General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsAll Things Being Equal, I'd Rather Be the Jobs Guy (Ferret)
Writing about Republican politics is like babysitting the shittiest kids in the world, and honestly, I feel like these little assholes owe us a good, long nap. Never a moments fucking peace. Little shits.
(You know the drill, links and the shiniest of colors are to be had here: https://showercapblog.com/all-things-being-equal-id-rather-be-the-jobs-guy/)
Ok, you kicked Ilhan Omar off the Foreign Affairs Committee, yippee for you. Took you fifteen tries just to turn the lights on, but when its time for petty payback, youre one-take wonders. I was told there would principled moderates preventing this kind of thing. Tell me some more about Don Bacon, and all the shenanigans he wont stand for, by gum.
This playground power grab was hailed as, I kid you not, a successful test of Kevins whipping operation. Zounds. You ever get the feeling these doltsre held to a different standard than, say, oh, I dunno, Hillary Clinton, for example?
Anyway, Im sure you fooled lots and lots of people with your pious justifications for excommunicating the brown lady; I mean, you were fighting anti-Semitism so hard, surely no one noticed you elevating that one deranged bigot to a position of national prominence. No, not the dentist, the other one, the one with the history of anti-Semitism substantial enough to warrant a callout from the US Holocaust Museum.
Yes, Marjorie Taylor Greene is cleaning up her image to gain power, if the headlines are to be trusted. Cleaning up her image. I feel like once youve publicly suggested that wildfires are caused by Jewish-owned lasers stationed in outer space, the ol reputation is more or less locked in.
Kevin, probably because he likes answering questions about Ashli Babbitt, gave Marj all the power she could ask for anyway, which is how she found herself on an honest-to-goodness congressional committee, bellowing about the $5.1 billion-per-school wokeness grants she made up. Another stellar bit of leadering by the 55th Speaker of the House, arguably the leaderest leader this nation has ever seen. Pelosi was a cuck.
My god, this doofus is flummoxed by Joe Bidens wily insistence that House Republicans state an opening position in the debt ceiling standoff they started. Flat out flummoxed. Never in his wildest dreams did Kevin McCarthy imagine hed need to publicly identify the specific spending cuts he wants. Its breathtaking to behold.
What do you want, Kevin?
Wh-what do you mean?
What do you want? What policy outcome are you seeking?
and Kevin cant get his head out of that bag. Its been a week, folks. A week.
Aw heck, Mr. President, youve got me all tied up in knots! I figured wed call you names for a few weeks, and then, I dunno
maybe youd cut Medicaid?
Mmm. Well, come back when you figure out what youre asking for, and well take another crack at the negotiating thing. Say hi to all your naked pictures of my son!
Flummoxed. Fllllllllllummoxed. You havent seen the last of that word, friends. This goon squad cant even convene a committee without accidentally granting the opposition a supermajority.
Obviously, everyones been super busy, fighting anti-Semitism, and owning imaginary libs with their cute little assault rifle pins, but Im sure the serious governance is right around the corner. Any day now. Two weeks.
Watching Off-Brand Orbáns campaign apparatus lurch back to life has been
well, its the old, familiar nausea, isnt it? Id almost forgotten the doddering old creeps limitless capacity for resentment, for hate, for endless, mewling victimhood
cant you just leave us alone, you fucking loser? Go home, loser, inflict yourself on your shitty kids, nobody likes you.
nobody except, granted, your whiny loser cult. Congratulations on seven years and counting of falling for this sad, flaccid con, dorks. I know your precious media bubble is shielding you from the spectacle of your boy pleading the fifth over and over again like the cheap mobster he is, but its right here waiting for you when youre ready. Top shelf, next to the Covid vaccine.
Until then, enjoy your big, tuff revenge tour, watching grandpa ramble about his secret plan to end the war in the Ukraine by kissing Putin's ass extra hard, in that secret spot only he knows about. Hell play all the hits, (I hear hes got an extended version of the toilet flushing bit that runs fifteen minutes, with a Stephen Miller drum solo) while working in new material here and there; itll be like watching a fascist prop comic at a state fair.
Incidentally, does pink-haired communist teachers sound like something you could get behind hating? Could that branding entice you to pitch a fit at a school board meeting or phone in a bomb threat or perhaps even join the ranks of some paramilitary organization and do some terrorism?
Because that gurgling undercurrent of violence will, obviously, be following Donald Trump back to the campaign trail; (and to Facebook and Twitter, thanks, billionaire tech bros!) hes only gotten dumber and crazier in his Norma Desmond phase, hes always spreading Q shit, and I bet somehow his pants fit even worse now, in incomprehensible, cubist ways.
Never fear, though, the Republican establishment is finally awake to the threat, and they are ON IT. Theyve developed a foolproof plan, to hope real hard that someone solves their problem for them, I mean, everybody dies eventually, right?
Should this stratagem somehow fail, the fallback plan, as expressed by such paragons of moderatey moderateness as Larry Hogan and Chris Sununu, is to once again wholeheartedly support the fellow who spent the entire transition period attempting to overturn the election he lost, culminating in a terrorist attack on the U.S. Capitol. My goodness, its so blindingly moderate, I find myself wearing sunglasses indoors.
I see Nikki Haley requires remedial education in the fundamental forces of white nationalist politics. Money donated to Nikki Haleys presidential campaign should be taxed at a rate of 200%; surely a nanny state is required in the face of such senseless waste.
Its hard enough to imagine a lower pursuit than emulating Donald Trump, but then Ron DeSantis dumb, thuggish take on MAGA authoritarianism is just so
repellent. The bits that kill on the death cult retirement home circuit might not play so well with voters who dont have the luxury of driving themselves insane on the right-wing internet all day, yknow.
There are limits to the audience for the whinging white grievance of this spat with the College Board, and believe it or not, there are voters who wont view your pathetic bullying of small, liberal schools as promotion-worthy. Im just saying there might be a few underpants gnomes in this grand plan to ride a wave of Fauci derangement and petty tyranny to the White House.
But hey, if you creeps really want to stomp around, snatching books about Rosa Parks out of school libraries, while Joe Biden talks Americas ear off about all the jobs hes created, you go right on ahead. Go apeshit. Build your National Election Integrity Team to keep looking for bamboo fibers, while reminding everyone what crazy, crazy assholes you all are. If it worked for Kari Lake, itll work for you! It totally worked for Kari Lake, by the way. Shes the uncrowned Queen of Arizona, Steve Bannon told me so.
At the rate were going, the 2024 Republican presidential debatesll wind up as contests to see who can shout groomer the loudest. Moderated, no doubt, by Chaya Raichik. Of course Wee Don squealed with glee at the opportunity to roll around in the trans panic slop and call it campaigning; hes right at home.
Apparently this Silk person believes the rudimentary t-shirt stand grift she ran with her recently deceased sister was important enough to merit assassination, and by spiffy, sci-fi bio-weapon to boot. Bless your narcissist heart. We gotta get Diamond, but no one can know it was us! said George Soros to Peter Strzok, in some smoky pizza restaurant basement.
The Ohio Department of Education is investigating a Neo-Nazi homeschooling network, because weve got Neo-Nazi homeschooling networks now, out in this Real America Im always hearing about.
George Santos announced he will be stepping down from his committee assignments, in order to spend more time with his imaginary donors. George is gonna make somebody one helluva cellmate some day soon.
How fun would that be? You know hell have some story about, like, microfilm of whats really on Hunter Bidens laptop or some shit, that he buried someplace, and when you get out, you go looking for it, even though you know he was lying, and of course it turns out he was, but youre not even mad, because you had such a fun little adventure. And then you get home and George Santos is robbing your house.
Nice to see Tucker Carlson sticking up for young George, nothing but winners there. Maybe the two of em can spend a cozy evening in the glow of the scrotum-tanning machine, griping about stoves, and ranking animated candy mascots by sexual attractiveness. Always kinda had a thing for the Trix Rabbit, if Im honest. Ambition is hot.
I see the Dotard is suing Bob Woodward, and I think America deserves to know precisely how much time he spent trying to sue Robert Redford before the lawyers talked him out of it.
After thorough consideration, I have decided the Chinese spy ballon story does not fall within my jurisdiction, so I will not be composing a joke about it at this time, though circumstances can always change, if some Republican congressman compares it to the Holocaust, for example.
We mentioned the Biden Boom a few paragraphs back, and Id like to pop back there before we sign off, just to waggle them stats tauntingly at our populist Brexiteer brethren across thpond, who are experiencing results of a somewhat different nature. Its almost like loud idiots arent good at governing things.
Plus, its always nice, wrapping up on good news, dontcha think? Perhaps Ill write a book about the last half of Joes first term. Id call it Flummoxing McCarthy, but for now, I need a beer. And the fridge is well stocked, owing to the generosity of the readership, which humbles me weekly. You stay safe out there, chums.