Having a hard time here

[ybbor]

Sitting, watching football as the year comes to a close. Feeling very down. Reflecting on my year and life at this time.

Very lonely

I’m in a pretty shitty marriage with an amazing daughter.

I don’t have any friends in my town, after leaving a large group of friends almost two decades ago due to horrible depression. Actually, tomorrow will mark 19 years since my “escape” from that town. Still think it may have been a mistake.

My wife and I have hardly anything in common. In fact she hates most of the things I love: music, camping, hiking, skiing, sports, going out drinking, and so much more.

We met right when I moved “home” and we had some friends in common from our youth. She helped me get through my depression and I somehow felt obligated to marry her for “saving” me. Other than our daughter being born, they have really been some of the shittiest years of my life.

I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself, and have had too many friends do so and I know how it effects the survivors. I would never want to do that to my daughter, but really have no real desire to live anymore. The only thing keeping me going is the next season of “ The Mandalorian” coming out.

I’m sorry for the rant, but I have no one to talk to as having no friends. I come here everyday, and use to be an active member until meeting pushback during the 2016 election cycle as a vocal backer of a candidate who did not get the ticket. Since then I have mainly been a lurker with a few comments here and there.

Just putting this down has been somewhat helpful, but don’t feel too excited about another crummy year ahead. I feel like I’m just waiting to die, and fear my funeral will only have tumbleweeds present. Pretty much sucks to be me.

Sorry so long, and I’m sure most won’t read.

Hope your new year is looking better than mine.

I do love so many of you who I don’t even know.

Cheers

[Ocelot II]

1. You have friends here. Please feel free to post as much as you want. We will listen.

[mercuryblues]

2. you may want to move your post

to the mental help support group

https://democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1151

[ybbor]

3. I didn't know that existed

Not sure how to move.

[mercuryblues]

6. me either

Take care of yourself

[Ocelot II]

10. There isn't a move function but you can repost there.

[niyad]

28. Just copy and paste.

[KS Toronado]

33. Or start hanging out in the "Loners" group.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1237

Find a friend who will look out for you.

[ybbor]

49. I love the gif

Especially as a former canyoneer who ran around in the southeast Utah and northern AZ backcountry.

[nvme]

52. If you need to talk with someone who can help

988 is the crisis line and I think they can hook you up with someone near you to talk with professionally. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER. YOU MATTER!

[calimary]

57. See? Learn something new every day!

I didn’t know this either!

And it’s GOOD information to have.

[Hortensis]

71. I'm so glad you posted and are making friends with others

who understand what you're going through. Keep it up, Ybboor.

[SoCalDavidS]

4. Hang In There

It’s little solace, but you are not alone. There’s so much negative to focus on these days. It’s tougher when you feel alone. You did a great thing by sharing your feelings here. I’m sure others will have some comforting things to add, but know that you are mostly among friends here.

[ybbor]

5. Thanks

[brer cat]

7. You do have friends here, ybbor.

Is there a therapist you can talk to? You are in a very bad spot and I'm not sure that we can advise you other than to seek help. You know you need to be strong for your daughter.

[vlyons]

8. Have you tried doing something for the benefit of others?

The world is a target-rich field in which to donate your time, energy, and expertise to be of service to others.

[ybbor]

38. I was a high school teacher for 8 years

It was fulfilling and frustrating at the same time. I couldn’t handle the cell phones and lack of respect from the students, parents, and leadership. And I made crap money.

I constantly give money to homeless, we give clothes and gifts to needy families in our area. It does make me feel good even though we are not well off, but I know what it feels like to not know when the next meal will come from. I have been poor, or as one person I met in my journey said, “I was not poor, but financially challenged”. I have taken that to heart. I figure I’ll be a greeter at the local Meijer to survive in my elder years.

I am currently a handyman and help folks everyday.

[nightwing1240]

75. that is actually very good advice and helpful

to donate your time for the benefit of others. Jobs that pay by the smiles you get for doing something nice for someone make us all feel good about ourselves.

For the OP, please do not focus on how much money you can make at doing this, look at the benefits to your mental health you will receive as payment.

As for all the other things, being negative all the time is not healthy. We can all be our own worst enemies and see no way out. I have had my moments like anyone else. Try to focus on the positive. In your case it may be something important like your daughter's love and that my friend is worth all the money in the world.

No one is a loser if they are loved by others.

[onecaliberal]

9. There are so many amazing people here. We will listen.

Hugs. Your life matters.

[people]

11. So good that you can communicate how you are

Maybe a therapist or a marriage counselor would help you. If you are absolutely that unhappy in your marriage maybe you should try a marriage counselor if your wife is willing and, if not, maybe you should think about possibly divorcing.

There is someone out there for sure that you could do things with and enjoy. Is there a hiking club where you are? A branch of the Sierra club? A birdwatcher's group? Just trying to think of things you can do outside with others and possibly make some new friends. i don't know how old your daughter is but young people are great at using the internet and finding stuff. There are people even where you live you can become friends with or at least do some activities with that you enjoy. You just need to spend time to figure out how to find them. Maybe your local library can help you find local groups like that?

Good luck with everything. There is really a way to make it a little better. Please take care.

[3catwoman3]

12. Can you tell us about your daughter?

I'd like to hear about her.

[ybbor]

16. She's incredible

Just got her driving permit this week and is now my chauffeur.

Her high school choir just sang with the Ann Arbor symphony’s Holiday Pops concert and it was fantastic!

She is a super star!

[Hope22]

31. I bet she is loving being your chauffeur!

It means so much to have a supportive parent. Ybbor you are needed and loved. Sometimes it’s hard to feel it but always know it is there. You are loved. 💗💗💗🙏

[ret5hd]

13. What state do you live in?

PM if you wish.

[ybbor]

36. I live in Ann Arbor, MI

Great town, but I’ve always felt like an outsider. I didn’t go to Michigan. Actually dropped out/flunked out of a very good engineering school and just floated for a while before moving to better locations to float: northern Michigan on Lake Michigan, So. Cal, Hawaii, Colorado.

I came home because I felt like I needed to get my degree and became a high school math/science teacher. Did that until COVID and then quit to start my own business, which is thriving and I’m doing so much better financially.

I just feel stuck and I’m constantly told I can’t do the things I like because of $. I fucking hate money and just wish I/we could all just live life to experience as much as possible.

I haven’t traveled the world, but I’ve seen tons of the US mainly to backpack the wild places.

I thought my wife would love doing the same, but she actually hates it.

I do feel inferior to many of my peers here who are more “worldly”, but I didn’t have the money to travel abroad. I went to the beautiful places to live. I was the “help” among the wealthy. I hear their stories of Paris or Venice and I feel like a loser.

I’m sorry, ranting again.

[ecstatic]

42. I think part of the problem might be

That it is too damn cold. Seriously, how do you deal with all that cold and snow??

I know how it is to feel stuck or to have obligations that you don't feel comfortable tossing. Ask yourself what you would do if you were not stuck? You mentioned traveling abroad. Maybe get your passport and start planning your trip. You don't have to drop thousands of dollars in one sitting. Check out Delta vacations, you can set up installment payments either by yourself or with a group of people towards your trip. I'm not wealthy but I travel just about every year, sometimes more than once. It's just a matter of planning it and then executing.

Also you have to keep in mind that the grass is not always greener. It's as if you think other people are living it up and having all this fun while you're stuck. Their lives may be just as shitty or worse. They might not have a thriving business or success of any kind.

I think you should start this new year off with a written list of all the things you are grateful for. There is so much suffering going on in this world right now as we type, but I assume everyone reading this has a roof over their head, food, internet, devices, clothes, basically everything we need to survive. We're breathing. We're alive. And we have money. It may not be millions but we have to have some sort of income to be reading this discussion board right now.

I know that nothing that I've typed will change the situation you're in, but you can start changing how much self care and time you put into yourself and your own mental health and well-being. Make yourself a priority.

Good luck and best wishes. Happy new year!

[calimary]

59. You just reminded me of me of my favorite quips.

I think it was a Jonathan Winters quote - “… better than the ol’ dirt nap”!

Even when I get bummed out, I try to remember that one because it really can break through a gloomy mood and bring up a chuckle!

Sometimes a small bit of irreverence is just the thing.

[hay rick]

44. European vacations are a kind of conspicuous consumption.

There is a universe that vastly exceeds our ability to fully explore- in our back yard.

[I_UndergroundPanther]

14. Hey

I have ptsd and depression among other things.

My ex and I parted ways long before we physically parted ways. We had so much in common when we met,gradually he drifted away as I became aware of how I was unhappy in the situation. He was cold,lacked the desire for adventure I had and twords the end he went vegetarian ending the last thing that gave us joy together cooking. Him going veggiesn it wouldnt have been a big deal if he didnt use it as a control tactic and he was so neurotic about it to such craziness like the Dali Lama is telling him what to eat kinda crazy. He was always obsessed over religion and changed religious affiliations like underwear. It became exhausting dealing with him and his bullshit.


Here I am stuck cant drive. Live in the damn suburbs that I hate.. alone 99.999 % of the time. The only reason I can rationalize to stay alive is my cat. I owe Othello my life literally. And I refuse to abandon him or leave him ever.

So I live. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
So I look at it on really tough days like ok I made it an hour,lets try for another. Those hours pile up and the urge to die gets less strong. I have been in therapy most of my life. I am pretty fucked up.

These days I hope I live to see Trump hauled off in cuffs. Will it happen,well it better. If not than I will have to stick around to protect my cat and my country and anyone else who is liberal and marginalised and in danger if things go to shit. Because I just cant stand the asshole fascists winning and killing democracy.

You can find things to live for if you enlarge your perception. However its really hard to do that during a depressive episode. If you get so you cant stand it will you go to a hospital if not for your life but your daughter?

The relationship with your wife sounds over and you dont have to stay in that relationship. You can explain to your daughter that you and your wife have changed. No reason to hold yourself prisoner to a dead soul crushing relationship. Go to a therapist with your daughter and both of you can work through it together.

No reason to give up your life because of a lapse of judgement because of your depression. Depression does not have to win.

[ybbor]

40. I really appreciate your reply!

I know I’ll get through this, and need the courage to make the changes needed.

I’m just a coward and am afraid of the expense as we are not too well off. We have a house and some investments, but not much.

I just can’t imagine the dread of being an empty nester, as she is why I am staying in the nest.

I, too, am hoping to see the orange bastard frog-marched as well. So I do have some reason to hang around.

Thanks again!

[Saoirse9]

15. I'm glad you shared this instead of going it alone

We have all been there. You can DM me if you want to talk.

DU is a family. Welcome to the family.

Lots of love here I hope you feel it.

[Happy Hoosier]

17. Inwish you the best! I hope..

.. this year is better for you.

[SheltieLover]

18. Yale is offering free "Science of Well Being" course

https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being?utm_source=gg&utm_medium=sem&utm_campaign=09-ScienceofWellBeing-US&utm_content=B2C&campaignid=9728548210&adgroupid=119657127259&device=m&keyword=&matchtype=&network=g&devicemodel=&adpostion=&creativeid=506816645212&hide_mobile_promo&gclid=CjwKCAiA2L-dBhACEiwAu8Q9YJiOZH1D_A6Izv8QMTAqCfr-faKygAOq95CKSGjy0D-B5-VFb1OJQRoCDNYQAvD_BwE

You have friends here.

But please seek out the help of a therapist. Life can be a real bummer at times, but there is also much to be ejoyed.

[Joinfortmill]

19. Ok, old gal here..

I hear you. I spent many years unhappily married with 2 kids. I was depressed for years and seriously suicidal a couple of times. My love for my kids kept me from acting on those urges. If you can, try to find a good therapist. It won't be easy, a lot of them are ineffective at best. But give it a shot. You might get lucky.
Do at least one of the things you like, maybe the hiking. Take your daughter with you, with or without one of her friends. Think about talking to a lawyer about a separation or a divorce. You don't have to act on it, just talk to one. You didn't say how old your daughter was, but you'll want to know about custody, etc. before you make any decisions.
All that said, just take the first step by doing something you love. You will have a better life. I promise you. If I can do it, so can you. Next year will be better. God bless.

[Jarqui]

77. I really liked this advice above for you, ybbor

Your post at the top of this thread was a good next step.

Volunteering to help others is another great idea from posters above.
Pick a cause that is near to your heart.
You'll make new friends and uplift your purpose.

Being in the dark place you are is not a great place to make a major decision from.
Doing some of the activities you love will help you get into a better place to make those decisions.
Sitting around and doing nothing makes depression worse as I suspect you already know.
Instead of trying to make a major decision, maybe the purpose could be "I'm going to talk to a bunch of folks and research various ideas - no big decisions - just learn what my options are or could be. I'm going to benefit from multiple brains examining my circumstances and their constructive ideas on how things could change for the better"
I think that will help you develop a more positive outlook and could develop into an action plan to get you into a better situation.

Talking about it like you are in this thread will help you.
People will have ideas that resonate to help you find a better, happier path.

Hang in there, ybbor
Keep talking.
There are a lot of folks who care and can help you.

All the best

[Deuxcents]

20. I'm reading your post and the only difference between you n me

Is.. I’m a woman. I ran away..literally, ran away from my partner after 26 years of marriage. I had less than 300$ in my pocket book but I threw some things n my 2 cats in the car n ran away. That was in 2009 n it was not easy to start over at 62. I have no idea your circumstances.. or your situation but I will say this.. no one should go thru life miserable. You have a daughter.. confide w/ her.. there are resources, no matter the gender. It has not been easy n at times, exasperating.. but I will honestly say I have no regrets. Make 2023 the year of You if that’s what you decide. Let us know if any of us can help.

[ybbor]

41. You are very brave

I am coward and very afraid! I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m pretty helpless and I’m not sure I could survive on my own again.

[asiliveandbreathe]

21. Happy New Year ybbor..look, you have a great daughter..so from the greatness

of your daughter..add 3 things you really want to accomplish..write them down as though you have already reached your goal. Affirmations...start small, within reach..too lofty of goals can defeat the purpose...

If you like hiking..damn it..go for a hike..by this time next week..you will say I went for a hike..and on down the list..you like skiing.." I went skiing" or I listened to music..or I went to a concert..you so much to do..here is an easy one "I went for a walk"..no need to wait for anyone..

Here is another..if on DU, you see Siwsan post about her kittens..read her posts. and enjoy the pictures..Gryff, Madoc, Carys, and King Arthur are truly heart warming...

My best to you..Happy New Year..and keep posting..so many here are caring...

[ybbor]

47. I love Siwsan's posts

And I don’t even like cats. But I love her kittens and love all of the updates. I’m hoping Carys is recovering well.

[asiliveandbreathe]

51. That right there is what I am talking about.."I love Siwsan's posts"

Done, now "I went for a walk"..."I went for a hike"..I will be looking for your post with that title..I don't know your situation, but know, we all have a situation..we all have a story..ups, downs, all around...just you reaching out is success in itself...

.If it is to be, it is up to me..I know you know this..this is your happiness..life is a journey, not a destination..but, then, you know this..

Keep posting..don't make me come over there..

Happy New Year 2023..

[rubbersole]

67. Not to be too simplistic....

but may I suggest getting a dog if you don't have one already. I inherited my grandson's 4yo male Havanese after dog sitting for a few months while they moved. He was/is the poster boy for separation anxiety. We all agreed he was better off with me, being retired and able to keep him company, which he requires. He became a rock star at the assisted living center we visited every day for 3 years and during the 13 months of covid quarantine he kept me sane. It's hard to overstate how critical his companionship is to me feeling my life is somewhat normal. Best of luck to you ybbor. Hope things get better for you.

[peacebuzzard]

70. I didn't know something happened to Carys.

I love her posts too, I have 5 cats they are so independent.
I hope you can find some inner peace; sounds like your new handyman business is doing well. you must be pretty good at it. There is nothing more important than knowing yourself and hopefully find inner peace. Sorry you have to live in the same house with someone so opposite. My best New years wishes to you and your daughter

on edit: right now is a terrible time to fly anywhere flights are all full, expensive and the weather in Michigan will not be kind for air travel. I would wait a little if you do want to travel; at least until after spring break traffic. and before summer. just sayin.

[3catwoman3]

78. Just so you don't worry - Carys got spayed without complications...

…and spent one night at the vets. She’s home, and Siwsan reports that the boys were happy to get her back.

[ybbor]

85. That is what I figured

But you never know.

[peacebuzzard]

92. Siwsan has the ideal pack of cats

harmonious!
I, on the other hand only have maybe 2 or 2.5 (working on it) of the 5 that tolerate each other.
I have to assign rooms to the maladjusted cats; always drama around here.
Thanks for the update!

[Bluethroughu]

22. We all cycle through life with highs and lows.

You are in a low, that's okay. Maybe sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel. If she is not receptive to your needs, and you give her a chance to get involved, then maybe you make a change without her.

What I mean by that, is...go camping, hiking, concerts or bars with your daughter, if aged to do so. IF you and your wife become strangers in the same home, maybe move out, and if that doesn't light a fire between the two of you, then it might be time to divorce, not die.

Be direct and clear with what you need. Give her a chance to respond. Love and marriage do need cultivation, longterm.

Keep us posted, your friends here care about you.

[live love laugh]

23. Depression sucks but it passes. I wish you the gift

of gratitude. It’s yours for the taking. ❤️

[alwaysinasnit]

24. After all the wise and insightful posts above, I can only add reassurances that you are not alone.

Sending you digital hugs ybbor.

[TygrBright]

25. This is a community. You are a part of it. We care.

Think about getting some help. Call the hotline. Join a 12-step group.

Do something different. Take walks.

Post here.

We do read.

Like I said. We're a community. You matter.

attentively,
Bright

[niyad]

26. I wish I had some words that might help. But do know that you have a whole

group of friends/family here. There are always strong shoulders, and willing ears and hearts.

Please take care of yourself.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

27. You didn't ask for advice, but I'm going to give some.

Call your employer’s EAP and see what they can do for some therapy. I don’t doubt the concern and care we have for you; at the same time, you need more skilled listening than many here can provide. Don’t settle for crumbs; your daughter is learning from both you and your wife about what a relationship is. Get help — if not for your sake, then for your daughter’s.

[Gaugamela]

29. Been there. Shitty marriage, wonderful kids. Take care of yourself. And find

a way to talk to a therapist. I suspect what you’re looking for is a way out of a marriage that you feel obligated to maintain. Your first obligation is your own sanity and well being which, in the end, is what is actually the best for everyone in your life. You, your daughter, and your wife. Sometimes the person most hurting is the person everyone is counting on.

[grantcart]

30. I know one thing

You can do it

You can turn it around. Find some one to talk with that can give you some perspective so you can figure out how to rebuild. There are resources in your area or you can do it by phone with a national crisis line.

Remember holidays are the most challenging time because they seem to intensify these feelings of isolation.

Remember that as you battling back you are a real life teacher to your daughter which she can use as a map for her to use when she faces challenges in her future.

[usonian]

34. We all have so much in common. You are among friends.

Divorced after 27 years. Nothing in common, opposites. But we have a wonderful daughter that I am constant, if distant contact with. And I communicate with the ex.
Does this sound familiar? When we broke up, we sold the home and went different ways.
I thought that the mountains would be great. But nobody visits despite it being beautiful beyond belief here. See some of my photos. Just too far, it seems.

Have an insane rain and windstorm tonight. Power went out yet again, so I am on propane generator power for however long it takes PG&E to figure things out and fix them. Sounds bad?

Well, most people in the boonies are counting down the days, doing nothing creative, social or positive. Not me! I have great hobbies, and my daughter cares a whole lot. I take better photos than she does, and play piano better If I can do something that makes her proud of her Dad, that I cast off the negatives and make positive decisions going forward, which I am really going to do, then I have done a great thing, greater than just bringing that kid into the world, but having shown her an example that she can believe (more) in.

"Children learn what they live." --- words are one thing, but they really know what they see and experience.

We help ourselves by helping others. If that seems difficult or impossible, I will find a way to make it happen!

So's the plan. I am writing down the steps.

I will have a better 2023.

[Maraya1969]

35. I wish someone here would start a zoom room to be open at whatever times you want

It would be kind of nice to hear and see people - Democrats and progressives all together. I am in a big red area but the friends I do have here are Dems.

[BeerBarrelPolka]

64. That

That is a great idea! I would be a part of that for sure.

[MagickMuffin]

37. ybbor, might I offer some help

You should check out Meetup groups, they offer so many groups that can provide friendships. Just check out your interest and join the groups.

Good luck and keep your focus on your daughter. Perhaps there is a group that would interest the both of you!

[Bayard]

39. Dear Ybbor

I hope 2023 is a year of change for the better for you.

You have a very supportive group here.

[Murphyb849]

43. I am sitting here with my Rosie and

Would love a new friend.
Life has changed so much for me as well and I have difficulty in looking forward.
May we both have a healthy happy New Year and
You have a friend in me ❤️

[ybbor]

54. Thank you

I’ll take all I can get!

Happy New Year!

[ybbor]

45. I'm not sure you all will see this, but

Thank you all so much!!!

You all have made me feel so much better!

I appreciate the common stories shared and the kind words of advice.

You are really my family! I’d love to spend some holiday meals with you, and we could talk politics all night!

Thank you DU!!

I love you all!

[BeerBarrelPolka]

65. Please

Please remember, the word is large and no matter where you live, there are people who have similarities with what you (generally speaking) are going through. The internet for all its bad things, can bring good, like minded people together. I'm here if you ever need to reach out via pm.

[Meowmee]

46. Hugs to you

I am sorry you are feeling so down and struggling. I hope you can get some help and journaling like you did here is a good way to work through things. Remember that your daughter loves and needs you very much. Can you do some of those activities you like with your daughter instead? Do you have any fur babies?

[ybbor]

48. My daughter and I do share my interests

We are hoping to ski this week, but the weather is not cooperating, warm and rainy after the storm.

We can’t have pets because my wife doesn’t like animals because she is allergic to them. It’s a bummer because my daughter loves dogs. She even started a dog walking company with her friend. She’s such a sweetie!

[Meowmee]

73. Aww that is great!

Too bad about the pets. Maybe a reptile pet? I hope you get to go skiing soon 😀

[catchnrelease]

89. Become an employee

Maybe the dog walking business could use another walker? The company of dogs and the exercise would definitely help with feeling down. If they can't afford to pay you, volunteer! You could work up to being a pet sitter, which could get you out of your house for a day or more if you were to stay at a home to care for pets.

[cate94]

50. I'm sorry life is difficult right now

I’m hoping the new year brings unexpected happiness.

[patricia92243]

53. Sounds like the depression meds need to be adjusted. Tell your doctor what all you

all you just told us.

Best of luck going forward, and keep us posted.

[Arazi]

69. Was going to suggest this. Better living with chemistry is out there

Ybbor, maybe make an appointment with your doctor and explain the situation. Sometimes your GP can help or give you referrals.

I would suggest finding community groups that are doing things you love. Decide today, right now, that you’re shedding any expectations that your wife is going to join you for any of your new adventures and embrace new circles of friends.

Once you move on (and get moving), I’d guess you’ll summon the strength to do what you really need to do which is to get a divorce.

You got this!

[Permanut]

55. You have great courage to share your journey with us..

And you have seen from these posts that we feel bad for your losses and your situation - and that we care.

I'm a 28 year member of AA, and my challenges have been different from yours. I can just say that I took one day at a time, and I was fortunate enough that my life has turned around. There were no guarantees, and I knew that.

Please post updates.

[calimary]

56. Hey, ybbor! It's good that you've posted this.

Many of us have mighty big shoulders here, but we’re not all-seeing and all-knowing as much as many of us would like to be.

That’s why it’s good that you’ve shared this. Please know there are some truly wonderful souls on here. Quite a few of us limped, or stumbled, or groped our way to this sanctuary after GOP victories of various times. And the same for those of us sitting up, awake into the wee hours, after a calamity or death of a loved one, and can’t get to sleep, and we find our way here (I’ve certainly been there). And it’s a beacon at the entrance to a safe harbor for sure.

I hope you stick around. And I hope you avail yourself of some of the wisdom and sympathy, and genuine empathy here. I love quoting DU’s own treasure, Skittles, who once posted that “someone’s always here.” I saw that message awhile back when I was in a moody place and it was such a comfort just reading those words! Just those three words! That was enough to remind myself that no one’s really alone if they’re part of DU.

Someone’s always here. Someone’s always awake. Someone’s always checking in, posting, sharing, commiserating, ready to listen and understand, and there’s a world of wisdom and expertise here that can be tremendously helpful. It’s a big crazy family.

And that’s where YOU are, ybbor. You’re here and you’re part of us and you don’t need to feel quite so alone or isolated. Someone’s always here. From anywhere, in any time zone, at any point on the compass or the clock. And someone’s very likely to be able to say something or share something that will broaden your understanding, sit with you and share, and maybe even help heal your heart.

[cactusdave]

58. The Most Important Thing I've Learned to Manage my Depression

IS GRATITUDE!

Everyday post three things that happened which you are grateful for. The exercise works better in threes I've found!

And trust me on this ybbor, you will find that you have so much to be grateful for and you never realized it.

Keep it Simple. Three things that you're grateful for today because they made you feel better about yourself and the world.

it could be as simple as "I heard a tune on the radio today that I hadn't heard in years and it was a tune I always loved which makes me wonder how I could have forgotten about it but I'm really grateful to have heard it again". "It can be something funny or serious or trivial or none of the above. It all works when you express it to yourself, "This happened today and I'm grateful for it. Hell, you can even say "I beat a yellow light today at a stop light where I'm always having to wait". That simple.

Gratitude is the most important thing. I am unable to hold dark and miserable thoughts about myself at the same time I'm expressing gratitude for something. They are incompatible I've found.

Try it. It's easy. keep it in a journal so you can reference it once you've been doing it for awhile. Again I'll say you're going to be shocked at how much expressing gratitude for the events of your life will brighten up your life and it will be obvious to others as well.

Gratitude also restored my sense of humor. I can laugh at myself again which makes my whole world a lighter load to carry.

[nightwing1240]

81. Great advice and good for you!

I tend to do things in three as well lol and no I am not OCD. More a creature of habit. Keeping it simple and gratitude help a lot. I intend to adopt your words and do as suggested, thank you!

[Genki Hikari]

60. You need to talk to your wife

About the things you enjoy that she doesn't. Does she begrudge you doing the things you enjoy? Does she want you to do only what she wants to do? Do you want her to do only what you want to do?

If the answers there are no, then maybe try to understand one thing: You didn't marry your twin. You married a unique individual. Expecting that person to like everything you like and do everything you do isn't realistic.

My husband and I don't like the same things. He's into anime, manga, fantasy, D&D. And I'm not. Far from it. We don't read the same kind of books and we don't listen to much of the same music.

But he has so many great qualities in other respects, and we get along about enough key things that we can appreciate what we have in common, while respecting the differences we have at the same time. We give each other space to be who we are and don't sweat it that we're not 100% in sync about everything. In fact, we think that would be BORING. If I wanted to be married to me, I'd just live alone, you know?

I was married to the guy who was all outdoorsy and all that. I was fine with it, and told him--go camping or skiing with your brothers, and have fun. I'll stay home and catch up on my reading or do my nails or whatever. But he didn't respect me at all and would bully me into going with him. Then he would be a total scumbag when we got there and leave me to my own devices to figure out things like skiing. You don't get to bully me into going on a trip I didn't want to go on, and then leave me alone to tumble down a mountain all day. And you certainly do NOT get mad at ME when I've had enough of that nonsense and want to go home.

I don't get mad that my current hubby spends a great deal of time playing D&D. All things considered, that's one of the least offensive hobbies a spouse could have! Go, have fun, I'll watch Mrs. Maisel, m'kay? And when he gets these wild hairs and wants to attend an anime convention? No problem. We make the trip, and he goes to the convention. I find stuff to do in whatever town it's in. Or, last time, I was super-ill and was about to have a major surgery. I felt awful, so I simply spent the day in peace and quiet in the hotel room. He has never once insisted that I do all the stuff he was doing, too. He knows better. It's why he's still my husband, after 25 years of marriage.

It's called give and take. More couples need to learn it.

I can't say if this is the case for you and your wife, but maybe what you need isn't a divorce, but a new perspective on the boundary of where you end and your wife begins.

[diva77]

61. If you can't afford to pay for travel abroad, it sounds like you have valuable skills that could get

you employment in the cruise industry, for example:

https://www.indeed.com/q-Maintenance-Cruise-Ship-jobs.html

You could end up traveling the world with salary plus expenses

Wishing you the very best Ybbor

[rainy]

62. So sorry that you struggle with depression.

There is hope for healing depression. It’s laid out plainly in Christopher Palmer’s new book: Brain Energy.

His hard work and research has resulted in the Brain Energy theory. You might want to read about it. Start with a YouTube interview of Dr.Palmer.

Wishing you good health and happiness this new year!

[markie]

63. ...

hang in there! I keep telling myself that as well. My husband died a bit over a year ago and I thought I was better, but.... winter / short days are tough all I want is to get out and hike in the woods / mountains. I may drive over to see my brother in Brighton... might look you up

[Victor_c3]

66. I was in a situation like that up until a few years ago

The quick version of my story is that I was married to a woman who slowly began to hate me during a 14-year long marriage. I had two daughters with this woman while I struggled with severe PTSD, depression, and a suicide attempt or two.

I also really loved hiking, camping, mountain biking, and just about anything outdoors.

I went years hating every moment of my life. I stayed married to a woman who made it clear that he hated me out of the foolish belief that I was doing the right thing for my two daughters. Even while collecting disability benefits, I provided the bulk of the income that afforded my two daughters a decent middle-class lifestyle.

I went years where I would wake up, take a bunch of meds, avoid my wife, and do nearly 100% of the parenting of our two daughters and being completely miserable with being alive.

The only reason I kept living (and the only reason I stopped when I did during my most serious suicide attempt) was because of my two daughters. I loved my children more than I hated myself and life.

I assumed that if I could keep things together until my children graduated high school that maybe I could look forward to living life as a divorcee. Until that time, I figured that not splitting up the household was what was best for my children.

However, when my two daughters were about 8 and 10 years old, my ex expedited the end of our marriage by seeking a relationship with another man. When she told me that she was having feelings for another man and that she wanted a divorce I could feel everything in my life shift for the better.

Now, I've been divorced for nearly 4.5 years. My life has done a near complete 180 and I actually find that I'm quite content with where I am. I'm 42 years old and my two daughters are 12 and 14 years old now.

Please don't assume that I'm telling you to get a divorce.

The main point of my story is that you need to stick with life and hang in there. Something will change and it will get better.

Just bear with it and stick around for your daughter.

[LuckyCharms]

68. I hear you, and many others here do too.

Don't hurt yourself please. Embrace the suck.

You can always find support here...people will listen to you. I'm listening to you.

And I don't know you, but I love you. I love everyone who needs some love.

The good thing about feeling low is that it can always get better. Relationships ebb and flow, don't give up on it.

I've been horribly ill for about 3 months now, and I'm feeling the depression creeping back in. Gotta fight it...no other choice.

My wife constantly reminds me..."there are more people who love you than you will ever know".

The same goes for you.

[FakeNoose]

72. My suggestion: find out if there is a Sierra Club in Ann Arbor

There probably is one either in the city or nearby. The Sierra Club is a great way to meet people who have the same interests as you - hiking, backpacking, camping, maybe even canoeing, cross country skiing etc. Sierra Club was a life-saver for me a long time ago when I first came back home to Pittsburgh, and all my friends were left behind in upstate New York.

You can take classes if you want, or just get on their email list for hikes, backpacking outings etc. Once you start attending events and classes you'll meet other people who have the same interests as you. You'd be surprised how easy it is to find new friends when you're taking part in activities you really enjoy.

Good luck, my friend!

[druidity33]

74. My house burned down Thursday night...

So if it’s any consolation. You’re not alone when it comes to hard times right now.
😔

[ybbor]

87. Oh my gosh!

I am so sorry for you!

I cannot even imagine your shock and distress.

I know I need to put things in perspective, but I do wish you the best.

Stay strong!

[druidity33]

91. Everyone is okay...

Me and my family are safe. We lost 17 years of stuff… but the wheels turn. We’ll figure it out. You will too. When things look bleakest, you just keep going. Something positive has gotta be coming your way right? Good luck to you.

[cally]

93. Oh no!! I'm so sorry

this happened and glad all loved ones are safe. Please keep us updated on how you are doing

[druidity33]

97. I'm living in a hotel...

until me and family can be housed. It will take a long time to rebuild. When I am ready and have the headspace for it i will make an OP. Right now i'm just trying to keep everyone fed, sane and housed. Of course we all have Covid now, so that's just added insult to injury. But the community around me and my family has been so incredibly supportive, despite the circumstances it's hard not to feel hopeful about humanity.

[cally]

98. I am so glad you have support around you

And I hope you all have mild Covid cases. Your attitude is inspirational while you face tremendous hardships

[PJMcK]

76. I'm with you, brother

For 22 years, I was with a wonderful woman with whom I had very little compatibility. We raised a terrific son who has grown into a fine young gentleman. But our relationship sucked and I’d often play golf rather than spend time with her. She is a fantastic mother but we just weren’t right together.

We finally got divorced and several years later, I connected with an old friend and we’ve had the most wonderful 8 years together.

Hang in there and keep your head focused. Your best times are ahead of you!

PS: Meet some new people and make some friends. Most folks are decent and welcome new acquaintances.

[TNNurse]

79. Your post tells us you want to get better.

From my experience, just talking (or writing) as you have done helps. I did not believe it until I tried it. When I said to the therapist that talking did not change anything, I was mistaken. Once you clarify your thoughts, you can read and hear suggestions as you have gotten from these good people and that is a great start.

Starting on the first day of a new year is a good omen. Hope all things said here show concern and that suggestions will help.

Please check in again and let us know how you are doing.

[P-Nutt]

80. For What It's Worth

I completely understand. I have been there and done that. I have the bumper stickers and the tee shirts. Getting married for the wrong reasons (Anything other than unconditional love) is easy to do and hard to admit. My ex wife and I had a daughter, and I would walk through a mile of hot rocks to have that experience. I stayed married for 12 years before I got strong enough to admit my mistake, and file for divorce. After about 4 or 5 rocky years of arguing back and forth, we finally agreed to terms and finalized our divorce. It was lonely at first, but I felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders.

Long story, short, our daughter was married in 2019, and I walked her down the aisle. Her mother planned the wedding. She lives in Fenton, Mo, about 14 hours away from me. Her mom lives one county away from her. After the wedding, at the reception, I was just sitting down and relaxing, enjoying watching my daughter have her special day. My ex wife came and sat down beside me, and she told me that she understands why I did what I did, and that it worked out best for all of us. She said that she has no hard feelings or ill will towards me. She said that she just wished that we hadn't waited so long and made each other miserable for so long. But she also said that she was glad that we had our daughter because she was the glue that kept us all sane and kept us from turning nasty towards each other.

Something good can come from something bad. Life is too short to be unhappy. Think, talk, and make the smart decisions for everyone. Even if that means learning to help make each other happy.

[jimlup]

82. I too am lonely and have some of your issues

I think there are some options. Take stock in your daughter. I have grandchildren and 2 wonderful kids that keep me going. I have established a life of my own but I too understand the lonely thing. Let's promise each other to hang in there!

[BlueWaveNeverEnd]

83. kick for more exposure. Find a place to volunteer to put you in the company of others

volunteer somewhere once a week or once a month

[Beacool]

84. Ybbor. I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

Life sometimes can be very overwhelming, but there's always a way out. I learned a valuable life lesson from Bill Clinton. I was quite young when he was president, but I found his response to a question useful in my own life. During the Lewinsky saga he was asked in an interview how he was doing on a personal level and how was he able to handle the stress of everything that was going on. He thought about it and responded that he compartmentalized and prioritized problems. When I've been overwhelmed and feeling like I'm sinking, I think what is the most important issue I have to deal with first. Then what comes second, third, etc.

Maybe your first step should be to try to meet people who share your interests. There are so many groups nowadays. You can probably find folks to go hiking, skiing, camping trips, etc. Little steps, maybe at some point a professional who can give you some advice and perspective. Eventually, you may find the courage to leave a relationship that's not making either one of you happy. The saying better alone than in bad company may be a cliché, but it's quite accurate.

Hugs and best wishes.

[IbogaProject]

86. Some ideas

https://www.meetup.com/ Try and find a new more active circle.

Work on getting sunlight on your eyes a few times a week. It can be through the eyelids but not through glasses. It loads the enzyme system to produce serotonin. Physical activity and excersize help too. A yeast cleanse can help too if it's brain for or mood swings.

And keep us posted. Wishing for you to break out of the dumps in 2023!

[Wednesdays]

88. Hey, I used to live in Ann Arbor!

and there are plenty of things to do in that region without having to drop a lot of dough.

Just a tankful of gas, and the entire southern half of the Lower Peninsula is yours to explore.

I've been to the Arborteum, where I once encountered a Michigan Rattler. I've been canoeing down Rifle River. The spouse and I just last October had a great lunch at Zehnder's in Frankenmuth for just fifty bucks, and there were tons of leftovers. We also went to Blake's Cider Mill (about 75 miles from you, open year-round), highly recommended. For the heck of it, I used to just take a drive down Ann Arbor Road to Plymouth, with a stopoff at the Dixboro General Store along the way to browse their antiques.

Hiking or camping? There are countless places for that, and most are dirt cheap. My favorite camping destination during the summer was off Lake Michigan near Mackinaw City.

You like music? How about a concert at Pine Knob? There are music festivals in Ann Arbor every season--many are free or require just a nominal fee.

If your wife is a stick-in-the-mud, take your daughter along! I'll bet she'd be thrilled to join you at any of the above!

[catchnrelease]

90. Do what you enjoy or try something new on your own

ybbor you say you like music and your daughter sings. Maybe there is an amateur choir that both could participate in, or if she's not interested maybe you can try it yourself. Or take up guitar or other instrument. You like to go out drinking, and you were a teacher. I'll bet you know lots of 'stuff'. See if you can find a pub/bar that has a trivia night and go get involved. Those are supposed to be a hoot! I think the idea of looking into Meet-ups is a great one to narrow down your interests.

When my husband and I first got together and later married, we did mostly outdoors activities--fishing, competitive target shooting, etc. As we've gotten older we can't do those things so much and he's had some health issues too. Now he's heavily involved in some online silver coin collecting ('stacking'?) communities. They have online games for prizes of certain collectible coins and are always sending things to each other in the mail. He's now even made a Youtube channel to show off his finds. I think a few of them have met in person a couple of times. I have NO interest in that but I have friends that are doll makers, artists, etc and we get together often for lunches or meet to share our work. Sometimes I go on gardening tours. Just two weeks ago I went to a Christmas chorale group in LA by myself as he has no interest in that kind of thing. In the past we'd go to movie matinees together but split up to see our preferred show once we got there.

We aren't miserable together, but we also don't have the need to do everything together. Lol, the one thing we do together still is watch Survivor. But that's it, otherwise our tv and movie tastes mostly differ. We live compatibly in the same house with our pets, go out to eat together once in awhile and I think we're both pretty happy. He does most of the cooking and I do all of the gardening/yardwork. We even have our own bedrooms due to different sleeping styles.

I do wish we were able to still go fishing up in the Sierra, but I think that's in the past and it's no one's fault. This Spring I think I'll go up with the dog and do some hiking. If he wants to come great, if not that's ok too. Don't limit yourself to having to do things with a spouse. If she protests and doesn't want you to do your thing, then maybe that will be the push you need to really leave.

All my best wishes for you as you work this out. As everyone else has said, DU is always open!

[SYFROYH]

95. Keep going out to hear music, hike and camp, and have a drink.

Do things that you enjoy and find people who will do them with you.

[Vinca]

96. It's that time of year when all the bad things past and present seem to dominate the mind.

I'm glad you don't think you're suicidal, but somehow we've got to get you into a better mindset because you've got a life to live. Your daughter is obviously the brightest star in the sky, so maybe focus on your well being as a way to add joy to her well being. Give some thought to the marital situation and try to come to a decision about staying or going or if there's any chance for compromise with what you like and what she likes for both of you. Just waiting to die isn't a plan. I'm kind of confused about the friends issue. In one sentence you said you have too many and in the next you said you have none. Maybe you just feel like you have none at the moment. In any case, you need to find worth within yourself so you can enjoy being with yourself. I haven't really got the answers. When I'm depressed - which often happens this time of year - I have a good cry, up my dosage of Vitamin D and wait for it to pass. Coming here and talking has helped me through difficult times and I'm sure it can help you. Don't be a stranger and if you happen to get pushback on one of your views, just shrug it off. A couple of times I've gotten pissed off over a response and I just disappear for a few days until it's floated to the back of my mind. No need dwelling on stuff like that. So don't be a stranger. Talk it out with us.