Article about another reluctant traveler
Manhattan woman campaigns to the break silence about taboo subjects of depression, suicide after 12-year-old son took own life
By Karen Ingram
staff writer
Photo Courtesy of Martha Stevens
Ian Atchison, pictured here at age 11, took his own life approximately one year after this photo was taken. “Ian was a wonderful boy and the way he died does not define who he is. He had an illness,” said Martha Stevens, Manhattan resident and Ian’s mother. Stevens is now an advocate for suicide prevention and education.
Manhattan resident Martha Stevens can talk calmly about her son, Ian Atchison, who died five years ago this March. She will talk about him to anyone who will listen and this fact, she said, makes many people uncomfortable.
"If Ian had died of cancer or cystic fibrosis, people would be like, 'Way to go, Martha, you're going after the thing that killed your son,'" Stevens said. "But because he died of suicide, people don't want to hear about it, and that angers me."
Atchison was only 12 years old and in the sixth grade when he took his own life. Stevens found him and performed CPR. When first responders arrived on the scene, they took over and worked to save his life.
"They would not give up on a child," Stevens said. "They were heroes. They were princes."
Atchison was airlifted to Kansas City, where Stevens and her ex-husband sat by his side for four days, but Atchison never regained consciousness. Eventually, his family made the difficult decision to terminate life support.
"It's an odd sort of gratitude, but I had four days to talk to him and sing to him," Stevens said. "Most parents I've spoken to have not had that."
In the days following Atchison's death, Stevens said she started out strong with a desire to help everyone else. She kept busy by planning the funeral and speaking with the parents of his classmates, but after the funeral, she said, the real work began — living in a world without her son.
"I wanted badly to die. I wanted to be with Ian," Stevens said. "I think what stopped me in those early days was, I couldn't figure out where. Having found my son, I didn't want anyone to find me."
Stevens said she began developing symptoms of post-traumatic stress, like flashbacks, nightmares and insomnia, while Atchison was still in the hospital.
Although the symptoms have gotten better, they persist to this day and she still requires medication to help her sleep and struggles when everyday tasks can trigger an episode.
Grocery shopping was, and still is, difficult because the sight of his favorite foods can reduce her to tears. Halloween is especially difficult, she said, because of the fake gravestones and hanging skeletons or mannequin "corpses" everywhere.
Laurie Wesely, assistant director for clinical services at K-State, said those she has talked to who know someone who died by suicide never get over it.
"It's a grief that doesn't end," Wesely said. "And part of it is that 'Why? What could I have done?'"
Stevens said, in retrospect, her son gave signs that he was suicidal over a six-month period before he died, but because they were not conglomerated, she said, the signs went unrecognized. Many of the symptoms are similar to normal adolescent behavior, such as mood swings, bouts of depression and insomnia.
"I knew the signs and I did not put them together," Stevens said. "The guilt can be incredible."
For months afterwards, Stevens looked for a suicide note from Atchison to explain why he had chosen to take his own life.
"But there was no note," Stevens said. "He was just gone."
Stevens said it is difficult to point to any one thing as the cause of suicide, as it is usually a very complicated thing with many factors involved, a sentiment shared by Aaron Gier, Manhattan resident, who lost a close friend to suicide in December 2011.
Gier said he has heard people express anger because his friend left behind a 7-month-old daughter when he died.
"You don't know what he was going through at the time," Gier said he told them. "I don't judge people for their actions."
Wesely said all the people she has talked to who have attempted suicide say the same thing, that they thought they were thinking so clearly at the time and had thought everything through so carefully. In hindsight, they told her, they realized they were not thinking clearly at all.
"I think any of us can get in that space," Wesely said. "I think feelings of being trapped and not having any options can make anyone feel that way."
Three months after her son's death, Stevens came to the conclusion that she could no longer cope alone; Manhattan, however, does not have a local survivors of suicide group.
The nearest available support group is in Topeka, so Stevens went online looking for help and discovered a support group called Parents of Suicides. She requested to speak to someone who had lost their child in a similar manner to the way Atchison died, so that they would know exactly what she was going through.
A match was found and Stevens found comfort in being able to talk about her thoughts and feelings, no matter how dark, with people who would listen and understand.
"They have saved my life, over and over and over," Stevens said. "Finding your peers is so very important."
Stevens is now a moderator of the online support group and is registered in the state of Tennessee — the state where the group was founded — in suicide prevention.
Like her own experience, Stevens said she has found it is not uncommon for parents and others who have lost someone they love to suicide to become suicidal themselves. She said she has a knack for picking up on members who are in the greatest despair and helping them, and she believes she has saved several lives.
"You have to ask hard questions: 'Do you have a plan for taking your life tonight? Tell me about your plan,'" Stevens said. "What keeps me going is giving back. I still have periods when I don't think I'm going to make it, but it's not every day anymore."
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reports that one person dies of suicide every 15 minutes in the United States, averaging 101 people every day. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among Americans aged 15 to 24 years old, and the sixth leading cause between the ages of 5 and 15.
Treatable conditions, such as depression and substance abuse, are present in the majority of suicides. Stevens said she felt the social stigma over mental illness causes a lot of people to be hesitant to seek help.
"I am quite free in saying I'm ill. There are many ill people out there who cannot say 'I'm ill,'" Stevens said. "Mental illness is like a civil war, a war in your own body. It's not fair for a child to have to fight those battles."
Wesely agreed there is a stigma about seeking help for depression and suicide. Students who come to Counseling Services at K-State are often burdened with two ideas: that someone will think they are crazy or that they are wasting someone's time with their problems.
"Counseling isn't for crazy people. It's for anyone who hits a bump in the road," Wesely said. "And who doesn't hit a bump?"
Likewise, Wesely said, it is important for students not to be afraid to seek help, no matter how big or small their problems are.
"It's not a waste of our time. That's why we're here," Wesely said. "The quicker you seek help, the quicker your resolution."
The Office of Student Life also has resources available for students, faculty and staff who are worried about the well-being of a student at K-State.
"I think the important thing is talking to somebody," Wesely said. "Everybody's here to help. We want to help students be successful."
Heather Reed, associate dean of student life and director of the Office of Student Life, said anyone who has concerns about a student are welcome to call, email or come by the office at 102 Holton Hall. If the person wishes to remain anonymous, a handwritten letter or phone call is best, Reed said.
Another resource that is available is the Student of Concern form. Concerned parties can go to the Office of Student Life's website to fill out the form if they worry a student may be a danger to themselves or others. The form is sent to multiple parties at once, including Reed, to ensure fast turnaround time.
The office then contacts the student in question, usually by phone, to ask them if they are all right and offer different options to help them. Sometimes students who are contacted say they are fine and decline help, but all of the students appreciate that someone cares, Reed said.
"When someone is struggling, we want to reach out and help," Reed said. "It's part of the K-State way, helping each other."
Stevens said the world can be a hard place when you can not see past the wrongs, but it is important to stay strong. Above her sink are a series of quotes to inspire her when she is feeling down.
Her favorite one reads, "Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"
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