Every second on the yacht I wished I were in a Walmart parking lot

[teach1st]

Every second on the yacht I wished I were in a Walmart parking lot
Alexandra Petri, Washington Post, 4/6/2023

“I don’t have any problem with going to Europe, but I prefer the United States, and I prefer seeing the regular parts of the United States. … I prefer the RV parks. I prefer the Walmart parking lots to the beaches and things like that. There’s something normal to me about it.”

— Justice Clarence Thomas, speaking in a documentary about his life, quoted in a ProPublica report released Thursday that Thomas has accepted undisclosed luxury trips from a prominent Republican donor, including travel by yacht and private jet, for more than two decades.

Please keep in mind, my fellow Americans, that each moment I spent on the yacht was torment! That is why I did not disclose it. It was not my idea of a vacation. Every second I spent on those magnificent islands, in those bucolic retreats, eating meals cooked by private chefs, I was seething internally, wishing I were in a Walmart parking lot.

“Is everything to your liking?” numerous solicitous waitstaff aboard the yacht asked, and I sighed, dropping my cigar butt into the provided ashtray with a heavy heart. “No,” I said. “This — ” here I indicated the blue sky, the balmy sea breeze — “is not my idea of a good time, for I am a man of the people, with the tastes of the people, and I wish I were pursuing amusement as they do, by driving to Walmart on the weekend to make memories.”

A tear came to my eye as I spoke, for I could picture them so clearly, the happy weekenders, the salts of the earth who flocked to Walmart parking lots for their entertainment. Their children in the back seats, clamoring, “Walmart! Walmart! Walmart!” Their wrinkled elders, saving their pennies so that they could arrive at that cherished destination. Those parking lots are so full, always, and that is surely because they are a magnet for Americans who want to enjoy themselves.

Well, that describes me. I am not above anyone, except in the slight technical sense that I do control what rights you get to have. But you need not worry: I understand you and I am not contemptuously pandering to you: I genuinely think that you drive to Walmart for the delight of it! The simple joy of moving the carts around and putting them back, stopping at the little stop sign, and yelling indistinctly at your children not to run in front of other people’s cars! A classic American vacation!

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/04/06/clarence-thomas-luxury-vacation-walmart-satire/

No paywall (gifted): https://wapo.st/43fTeLf

ETA: The quote from ProPublica is real. The excerpted part below the quote is satire. It is not a quote from Thomas.

[Coventina]

1. GMAFB

He was forced onto the yacht at gunpoint, I presume?

[BlackSkimmer]

2. This is excellent!

Thanks for posting it!

[Meadowoak]

3. We already knew he was corrupt, now we can add demented,and a LIAR.

Should make a good case for his dismissal.

[allegorical oracle]

13. Many knew he was a liar way back when -- after his Anita Hill defense testimony. nt

[OhNo-Really]

4. Did WaPo forget to cite The Onion?

[BlackSkimmer]

7. Well, they did add a satire tag!

Hilarious!

[Tommy Carcetti]

9. It's Alexandra Petri.

She's hilarious.

Does top shelf satire.

[LeftInTX]

23. I thought it was real..lol

But, I'm on my phone and didn't open the link and just skimmed it.

[dalton99a]

5. Kick

So be reassured, my fellow Americans! I am just like you. I am not ruling over you without remembering what life is like for you. I, too, put on my pants one leg at a time — with only the most nominal assistance from my billionaire friend’s butler. Every time I have eaten caviar, it has been with great distaste, as I loudly remarked that it paled in comparison with Dippin’ Dots. All the private jet flights? Well, they lack the comfort and security of a larger plane, and I do not get to watch the charming United preflight video or rejoice in the whimsical Southwest safety announcements, nor partake in the American family pastime of sitting in an airport (that heaven on earth, full of shops and treats!) for hours while my flight is delayed and delayed and then canceled. I am denied such joys. Do you not feel sorry for me, when you hear that?

And the yachts were just miserable. Awful. I bit into the meal prepared by the chef and wrinkled my nose with disgust, sad the instant I noticed that it was not a DiGiorno pizza.

I prefer to be where the rest of you — the rest of us! — love to be, which I assume from how much time you seem to spend there must be the parking lot of Walmart. Or an RV park! Yes, that is all I wish. The simple life.

So, you see, I could not possibly disclose any of these things, for they were not blessings but curses. These are the weights I must bear in my position. If someone with the power I wield were not meant to accept these heavy burdens, surely we as a court would have adopted a formal ethics code. But there is no need: It is understood that I take no pleasure in any of this. The American people need not worry. The yachts were suffering enough.

[rubbersole]

6. Leaving Ginni at home is an undisclosed invaluable gift.

Worth millions to him. Lock him up!

[BlackSkimmer]

8. Pretty sure she went with him. nt

[MarcA]

10. Being the Master and not the Servant/Slave

was something he learned long ago when working in those fields. Rather than working for justice for the 99% he found it more beneficial to prostitute himself to the 1%.

[allegorical oracle]

11. Love it! A real reading jewel. Thx. nt

[calimary]

12. I have never seen such horse shit as what comes out of Clarence's mouth.

[cannabis_flower]

14. Well

Isn’t that just special! Bless his heart. (Southern meaning)

[Warpy]

15. I'd very much like to grant his wish

and have him spend the rest of his golden years in an RV in a WalMart parking lot. Not going to happen.

C'mon, Clarence, you're 75 years old. You could retire right now, it's not like the mean conservatives would be able to spot you later, no matter how angry they got at a Biden appointment. You could live in opulent obscurity anywhere in the country and spend your time in WalMart parking lots, soaking up the normalcy.

Go for it asshole, please. You've poisoned the court quite long enough.

[ShazzieB]

17. He'll hold out at least until after the 2024 election.

If a Democrat (presumably Biden) wins, he'll probably hang around for another 4 years. Because God forbid a Dem appoint his successor. /sarcasm

I'm kind of rooting for Mother Nature to take him out while Biden is in the White House. Unfortunately, she is not always cooperative in these matters!

[demigoddess]

16. or as we say "poor baaaby!"

so mistreated!!!

[Joinfortmill]

18. He was always a lying f*ck.

[jaxexpat]

19. Reminds one of the little remembered and seldom read autobiographic gem penned by A. Hitler,.....

"Memories of play with my childhood friends, the Mordecai twins." Especially poignant is the short poem on the prologue bearing the unforgettably fanciful and whimsical line, "where could my little friends be now? I think I've lost them somehow. It was only a prank to be played on Anne Frank. I've dutifully written and faithfully called, yet here they are hid in my own Buchenwald "

[intrepidity]

20. Anyone who "prefers Walmart parking lots to beaches"

is certifiably mentally ill.

[Maru Kitteh]

21. Yeah. He was trying way too hard there. Overshot by a country mile.

Ain' nobody buying that shit.

[Qutzupalotl]

22. Thank you for posting the gift link!

It's a nicer experience for non-subscribers, to be able to read without ads, and without supporting a content-stealing site.

Also, thanks for marking as satire. In this age of rampant misinformation, it definitely helps, even if the satire seems obvious. (It always seems obvious to those in the know, but not everyone is.) This was good, funny, and devastating.

[teach1st]

24. You're quite welcome, Qutzupalotl!