Ron DeSantis Bans Births In Florida Due To Exposure Of Impressionable Infants To Vagina

[Zorro]

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas.

“No longer will we allow our innocent babies, in the first moments of their lives, to witness any obscenity, including the female genitalia,” said DeSantis, explaining that every time a person gives birth vaginally, child protective services will be called and the perpetrator will be charged with a felony for endangering a minor.

“The radical left is trying to groom our nation’s young by having them pass through the birth canal, claiming that it’s natural and healthy. But here in Florida, we know that shoving a baby out of a woman’s vagina is pornographic, and we’re not going to tolerate it. Not on my watch.”

At press time, state police had arrested millions of Floridians on charges of molestation, alleging they had exposed unborn children to their reproductive organs for up to nine months.

https://www.theonion.com/ron-desantis-bans-births-in-florida-due-to-exposure-of-1850224634

[Takket]

1. I could barely tell this is satire

[Abolishinist]

9. That's the beauty of The Onion!

And if I must say, the Borowitz Report as well.

[soldierant]

10. Yes - this had to be one or the other.

[niyad]

2. I had to check the link.

[BlueWaveNeverEnd]

3. and he yells "Florida is where WOKE goes to die!!" in that annoying voice

[Rhiannon12866]

4. I expected that he'd have banned learning to read first...

[angrychair]

5. The irony is

Because this article has the word "vagina" in it that it is against the law to read it in any school in Florida.

[burrowowl]

6. K&R

LOL

[Abolishinist]

7. I have to say I agree. I don't recall the first one,

but it took me another 15 years before coming upon the next one. Too much time in between.

[BWdem4life]

8. And what about the baby girls being forced to breastfeed?

Talk about grooming.

[CTyankee]

12. Or male babies! Gotta watch out, they'll be in therapy for years after infancy trauma due to

their nursing moms!

[LetMyPeopleVote]

11. I love good satire

[brer cat]

13. Well done, Onion, well done.

[malaise]

14. Brilliant

Rec

[Faux pas]

15. Kickin'

That'll be the next step.