I Saw Hoodie Fetterman With the Devil, and Other Crucible Jokes That Don't Quite Work (Ferret!)
Historians will surely mark this week as the precise moment American decline became irreversible, as John Fetterman presided over the United States Senate wearing pasties and a g-string, while Susan Collins go-go danced in a shark cage suspended above Josh Hawley’s desk. Indeed, at this point, the only thing preventing the total collapse of the nation’s economy is David Brooks’ drinking habit.
(You know the drills. Links n’ shininess here: https://showercapblog.com/i-saw-hoodie-fetterman-with-the-devil-and-other-crucible-jokes-that-dont-quite-work/)
Kevin McCarthy was far too busy stepping on rakes and running crotch-first into furniture corners to meet with Volodymyr Zelensky, so he vetoed a proposed joint congressional address, which spared the Ukrainian president the embarrassment of getting molested by Lauren Boebert, anyway.
On a certain level, it’s not really fair to ask McCarthy to lead the House through a shutdown crisis. It’s like asking an emu to quarterback the Dallas Cowboys. But bless his heart, Kevin somehow always manages to blow right past my frankly cruelly low expectations.
I don’t mean to minimize the challenges inherent in corralling a horde of preening hyenas, but when you spend a week watching this clod repeatedly fail to coax his Republican majority into even opening debate on a freakin’ defense appropriations bill, you can’t help but think, “Hey, who let that emu out on the field? And how’d they get those cleats on him?”
Gonna be a ride, folks. Don’t plan on visiting any national parks any time soon.
Indicted co-conspirator Jenna Ellis stuck with Inmate P01135809 through murderous pandemic mismanagement and bloody insurrection, but when he refused to pay her legal bills, suddenly she noticed he’s a “malignant narcissist.” Welcome to the party, Jenna. Help yourself to some horse paste, we picked it up just for you.
Ellis is now widely expected to flip on her old boss, joining former aide Molly Michael, who told federal investigators the Dotard used classified documents as scratch paper for to-do lists and such. No doubt there’re plans for military strikes on Iran with lewd little missives to Ivanka scrawled in the margins.
We’re told Wee Donnie One-Term has grown increasingly anxious about the prospect of doing serious prison time, and no wonder, since he just torpedoed his own last-ditch legal defense on Meet the Press. Not only are you absolutely destined to pass the remainder of your days in “one of those jumpsuits,” bro, they’re tailoring yours for a guy who’s 6’3” and 215 pounds.
Following his criticism of Florida’s six-week ban, anti-abortion activists complained the Velveeta Vulgarian sold them out like they were, I dunno, our Kurdish allies in Syria or somethin’, but what’re they gonna do about it, back DeSantis?
The pre-mortems are already rolling in, as Ron has fallen to fifth place in New Hampshire, behind Nikki Haley, Chris Christie, and a surprisingly strong write-in campaign for Kevin Sorbo. Team DiSappointus’ steadily plummeting ambitions have already landed on “finishing a strong second in Iowa,” en route to the inevitable “securing a decent seat at Scott Walker’s monthly euchre game.”
On the eve of Mark Milley’s retirement, The Atlantic took us on a whimsical stroll down memory lane through his tenure as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff during the Fall of the Turd Reich, recounting such timeless anecdotes as Yes, Mr. President, Guam is Part of America (And Therefore We Should Not Let North Korea Nuke It), and Wounded Veterans Sure Are Gross, Huh?
And hey, Chuck Schumer even managed to sneak Milley’s replacement past Tommy Tuberville, by distracting the Alabama Senator with that trick where you make it look like you’re pulling the top half of your thumb off. He screamed and passed out.
Merrick Garland thought he could get away with using taxpayer dollars to sponsor Hunter Biden’s Naked Bike Ride in Support of the Criminalization of Catholicism™️, but against the veritable wad of Columbos comprising Gym Jordan’s House Judiciary Committee crew, he never stood a chance.
Well, the cricket-infested Texas Senate officially granted cartoonishly corrupt attorney general Ken Paxton the license to commit all the crime he likes, which’ll certainly come in handy on his eagerly anticipated revenge tour. Now, Paxton’s making obscene squawks about a primary challenge to Senator Cornyn, a helpful reminder of the one fundamental truth of Republican politics: somehow, they always, ALWAYS find someone even shittier.
Son of Skidmark’s Xwitter account got hacked, almost certainly because his password was something ridiculously easy to guess, like “12345” or “password” or “Whydoesn’tdaddyloveme?”
Incidentally, I wonder what Elon’s blaming on th’Jews this week? Oh, nothing much, just “the destruction of western civilization.” Off-Brand Orbán, in contrast, targets only the liberal Jews, which is downright moderate of him. Shana Tovah, everybody!
Rupert Murdoch announced he’s stepping down as Archbishop of Propaganda to spend more time with the ravenous demonic entities that come into focus a little more clearly each day as the contract he signed at that crossroads outside Melbourne approaches maturity. Full disclosure: I haven’t seen Succession yet, so I will be unable to fulfill audience expectations for the duration of this paragraph. As always, you may return any unused portion of this blog for a full refund.
While Missouri State Senator and Republican gubernatorial candidate Bill Eigel wasn’t actually burning books in a viral video, he expressed openness to burning books in the future, “on the front lawn of the governor’s mansion,” which would be a pretty shitty thing to do to the groundskeeper, on top of the, y’know, fascist overtones.
Seems Amerikkka’s Mayor was so ensorcelled by the atmosphere of impending mob violence on January 6th, 2021 that he simply could not refrain from groping Cassidy Hutchinson. Forgive me if I’m unable to muster any sympathy for the longtime lawyer Giuliani apparently stiffed, by the way. Get in line, pal, behind the Georgia election workers Rudy harassed and defamed.
New reporting yet again revealed Clarence Thomas’ brazen corruption runs even deeper than previously known, and I already used the gag about cutting and pasting a paragraph into future blogs to save time, didn’t I? Dangit.
Speaking of brazen corruption that runs even deeper than previously known, perhaps if we all chipped in for a gold bar or two, Bob Menendez could be enticed into early retirement. Tired of this jag fartin’ up the air on the moral high ground, y’know?
Bob’s indictment is, of course, merely a DoJ plot to create the illusion of impartiality, just like the Hunter Biden charges, and especially the charges Ray Epps just pleaded guilty to. That wily deep state’ll sneak right up on ya, if you’re not careful.
Amidst yet another round of layoffs, Project Veritas announced the indefinite suspension of all operations, and that’s certainly wonderful news, but I feel like karma still owes us some hemorrhoids and wasp stings here.
Anyway, to get back to the genuinely important shit, I do believe that United States senators should adhere to a fairly formal dress code, but as a body double replacement, obviously this wouldn’t apply to “Senator Fetterman.” That’s just common sense.
Well, assuming the emu’s shutdown doesn’t disrupt the alcohol supply chain, I should be back next week…though it might not hurt to restock the beer fridge, just in case. As always, I appreciate your kind support. Stay safe out there, m’lovelies…
(Still working to rebuild the following at the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, where I can now be found @john_luzar)
= new reply since forum marked as read
Bullseye!
TheFerret around my brain like a swig of those fine tocays (in several excellent flavors: orange, red, green, and purple now available in a convenient gallon milk jug size) that sponsored the not-prime-time wrestling shows in the ‘70s. Ah, those were the days. Now they just give away entertainment like that in Congress for free.
I can understand wanting to rule in Hell, rather than serve in Heaven. Unfortunately, that position has already been claimed at the Eques, formerly known as Twitter. Many times. Have you looked into MySpace? I keep hearing there is an opening.
Thanks again for bringing a reasonable narrative to an irrational situation, Cap.
