You're Just Jealous Your Own Hitler Collection is Comparatively Unimpressive (Ferret)
I’m tired of hearing about inflation and jobs reports, what we need in this country is an insufferability index, measuring the degree to which our quality of life is impacted by the shrieking inanity of the American Right in decline. That number would be off the charts this week. The charts I just made up.
(Links and shiny colors await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/youre-just-jealous-your-own-hitler-collection-is-comparatively-unimpressive/)
Well, Trump-appointed U.S. District Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk, citing junk science and authority granted nowhere in actual law, banned the abortion pill mifepristone, because he’d had quite enough of this women-having-bodily-autonomy hooey, thank you very much.
Now, I like having basic human rights removed by Federalist Society weirdos as much as the next fellow, but the electorate has sent no subtle signals since Dobbs. The American public will not passively submit to the revanchist whims of minoritarian zealots bent on shittiness for its own sake.
Of course, like so much of objective reality, this is proving to be a difficult concept for Republicans to wrap their wee minds around. They can’t quite figure out where this “youth vote problem” came from, but with thought leaders like Scott Walker and Kellyanne Conway on the job, I’m confident they’ll find a steady stream of creative excuses to avoid the obvious.
Poor Tim Scott tied himself in knots, and right when he’s launching what some feel obliged to pretend is a campaign for the Republican Party’s presidential nomination, too. Mockery aside, Tim doesn’t really need a good answer on abortion, or on anything at all, if we’re honest, given the, ahem, other obstacles he faces in the contest to lead the…y’know…the white nationalist resentment cult.
Actually, I think Texas Congressdolt Tony Gonzalez may’ve hit upon the solution: simply change the subject, and the issue will vanish into the cool night air! Women are flighty creatures, and once they’re restored to their natural station, they’ll be too busy with housework to even think about controlling their own bodies.
Yeah, I bet that works. I bet DeSantistan’s new six-week abortion ban never comes up during the entire presidential campaign, not once, cuz Ron cleverly signed the bill late at night, rather than in a showy, public ceremony. Curses! Outfoxed again, just like Disney!
I dunno. Given the ground he’s already ceding on the pudding issue, I don’t see it happening for DeSantis, though of course, you never really know what Republican primary voters will do, because their brains don’t work.
As predicted, Tennessee Republicans’re feeling a bit of buyer’s remorse over last week’s authoritarian shitfit. Seems nobody bothered to investigate procedural next steps before sending out invites to their big Excommunicate the Urban Black Guys party, so Justins Jones and Pearson barely had time to greet their new, national following before returning to work.
In addition to empowering those they sought to sanction, the other thing Tennessee Republicans accomplished was drawing the world’s attention to all the fashy shenanigans they’ve been up to of late. “Oh, um, yeah, we’re basically Hungary now. Tryin’ t’be, anyway!”
They sure had fun with their little expulsion vote, though.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t have to defend a plutocrat’s collection of Hitler memorabilia just because he bought Clarence Thomas’ mom’s house. Owning Hitler paintings is pretty fucked up, regardless of any Supreme Court Justices whose lavish lifestyles you may or may not be corruptly financing.
Another thing you don’t have to say out loud is that you think 12-year-olds should be allowed to marry. Meet Missouri State Senator Mike Moon, by the way. Oh, and “Moon's support of the practice resurfaced during a committee hearing on a bill introduced by Moon that would ban gender-affirming care for transgender children,” which goes without saying, I suppose.
Missouri Republicans’re also working to defund libraries statewide, because it’s quicker than pulling the books about Black people off the shelves individually.
Surprise, surprise, Tucker Carlson’s tougher in his texts than in real life, where he submissively offered his platform up to the doddering fuckwit he once called “a demonic force, a destroyer,” to rant about all his favorite dictators.
And sure, that was pretty emasculating, but nothing a few hours under the ol’ scrotum tanning machine couldn’t fix. Tucker was back on his feet in no time, lionizing the 21-year-old jackass who perpetrated the most damaging national security breach in years to impress a handful of asshats in a Discord chat.
(Marjorie Taylor Greene is also a fan, no doubt believing Jack Teixeira will upload the Jewish space laser schematics as soon as he finds a spare moment.)
Fox News was sanctioned (yay, incidentally) for withholding evidence in the Dominion case, another gleaming example of that organization’s general trustworthiness.
Greg Abbott coulda sworn it was legal in Texas to gun Black Lives Matter protesters down in the street, and he’ll get right on that next legislative session, but for now, he wants the world to know he’s working as quickly as humanly possible to turn a convicted murderer loose.
As you’d imagine, a wingnut like Abbott doesn’t hand out a ton of pardons, but obviously this dude is a special case, given his proudly stated racism. Oh, and his fantasies about killing protesters. Which are documented. And specific. “Might have to kill a few people on my way to work,” that sort of thing.
Yeah, we’ve seen this behavior before, and we’ll see it again. Some wound-up, armed-to-the-gills loser goes cruising for a fight so he can shoot his way out of it. Call it Rittenhousing. And Abbott is far from alone on the Right in believing it should be completely legal. Which is fairly terrifying.
Governor Tate Reeves once again proclaimed Confederate Heritage Month in Mississippi. There’s no denying Tate keeps spirit of the Confederacy alive, overseeing the highest poverty rate and highest infant mortality rate in the nation. Truly, the South rose again that time Reeves led his state to the fourth-highest COVID death rate…in the world.
Well, their culture venerates failure, and I suppose we have to respect that.
Kevin McCarthy’s assclown caucus celebrated 100 days of Jim Jordan and James Comer Punching Themselves in the Groin on C-SPAN For Some Reason. It was a lot like Kevin’s election night party, for a lot of the same reasons.
There’s now an overpriced anti-trans beer to go with the overpriced anti-trans chocolate bar, for those who enjoy lighting their money ablaze in fleeting displays of petulant hate. Meanwhile, Bud Light’s enjoying all the free advertising that comes with being the official adult beverage of Not These Screeching Bigots, secure in the knowledge that, as Dan Crenshaw so elegantly proved, Republicans are too stupid to successfully boycott anything.
Seems like only yesterday we were laughing at Elon Musk for setting the Guinness World Record for losing money, but he turned everything around this week, by covering up the W in “Twitter” (GET IT HAW HAW HAW) on the side of a building, and trolling NPR into leaving his platform. He’s so good at business, I frequently weep tears of pure admiration.
Congratulations to Arizona state Representative Liz Harris, for being shitty and crazy and dishonest enough to get expelled from a Republican-controlled legislature. I’m honestly impressed. In the state party of Kari Lake and Mark Lamb and Sheriff Joe and the Bamboo Fiber Detection Squad, Liz not only found the line, but crossed it. You should be rewarded for that, with like, a syringe of artisanal, small batch horse dewormer or something.
I see George Santos uncovered the deep state plot to ban toilet paper, which one of ya squealed? Loose lips sink imaginary pizza restaurant basements, you guys.
While mining the news for blog content, I stumbled across an article about failed white nationalist gubernatorial candidate Doug Mastriano’s Slovenian techno-polka-heavy TikTok account, which I feel compelled to share with you here. “In February, for instance, he posted a video showing cartoons of a duck in various situations with the caption, “got any grapes?” set to a sped-up song by the artist Justine Skye.”
I do, Doug. Grapes were on sale this week, actually. Doug’s looking into losing another statewide election, for Senate this time, so he can spend some more of his pal Andrew Torba’s Gab money. Whatever.
Also returning Is J.R. Majewski, who lied about his military record en route to losing his last congressional election by 13 points, in the red wave that wasn’t. Majewski, you’ll recall, rose to MAGA prominence by painting Donald Trump on his lawn, which is the sort of thing swing voters usually go nuts for, so it must’ve been the valor theft.
A Donald Trump speech at an NRA convention is too fucking much for me on a Friday night, but check it out if you hate yourself, I guess.
Just a heads up, there still be NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, April 21st, owing to commitments in my civilian identity, as mild-mannered beer drinker Clark Kent. I will see you all in two weeks. Until then, as ever, stay safe out there, m’lovelies…
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