demsrule86]

3. Such parents do their kids a disservice. Like it or not. This is the world they live in.

[Sympthsical]

9. Children's brains are not developed enough to deal with social media

The psychological evidence is there in reams. Facebook's own internal research about Instagram provided tons of evidence of how socially and emotionally damaging their own products could be with teenagers.

Since at least 2019, staff at the company have been studying the impact of their product on its younger users’ states of mind. Their research has repeatedly found it is harmful for a large proportion, and particularly teenage girls.

“We make body image issues worse for one in three teen girls,” said a slide from one internal presentation in 2019, seen by the Wall Street Journal. “Thirty-two per cent of teen girls said that when they felt bad about their bodies, Instagram made them feel worse,” a subsequent presentation reported in March 2020.

Another slide said: “Teens blame Instagram for increases in the rate of anxiety and depression. This reaction was unprompted and consistent across all groups.”

Comprised of findings from focus groups, online surveys and diary studies in 2019 and 2020, the Instagram research shows for the first time how aware the company is of its product’s impact on the mental health of teenagers. And yet, in public, executives at Facebook, which has owned Instagram since 2012, have consistently downplayed its negative impact on teenagers.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2021/sep/14/facebook-aware-instagram-harmful-effect-teenage-girls-leak-reveals

Frankly, I don't trust adults with social media. It's a toxin. But in a free society, adults get their choices. Children get their parents choices, and it's clear some parents don't want their kids engaging in it. Good.

When we talk about healthy children, somehow mental health always slips through those cracks.

[ck4829]

12. Indeed, there are plenty of adults who are taken for a ride by social media

[Act_of_Reparation]

16. This might come as a shock.

But smart phones do more than social media.

[Sympthsical]

26. That's not really an answer

Have you met teenagers with smart phones? I have teenage nieces and nephews. I see them with their phones.

They do other things like take pictures, play games, wander Tik Tok and YouTube (which is a whole other horror that would take a month to get into).

But by and large? Social media.

Psychology has been screaming at us about it for some time now. Social media and screen addiction are major problems for children and teenagers these days. We're supposed to be the ones who follow the science.

[Demsrule86]

39. I heard the same thing about gaming...and making a kid an outcast isn't good psychologically

speaking.

[Sympthsical]

44. Gaming and social media are not the same things

As someone who has been an avid gamer literally his entire life and also young enough to have come up having the internet as a teenager, they are incredibly different interactions. Even online gaming is a lot different than the Gaming Scares of the 90s.

Social media involve interacting with other people. Adolescents need those years to learn how to properly socialize. Let's just say social media are not equipped to teach children how to socialize in healthy ways. We can't even get adults on it to not devolve into monkeys flinging poop.

Allowing children access to it unsupervised is begging for all kinds of social problems. Take incels. Do you think they just appeared out of thin air? That's what happens when you get socially maladjusted people thrown into a social media blender where they can find not only outlets but reinforcement for their unhealthy socializing patterns.

I think saying it's the same as the old gaming complaints is being very cavalier about serious psychological issues that develop from excessive social media use.

And if social media isn't a problem, then whatever Russia managed in 2016 wasn't a problem either, was it? I mean, if social media isn't that bad and doesn't have that much of an impact, what's the complaint here?

People cannot have it both ways.

[Demsrule86]

50. Gaming is done on social media. My son (grown) has friends he met playing WOW.

They are still friends...the ones from Canada came to his wedding in Ohio. I always supervise my kids in any endeavor but I think you are handicapping your kids to not allow them to participate in technology they will use for the rest of their lives is a mistake...and I am old enough to remember the fury about games and gaming...it seemed silly to me at the time and still does. I still have younger kids and a grandchild...I have to wonder what the median age of those who think that denying a kid modern technology and making him/her 'the other'...the weird kid is OK...it is not. I speak from experience. I was sent to junior high in mary Jane shoes and cute little girl dresses.

[Act_of_Reparation]

53. I have a degree in psychology and access to PubMed.

Any studies in particular you think I should look up?

[Demsrule86]

41. I know right?

These darn kids whatever will we do said every previous generation about the current generation.

[Demsrule86]

38. Sorry that is just BS...I was a military brat and when got Dad got out we moved to Connecticut.

He had a job in New York but had lived in Chicago and wanted a rural atmosphere. Those kids were the worst. I was bullied and assaulted. Of course, after I punched a few of them the physical abuse stopped. I have three brothers and a sister.. Although I am a girl; my brothers taught me to defend myself when I was very young-so I hit hard and fought well 'dirty'... I was sent to school in clothes better suited to the little house on the prairie and was an outcast basically. It was a miserable experience. So making your kid the 'other' for no reason is foolish and in the end, you will damage your child.

Do you think a kid with no social media experience can navigate a society when kids in Kindergarten have them? I can't think of any job that a person who could not manage a cell phone could do. My daughter learned to code with her self phone and is making decent money. A better approach would be to monitor your child's exposure...better he/she learns when the parents are still there to help. I can't even imagine a kid in college who had never had a phone or learned the ropes. It wouldn't be pretty. One thing hasn't changed, Kids are often brutal to other kids. Time passes things change, and a smart parent adjusts to the changing times and uses technology to benefit and educate said child.

[Sympthsical]

46. The world you grew up in is not the world as it exists now

I'm not arguing zero social media experience. I am definitely arguing against allowing kids access to it unsupervised via a smart phone.

It's not those "damn kids and their things". It's about recognizing problems that technology is introducing that we have not experienced before.

You're trying to apply a mindset that is not relevant to the technology we live with. It's cavalier and irresponsible.

And it's real weird given how much attention we pay to Republicans/Russia/etc. and their social media presence and influence. Yet somehow, children are totally fine navigating all of it?

How does that get reconciled?

[Demsrule86]

52. Kids picking on kids perceived to be 'weird' hasn't changed. And you are trying to hold

back time...technology has changed and is going to be an integral part of our kids' lives...in every aspect that I can think of...You harm your kids by making them live in a non-technological world when their college admission, jobs, and many other things ( including romance/most kids meet their significant others/partners on the internet these days) will involve such knowledge...the good old days were not so good. You harm your kid when you make him/her be the odd one out. And that is still true today.

[Demsrule86]

42. Well, not teaching your kid anything about technology can only harm them.

Cell phones are not going away...it will never be 1950 or even 1970 again.

[dawg]

4. Monsters!

[madaboutharry]

5. I didn't.

I was so mean! Lol!

[honest.abe]

7. I like the idea of a dumb phone for kids/teens.

Just phone calls and text. Good enough.

https://www.fatherly.com/gear/these-6-dumb-phones-let-your-kids-talk-text-and-well-thats-it/amp/

[oregonjen]

8. Well, these days, kids need smartphones for school

Especially high school and college age.

[LeftInTX]

10. My kids sorta had dumb phones...

They did alot of texting, but that was over 10 years ago.

Schools had a "no phone" in class policy back then.

[MagickMuffin]

11. But the phones could save the kids lives in an emergency

I don't necessarily think the kids can't live without the phones. But the phones have been known to save peoples lives.

[Ms. Toad]

13. By the time kids are old enough to be out by themselves, they need a means to make phone calls.

The world has dramatically changed since I grew up, when all you needed was a quarter for the phone on the corner.

[crazylikafox]

21. The phone on the corner costed a dime

Wow am I old

[Ms. Toad]

23. Looks like it probably was a dime for most of my growing up years.

In 1981 there were still 27 states with dime phone calls. I was in high school in the early 70s. I must be remembering the times after there were cell phones, but before I got one ~ 2000.

[ProfessorGAC]

40. We Must Be Around The Same Age

I was class of '74 but left after my junior year for college.
I also remember dime payphones. I worked as a janitor in college& there was a payphone in the vestibule.
I remember the lobby of the Hancock Building & seeing a bank of phone booths that had to be 100.
That floor space was certainly recouped.

[BlackSkimmer]

34. Wow! How did I survive my childhood, teenage years, young adulthood?

I did know how to operate a pay phone lol.

But wow, how lucky was I?

[MagickMuffin]

35. The world wasn't quite as dangerous back then

I grew up in the 69/70's and sure I didn't have a cellphone. I survived just fine, however the world has gotten a lot more dangerous since then.

Kids can now text their parents when their school is in Lockdown. It could be the last message a parent receives.

I didn't grow up where school lockdowns were a thing. We did Dunk and Cover drills for threat of nuclear bombs falling overhead.

[LakeArenal]

19. Are we talking US kids?

Everyone has a smart phone in Costa Rica. Young and old. No one is zombies out here.

Of course, children here have school year round, wear uniforms to school and work from a very young age. I see children driving ATV’s They play by themselves at the park. Dog run free and unleashed.

When we go to a restaurant, it’s the Gringos staring at their phones not the Ticos.

[Act_of_Reparation]

20. Meet this week's generational warfare piece.

Those forged in the fires of rolodexes will appreciate yet another opportunity to remind us 40-year-old youngsters how deficient we all are when compared to their cohort.

[LizBeth]

24. My kids did not have phone or social forums until 16. I wanted home to be a safe

place as far as social forums. But I also found out that not having a social forum until later, they did not create theirs until they went off to university.

Didn't hurt them at all. As a matter of fact, they took an odd kind of pride in it. Schools would call them on it when told to hand over phones for tests and they would say they did not have one. But I did like that I did that. Saved me money too. I am cheap.

This was about a decade ago. I do not know that it would be that easy now.

[Demovictory9]

25. educational events/ conferences often ask us to "take out our phones" and respond to questions

put on the board through an app. its fun and allows for group participation in non threatening way.

breakdown of answers shown on the board (anonymously).

[LizBeth]

27. My kids are 24 and 27. They did not have that issue. So I did not run into that quandry.

I still did not like what I saw, or see today, with little ones obsessed with phone, the expense and other issues with phone at early age.

How old are these people in educational events/conferences?

[Demovictory9]

29. from college kids in class to adults at conferences. Your kids would have that issue today

[LizBeth]

30. No they would not seeing that at under 16 they were not in either college, or at adult conferences.

[Caliman73]

28. It is about Parenting, at the end of the day.

We have had the very same discussion over the decades with "rock & roll", mini skirts, television, video games, etc...

Some parents just get their children the latest technologies and let the kids run wild. Some parents can be overly protective and restrictive, creating an isolation from their children and peers, other try to strike a balance and actively engage with their children and the technology.

Ultimately, active, engaged parents that engender trust with their kids and help the kids navigate changes in society will help the kids to interact with new technologies, hopefully avoid the pitfalls, and keep the kids adjusting to changes as they mature.

[JCMach1]

31. Psychologists wrote the same about TV in the 1970's, Computer Games

In the 1980s.and 90s, the internet in the 00's... Same as it ever was ...

My 11yo plays football,.does the necessary physical exercise to play at a high level, is a straight A student in advanced classes and yes (gasp) uses a cell phone.

Jeesh people, everything in moderation and we will.all be a lot better off.

[DavidDvorkin]

36. Yep. Any new technology is seen as a threat

To families, to social stability, and especially to the young. The moral outrage dies down eventually, in time for the same reaction to the next new thing.

[Tomconroy]

32. David Leonhardt in the NY Times today had a column

Making the connection between smart phones and the crisis in mental health for young people.

[Arazi]

37. They're just using their friends devices

I guarantee you they’re on smartphones, just not a smartphone you own

[Demsrule86]

47. I seriously have not idea what to say really...I mean I love technology and have used it for

years...taught my kids. I write programs for a living...and work on websites. Smartphones and computers give our kids so many opportunities that we never had. I truly pity those parents who are just making their kids miserable by living in the past...I don't mean to offend but that is what it seems like to me. A kid who is not on social media has no idea what folks say about them but I guarantee you, other kids will show him/her...and since he/she is now different...weird by the kid's standards, she/he will be a target...Ah well to each their own. I personally would not make my kids live in 1970 when it is 2022.

[CrackityJones75]

48. Same shit different era.

[H2O Man]

49. Recommended.

Never had one, never used one. I recognize they have uses, but also abuses.

[Buckeyeblue]

51. Every parent does their own thing. I'm not a restrictive parent

Sometimes it makes parenting difficult because we end up having discussions about less attractive aspects of humanity. But our approach has always been to be honest with the kids and not make them feel self-conscious about any question they have.

We've had some interesting conversations. But so far they are good kids who have empathy for people.