The Ones We Sent Away: I thought my mother was an only child. I was wrong.

[Nevilledog]

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2023/09/disabled-children-institutionalization-history/674763/

No paywall
https://archive.li/HaBhd

This story starts, of all things, with a viral tweet. It’s the summer of 2021. My husband wanders into the kitchen and asks whether I’ve seen the post from the English theater director that has been whipping around Twitter, the one featuring a photograph of his nonverbal son. I have not. I head up the stairs to my computer. “How will I find it?” I shout.

“You’ll find it,” he tells me.

I do, within a matter of seconds: a picture of Joey Unwin, smiling gently for the camera, his bare calves and sandaled toes a few steps from an inlet by the sea. Perhaps you, too, have seen this photo? His father, Stephen, surely did not intend it to become the sensation it did—he wasn’t being political, wasn’t playing to the groundlings. “Joey is 25 today,” he wrote. “He’s never said a word in his life, but has taught me so much more than I’ve ever taught him.”

That this earnest, heartfelt tweet has been liked some 80,000 times and retweeted more than 2,600 is already striking. But even more so is the cascade of replies: scores of photographs from parents of non- and minimally verbal children from all over the world. Some of the kids are young and some are old; some hold pets and some sit on swings; some grin broadly and some affect a more serious, thoughtful air. One is proudly holding a tray of Yorkshire pudding he’s baked. Another is spooning his mom on a picnic blanket.

I spend nearly an hour, just scrolling. I am only partway through when I realize my husband hasn’t steered me toward this outpouring simply because it’s an atypical Twitter moment, suffused with the sincere and the personal. It’s because he recognizes that to me, the tweet and downrush of replies are personal.

*snip*

[Joinfortmill]

1. Meet Adele, people...

'I was 12 when I learned. My mother and I were sitting at the kitchen table when I wondered aloud what I’d do if I ever had a disabled child. This provided her with an opening...Her name is Adele.'

[hedda_foil]

2. I just finished the whole piece. It's one of the most worthwhile essays I've ever read.

[crickets]

3. Agreed. It was almost overwhelming, but I could not stop reading.

So incredibly sad, and yet the family recovered the gift of knowing Adele before it was too late.

[WhiteTara]

4. I'm weeping still

[Solly Mack]

5. K&R

[yonder]

6. A long read but so worthwhile. If one reads nothing else today, make time for this.

[yonder]

7. And one more recommend. Just because.

[jmbar2]

8. Beautifully-written memoire and reflections

My high-school piano teacher was a single woman with 2 kids. One was similarly institutionalized. This story gives me some sort of understanding of how difficult her life was. She had to make very difficult choices as a single mother with a severely disabled child, in order to support herself and the other child.

Thanks for posting.

[Backseat Driver]

9. Personally relevant and poignantly heartbreaking.

Kick and recommended.

[3catwoman3]

10. Very well written.

I had a classmate, from 3rd grade on, who had a younger sister who was institutionalized. This would have been the late 1950’s. I remember being quite fascinated by this. I think the family did visit, but my classmate didn’t ever discuss anything about her sister.

I remember once asking, “Does she look like you,” and was told that the sister had blonde hair, as my classmate did. Nothing more was ever said.

[halobeam]

11. Thanks for sharing this. Simply moving.

Wow. 🌷

[IcyPeas]

12. I recently read "The Lost Girls of Willowbrook" fiction but based on a true story...

As I read this story about Adele I was picturing this documentary which has some similarities.

The book was okay. But it prompted me to look up Geraldo's famous expose, which is included in the book. I also came across this documentary made 25 years after Willowbrook was closed. It’s interviews with families who had a relative institutionalized there. Interesting... and heartbreaking.

[Hekate]

13. I am deeply touched by this.

Still trying to organize my thoughts — the 2 sisters are exactly my generation; their parents the age of mine. 💔💔💔

[Nevilledog]

14. Kick

[shrike3]

15. I wonder how the author's mother would have felt had her disabled sister been kept at home.

I know families who've done this, taken care of highly disabled children, and while it can be very good, but it can also be very bad. It can be a terrible strain on the marriage, depending on the people involved. Some, certainly not all, siblings may resent the disabled one for spending so much time in the family spotlight. They may resent resources and attention going to the disabled child instead of themselves. It can get dicey when mom and dad get old, and someone else must take over the disabled child's care.

What struck me was the tremendous effort and hard work put in by the caregivers: heroic, really. We spent all that money on institutions. We can certainly spend money on help, support and respite for families/caregivers who give the gift of a good life to people who weren't born like the rest of us.