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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsMy Wife's Friend of 55+ Years...
...& her college roommate came home from The Keys to go into the hospice her sister founded about 40 years ago.
She basically has cancer of everything now, but started as lung cancer.
Went through chemo & radiation 3 times, but it just kept coming back.
She's lived in Florida ever since she returned from the Peace Corps is 1980. She was a social worker for the state. Retired 2 years ago. Been a crummy retirement.
Been taking my wife to see her every other day since the 7th spending a couple hours to spell the family.
Today seemed like the end is near. She was talking about seeing people earlier today that have been dead 10 to 20 years. She forgot my name and we met in 1981, and saw each other about every 3 years since.
She couldn't keep her eyes open. She asked my wife "What time am I dying today?" My wife told her she couldn't know the answer, but she also knew not to say "You won't die."
I sense acceptance in the little she said today. Like she's ready for this to be over.
Obviously, my wife is pretty bummed out. We'll go again tomorrow, but now it's more for my wife than for her friend.
I'm going at around 1am to spell her nephew, and come home around 4. I don't want my wife to go. She's having enough sleep issues and that's not good given the meds she's on.
Hoping you'll send some good vibes for her friends & family. Alas, they'll do no good for our friend. But, the rest can use some solace.

Drum
(10,094 posts)
Wicked Blue
(7,493 posts)((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0
a kennedy
(32,781 posts)Hope you wife comes through it all ok. Youre a good husband.
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)My Wife has well-controlled BPD, but these sort of situations are not good for her.
I'll find some way to distract her.
Maybe we'll make Asian shrimp together tomorrow. Or tacos. She might enjoy that.
Walleye
(37,768 posts)Seems like once you get past seventy its pretty much a crapshoot. I really feel for her. I have one really good friend of about 55 years. I would be devastated if I lost her. Stay strong,
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)...was my dad going through this.
He worked until he was 67. Had about 10 months of healthy retirement and died at 69 & 2 months. I insisted that wasn't going to be my fate.
Fortunately, my decision was facilitated by savings that meant our income would go up when I quit working. That cinched it.
Our friend had it worse than my dad. She had about 5 weeks of healthy retirement. Rotten
Walleye
(37,768 posts)When youre healthy you never think that your health is going to deteriorate
Ms. Toad
(35,905 posts)Lots of reasons I could have - the last 3 people on staff with cancer were terminated within a year of diagnosis, staff members (as opposed to faculty with tenure) 55 or older are terminated at a significantly higher rate than younger workers. I fit into both categories.
But my spouse is in her 70s and wants to travel while she is still able to enjoy it. With an aggressive cancer (and a second not so aggressive) - who knows how long I have. Our income isn't going up - but we have enough to live on comfortably. And when I ran the numbers, if I'd worked until I was 72 (as planned) we wouldn't have caught up in draws from retirement until sometime in my 90s. Better to enjoy it now, even if we have somewhat less income coming in.
I nope your retirement improves. Take care of your wife - maybe once the current stress ends the two of you will be better able to enjoy retirement.
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)I was referring to our friend's retirement.
She had about 5 weeks of retirement when she started having the issues that ended up being diagnosed as cancer.
5 weeks of healthy retirement! That's what I meant by crummy retirement.
For my wife & I, retirement is all it's cracked up to be.
We don't, however, have ambitions to travel. I traveled A LOT for my job, so I'm less than enthusiastic.
And my wife's back isn't travel friendly.
That's OK. We like being homebodies.
Ms. Toad
(35,905 posts)I thought you were also referring to your wife's retirement (which seemed to have been consumed by helping your friend).
Random Boomer
(4,276 posts)Fingers crossed that I didn't leave it too late (I'm 68 and not in the best of health). My hope is that I will have at least a few years of just loafing at home, taking care of my pets.
TheProle
(3,253 posts)For you and your wife to have been such dedicated friends with her for so long speaks to your character, as does this very difficult final chapter.
Wishing you, your wife and her friend peace.
malaise
(280,853 posts)Still her acceptance of reality helps
Solomon
(12,504 posts)my dad is bedridden as well. things they didn't tell us about as kids growing up. it's hard. really really hard.
wouldn't wish it on anyone but we will all be like that if we live long enough.
malaise
(280,853 posts)Or slowly fade away.
That said it must be very hard for your parents, you and your family.
MLAA
(18,873 posts)My dad died a little over a year ago. I learned at the last minute he had liver cancer after he complained of excruciating back pain. I immediately flew across country to be with and get him help. A week in Mayo Clinic in Jax where they got his pain under control and a week or 2 in rehab. When I arrived I found out he had an appointment with an oncologist to discuss treatment options. I went with him after hearing about the option for treatment and all the likely side effects I asked dad what he wanted to do and he told me and the Dr that he had 92 wonderful years and was would opt for quality of life vs quantity. I drove him back to assisted living and we engaged hospice. He didnt experience any pain for the 5 or so weeks. Then he was taken to hospice for about 2 days and gently passed. It was very hard getting use to the idea of him being gone, but he didnt suffer.
I cant imagine having to face both parents nearing the end at the same time. I am sending you energy to give you strength and hugs to give you comfort.

Rebl2
(15,578 posts)this with my in-laws several years ago and my Dad last year. In- laws were in their late 70s and my Dad was in his 90s. Dad wasnt doing well for years before he died. Its hard to watch them go downhill over several years. My Dads brother (couple years older than my Dad) died about four months later.
SheltieLover
(62,609 posts)May her dear friend cross gently.
Zorro
(16,863 posts)That's one way I look at it.
lpbk2713
(43,203 posts)I will keep you all in my thoughts.
Atticus
(15,124 posts)of you as a stand-up guy.
Take care of yourself, also, ok?
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)I'm fine. I'm a fatalist..
I'm just trying to create a soft landing for the others. Her family is loaded with wonderful gentle people.
Her brother was a pal of mine. He died at 68 too, about 5 years ago. Complications of diabetes. He had a year of good retirement. The one B-i-L is the only one that made it into the 70s. The gene pool is not great.
Gidney N Cloyd
(19,847 posts)Good vibes to you, your wife, and all concerned.
malaise
(280,853 posts)Take that to the bank.
gademocrat7
(11,300 posts)to all her family and friends. Take care, ProfessorGAC.
panader0
(25,816 posts)Evolve Dammit
(20,016 posts)that is what matters and sometimes all we can really do (being present and supportive).
calimary
(85,181 posts)

Evolve Dammit
(20,016 posts)Rhiannon12866
(228,081 posts)
TNNurse
(7,225 posts)You and your wife should know that you did what could be done. You have made it as best as it could be.
marble falls
(63,250 posts)Tetrachloride
(8,571 posts)It helped my father and the dying mans wife.
erronis
(17,773 posts)When can we understand that prolonging life is not necessarily a good thing?
If the person living the life thinks its time then the options should be available.
I really don't want to subtract from your post - just ruminations on my own rapidly approaching mortality.
iluvtennis
(21,037 posts)
NNadir
(35,132 posts)...knowing how to die is as important as knowing how to live.
Reading between the lines, I believe your wife's friend may know that.
Condolences.
highplainsdem
(53,973 posts)who care for her.
My mom had been looking forward to a healthy retirement, which had included plans to spend a lot of time visiting relatives in another state. Especially her brother, her favorite sibling. Who died of a sudden heart attack the week she retired. She developed heart problems herself within a few weeks.
That isn't unusual for the dying. And I believe she is seeing them, that she'll be reunited with loved ones soon. I've read that such deathbed visions are more common in people who aren't heavily medicated than in those who are, but I don't think painkillers can completely block them. You might see her reaching out to people you can't see.
Prayers and good vibes for her, and for your wife, and you, and all her friends and family.
mcar
(43,907 posts)and bless you for giving respite to her family.
madamvlb
(495 posts)Can I help? I've have have lots of room. Please reach out if u need my help.
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)...she came up here near Chicago to die.
We were all from here originally. Several are still within 20 miles or so.
We used to go to KW to visit her. Last time was 2016, I think.
Her sister founded this county's hospice in around 1978. It's much bigger now, but the county is 70% more populated.
The B-i-L we're spelling lives about 2 miles away. Great guy. He is recovering from foot surgery, so we're happy to give him a break.
Thanks for the offer. I wish we were visiting her, so we could have dinner together. Alas,...
femmedem
(8,483 posts)And to you as you care for them/about them. I'm so sorry your wife's dear friend had so little healthy retirement to enjoy. But it sounds as if you and hospice are doing everything right and she is at peace with what's coming.
The worry about your wife, the loss of her friend, the sadness for good people who work their whole lives and then are struck with illness when they retire. It's a lot to deal with. I'm glad your DU family is here for you.
Like your wife, I struggle with insomnia. I've been listening to a podcast called Sleep With Me that has helped. I support the podcaster on patreon so I don't have to listen to the first annoying ten minutes or so where he talks about sponsors and such, but the podcast is free and it's easy to fast forward past the beginning. I found it took about three episodes before I understood what the podcaster is doing and how to make it work for me. The trick is to not listen too closely; almost like a boring but friendly dinner guest. He tells listeners to think of him as a Borefriend or a neighBore. I hope that if she tries it, it helps.
Maru Kitteh
(29,616 posts)follow her own path here.
You are a good husband. Just do what you can.
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)But, my wife has BPD. She cannot get too immersed in the misery of others. It's not good for her.
She went through this with her mom, and she expects me to be her referee.
It's not quite as simple as you may think.
I greatly appreciate the sentiment, though.
GoodRaisin
(9,862 posts)Good vibes to all of you.
madamvlb
(495 posts)Can I help? I've have have lots of room. Please reach out if u need my help.
Joinfortmill
(17,225 posts)It seems that your wife's friend is at peace. It offers me encouragement, as I am an old girl, who knows I am in the last inning of the game. God bless.
CrispyQ
(39,042 posts)

BigmanPigman
(52,561 posts)saw dead friends and family and even their old pets from childhood a day before they died and it made them so happy. They are already crossing into their realm. It is very peaceful and not scary at all. It is welcomed since they know they will be going "home" to be with them very soon. Hospice workers are familiar with these common experiences.
cilla4progress
(26,142 posts)thanks.
BigmanPigman
(52,561 posts)there then I don't want to go since it would only be "home" if my puppies are there too. Reading and hearing of these experiences helps me when I am blue and missing them. It gives me something to look forward to actually.
cilla4progress
(26,142 posts)have a dog now?
BigmanPigman
(52,561 posts)I have very poor health and I know that if I adopted one it would outlive me. My other 2 dogs, especially my last one, were extremely attached to me and I couldn't hurt a dog emotionally. I know it would harm them as much as a child losing a parent. I chose this path for the past 2 1/2 years and have remained certain that this is best. I am leaving 3/4 of my assets and estate (whatever remains if the SCOTUS overturns the ACA...they could still do this) to the Morris Animal Refuge in Phila (the oldest animal refuge in the US and I was a foster parent while in college) and the San Diego Humane Society (who allowed me to adopt my own puppy after volunteering until I had my own place to live). I LOVE dogs!!! Unconditional love is only one of the reasons why I believe they are far better than humans.
cilla4progress
(26,142 posts)Animals, esp. dogs, are better. We love ours.
orleans
(35,612 posts)there is this wonderful scene when a main character is reunited with his dog
apparently the story was drawn from a lot of books and reference materials regarding the concept of life after life. there used to be this great bibliography in the book--i don't know if they still print it but if you like reading about the afterlife then it might be a nice (if not dated) reference.
BigmanPigman
(52,561 posts)area51
(12,237 posts)
cilla4progress
(26,142 posts)Sending good vibes to your wife, her friend, and all involved on both sides!
greatauntoftriplets
(177,245 posts)It's a terrible thing to watch someone you love die. The family will appreciate your help and the time you're giving them. And I know that you'll be there for your wife when it's all over.
mgardener
(1,953 posts)debm55
(42,480 posts)in her final journey. May her memories be a blessing to all that know and love her. May her family and friends find peace. strength duing this time.
MiHale
(11,251 posts)SWBTATTReg
(24,791 posts)P.S. Be sure to take care of yourselves too, sometimes during times such as this, that one tends to forget about themselves too, needing food and rest (and of course we all understand so don't freak out, rest assured that all of us are there in heart and soul w/ you every step of the way).
louslobbs
(3,416 posts)I live with controlled BPD
.I wish your wife peace and love. Sometimes the hardest part for us when stressed or when dealing with an upset, is the constant conversation in our heads.
May you find strength and comfort in each others presence and love.
MLAA
(18,873 posts)For the professor in you, the transitive property of caring:
If you care for wife during this time and wife cares for her dear friend during this time , then you are caring for dear friend during this time.
honest.abe
(9,238 posts)What country did she serve as Peace Corps?
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)She spent a couple years in Vista in Missouri. (Cape Girardeau? Seems familiar. ) Then joined the PC.
She missed our wedding because she didn't get home until about 5 months after our date.
Oddly enough, we honeymooned in the Keys, and then she went there to work when she got back. Had she come home 6 months sooner, we'd have seen her at the wedding & on our honeymoon!
Where did you go in the PC?
honest.abe
(9,238 posts)A life changing experience for young naive clueless dude right out of college.
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)I did some troubleshooting & optimization at a manufacturing site in the Philippines. Been there a half-dozen times. South of Manila; coastal Batangas.
honest.abe
(9,238 posts)Travelled there several times. My wife is a Filipina from a small town in Mindanao so we visit the Philippines frequently.
One other connection.. I am also originally from the Stl Louis area so not far from Cape Giradeau.
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)...we're from the Chicago area only 4 or 5 hours north!
honest.abe
(9,238 posts)Take care and hope for the best for your wife's friend.
Owl
(3,720 posts)My stepbrother died from lung cancer yesterday. Never smoked. Diagnosed just 3 months ago. Life is fragile.
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)But, quit 30 years ago.
Sorry for your loss.
Owl
(3,720 posts)jalan48
(14,668 posts)
Lucinda
(31,170 posts)
Wild blueberry
(7,392 posts)and her friend.
You are all fortunate to have each other.
Laffy Kat
(16,557 posts)Having been the caretaker in such situations, I can tell you how important it is to get a couple of hours of respite a few times a week. I'm sure your time with her is greatly appreciated.
Response to ProfessorGAC (Original post)
Laffy Kat This message was self-deleted by its author.
Chicagogrl1
(504 posts)Sending hugs & peace for all
nolabear
(43,448 posts)If anything is holy work, that is. ❤️
stopdiggin
(13,332 posts)hope the burden is lifted soon.
Permanut
(6,818 posts)
GoneOffShore
(17,701 posts)
Meowmee
(7,110 posts)
After watching what my father was subjected to. I hope to just drop dead quickly without any awareness. I never want to be at the hands of evil people like that.
Hermit-The-Prog
(36,631 posts)nightwing1240
(1,996 posts)It is never easy to watch someone you love suffer. Best wishes for the both of you through this troubling time.
onethatcares
(16,669 posts)that haven't already been typed. Peace to all involved.
TygrBright
(21,025 posts)Hortensis
(58,785 posts)Take care of yourselves.
BlueTexasMan
(179 posts)peace and rest to you all visiting the sick.
Nac Mac Feegle
(979 posts)Their work is often forgotten in the dire moments that are happening.
A couple of my greatest regrets are not having done so, and losing the opportunity.
ProfessorGAC
(71,557 posts)We'll do that.
TigressDem
(5,126 posts)A friendship of 55+ years, WOW.
Your wife must be some kind of special to have kept up with that friendship over all the changes that happen to people.
And you are some kind of special to help her with this last walk of love.
Awesome people attract like energy.
I hope her friend becomes a sweet angel at her side giving her comfort from the other side.
Warpy
(113,131 posts)For the last 3 years of her life, my mother complained bitterly that her mother hadn't contacted her. She knew her mother had been dead for n early 50 years at that point but she kept expecting a visit. Whatever happens in our brains as we start to get close to death is strange for the observers but it's extremely comforting for the dying.
Often people come to them in their dreams, but occasionally it happens when they're awake. No, it's not exactly hallucination, it's not the drugs, but it's very, very common. Something lovely and protective takes over when people are close to the end.
I don't know if my grandmother ever turned up, my mother's last weeks were non verbal ones. I have to hope both her parents did, her dad healthy, sober and nonviolent for once. She did die without fear of judgment or hell.
So hold her hand and listen to anything she has to tell you and don't worry that she's going crazy. She's not, death is often like that.
(Old retired RN here, and I've seen a lot of dying and death)