BREAKING: Rupert Murdoch fires every Fox News employee. 22,400 individuals are given pink slips.
Sorry, I don't have a link, I just heard this on the radio while I was flipping through the channels.
Paraphrasing, Murdoch said something like: I can't do this anymore. I'm retiring. I just had a nice new patio installed. The weather is going to be getting better soon, and I bought myself a nice rocking chair to put on the patio. My plan is to sit out there on sunny days and do some whittling. I bought this great book on how to whittle these cute little birds out of wood. They are very realistic looking, and then you paint them when you are done whittling. The great thing about whittling is that you don't get judgments against you for 3/4 of a billion dollars.
I'm replacing all of those 22,400 liars with one very talented individual, Mr. Richard Flann. Mr. Flann is currently semi-retired, and working part time at Home Depot in the lumber section.
Mr. Flann was interviewed and stated: Yeah, I kinda like the job at Home Depot, but the forklift drivers are constantly coming to work drunk. They fuck with me and charge me with the forklifts when they are loading the bays up with all of that shitty twisted-up lumber. They slam on the brakes just before they hit me with the forklift, and it's pissing me off and aggravating my heart condition.
I was pleased to receive Mr. Murdoch's offer of employment. I was in charge of the Audio/Video club in high school, and I have some ideas for programming at Fox News that won't cause the company to have to pay 3/4 of a billion dollars.
I'm going to have to think more about this, but right now, my plan is to broadcast re-runs of the following old television shows:
"That Girl"
"Lost in Space"
"The Danny Thomas Show"
"My favorite Martian"
"Family Affair"
I discussed this idea with Mr. Murdoch, and he seemed pleased. My reasoning is as follows: These are "legacy" programs that have been around a long time without any problems, so there is little chance that airing these programs will cause a judgment against the company for 3/4 of a billion dollars.
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