Do people actually regret not having children? Possibly not

[marmar]

Do people actually regret not having children? Possibly not
Arwa Mahdawi

New research suggests people who are childfree by choice are pretty happy with their decisions, while some parents are not
Sat 22 Apr 2023 09.00 EDT


(Guardian UK) You’ll regret it if you don’t

You’ll be lonely. Nobody will look after you when you get old. You’ll miss out on life’s greatest joy. You won’t ever be truly fulfilled. Your life will be meaningless and shallow. Everyone will pity you. If you choose not to have children then you’ll end up regretting it forever.

Pretty much every woman who has ever been on the fence about having kids has heard variations of the above. Either from other people or from a little voice inside their own head. There is, to state the bleeding obvious, an intense societal pressure for women to become mothers.

But do people actually regret not having children? New research suggests they don’t. Last summer researchers from Michigan State University found that one in five adults in the state, or about 1.7 million people, didn’t want to have children. This was followed up with another study, published earlier this month, which looked more deeply at people who are childfree by choice. Turns out they’re all pretty happy with their decisions. “[W]e found no evidence that older child-free adults experience any more life regret than older parents,” Jennifer Watling Neal, the co-author of the study, said in a statement. “In fact, older parents were slightly more likely to want to change something about their life.”

This isn’t the first study to suggest that it’s the people who have kids who might be the ones who end up regretting their life choices. YouGov data from 2021 found that one in 12 British parents (8%) say they currently regret having kids. Younger parents aged 25 to 34 (one imagines the most sleep-deprived group) were the most likely to feel regretful, while those aged 55+ were the least regretful. Similarly, a 2013 Gallup survey found that around 7% of American parents older than 45 wouldn’t have any kids if they “had to do it over again”. And parents seem remarkably unhappy in Germany: a 2016 YouGov study found 19% of German mothers and 20% of fathers say that if they could decide again, they would not want to have any more children. ..............(more)

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/apr/22/adult-happiness-kids-children-childfree

[Skittles]

1. nope

not me!

[Ex Lurker]

22. I have regrets, but I'm too neurotic to be a good parent

so it's probably for the best.

[PJMcK]

2. Do people actually regret having children? (n/t)

[TwilightZone]

4. According to the article, yes.

[roamer65]

5. Yes. I work with one or two who do.

I’ve got a wonderful niece and nephew, so I definitely do not regret not having kids.

Especially with what’s coming climate wise.

[Maeve]

7. There are things I could have done without them

But I do love the little rugrats even if the youngest is over 30! And I wouldn't change a thing.

[Arkansas Granny]

11. I don't regret having children, but it's a tough job and I can understand people who don't wish

to have children. I planned on having two children, but ended up having four.

It might sound cold and callous to some, but as much as I love my 2 youngest, if I hadn't had them, I wouldn't have missed them.

[ecstatic]

17. That's a very taboo topic. Very few people will

admit to regretting having kids.

[shrike3]

24. More than a few people have told me that if they had it to do over again they wouldn't have children

I think they tell me because I don't have kids and so won't judge.

They have been, without exception, older people whose kids did not turn out particularly well. At times they have turned out to be dangerous or close to it. One poor lady that I know had to leave home to take care of a relative, and while she was gone her (addict) son got into her house and stole, then sold, everything that wasn't nailed down,

I assume these people are a very small percentage of the parents out there. I have never met a person with a young child who regretted them. But who could regret one of those? Adorable, even when they're being bad. But as they say, little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.

[TwilightZone]

3. Nope, not me.

I knew by the time I was 14 that I never wanted to have kids. Haven't wavered once in the several decades since and have zero regrets.

[Meadowoak]

6. Totally happy with no children, never regretted it for a minute.

[brooklynite]

8. 63 YO. Never wanted kids. Still don't.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

9. Lol no shit

[Chainfire]

10. A lot of people who had children, by choice, or by accident shouldn't have.

People who make the decision not to have children can have a lot of good reasons for the choice.

I would like to have grandbabies to bounce on my knee, but both of my children (40ish) are apparently going to remain child free. Perhaps I should sue them...I respect their decisions and have never tried to influence them one way or the other; their lives, their choices.

For my wife and I, looking back, the best, most fun years or our life, were when we were raising our kids, but different strokes for different folks.

[Arkansas Granny]

12. I have 4 children. Two have children, two do not. I respect their decision.

[Maru Kitteh]

13. I Love my daughters and regret nothing about them being in the world.

But I respect everyones choice! The daughter I thought would NEVER have kids had one, the daughter I feared would have like NINE kids decided not to have any. I would never dream of pressuring anyone to have a child.

[Meowmee]

14. I was always ambivalent about it

Health issues are a big reason many do not want children. Also just trying to have children can bring out a lot of health issues. And who wants to pass on diseases to your child etc. I never understood that… one of my friends years ago… his family just kept having more children, his father had a terrible hereditary disease that could be passed on.

[Polly Hennessey]

15. No regrets. Made my decision in my early twenties.

Never looked back.

[edisdead]

16. Do people think and feel in monolithic ways?

Possibly not.

[gratuitous]

18. It was the right choice for me

I was in my late 30s when I took stock of my life (I'm not much of a taking-stock-of-my-life person, so I remember this pretty well), and realized that I didn't have children and probably wouldn't. I'd had a couple-three serious relationships, but no prospects on the horizon. I mulled it over for a weekend or so, and decided I was okay with that. I haven't changed my mind, haven't had cause to regret it, and now as I approach retirement age, I'm convinced that it was the right choice for me.

[bahboo]

19. absolutely no regrets....

[Bettie]

20. We all make decisions, large and small

some we're happy with, some we aren't.

Some days, we think we've done well and some days, we regret each and every decision we've ever made.

And we all make different ones.

We thought we had made a terrible decision with our third child...he was a surprise anyway, but he didn't sleep more than 4 hours at a stretch for his first 18 months. That was hard, but we love being his parents and he is a happy kid.

I love being a mom, DH loves being a dad...most of the time.

I know parents who love being parents and parents who don't.

I know childfree people who are really happy with that and some who wish they had chosen differently.

We're not all the same and yes, some are happy, some aren't. Most are some mix of happy and wistful about other paths they might have taken. "What if" is a powerful thing. Who knows what might have happened if we did X or Y?

7% of parents say they wouldn't do it...for most things, I think you could find 7% of people who said "well, that didn't turn out the way I thought it would".

This reminds me of the continual articles about how single women are happy....and married women are not. Some are, some aren't.

And we'll never know if the other path might have been better, because we've already made our decisions.

[niyad]

21. Child-free both by choice, later cemented by side-effects of a failed

dalkon shield.

I have never, for a single minute, regretted my choices. As a matter of fact, I was having a discussion with a friend just the other day about children and choices. She is worried sick for her daughter, son-in-law, granddaughter and gd's husband-- all teachers, and her great- grands in school. I worry for everyone, but don't have any of my own to worry about.

This observation is not new. At my 25th HS reunion, a former classmate, also child-free by choice, and I were discussing this very topic. None of us who were child-free by choice regretted it. But a number of people we knew who had children wished they could go back and make different choices.

I feel for all parents these days. I cannot imagine the level of worry and fear for so many.

[stopdiggin]

23. trade off. perfectly willing to entertain

the idea that I might have missed out on valuable and meaningful elements. Also 100% sure that I missed out - on a lot of heartache and crap that I never needed in the first place. And - big, big factor here - my ego (peculiar instrument that it is) never set up any kind of real big clamor, that this was something I really needed as fulfillment.'

Regrets? About on the same order of wishing I'd been a big rock n' roll star. Not a great deal. And less with every passing day.

[Buckeyeblue]

25. I don't regret having kids

But it was never a life goal of mine to reproduce. I think that's allowed me to let my kids be the people they are, rather than being an overbearing parent who forces choices on them.

I think some people have kids too young and spend the rest of their life chasing down the version of themselves they wanted to be.

But I would agree that the people I know that don't have kids don't seem to regret it.

[shrike3]

27. The people I know who regret kids saw their children not turn out very well.

They have the added guilt of thinking they are responsible, I imagine. (Which is not saying they are. Life is too complicated.)

I know people with kids, I know people without. Neither group seems happier or unhappier than the other. Unless they're hiding deep, dark secrets.

[BlueTsunami2018]

26. I don't regret having kids, except when I do.

Like everything else, it’s a mixed bag. Sometimes it’s a joy greater than nearly anything and sometimes it’s an expensive, unrewarding pain in the ass that saps the life out of you.

I don’t know that it works the other way. Dogs exist after all.