Breaking: Republican Intern Named Zach to Be Speaker of the House

[lindysalsagal]

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/republican-intern-named-zach-to-be-speaker-of-the-house?utm_source=nl&utm_brand=tny&utm_mailing=TNY_Borowitz_10132023&utm_campaign=aud-dev&utm_medium=email&bxid=639d8f242bd81a04de0da4d8&cndid=72191988&hasha=fe8bc45b402994c6754f546553256d09&hashb=d52437994f776ceb222bcc6a2655628fedf2a0d6&hashc=f6a0d94c816fe5ba8d662ac9ee83dfdbae1a51d1a7fb8eba2a9d0718e9759a89&esrc=BX_Multi1st_Borowitz&utm_term=TNY_Borowitz


“This is gonna be dope,” he said.
By Andy Borowitz

October 13, 2023

https://media.newyorker.com/photos/65297fcb628e3ee72d922835/master/w_1280,c_limit/borowitz-intern%20house%20speaker.jpg

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what they are hailing as a consensus choice, House Republicans have nominated a college intern named Zach to be the new Speaker of the House.

The freshly minted G.O.P. nominee acknowledged that he was “kind of surprised” to be chosen as Speaker but said that he was “totally stoked about wielding that hammer.”

[dalton99a]

1. Great choice

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what they are hailing as a consensus choice, House Republicans have nominated a college intern named Zach to be the new Speaker of the House.

The freshly minted G.O.P. nominee acknowledged that he was “kind of surprised” to be chosen as Speaker but said that he was “totally stoked about wielding that hammer.”

“I’m, like, whoa—all of a sudden, I’m Thor,” he said. “This is gonna be dope.”

Zach, who is taking a year off from his studies at the Northern University of Southern Florida, is well liked within the G.O.P. conference, insiders said.

“Zach never screws up our coffee orders,” one Republican congressman said. “You couldn’t say the same for Kevin McCarthy.”

[gratuitous]

14. Is that the Northern University of Southern Florida in East Westchester?

The Fighting Nor'easters if memory serves.

[underpants]

2. Hilarious

[634-5789]

3. He can't POSSIBLY do any more harm than the rest of the GQP assbags.

[obamanut2012]

4. lol

[CatWoman]

15. I half thought it was true

[dchill]

24. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Wonder Why]

29. When it comes to Republicans, none are innocent.

[dchill]

32. Right? I intended irony, but failed...

Change the names all you want. You're not innocent, MAGATS.

[Hermit-The-Prog]

31. I was HOPING it was true.

[Journeyman]

5. "This is gonna be dope." . . .

If nothing else, the chamber will be better than half full of them.

[moondust]

6. Is he selfish enough?

To do whatever he wants and ignore everybody else? The GQP MO.

[LetMyPeopleVote]

7. I love good satire

Link to tweet

[SergeStorms]

10. Borowitz is great.

His satire is so outrageous it fools many into thinking it's reality. It's just too outrageous to be satire, it has to be the truth, right?

[FailureToCommunicate]

25. Yup. He looks like he checks all the boxes.

[Shermann]

8. At least he'd get paid nothing to do nothing nt

[orleans]

9. i think we're all "totally stoked" nt

[Xavier Breath]

11. That's funny, but there is a certain logic to it

especially with that party.

If you're afraid of getting a rotten apple, don't go to the barrel. Get it off the tree.

[EarnestPutz]

12. "Weilding the hammer" - that acting, pinhead Speaker (WHN) swung the gavel with a vengeance.

[Marcuse]

13. Zach orders the office of the Member who cursed him and other interns reassigned to a men's room.

[qwlauren35]

16. Much better than Trump...

Anyone is better than Trump... even a Republican Intern.

Well. Let me think about it. Greene vs. Trump, Boebart vs. Trump.

Yup, Trump is the worst option.

[Attilatheblond]

17. Worth a try. They have only UP to go

Good luck, Zach. Might wanna borrow Indiana Jones' whip to get started. The GOP House Whip seems to need replacing too.

[UTUSN]

18. Hah! Should known, BOROWITZ

[BadGimp]

19. Let's Go Zach!!

[Yavin4]

20. I fully believed it until I clicked on the link. n/t

[calimary]

21. Andy Borowitz!!!

[Backseat Driver]

22. Hysterical...

Oh FPS, let "Give me librium or give me meth" get out the appliance to call the bingo numbers; in plain view of all, place GOP names in the wire ball one by one; spin it around, and draw. The name drawn is Speaker. Give that person plenty of time learning to use the gavel, 216 burner phones, a meet and greet with the Parlimentarian, and this training video.

[peppertree]

23. Let me guess: he slept with half the 'velvet mafia' in the Republican caucus

Always a good career strategy in the GOP.

[twodogsbarking]

26. This came to mind when choosing the Speaker is the subject...

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/S4v2DflMETM

[4lbs]

27. Zach can't be a real conservative. He correctly IDs the names on the coffee cups.

That tells me he knows how to properly read and write. As they said, he NEVER screws up their coffee orders.

He's not a screwup. He can't be conservative.

[republianmushroom]

28. Hopefully somethings can now get done.

[ZonkerHarris]

30. Jake from State Farm turned it down.

[tclambert]

33. Did he beat out the Mayhem guy from the Allstate commercials?

[Aussie105]

34. Zach looks like he has the goods!

Too young to be a Republican POTUS candidate, I suppose?

[JohnnyRingo]

36. Not enough indictments.

Georges Santos is more likely to be nominated.

[JohnnyRingo]

35. A national treasure.

There is much more at the link. Hilarious!