Would you stay or would you go?

[CTyankee]

I have been thinking about the devastating position that Holly Petraeus has been put into and wondering what I would do, given her situation. Of course, we cannot know the real story behind the news story. But I have given this some thought and heard some interesting comments during an NPR program on infidelity today.

This is a question for both the men and the women on this board. I think it is a hard one. I myself am pretty baffled, given the circumstances for Mrs. Petraeus.

[Warpy]

1. She's asking herself one question now

"Will my life be better with him or without him?" She's the only one who can answer that.

[CTyankee]

4. Yes, it IS the question, no doubt.

What is difficult for me is the betrayal of trust issue. You are never the same after such a betrayal so staying does not put you back to where you once were. So the problem with the question is that you don't know whether you will be better off one way or another.

[Jackpine Radical]

2. I wouldn't presume to advance an opinion here.

I have no idea of the "inside story." Even if Holly asked me about this as a clinician--and I therefore know more about the situation (or at least her perspective on it)--I would just try to help her sort through and weigh the undoubtedly complicated factors in play. For all I know, they may have an explicit or implicit "open marriage" agreement, as some military couples do.

[MineralMan]

3. It's impossible for anyone else to say.

They may even have an accommodation that covers his affairs. That does happen. Or not. We don't know, and it's not our business, really. That part of this whole thing shouldn't really be part of our discussion here, IMO.

[CTyankee]

7. That is why I posed it as a question of what we would do, not her.

The program on NPR was interesting from a number of different factors. Of interest to feminists is the sexism inherent in this situation (which could be to a lesser degree plenty of women's situations). The sexist issue was discussed quite openly on the program and I was surprised at the candor of some of the callers to the show. One was from a woman whose female partner was unfaithful and so it wasn't a sexism issue, it got right down to trust. For one caller it was an issue of basic integrity in the military leadership and also an issue, in her view, of taxpayers' money.

So the contours of this discussion have political, ethical and equality dimensions. That was my purpose with this thread.

[MineralMan]

11. I understand. Still, since none of us knows exactly what

their relationship is like, we can't really say. Everyone's tolerance level for such things is different. Many marriages have survived infidelity by one or both partners. Other marriages fail with a single incident of infidelity.

Without knowing the people involved, I wouldn't even speculate. Look at the Clintons for an example of a marriage that survived even a public exposure of infidelity. Too many variables are involved to really discuss this marriage and the consequences.

[Little Star]

5. One never knows until they are walking in her shoes...

every marriage has different qualities both good and bad. Each person has different tolerance levels, etc.

I doubt anyone can say what they would do in her shoes.

[ProgressiveProfessor]

6. The Clintons are still together is an example of a high profile couple patching it up

[Comrade_McKenzie]

8. Unforgivable offense. You have to be a weak person to stay with someone after that. nt

[fadedrose]

9. I'd say "Good-bye, Jerk"

and don't care if I'm the only one who feels that way.

She's busy with veterans, etc., and can have a very fulfilling life without him. She's attractive in her way, very friendly looking, and a person who looks like she's worth knowing - without her baggage....

[Cleita]

10. I think it would depend on your financial security.

Women of means don't have to stay with a cheating husband. A neighbor of mine just left her philandering husband. With the community property involved, she's quite comfortable on her own although she's in her sixties and she does have a strong social network of friends to support her. She's already out there dating but worries that some men might be dating her for her money. I don't think Holly Petraeus would have anything to worry about either, financially at least.

However, for some poor women who have reached middle age and beyond, the choice isn't that clear cut. While they have a comfortable life within the marriage, splitting up would put both parties into poverty. So I might stay if that were the circumstance. However, I wouldn't forgive, forget and stay if I didn't have to. It would be very hard to have to look at that person you once loved everyday and be reminded of the betrayal.

[TwilightGardener]

12. Holly Petraeus was friends with the Kelley twins, weirdly. I can't believe

she is so naive as to not see Broadwell and the Kelleys for what they are--as a woman, I know when I have a rival or when another gal is flirting with my husband. I have never been an important person, however, so I don't know if I'd recognize when someone is cozying up to me for ulterior motives--maybe poor Holly really thought these glamourous women liked her for herself?

[madmom]

13. Once trust goes, there's nothing left, IMO.

[loli phabay]

14. as others have said we dont know the arrangement of their marraige. could be open

Could e that as hes a general and out and about he allowed to play when on the road. We just dont know enough.

[CTyankee]

17. Well, not really. There was one report saying that she was "furious." I doubt if she would be

all that mad if they had an "arrangement." Plus, I doubt he would have resigned in the first place since there would be no reason to.

Being publicly humiliated was probably not part of any bargain she would have made.

[loli phabay]

19. might be the public bit that has her furious. i dont know as i said

But hes not the first or the last powerful guy who has a mistress and honestly ve no problem with it myself.

[CTyankee]

20. well, having an arrangement is one thing but I don't like this kind of thing being thrown in

someone's face in such a public way, whether it be husband or wife doing it. Personally, I wish we all hadn't known a thing about it. I don't really want to know what goes on in people's lives. But it is an incredibly cruel thing to do publicly to anyone.

[LadyHawkAZ]

15. I don't find it hard at all

The only question I would have would be "Did you use a condom?", and if the answer was no there would be a fight. I only have one rule, but it's a big one. I don't care if my partners sleep around- I care that they sleep around safely.

I'd stay. If your love for your partner hinges entirely on what they do with their genitals, you don't have a lot of love for your partner, imo.

[Spike89]

16. Lots of assumptions to overcome

We know the husband in this case had an affair. That is all we really know. Maybe she's been having affairs for years, maybe they decided years ago to have an open marriage, maybe they are still married strictly for political reasons. Maybe they are the "perfect couple" and this wounds her, but doesn't end the marriage. On the other hand, maybe she gets her kicks hearing about his affairs. I just don't know and although it is titillating, it isn't any of my business.

I'm sure she has the resources to make a decision that she chooses, unlike many women and some men in similar circumstances. Therefore, if she chooses to leave or stay, it will probably be because that is what works best for her.

[CTyankee]

18. But there are reports that she is "furious" so that doesn't sound like she gets kicks out of

hearing about his affairs. Sorry, but that just doesn't make any sense to me...