Tucker Carlson Produces Doctor's Note Claiming He Would Be Unable to Raise Right Hand in Court

[lindysalsagal]

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/#inbox/WhctKKXwrllrLDZfmPVMTHXJPNCpldVrwDqxQcKJnNffCrfmwvFFbCRVFRKZmPPTfFhRHdb

By Andy Borowitz

March 29, 2023

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Complicating Dominion Voting Systems’ effort to make Tucker Carlson testify when its case against Fox News goes to trial, the T.V. host has produced a doctor’s note claiming that he would be unable to raise his right hand in court.

According to the note, signed by his New York orthopedist, Carlson sustained “a severe injury to the rotator cuff when he was a Little League pitcher and, as a result, has been unable to raise his right hand for the past forty-five years.”

“Any attempt to raise said hand would result in excruciating, unbearable pain,” the note continued.

The doctor’s note failed to convince Dominion, however, which responded by releasing dozens of photos showing Carlson raising his right hand, including during a mass salute at a Trump rally.

[ProudMNDemocrat]

1. Borowitz FTW...

Sarcasm for your Wednesday.

[louis-t]

2. Ha! Borowitz kills me.

Signed, Epstein's mother.

[lindysalsagal]

20. The end claims it's signed by his doctor: Santos.

[keithbvadu2]

23. Consultation by Ronny Jackson.

[gab13by13]

3. I wish I had a pair of work boots

made from his lips, I would have only needed one pair.

[Ray Bruns]

4. Tucker can't raise his right hand and place his left hand on the Bible

Because if he did he would burst into flames.

[Ladythatvotesblue]

17. Burst into flames

Fell off chair laughing.. Good one.

[Vogon_Glory]

31. Good one! n/t

[Yellowdog-1966]

5. At one time I thought he had a puppet master control him

At one time I thought he had a puppet master control him, now I think he's just crazy like all the other “Яepublicans.

[orleans]

6. lol - i read your headline and laughed. thanks! nt

[Bo Zarts]

7. "That's the hand to use, boys .."

"Nevermind."

Paul Simon (I think)

[orthoclad]

21. "A Simple Desultory Philippic"

Simon and Garfunkel. "A Simple Desultory Philippic (Or How I Was Robert McNamara'd Into Submission)" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Simple_Desultory_Philippic_(or_How_I_Was_Robert_McNamara%27d_into_Submission)

"I been Ayn Randed and nearly branded
A communist 'cause I'm left handed
That's the hand to use - well, never mind" (might be "boys", mem's a little off)
bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-boppity-bop

Good sendup on pop culture

in a Dylanish voice (with harmonica between lines):
"I know a man who thinks he's smart
Can't thinka nothin' atall
Not the same as you and me
He doesn't dig poetry
He's so unhip
When you say Dylan
He thinks you're talkin' 'bout Dylan Thomas
Whoevah he was"

I can't believe I remember all this. Ironically, the hippest thing you could do at the time was to mock hip. Nice rock'n'roll studio backup.

A lot of Dylan mockery, but also a lot of broad-spectrum pop-mockery. Who else has Ayn Rand in a song?

I wonder what Mr. Simon thought of Bob's xms album?

[DBoon]

25. Gawd I haven't heard that one in a zillion years

[bahboo]

8. I was 90 per cent sure it was Borowitz...

but still had to look. that's how weird things have gotten...

[Abolishinist]

13. Ain't that the truth, nothing surprises me anymore!

Although, I was 95% sure it was Borowitz.

[pwb]

9. I would like to see tucker throw a ball.

I had him down for more of a Swanson foods trust fund Polo type player.

[Smackdown2019]

10. So we have a tucker

They have a Tucker
They have a Sucker

We have lawsuits that will bankrupt them for all they have and plus some.


Doctors note, " if this did happen", would a lawful court submission and ANY false court submissions would be an ATTEMPT of the COURT.

[Paper Roses]

11. What a load of baloney. If so, the judge would allow left hand.

How many excuses will the rethugs find? This one is beyond believable. Oh, maybe this is supposed to be funny? Nothing surprises me any more.

[niyad]

28. You do know that Borowitz is satire, yes?

[Joinfortmill]

12. LOL: This dude is 'Eddie Haskell' from Leave It To Beaver

[a kennedy]

14. 🤣 😂 🤣

Geeze I love Borowitz.

[Buns_of_Fire]

15. AKA armpit spurs, among trumpublicans. It's going around. nt

[lastlib]

16. Loved the last line!

"...photos showing Carlson raising his right hand, including during a mass salute at a Trump rally." Sieg Heil, Hair Feuhrer!

Borowitz nails it again!

[Wonder Why]

18. I'd make the doctor testify under oath to that then ask him about the pix.

[niyad]

29. Welcome to our DU family.

[appmanga]

22. Is this clown kidding?

[niyad]

30. You do know that Borowitz is satire, yes?

[appmanga]

34. No, I did not...

...it just goes to show how far down the rabbit hole we've gone. I could see one of those folks actually trying this.

[niyad]

35. It is sad that we actually have to check the links for some things, they are so

close to how unsane the magats are.

[DBoon]

24. I bet he could raise his right arm enthusiastically with the right prosthetic

[Blue Owl]

26. His arm was severely burned from secondhand radiation while tanning his shriveled ballsack

[SCantiGOP]

27. At least he doesn't have painful bone spurs

The pain must have been unbearable when young Trump was on the college bowling team. What a fucking warrior.

[Artcatt]

32. I thought there was an alternative to raising hand and swearing

Besides, we know that the tuckster won’t be honest.

[Tommy Carcetti]

33. From the movie Big Eyes:

[CatWoman]

36. At first I was ashamed to admit it

but I actually believed the headline to be true