Need advice on daughter coming out to grandparents

[underpants]

I will cross post in LGBT.

My daughter is gay and under 18. Of course we’re cool with that. The in-laws (all of them) are coming into town this week. The grandparents are in their 80’s and they know almost nothing of LGBT. We may think it’s on peoples’ radar but it’s not, at least with the grandfather.

The grandfather also has limited heart function. My wife is very concerned that it could be too much for him.

My daughter feels as though she’s living a lie to them. They live a good distance away so we don’t see them but maybe 2-3 a year. We are planning on going to the grandparents (and brother in laws) area at Christmas. We are trying to convince our daughter to wait until the grandparents are at their home and not hundreds of miles from it.

My wife and I have a dilemma:
Convince her to wait.
If she doesn’t want to, should we tell the grandparents ahead of time. I know I know that’s us outing her but see health concerns above.

They will be here in 4 days. Thoughts?

[meadowlander]

1. Without knowing the grandparents it's hard to say.

How big of a surprise is it likely to be to them and are they likely to be accepting or not?

It's 2022 so the existence of LGBTQ+ people shouldn't really be heart attack inducing.

I don't think it's a good idea to out your daughter without her knowledge. It's her story to tell when and where she's ready. Imagine if someone warned your wife ahead of time that you were about to propose to her because they were worried the shock would give her a heart attack and then you could tell from her reaction that she already knew it was coming. That was your one and only chance to have that moment with her and someone ruined it for you.

Also, she may be planning to tell them but could change her mind and then you've taken that choice away from her completely.

Can you talk through with your daughter a way to do it that isn't a jumping out of a cake surprise but maybe a longer conversation that feels them out on the issue first? It doesn't have to be done in a way that's a surprise or shock and it doesn't have to be a one and done conversation. Or tell the grandmother that doesn't have health issues first and ask her how best to break it to the grandfather since she might know him better.

[underpants]

12. Thanks.

I think it was going to be with just them. Her and them so no big surprise.

[greatauntoftriplets]

2. When my great-nephew came out several years ago, his conservative grandfathers surprised us.

They were fine with it, as was his step-father, also a conservative.

YMMV, of course, and I don't know much about your in-laws. Your wife clearly does, and the health issues are a concern.

Might it be possible to tell the grandmother first to gauge her reaction? Other than that, I have no idea.

But good luck with it and courage to your daughter. My great-nephew was about the same age when he came out. And it came as a complete surprise to us all, even his mother.

[meadowlander]

6. Anecdotally I know a lot of people whose grandparents were more accepting of them than their parents

even when they expected them to be more conservative.

Some people mellow with age and generally grandkids get a pass on everything.

[greatauntoftriplets]

14. That's very true.

It took years for my conservative brother-in-law to admit that his oldest brother was gay. My jaw dropped when I finally heard him refer to it.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

3. What outcome do you want?

[underpants]

4. I want her to be happy and grandpa to be healthy

I hope that’s not too simplistic.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

18. What happens if you only get half of that?

[underpants]

21. Then I would not consider that as a good

[Deuxcents]

5. Is there ever a "good time" to come out?

I don’t know but.. the grandparents are elderly n it’s a holiday so.. maybe a conversation about the subject from to get an idea of how they feel or if they even have any feelings about it. My thought is, if they love her, it won’t matter but timing is a consideration.. imo

[Effete Snob]

7. With all due respect, you and your wife do not have a dilemma

"We are trying to convince our daughter..."

Why not explain your point of view and let her make her own choices concerning her identity.

Why is this your issue and not hers?

If you can "convince her to wait" then why not convince her to be straight and be done with it.

I am certain your parents grew up with gay people. Your parents worked with gay people. Your parents have known gay people all their lives. Maybe they didn't talk to you about it, but they did not exist in some alternate universe all their lives.

[underpants]

13. I used those words for brevity I guess

We don’t just tell her to do things. We are trying to “direct” or “advise” her.

[Effete Snob]

15. I get it

But you may be underestimating your parents.

[LeftInTX]

8. How is your daughter's judgement? Is she able to "read a room"? Is she subtle etc?

She might surprise you. She may decide on her own that she may not want to tell them now. Or she may have a way of telling them that will sit right with them.

I probably wouldn't tell the grandparents ahead of time. Kids are wiser than we give them credit for when it comes to stuff like this. (Of course they generally don't interact very wisely with their parents..LOL, But that's how all kids are! However, grandma and grandpa are always a different story..

[gratuitous]

9. How much under 18?

If she's younger than 15 or 16, I'd counsel her to hold onto her news. Not for anyone else's sake, but her own. If there's hostility and rejection, it can absolutely crush a younger person. If she's 15 or 16, or mature beyond her years, I'd counsel her to be ready for "No" as well as "Yes." That's a skill that even many grown ups don't possess, but is imperative here. Ask her to think about it overnight, then have a brief talk tomorrow about what she sees as her reaction to a negative response. Of course, assure her that no matter which way things go, she has your unconditional love (and that the grandparents may realize they have that for her, too, just not right at the moment).

Things have changed a lot in the last 10 to 20 years, and even us older folks can sometimes surprise the younger ones.

[underpants]

16. 17

Yeah they do love her (of course) and will PROBABLY be okay with it. Grandpa is quite a character and has very little filter.

[Scottie Mom]

32. I was going to ask how old she is.

I would talk to her about your concerns -- just be up front. The fact that you and your wife are accepting should make her feel OK to be up front with you and reply without things coming to an argument with hurt feelings on both sides.

Next question: Have the grandparents ever said anything about LGBT issues? If they have, maybe you can estimate their feelings. My parents would not have been accepting at all. LOL, they were alarmed that I was a registered Democrat! You might want to come to some opinion, if possible, based on what your parents have done and said in the past. Maybe to gauge the feelings of the grandparents, consider if they have said anything positive or negative about someone like Pete Buttigieg.

I would simply without a ton of words come right out and tell her your concerns. If the grandparents love her, IMO, they will respect her as the person she is. After all: She simply is who she is.

[MineralMan]

10. Hmm....I'd tell your daughter what you told us,

if you haven't already done that. Explain your concerns. Then, let her decide what to do, since she'd the one who should be telling whomever she tells.

Have faith in her and trust her judgment on this. I definitely would not break the news to her grandparents. That's something she should do for herself, despite being younger than 18.

That's my opinion. You asked.

[underpants]

17. Thanks.

My wife is doing must of this because frankly the mother daughter relationship.

[MineralMan]

19. Got it. It's a delicate sort of thing.

Unpredictable, too. I hope it all goes well.

[Elessar Zappa]

11. I can offer no insights except

don’t tell the grandparents ahead of time. That should be up to her.

[underpants]

20. Yeah.

It’s an interesting family dynamic. We’ve been married 20 years and I still don’t understand them.

[sarisataka]

22. Went through the exact same thing a couple years ago

The only difference was the grandparents are close so we often see them several times a month.

It ended up being a non-issue, the grands were very accepting.

We approached it as others have advised. We talked to our daughter but ultimately left the choice of what to do or say to her. We were willing to support her regardless.

[underpants]

25. Thanks.

Yeah it is her decision.

[Happy Hoosier]

23. Always hard..... here's our advice to our daughter....

My daughter is Bi....maybe gay. Of course, her Mom and I are fine with that, but her Grandmother (her only surviving Gradparent) is a VERY traditional Catholic. She will never be okay with it.

My daughter wants to be her authentic self, and I get it. But she also loves her Grandma.

My advice? Don't open that can of worms. Her Grandma is in her 90's, and lives pretty far away. My daughter is 20. There is a good chance Grandma passes before my daughter ever decides on a long-term committed relationship. So, I told her that she can, of course, do what she thinks best, but if she wants to maintain any kind of relationship with her Grandma, maybe don't volunteer info unless it becomes relavant. We've had a number of political tussles with her over the years, and we've made it clear we don't want to hear any homophobic BS. And she mostly follows that rule.

Good Luck! Not an easy choice.

[wryter2000]

24. What little I know on the subject

People sometimes have the ability to love the gay person and/or their partner, if they have one, without changing their overall beliefs. I know someone with a very conservative family who welcomed and loved his husband. "Our Will," they call him. But they continue to believe their faith tells them being gay is wrong. Truly weird. They can't see that every gay person is someone's Will.

[boston bean]

26. She plans on telling them on Christmas? Naw. Your daughter should realize

that is not the time, especially if it may cause family tension she should tell them ahead of time.

[wiggs]

27. This is an opportunity to grow for everyone...based on honesty, truth, reality, and love. It will

be OK.

Also...there will always be health reasons not to share this info with elderly relatives, and I suspect most grandparents would feel robbed of the opportunity to really know their grand daughters and share their lives fully.

[pnwmom]

28. You could tell your daughter what you've told us.

That it is her decision whether she comes out to her grandparents now or not, and you'll always love and support her no matter what -- but your wife is concerned that the grandfather is so clueless about these matters, that the shock could affect his heart, which already has been damaged.

Your daughter's feelings are completely justified, and you know that people in her grandparents' generation should be better informed, but this is the situation you're facing.

We have a friend who was in a similar situation when a son came out as a transwoman in his forties. The friend and her daughter decided not to try to explain this to the grandparents, and they've never regretted it. (The grandparents did die within a few years.)

[WhiskeyGrinder]

29. I'm not clear: Does your wife think this would give her dad a heart attack?

[underpants]

36. Yes it could

[Solly Mack]

30. It's her choice and her truth to tell.

I want to say talk it over with her, voicing your concerns...but.

Here's the thing...health concerns are valid concerns but it's also like guilting your daughter. Hold off telling them lest you being you kills your grandfather.

The "too much for him" does seem to imply the worry is causing his limited heart function to cease.

I'm not trying to be a hard-ass, underpants. I'm truly not.

I just think her truth is her truth to tell. That includes when and how she tells it...and to whom.

I don't think her being underage is a factor either. Regardless of who can make legal decisions for her, they still can't decide this for her.

She is who she is.

You're not sparing anyone by expecting her to live a lie - even for a little while longer. Even for what may be a good cause.

Once you start feeling like not being able to be the real you is living a lie, you are already feeling everything that comes with that -

Lack of acceptance.
Having to control what you say and how you say it - and to whom. This creates barriers that come between you and the rest of your family and friends. And it often causes resentment.
Feelings that you being you is somehow not right - that it is wrong. Otherwise, the telling should come without problems, yes?


Family will have different reactions to someone speaking their truth, I know that. But what matters most is that they get to speak that truth when they're ready to, and that you and your wife respect that and accept that.

It's her choice to make.

Talking it over with her would be a good thing but let her know it's her truth to tell and that you support how she handles it.

Don't make it seem as if how it will impact others should determine how she lives or who she tells.

You're asking her to suppress her truth just to keep peace with others.

If she feels more comfortable telling them on her own territory, that just makes sense.

That's where she feels safest.

It isn't about the comfort of others - it really is about her comfort.

This is about her life and how she wants to live it.

Honest and open.

Love flourishes best when it can be experienced that way.



I'm sorry if I've given offense in any way.

Not my intentions.


No easy answers, really.

[meadowlander]

34. This is exactly right.

What's missing here is appropriate boundaries.

As a Rainbow person the daughter's job is to be the best Rainbow person she can be, not to worry about the theoretical impacts on the health of other people who can't cope with knowing something about her identity.

Also, discussing it face to face is better than doing it over the phone. If this is one of her few opportunities to do that, then it shouldn't matter that it's Christmas or that it may "ruin the holidays". Christmas comes every year. Speaking your truth to the people you love for the first time is a once in a lifetime event.

[underpants]

37. No problem Solly. Never.

Our skins are thickened from years being on DU.

I really appreciate what you put into that post. Much to think about.

[Solly Mack]

40. ...

And to you



Your humor and your love will shine through, I know it.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

39. This is a fantastic answer.

[Emile]

31. It might surprise you but the grandparents might already know.

If not, they're going to find out sooner or later.

[lindysalsagal]

33. Is your child ready for a very negative reaction from them? Do you think that's likely?

Maybe the term "lying" is inaccurate: Grandchildren are under no obligation to tell their grandparents all about every detail of their lives. Complete disclosure of every detail is not a requirement for being a good grandchild.

This is a judgement call, but think ahead that the relief they are looking for may not happen, or may be instead, something that changes their relationship in a way they had not expected.

My Dad is 90 and very loving, but would reject this sort of news.

[ForgedCrank]

35. If I were her,

I'd have to ask myself, why is it even their business? Why is it so important to even tell them?
I don't mean to sound harsh about it, that is not the intent, but I wouldn't feel any need at all to announce it to anyone. It won't affect them knowing or otherwise.
I'd never lie if asked, but I'd live my life and let them figure it out on their own, and in their own time.
That's my passive opinion of it anyway.

[Wingus Dingus]

38. My husband and I are generally the ones who tell the grandmas and grandpas

and other relatives the vital details about our kids, even now as adults. Dating/marriage news, job news, health problems. My kids don't talk to their grandparents on a weekly basis the way I do. They only see them once every year or two, because we are all living in different parts of the country, and they don't hold phone conversations with the grands beyond texting Happy Birthday Grandpa! etc. So in our family news like this would be handled by me on the phone, first--so that I could let the grandparents have private time beforehand to process it, and I could warn them in advance that my kid is concerned/sensitive about the opinions and responses he might get from relatives. Good luck!

[mercuryblues]

41. How about a soft reveal

When the grandparents ask about dating, a reply saying she isn't interested in that. Or if they ask if she has a crush on a boy, just say nope no crushes on boys today. Side stepping questions, without a lie. Then the next time she sees them she can have the talk.

[Dorian Gray]

42. Support your daughter with handing this the way she

thinks is best for herself. Support her in handling the reaction.... any reaction.... whether good or bad. If your parents are negative, tell them that this is your daughter's home and a safe place for her, and they need to respect her if they're in it. If they aren't willing to do that, they aren't welcome.

Are they really so bigoted that this news would cause a health condition? That's depressing.

My own parents may not be super understanding, but they'd have to deal with it, especially when on our territory.

[Niagara]

43. My daughter come out around the time she was 18 years old.

Her father (my ex) was texting me about how he didn't agree with it and it's just a phase, and blah, blah, blah. I sent him a text and basically told him to put his big boy pants on and deal with it.


Her paternal grandparents are MAGAts to the core and accept the fact that their only granddaughter is gay. Her maternal grandparents are Democratic and accept the fact that their only granddaughter is gay.


The only issue we've had have been the step-grandparents, who are MAGAts. They literally canceled Christmas one year when they found out that my daughter was gay and that her new girlfriend would be tagging along for the Christmas festivities. Step-sibling and spouse hosted that Christmas and no one in our house was invited.


My point being, is coming out to grandparents can be tricky and may not be necessary (AKA no dilemma). Don't out your daughter, if she wants to come out to her grandparents; she will when she's ready.

Hugs to you and your family.

[underpants]

44. Thank you.

[A HERETIC I AM]

45. If they are in their 80's, they have been around a LONG time.

Don't underestimate their ability to take in dramatic (to them, perhaps) news.

They have seen a lot. Unless they have lived in a cave with no TV or any media, they understand that people with alternate sexualities exist.

[Skittles]

46. your daughter should know that health concerns come first

tell her the grandparents need a soft landing, and do what you think is best

[underpants]

49. Thanks.

[meadowlander]

52. Having to lie about your identity can trigger suicidal depression. That's a health concern.

It's a terrible idea to somehow make the daughter's expression of her sexual orientation tied to grandpa's health. How is she supposed to feel if he does (coincidentally) have a decline or dies after she breaks the news?

The one thing has nothing to do with the other. Her job is to be the person that she is. Grandpa's job is to deal because at the end of the day it doesn't really have anything to do with him and he needs to recognize that.

[Skittles]

53. no one says she has to lie

but there are other concerns besides her

[meadowlander]

54. Not when she's being asked to hide or suppress a fundamental aspect of who she is.

Unless you want to point to some scientific research that links family members coming out with significant health concerns and even then do we want to live a society that says some people can't be who they are because other people might be upset about it and that upset might trigger health problems?

Boundaries. People have a right to be who they are regardless of how other people choose to respond to it. The response is a choice. The identity is not.

[Skittles]

55. how about we let underpants do what he thinks is right

OVER AND OUT

[meadowlander]

56. Because it's not his identity?

And he asked for peoples' opinions?

And frankly it's harmful messaging to LGBTQ+ people reading this website that they should stay in the closet out of fear of upsetting people. Seriously, what decade are we in?

[Ilsa]

47. Are her grandparents really concerned about her sexuality?

I'd advise her to leave it alone unless it comes up or she feels demeaned by their possibly blind judgment.

[ecstatic]

48. The thing is, they probably know already. It's just a question of

if they want to shove her back in the closet or not. Maybe test the waters by bringing up an example of another gay couple or something and see how that conversation goes.

Personally speaking, I don't understand why it's any of their business. Of course, I'm a more private person, so I can't relate to a burning desire to spill all my business (regardless of the topic involved).

[Amishman]

50. soft approach and just mention she's exploring her identity in that area?

essentially bring it 'public' but down play it?

Gets it in their head that there might be something in that direction, but might mitigate the 'my granddaughter is a lesbian' hit. Also avoids the hard shock if someone makes a comment later and they didn't know.

[hunter]

51. I'm hearing my grandma's voice in my head...

If it kills them they needed to die.