Who Would Get Custody of the Space Lasers? (Ferret)
So, Marjorie Taylor Greene wants a divorce. Wouldn’t it be lovely if it were that simple? To just herd all the weirdos into Florida, and let Bugs saw ‘em right off the continent? Sit on the beach, watch ‘em float away into the Atlantic, that endless, inescapable whining growing fainter and fainter…oh man, life would be one big Corona commercial.
(Makes more sense with links, promise: https://showercapblog.com/who-would-get-custody-of-the-space-lasers/)
I want to go to there. But I’m stuck here. With Marjorie Taylor Greene, which I don’t think is fair. Stuck in the United States of America during this golden age of mass killings linked to extremism, because the American Right refuses to entertain alternatives to the “radicalize idiots all day” turnout strategy that’s failed them in three consecutive elections.
You shriek and you moan, around the goddamn clock, about hydroxychloroquine and Jewish space lasers and furry kid litter boxes and Hillary Clinton eating baby faces and then when voters decide they don’t want to be governed by psychopaths, which is reasonable of them, you invent bigger lies, and drive yourselves crazier and crazier, until some of you snap and do terrorism, and maybe, just maybe, it’s time to try something else.
But no, modern Republican culture is about pushing on a door with a pull sign and calling it “fighting,” and learning from your mistakes is for sissies, so the plan is to crank the volume and menace the neighbors with firearms when they complain.
Shit, let MAGA nation secede, says me, on the condition that they take all their fucking guns with them, and immediately build a giant fucking wall around themselves. We’d agree to airdrop Twinkies and ammunition every six weeks until they wipe themselves out, which should take about two weeks.
Michigan Republicans, in their wisdom, elected deeply insane failed Secretary of State candidate Kristina Karamo as state chair, indicative of the party’s broader losers-who-won’t-go-away problem, which they have so richly earned. Look, winners don’t ingest livestock medication, and I can’t be any clearer than that.
Because he’s way transparenter than that Pelosi broad, Kevin McCarthy released thousands of hours of secret security footage from the Capitol Riot to the media. Well, not the whole media, of course. This footage belongs to the public, not the lügenpresse! Kevin had conditions.
You had to be a serial conspiracy theorist, on everything from Covid to the Big Lie. You definitely had to’ve platformed the white nationalist “great replacement theory,” obviously. Kevin strongly preferred, but did not insist upon candidates who pimp Viktor Orbán and giggle like some sidekick-level cartoon halibut in a direct-to-video Disney sequel, but you couldn’t, under any circumstances, be an actual journalist of any kind.
Now, having thoroughly enjoyed Gym Jordan’s faceplant-heavy debut as Mr. Serious Investigator Man, I am sympathetic to the Speaker’s impulse to outsource propaganda operations to a more experienced hand, but common sense and common decency compel me to ask, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Hey Kevin, can somebody who’s not the mouth of American fascism get a peek at them vids? No? Just Tucker? Well, that’s certainly a choice.
It took extra shamelessness to pull that shit in the wake of the Dominion lawsuit revelations, but luckily, that’s the one area where McCarthy’s reserves are limitless. Exclusive access for the guy who knowingly fed his audience lies? Who tried to get a colleague fired for telling the truth?
Who, incidentally, gushed, “If you haven’t seen the tape of (Trump) ordering in McDonald's, treat yourself?” Unrepentant hate-mongering aside, doesn’t America deserve to hear from someone slightly less pathetic?
“Treat yourself.” If my life were that embarrassing, I suppose I’d craft an elaborate alternate reality to hide in, too.
Joe Biden went to Europe, and though he did stop (just) short of rubbing his balls on Vlad’s goofy, overlong table, messages were sent. Whatsamatter, can’t even take out one little ol’ President? On your front porch? Hmm. That restoration of imperial glory may be a ways off yet.
It’s Putin’s bloody blunderversary, actually, though he seems oddly displeased with the presents he’s receiving. “For me? You shouldn’t have, all I brought was some convicts.” Aside from the crashed jets and the odd failed missile test, it’s all going really great, though, while on the home front, audiences thrill to the new hit game show: Surprise, You’re Press-Ganged!
If there’s one bright spot for the butcher of Mariupol, it’s his growing support within the Republican Party. Me, I would hesitate to side with hospital-bombing child traffickers, but I’m not Marjorie Taylor Greene, who once again made the Orwell for Dummies Hall of Fame, with her dippy “this war against Russia in Ukraine” framing. Ron DeSantis fared little better, because, well, he’s just not smart enough to talk about these things.
I had been blissfully unaware of Vivek Ramaswamy’s existence until this week, when he announced his presidential candidacy on Tucker Carlson, and oh my goodness, a tedious nerd grousing about wokeness is exactly what this clown car field needed. Plant this dork on the far end of the debate stage, in the Marianne Williamson spot, right next to Larry Hogan.
This primary is going to be a shitshow, folks. I saw a headline that went, “Chris Sununu Eyes the G.O.P.’s ‘Normal’ Lane in 2024. Does It Exist?” and I laughed so hard I got glared at. Yeah, Chris, maybe while Ron n’ Don’re bickering over who hates trans kids more, you can eke out enough delegates to force a floor fight. I bet that’s what happens.
“And so, Mr. Sununu — a “Seinfeld”-quoting, Covid booster-boosting son of a governor who supported Mr. Trump’s first two campaigns — is offering himself up as a walking referendum on the direction of his party.”
Oh, my sweet summer child. Your party’s voters died rather than take that vaccine. By the thousands. I guess I’m concerned we’re attributing some powers to Seinfeld here that maybe Seinfeld doesn’t actually possess. “No soup for you!” “Wow, I believe in science now!”
The middle square in Republican primary bingo is Candidate Refuses to Differentiate Self From Trump in Any Way, because Kemp/Warnock voters are a myth the deep state invented to frighten real American children.
Mike Pompeo pulled himself up by the bootstraps and had his PAC drop 42 grand on copies of his memoir, Khashoggi Had it Comin’, so now he gets to call himself a big, successful, best-selling author, and I guess if that’s what it takes to get the BlueChew to kick in, I won’t judge. That’s probably my favorite Republican puffery ritual. If I absolutely had to choose. Man, the sad, shabby sleight of hand it takes to make these mediocrities seem accomplished, and worthy of power.
As for the frontrunner, well, he proposed a nationwide federal takeover of discipline in public schools, which is…wow. You gotta pass a lotta cognitive tests to come up with something like that.
Shout out to Mark Brnovich, who abused his post as Arizona Attorney General to suppress a report debunking the Bamboo Fiber Detection Society’s voter fraud claims. Thanks so much for pouring that gasoline on the fire, Mark; I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, but it turns out you suck so much you can’t even beat Peter Thiel’s pet lizard in a primary.
Republican Congresscreep Barry Moore proposed a bill designating the AR-15 as the "national gun of America," honoring the weapon of choice of so many of our world-renowned school shooters. We should have an official national cancer, too. I propose lung, any dissenters?
While we are on the always fruitful topic of Republican ghoulishness, Alaska state Rep. David Eastman felt compelled, for whatever reason, to celebrate the fiscal benefits resulting from the deaths of abused children. If you were thinking that David sounds like the kind of young man who would pose for a photograph next to a wall-sized Hitler quote, congratulations on your instincts.
Confession time: all of the above is 100% fake news, I work for the deep state, and my whole job is to distract you from the important stuff, about Lego going woke, and the antifa plot to make Nazi homeschoolers look bad. You just got Jade Helmed, sheeple!
No, you gotta go to Don Jr’s podcast for the real shit. That’s where Kyle Rittenhouse blew the lid off the Soros-funded conspiracy against Kyle Rittenhouse that Kyle Rittenhouse made up. My heartiest congratulations to everyone who invested a chunk of their precious, finite time on Earth in a podcast interview between Don Jr and Kyle Rittenhouse, by the way; you’re obviously someone who should be pandered to during a presidential primary.
The O’Keefe/Project Veritas breakup feels like content custom manufactured for an audience of me, personally. What can I say, watching one of the shittiest people alive lose badly stimulates the pleasure centers in my brain. I would wait in line for hours to go on this ride at Disney World. More, please.
Of course, the week’s best news was probably Jon Tester announcing he’s running for reelection. There’s no sweeter sight than a Democratic Senator representing a state that’s red and getting redder, especially when you’re talking about a public servant as exceptional as Tester. Bookmark that ActBlue page, folks, he’s gonna need our help.
And in the shorter term, so does Janet Protasiewicz, who advanced to the general in the Wisconsin Supreme Court election, on April 4th. Super encouraging turnout numbers, but there’s a whooooooooole lot on the line here, so let’s not leave anything to chance.
Incidentally, you folks are all incredibly sweet and kind, and your messages of support last week meant more than you could know. I have the best readership a drunken loudmouth in a bathrobe and luchador mask could hope for, and I appreciate the heck out of ya. Stay safe out there, my friends.
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So, Israel?
It's all so insane that if you take look at it from the crazy perspective, it makes more sense and, actually, it's kind of humorous.
