what would you do-how would you feel if you donated money to someone believing they were in need

[demtenjeep]

This discussion thread was locked as off-topic by Spazito (a host of the General Discussion forum).

only to find out that person was using money to buy cigarettes, using instacart for food deliveries and running internet on one phone and paying for a different internet for the half million dollar house they live in?



Would you ask for a refund or would that make you feel like a louse?


I give freely when I feel someone is in dire straits but feel very used!

how would you feel?

[Meadowoak]

1. Get your money back.

[robodruid1]

2. Conflicted

used, and would be more hesitant to contribute again.

I am more willing to help people that i can see are in need, and volunteer in my local community.

[MuseRider]

3. You gave freely

that is what you did as a citizen who helps others.

Just do not give freely again, that is what you do. That person already knows what they did, let them stew in it if they care and if they don't why do you? You gave FREELY. Or not?

[Thtwudbeme]

32. I think the angst is because of the language used

But, for me (and the reason I gave advice, then gave up, then blocked the person) it was that the language used also contained an element of possible abuse - do I know that? No, of course not, and I never will. It was just a gut feeling that I couldn't shake.

I had to block the person- the vibes from the computer screen were just overwhelmingly negative.

Of course, I am only writing for myself. I truly don't know if others picked up the same vibes.

[shrike3]

36. I got the impression the poster was taking the path of least resistance.

If only because he's been here for 21 years. if he's a scammer, why would he wait so long?

My take was that he's never worked, his parents allowed that. Maybe he is disabled, maybe he is not. That's the problem with a site like this. Not enough information. I did not pick up any abuse vibes, but that's me.

[Thtwudbeme]

39. Not abusive towards people donating

elder abuse. There were just some things written that I thought were questionable.

You are probably right- I really have no idea. Like I wrote, I blocked him. More than likely you are correct and I heard hoofbeats and thought "zebras" instead of "cows."

[shrike3]

42. I did not pick that up, no. But you may be right. We have no way of knowing.

One of the problems with GFMs. Why we don't donate to them unless we know the person. We also prefer to do things like spaghetti dinner fund raisers. They do them a lot around here, for people with medical expenses. We like to keep it local. Easier that way, you know where your money's going.

[Thtwudbeme]

46. Agreed. But the poster doesn't sound like he has a network at all-

So, nobody local to do a fundraiser in this case-

It is concerning, and I wish he would contact a social worker. I wish his Mom were getting help other than "phone appointments."

[shrike3]

48. Yes, I know he doesn't. He made that clear.

If she is in an unsafe situation, other than making a call to Adult Protective Services in his area, there's little a stranger can do?

[hunter]

49. Yeah, I'm not going to worry it if I see some homeless person I gave ten dollars to...

... coming out of the liquor store with a bottle of cheap booze.

The money's not mine any more. Sometimes you make the world a better place, sometimes you don't. That's true of any money you spend.

I feel the same way about "loans" to family and friends. Sometimes it comes back, sometimes it doesn't.

Things only get out of hand if I give away, spend, loan out, gamble, or invest money in ways that might damage my own personal security.

[leftstreet]

4. It's not up to me to determine another's needs

If someone needs cigarettes or food deliveries, that's up to them

Only helping people we decide are "deserving" is kinda last century

[shrike3]

5. Exactly. n/t

[Shrek]

38. "Nobody needs an AR/15"

You can read it right here on this very website.

[hunter]

51. Have you been donating money to people who think they "need" guns?

Personally, I think that's a bad idea.

[Shrek]

52. I was responding to the notion in post 4

"It's not up to me to determine another's needs"

I think it's more nuanced than that.

[MerryBlooms]

6. When I give someone money, that money no longer belongs to me.

I don't give it another thought, it's up to them how they spend the money.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

31. Bingo.

Just like when I give some one a gift, the object is no longer mine and they can do with it what they wish.

[arlyellowdog]

7. Everybody with a heart has been used

It sucks, but cut ties. Wash that person out of your life and do whatever mind games it takes to get away. These types can live in your head. Count on karma. It’s only money and purge yourself of them and the anger, but keep being a good person.

[Ptah]

8. Is this about a DU member?

[shrike3]

11. Of course n/t

[DakotaSnow]

13. I take it

This is about a certain post here that now has 300 views. I myself considered it a GoFundMe scam.

[Ocelot II]

9. Let it go.

It's happened to me (except that the person totally lied and basically stole from me), and I was seriously pissed off, but there was nothing I could do. I wanted to help, did it in good faith, so the bad karma was on him and not on me.

[Pobeka]

10. Some "street" people are also just con artists.

Many years ago we watched a woman get out of a very new, very expensive SUV with sign asking for money, god bless, etc and head for the corner and start panhandling. Another member of the vehicle got out and headed for the shopping strip, which was a higher end strip. It was very disgusting, particularly when we are driving a vehicle that is 20 years old, saving our dimes to help fund our children's education.


We never give to a panhandler. Always to food kitchens and the like. It may be a little robbing Peter to pay Paul, but at least the $ we give goes directly towards food for the very poor or homeless.

[blm]

12. Don't change yourself as a reaction.

Changing yourself is an action you take FOR your personal reasons, not as a reaction to someone else’s behavior. Just my opinion.

[shrike3]

14. How do you know they have a half-million dollar house?

And if it's in foreclosure, what difference does that make?

Once again, this is why DU should not host GFMs. Too much ill will, whether the poster is legit or not.

[demmiblue]

15. Just fucking stop.

[obamanut2012]

16. I would report it to the fundraiser site as fraud

With evidence.

I would feel stupid AF, I would feel duped, and I probably would never help anyone like that again. Folks like that ruin it for all the legit folks in need.

[demtenjeep]

17. I do feel stupid

and used


and my empath heart hurts

[bigtree]

18. most of my middle class neighborhood has houses valued at 500k

...I wouldn't presume the owners are financially stable because of the house they live in. That should be obvious.

Internet is essential for so many things required, that it should be considered essential. Folks without access can actually be forced to pay more to complete transactions and make payments.

[Chainfire]

19. I would accept it as a lesson and move on.

[greenjar_01]

20. Was a scam from go

Honestly, do not give money through internet GFMs.

Do not do it.

[eShirl]

21. I don't know but I wouldn't complain about it in General. n/t

[H2O Man]

22. Two true stories .....

Years ago, when my oldest brother was on a rapid downhill slide from head injuries sustained in boxing and the Irish Flu, I gave him a few hundred dollars to buy food. After I left, I thought I'd hang around in the village he lived in, to make sure he didn't buy any white powder with the cash I had given him. I watched him walk towards the store, then interact with some youngsters, before turning around and going back to his house. So I went in, and asked him why he hadn't bought needed groceries? He said that he had met two poor kids, and gave them the money I gave him. I wasn't exactly happy, but couldn't be mad, for he had always given to those poorer than him.

Next, I took my teenaged daughter to visit her boyfriend at his college. We went to McDonald's. As we left, an old man asked me if I could spare a quarter, as he wanted to buy a meal. I gave him my last $10. As we got in my vehicle, the young man asked me why I did that? Surely I knew the guy would spend it on booze? I pointed out that he was a consevative christian, and noted that Jesus said he would appear to us as the poor. I said my giving that man money was between me and "God." What he did with it did not involve me. However, we sat in the parking lot long enough to see the guy buying about $10 worth of food inside.

[Tree-Hugger]

24. I don't do purity tests when I donate

When I give, the money is gone. It's a choice I make. What the person does with it is between them and their conscience. Mine is clear.

I've been poor enough to rely on donations in the past and we struggle now as we try to rebuild after pandemic nonsense. I know what it's like to have people tally up every possession I own, wonder why I have a phone or internet access, and ask why I have a car/apartment/purse/shoes/nail polish. I've paid for ice cream for my kids with SNAP and have felt self conscious about it because the right wingers act like it's a sin for poor people to have any tiny bit of joy. It's not cool and those are right wing talking points based on their beloved "welfare queen" myth.

As for instacart.....people on EBT do not have any other option in my state for grocery delivery. Instacart will accept EBT. The pandemic, when many people could get grocery delivery, was very hard on SNAP users, especially those of us in the high risk category. As usual, the poor got fucked over and couldn't rely on using a delivery service to get groceries and keep themselves safe at home. Now, in 2022, most states are allowing SNAP users to utilize Instacart for grocery delivery. I believe Walmart+ is another option, but possibly more expensive. I get that scammers exist out there, but these delivery methods are sometimes the only way SNAP users who are disabled, without transportation, or otherwise unable to travel to grocery stores are able to get their groceries.

I know you feel scammed. If you donate on GFM you have the option to ask for the money back. I know who you are talking about as you have made several posts about this person already. I personally donated my time to compile local resources. I get that you personally feel taken advantage of and maybe that is any issue to direct straight to site admins rather than make these types of posts. Because, while you are speaking of a specific person, the wording you use regarding house prices, grocery delivery, etc as directly harmful to poor people as a whole and helps perpetuate the GOP myth that poor people are lazy scammers. We know better.

[shrike3]

25. Agree with all your points.

The problem with a site like this, everything that goes on does so anonymously. We have user names. I liked your post in the other thread, because it pinpointed local services. Such services ARE the only real long term solution. Even a legit GFM is a band-aid.

[ShazzieB]

26. The only thing that would really bother me are the cigarettes.

And that's just due to a personal quirk of mine. I happen to hate, loathe, and detest cigarettes with the fire of 1,000 suns after watching them slowly destroy my parents' health and kill them both prematurely. I had to sit on the sidelines and watch them in the throes of addiction year after year until my dad's heart finally gave out and my mother followed him to the grave a few years later due to a combination of COPD and congestive heart failure. It sucked, cigarettes suck, and I would never knowingly choose to enable someone else's tobacco addiction.

But that's just me, and I know my feelings about cigarettes are extreme and perhaps not entirely rational. I also agree with what someone said about not regarding money as mine anymore once I've given it to someone.

That said, I would personally rather help people by donating to, say, a food bank or a homeless shelter than give it directly to an individual, if I thought it might be spent on cigarettes. But again, I know I'm probably not what a lot of people would consider 100% rational where smoking is concerned.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Smoking stinks. If you don't smoke, don't start. If you do smoke, please consider quitting. It may be hard, but it will be worth it. The life you save may be your own. (P.S. Yes, I know I'm an anti-tobacco extremist, but I have my reasons. Sorry if that makes anyone uncomfortable.)

[demtenjeep]

27. I quit smoking 9 years ago

because of health reasons but also that they became so expensive

[LuckyCharms]

28. I would do what I always do, and feel the same way I always feel.

Nobody is forcing me to give. I give freely to whomever I feel can use it.

If it turns out to be a scam, or not quite what I thought it was, then that is on me.

I don't expect to be right all of the time, but in the scheme of life, giving to others more often than not is a good thing to do.

I've been scammed a few times, but I'd say 95% of the time, my charitable contributions have helped someone out, so I don't worry about the few times it does not work out.

[Thtwudbeme]

29. I can only tell you what I did: I started offering advice...then when it was apparent that the

was not trying to help themselves...I blocked them.

Let life move on gently and without a constant reminder. Be glad you are not like that.

I also went in the yard, sat in my favorite chair and watched the clouds for a little bit.

[tavernier]

30. Happened to me when I as 19.

I’m 75 now and never forgot that lesson. I still give often with a loving heart, and I still trust… but I take the steps to verify.

[Demsrule86]

33. Once I give money. It is up to the person I gave it too to choose how it is spent. I lived

poor years ago as a single Mom in a project. Sometimes you are just so damn tired of it. Thus I would not judge nor care how folks spent the money. I gave 20.00 to a homeless person recently and some blonde Karen type informed me my money would be spent on booze and/ or drugs...after telling her to mind her own business. I opined that if it bought this person some happiness so what?

[genxlib]

34. Some internet wisdom that always struck me as profound

I have no attribution but I saw this expressed somewhere and I always try to live by it

We shouldn't particularly care why they need help, whether they're drug addled, lazy, lost, sick or handicapped. Our interest in feeding the hungry and clothing the shirtless should not exist because we think THEY are particularly good people. It should exist because WE want to be.

Having said that, I nearly always avoid giving money in unmonitored situations. I prefer to give all of my donations in larger lump-sum amounts to a variety of solid and verified charities. Partly because I want to avoid these kinds of situations but largely because I think they can do more good with my money. I feel like a food bank can use my money to feed more people than a few random handouts would. But once I donate to a charity I feel good about, I don't think twice about the validity of the recipients at all.

[Emile]

35. I would feel conned.

[LexVegas]

37. I would passive aggressively post about it on a message board. nt

[MineralMan]

40. I'd just write it off to experience.

Donating is a good thing to do. There's nothing to feel stupid about.

[Lettuce Be]

41. I believe if I give a gift, the giftee has every right to do as they please

Else it is not a gift at all but a ... I dunno what it is. Give freely.

[Chautauquas]

43. Once is not that problematic

but if that person continued to ask for more (and in the case I think you're talking about, they are) I would not donate a second time.

[SKKY]

44. If I give someone money, I have no expectation of getting it back...

...nor do I question their motives. I know what my intentions are and that's what guides me.

[FSogol]

45. You were charitable to someone not deserving charity. Live and learn. n/t

[SYFROYH]

47. caveat emptor

[Solomon]

50. I'm a sucker for anybody that asks. I give money freely. Except one woman who would hang outside

my office and stalk me everyday because she knew I am a giver. I caught her playing the lottery with the money I give her so I stopped giving to her. Everyone gets a free first bite with me. I usually don't care what you spend it on, but buying lottery tickets is a no no for me.

[hunter]

53. My parents had more children than they could comfortably support.

We always had food and shelter, but nearly everything else was a luxury, even things people now take for granted like televisions and refrigerators. Two of my siblings left home at sixteen to forge their own ways.

As a consequence, I suppose, I always feel like I'm flying pretty high with my $1,000 cars, my $100 a year cell phone plan, my cheap basic internet service, and mostly vegetarian rice and beans diet. (My wife has higher standards but she gets paid more too.)

Two important skills I learned as a young person were how to cook, and how to fix stuff like cars or toilets.

As a young adult with mental health issues I also learned how to live rough. That's my basic feral state. But all-in-all I'd rather have skipped that part. My parents and my siblings would tell you they were always there for me, and they were, but I didn't want their help. I didn't want anyone's help and could be quite belligerent about it too, burning many bridges behind me.

[ARPad95]

54. I donated to the individual in a previous GFM, but haven't since.

I think both he and his mother were entirely dependent on the father/husband to the point of ending up in this very difficult to reverse state of learned-helplessness after his death. Why learn to do for yourself when somebody else is willingly and even lovingly doing it for you? I saw it happen with my dh's family. The two siblings (oldest daughter and youngest son) who went to my in-laws the most for every little or big financial disruption in their lives are also the most messed up adults in terms of managing their finances now that the gravy train, err, parents are deceased.

IMO, nothing is going to get better in the long run for this DUer until he breaks away/cuts-the-cord from his mother and vice versa. The state of learned-helplessness is just being prolonged by him using her to plead for GFM donations and she using him to keep from having to deal with her depression and anxiety on her own.

[Spazito]

55. *LOCKING*

Host consensus is this OP doesn't meet the criteria in the SOP for this forum:

Discuss politics, issues, and current events.