Perp-Walk Fixation's Third Album is an Underrated New Wave Masterpiece (Ferret)
Sitting around waiting for Donald Trump to get arrested is at least pleasanter than sitting around waiting for Donald Trump to concede, or leave office, or potentially provoke nuclear catastrophe on the Korean Peninsula. I could do without the lurking threat of loser street violence, of course.
(Always makes more sense on the site, with th’links: https://showercapblog.com/perp-walk-fixations-third-album-is-an-underrated-new-wave-masterpiece/)
He works harder at whipping up murderous lunatics than he ever did at serving the American public. No premature declarations of victory or long golf weekends here, just a steady stream of all caps social media posts: PLEASE KILL ALVIN BRAGG FOR ME I’M TOO PRETTY FOR PRISON.
Nifty, innit, that the overwhelming frontrunner for a third consecutive Republican presidential nomination is trying to get a law enforcement official assassinated? That’s normal and healthy and fun. Doesn’t seem to be above-the-fold news, either, which is even more normal and healthy and fun.
He’s calling his enemies “human scum” and ranting about “death and destruction” and posting shit like “incidentally, if anyone’s wondering what Alvin Bragg looks like, here’s a picture of me menacing him with a baseball bat.” Liberally sprinkling accusations of being “Soros-backed,” it’s all terrifically subtle.
But then, riot turnout ain’t what it used to be, possibly because of the high incarceration rate. You best watch out, Dotard, in death cult politics, you’re only as mighty as your last lynch mob. Your would-be successors’ll rip you to pieces if they smell weakness.
…or they would, if they weren’t terrified to criticize you in any way. There’s a lot more groveling in the 2024 Republican presidential primary than is typical of competitive human endeavors, have you noticed that? You don’t tend to see a great deal of cowering deference on, say, the offensive line. But everybody’s too afraid of this prattling dipshit to actually, y’know…oppose him.
Personally, I think if you want to be President of the United States, you can’t be afraid of any game show hosts. There should be a questionnaire, with a list of every single game show host in the world, and you check the ones you’re scared of, and if you check any boxes at all, you don’t get to run for President. That should be in the Constitution.
Leave it to Donald Trump to fuck up getting arrested. Got everybody’s hopes up for a big show on Tuesday, failed to deliver. Just like always, in all things. From airlines to vodka to pandemic management to casinos to pants to midterms, the Trump brand delivers failure. Failure you can set your watch to.
And yet.
With the political instincts of cattle with self-esteem issues, the Republican Party has decided once more to rally around the crooked doofus who’s cost them three elections running. Does the GOP serve any function anymore, beyond helping this one old man commit crimes? (Outside of terrorizing trans kids, of course.)
Jim Jordan re-deputized himself Fancy Investigator Man in Charge of Whatever’s Upsetting Mr. Trump Today, and let’s set aside the instinctual abuse of power here, and contemplate for a moment, like…is it possible that Jim Jordan still believes he’s good at investigating things? Aw. Sweetie, no.
What we need in this country is a Dunning-Kruger moonshot.
Everyone inside the MAGA bubble agrees the indictment guarantees the Dotard’s reelection, for…reasons. Sure. And ivermectin will fall from the sky, washing away the groomers and the vaccinators and the busloads of antifas, on a wave of horse paste. “While the incompetence and venality turn me off, there’s an undeniable bad boy charm to him now, which I can only describe as…indicted-y.”
Of course, no one’s buried deeper in this delusion than Donnie One-Term himself, who apparently spends his days waltzing madly around Mar-a-Lago, caught up in his “perp-walk fixation,” dreaming of the gown his fairy godmother weaves even now for the persecution pageant to come, like some carny-grade Norma Desmond.
If getting arrested is his kink, this might just work out for everybody. You’d need a scorecard to keep up with all the aides n’ lawyers who’ve been ordered to testify before the various grand juries. Still curiously absent from the discourse on the Right: the once noncontroversial Electing Criminals is Bad, Actually take.
“Nobody Likes Mike Pence,” says The Atlantic. Which is true. I can’t think of anyone who likes Mike Pence. What’s to like? I suppose I like the fact that he’s subjecting himself to the daily humiliation of seeking electoral support from a mob he built that’s since turned on him. That part’s pretty great.
Meanwhile, Republicans’re desperate to like Ron DeSantis, but he sure makes it tough for ‘em, with that “inescapable shittiness” thing he’s got going on. Ron DeSantis sucks so hard, he’s somehow managed to need a staff shakeup before even officially launching his campaign, which…yikes.
Say what you will about the standard, you wouldn’t want to have a beer with Ron, would you? In fact, you wouldn’t leave a drink unattended around Ron. He’s creepy and hateful and mean. He’s a jerk. He bans books and undermines press freedoms.
He’s turned Florida into a place where criminals get to legislatively impose their personal prejudices on the populace, and every bored wannabe theocrat has the power to get educators fired for exposing kids to works of art that have endured for centuries. Where they’re trying to pass a law that would ban young girls from discussing periods in school.
The man is not even capable of engaging in light, low-stakes pandering without generating negative press. Ron DeSantis has zero game. He is sans game.
Well, maybe I’m wrong, and maybe America is about to fall in love with a lurching goon who picks fights with Rosa Parks and Disney. Maybe there’re lots of winners who sullenly demand “call me a winner” during television interviews, I just can’t think of any off the top of my head.
With book-banning attempts at a 20-year high, Louisiana Congressdork Clay Higgins dreams of replacing public libraries with “church-owned” ones, where you could check out Matt Walsh’s anti-trans children’s book, and possibly a scrotum-tanning machine. Hey Clay, America’s not going to let furious weirdos like Clay Higgins take our books away. Something something cold, dead hands.
According to a Fox News producer’s lawsuit, there’s rampant misogyny behind the scenes at the network that manufactures all those massive, culture-wrecking lies that’ve caused such a fuss. My, my. I bet break room vending machine prices are unreasonable, too.
Michigan’s kooky new GOP chair, Kristina Karamo, won’t apologize for comparing gun reform to the Holocaust, because let’s face it, she’s got a long list of shit she’s going to compare to the Holocaust before all’s said and done. It could be argued that one cannot reasonably expect a MAGA loudmouth to perform their duties without comparing shit to the Holocaust.
So, Uvalde cops were afraid of the shooter’s AR-15. That’s a reasonable reaction, I think. An AR-15 is a frightening machine. It is effective and efficient and user-friendly. And commercially available, thanks to Republican gun laws. Obviously, only societies that really, REALLY care about their children’s lives design systems that work this way.
Peter Thiel’s “anti-woke bank” somehow failed, despite Candace Owens’ endorsement, and personally, I blame the deep state. The deep state is super woke, of course. They demand diversity in the babies they sacrifice, for example. It would be considered elitist to just drink white babies’ blood.
Nick Fuentes says women secretly “want to be raped,” and if there’s one thing Nick Fuentes knows a whole lot about, it’s women. I don’t think there’s any room to question his expertise here, frankly. Wow, I never knew that about women. Hey, remember when Nick had dinner with Trump?
Also, Joe Biden might be a clone. Not to alarm anybody, I just thought you should know. And look, I know I shouldn’t meddle with forces beyond my ken, but if we can, in fact, clone Biden, we should make one just to follow Paul Ryan around and laugh at him.
Anyway, I myself am not getting indicted next Tuesday. Probably. Might have an extra beer or three this weekend, just in case. No need to riot on my behalf either way, though.
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I would love to see a Joe Biden clone following Paul Ryan around laughing at him. That visual might just carry for spell.
