General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsBoomers are providing less child care to their grandkids than other generations
Boomers seem to have traded in the child-raising village for traveling. Now millennial parents say they have no one to support them.Millennials have put off having children, so boomers are the oldest grandparents ever.
At the same time, boomers are outspending other generations on travel and dining out.
Many millennial parents say they can't get the support they need from their parents.
Looking back on her childhood, Kristjana Hillberg said that it was "never a question" whether her grandmother would watch her and her brother when their parents went on a trip.
"If Mom and Dad ran out of town, we were at Grandma's," the 33-year-old told Business Insider. "Grandma wasn't going anywhere, and we always knew that."
But Hillberg, a mom of three, said there's no guarantee that her parents or in-laws would do the same for their grandkids — certainly not at the snap of a finger.
"We have to make sure that we are asking months in advance," she said, adding that their "own travel plans" often have to be factored in.
Hillberg's situation appears to be typical of a new generational dynamic in which boomers — those born between 1946 and 1964 — have become "too busy" to help raise the growing families of their millennial children.
https://www.businessinsider.com/millennials-say-boomer-parents-abandoned-them-2023-11
= new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight:
NoneDon't highlight anything
5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
msongs
(73,755 posts)
Celerity
(54,411 posts)
Prairie Gates
(8,157 posts)Glad somebody said it!
(I’m Gen X, we skate on through!)
LizBeth
(11,222 posts)is a lot of difference between forties and sixties.
Gidney N Cloyd
(19,847 posts)Because like you say, it is a big spread and it covers a very rapidly changing world.
LizBeth
(11,222 posts)we just make our own. And how cool is stepping away from the others with a smooth... Jones. Generation Jones. Lol. James Bond kinda way.
Merlot
(9,696 posts)
niyad
(132,446 posts)
thucythucy
(9,103 posts)To mention just one other "goodie" boomers--and here I'm talking about LGBTQ boomers--wre so lucky to endure.
Oh, and let's not forget a rape culture so prevalent there wasn't even a name for it back in the halcyon days of the 1960s.
Gore Vidal had it right: we live in "The United States of Amnesia," and the PTB just love it that way.
niyad
(132,446 posts)ExWhoDoesntCare
(4,741 posts)Missed out on gay-bashing and how bad rape was for women of that age group, then you weren't paying attention to the 80s.
I was a rape victim in the early 80s. I had plenty of people saying I deserved what happened to me because I met the ringleader of my attackers in the pool room area of the restaurant/bar I was at--*with my MUM.* Even my own female cousin who worked for the LEO department overseeing my case told the investigators, "She's a slut because she wears clothes that are too tight, and she's friends with black people."
Yeah, I totally missed out on the joys of rape culture.
You boomers think everything you did was better and you had it so much worse than everyone else at the same time. Nobody else has ever done as much as you or suffered as much, or anything as much as almighty you.
Just ask all of you.
thucythucy
(9,103 posts)I'm also a rape survivor, and my experience was somewhat similar to yours, including abuse from the police who were supposed to investigate the case. In fact, though the man who raped me had had others identify him as their assailant, and thus was at the very least suspected of being a serial rapist, the cops decided my case wasn't worth pursuing.
"You boomers" -- quite a lot of hostility in those two words. More on that in a bit...
Let me explain one difference between my experience in the 1970s and then moving into the 1980s.
When I was raped there was no such thing as a rape crisis center, at least not in the city where I lived. I didn't even think of reaching out for help around what happened, not after how I was initially treated by the police and close friends, until six years later, when I moved to a larger city that had a newly founded RCC. Like you, I was met by disbelief and worse from people I opened up to originally, so much so that I decided never to mention it again, until the nightmares and flashbacks got to be too extreme.
Getting back to "you boomers"--substitute any other noun that identifies a demographic and see how it sounds:
"You Jews..,."
"You Black people..."
"You women..."
"You gays..."
Ageism, like sexism and racism and antiSemitism, is a real thing, and it's sad to see it so widespread, even on a progressive chat board.
BTW, in terms of my grading my own personal suffering, or that of the boomer generation on any kind of scale; my parents came to America after enduring incredible hardship, my mother in Nazi Germany and my father as a survivor of six years in Soviet slave labor camps. So I certainly don't think nobody "has ever suffered as much..." as me or my age cohort. But I hope you can understand then a little of why I see people who complain that lack of free child care keeps them from enjoying their hoped for European vacation doesn't much impress me as a major life problem.
Again, I'm very sorry to hear about your experience, and hope that you've been able to find the resources and support you need. My own recovery began the first time I shared my story with a sympathetic counselor, and I can honestly say that the women at my RCC--where I eventually would work as a volunteer--saved my life.
Best wishes to you and yours, and best of luck with your recovery.
LizBeth
(11,222 posts)for women's drinks
thucythucy
(9,103 posts)I'm pretty sure that you are, but one can never tell.
Off on somewhat of a tangent here, but I can never watch the flick "Casablanca" without noticing how slimy the Claude Rains character is. He basically is coercing women, desperate to flee the Nazis, into having sex with him in return for exit visas. Yet he's treated as just such a lovable scamp, and emerges at the end of the movie as a hero about to begin "a beautiful friendship" with Bogart.
I can't imagine that being a part of any film today without push back about how rapey it is, which I suppose is progress.
But then again, who knows?
Best wishes.
ExWhoDoesntCare
(4,741 posts)Wasn't the only or the last of futile US military endeavours resulting in the deaths of young people...right?
The Jones generation were the troops of Lebanon, the Contra wars, the first troops sent to corral the Latin American drug wars and the troops who suffered from various military buffoonery in Iraq and the Middle East--especially Desert Storm. Maybe the numbers didn't go as high as Vietnam, but they weren't zero, either.
I bet you don't even remember the Iraqi attack on the USS Stark, but I will never forget it because it killed one of my childhood friends. Another friend was part of its military rescue operation. Imagine how he felt, being there when what was left of his friend's body was collected up, and yet he was the one who volunteered to escort the remains home to a heartbroken mother.
When I was living in LA, a neighbourhood family lost their eldest son in the Beirut attack.
Thousands of families and the friends of service members who died in the 80s and early 90s know that pain, but don't even get 1/1000 of the support for their loss that other military members have gotten before and since. We're still fighting to get help for our generation's troops exposed to depleted uranium, which merits barely any attention compared to Agent Orange. In fact, we know for a fact how little concern anyone has about depleted uranium, because the military *STILL USES IT* in their weaponry.
Every time we turn around, our generation has been spat on in a way far worse than any of the whinging lies boomers told about being spat on.
niyad
(132,446 posts)our younger people have gone/are going through, I was simply pointing out to somebody who seemed to have the same failure of which you accuse me that the "gifts" of the Boomer generation include Vietnam. Do not attribute to me attitudes that I have never displayed, and then attack me for them, as though I need lessons in what our country has been doing my whole life.
TheKentuckian
(26,314 posts)They will never even trust us enough to be mad we are scarce.
Well, except my ilk.
We will be so old we will actually be home so it is all up to the boozing.
msongs
(73,755 posts)Celerity
(54,411 posts)LizBeth
(11,222 posts)it was just a given.
viva la
(4,598 posts)Last edited Mon Dec 4, 2023, 02:08 PM - Edit history (2)
How many of you millennials really lived in Grandma's neighborhood? How old was she? Did she work? Was Grandad around?
Here's a fairly typical scenario of the last 80 years of American family life. It is typical of a middle-class life, though not universal. Nothing is universal in American life, except maybe the TV shows we watched as kids. (Hmm. Late- Boomer Mom and Dad live next door to his parents, who are retired, solvent, healthy, and always ready to bring over dinner and take the kids to their doctor appointment, also to butt in, tell Mom she's raising the kids all wrong, and object when Mom goes back to work. Sounds like... Everyone Loves Raymond, huh? That is, not your actual childhood.)
This will be long. Sorry. But 80 years is long.
1950s: Marge PostWar Mom and Dave PostWar Dad leave their different hometowns to go to college, where they meet and marry at 23. This being a boomtime, and them now having degrees, they don't go home to polluted factory towns they grew up in (no one wants to raise their kids there), but instead get jobs in a city half a country away, and move into a lovely new suburban development. (Hmm... the Dick Van Dyke show!)
Mom sadly lets go of her professional aspirations and spends the next 20+ years chauffering her 4 kids around. Problem with the lovely suburban development is that everything you need for life is a car-ride at least away. Grandma and Grandpa Depression Era are many miles away, now in their 60s, health broken by a lifetime of hard work, pollution, a Depression childhood and wartime adulthood. BTW, they had three children, who have each had at least 3 children (the BABY BOOM, remember). They have 10 grandchildren. They host Christmas each year and it about kills them each time. They wish their PW kids would invite them to live there in the spare room of the Lovely Suburban house, but the invitation never comes. They die before their grandkids graduate from high school.
1970s-90s. Linda Boomer and Mike Boomer each leave their separate suburbs and go off to separate colleges. They get degrees, and move to the same city and work for years before meeting each other in their late 20s. Let's just say, neither was a virgin when they married. They date for awhile, move in together for awhile, get married at 31. Takes a bit of awhile to get pregnant, and even longer for the second baby.
They are 35 and have two toddlers and that's enough. Linda is a professional and continues to work, except maybe for a few unpaid months of maternity leave. Childcare is not yet standardized, and hard to find-- mostly other Boomer women watching 4-5 kids in their homes.
(SOMEWHERE IN HERE, GEN X KIDS ARE RAISING THEMSELVES. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT GENERATION THEIR PARENTS ARE. OR WHERE THEY ARE. 
Linda and Mike split up when the kids are 10 and 11. Worst time. Kids (Millennials) come home, get off the bus, and watch Everyone Loves Raymond on TV. Mom calls five times every afternoon from work, telling them where the snacks are, and to get on with their homework. Once she's home, it's 3 hours of driving the kids from one activity to another. Everyone is frazzled. Usually they go to their dad's on the weekend.
Grandma and Grandpa do not in fact live next door. Marge PW and Dave PW are back in the suburbs 500 miles away, and occasionally visit, but they are both still working. When the kids get older, they're welcome to visit Gma and Gpa in the summer, and of course everyone goes there at Christmas.
When the kids go off to college, Linda gets laid off. There's a recession going on. She's got to downsize from the family house. Mike has another family house, but there are two younger kids there now. When kids come home from college, they can stay in Mom's little apartment, or with the half-sibs at Mike's house. Linda finally gets a job, but the benefits are minimal, and she has a long commute. She has to downsize again to a closer 1BR apartment with a pull-out couch in the den.
2000+ : Jessica Millennial and Joshua M meet in their late 20s. They both have professional jobs, big student loan debt, and maybe a starter marriage in the past. They live in a city where the rents are so high one might still have a roommate.("Friends" ) One or the other might also have a child already. They live together for awhile, get married at 32. With their good but inadequate salaries combined, they can afford a 2BR in the city or a 3BR in the burbs. They decide they want their (only) child to have a more diverse childhood, so opt for the city apt.
They'd love for Linda (Mike is too busy with the new kids) to move out there to help, but she's trying desperately to save enough money to make up for losing her pension when she got laid off 1 month before her pension vested. She also has started a side-business and with the regular job, works about 60 hours a week. She turns 70 next month. (Born in 1954.) Sometimes she watches Modern Family reruns and wonders why that's not her life.
When she does come out to help with little Emma GenZ, she contorts her back (aching from fibromyalgia) and her bad knee (badly repaired ACL-tear from 1996) onto the couch to sleep. Fortunately, she can check in on the side business online, but she's using one of her 2 annual vacation weeks for this visit. She sometimes dreams of cashing in her 401K and buying Jessica and Joshua and Emma a 3BR place so that she can retire there and live in the spare room, but that would be at least a million dollars.
That's not (quite) my story, but the story of a friend's family and life. The salient facts are:
College-educated kids usually move away.
Since the postwar period, age at first child is later and later. A 32-year-old boomer mom's daughter might have had her first child 35 years later, meaning Gma is 67 at the start.
And yes, we're living longer, but not necessarily completely intact.
Also... reality is not a sit com. Boomers did NOT mostly live next door to their grandparents because PW parents wanted to get away from the hometown and raise their families somewhere clean and new. (Suburbia.)
I might even go farther back to the early 20th Century. You know, Marge PW's parents were the children of immigrants who came here in 1906 from Europe. Marge didn't meet her own grandparents until she and Dave took a package tour of Europe for their 20th anniversary.
Demovictory9
(37,113 posts)Going off to college and not returning..thats definitely a factor in boomers not babysitting the kids
B.See
(8,505 posts)
DFW
(60,189 posts)When my dad, born near New York City, graduated from journalism school at 25 (he had a couple of years in the army during WWII), he got his first job with a tiny local paper in a one horse town in upstate New York. After a while there, they sent him to Albany, where he covered the Statehouse for two years. in 1950, his paper took a (then-) gutsy move and decided to open a permanent one-man correspondent's office in Washington. So, he moved there with my mom-to-be, and got a small house in Alexandria, Virginia to commute from. His father was born in Charleston, South Carolina, and had moved to New York after working his way through college in Massachusetts as a janitor. By the time my dad had established that his future was going to be the Washington political scene, and audaciously spent and borrowed every cent he had on a house "way the hell out there" in Virginia, his father was busy being deputy mayor of New York City. Not bad for the son of a poor tailor from South Carolina. My other grandfather lived all his 102 years in New York City, except for a stint in France during World War I.
His two daughters ended up in northern Virginia (my mom) and New Orleans in their early twenties. I think that counts as moving away.
I got into the "moving away" game early. I went to Spain when I was 16, one year of boarding school in Massachusetts after that (Ihated it), and then college in Philadelphia. My mom wanted me to go to business school (thought I had an "aptitude" for it). I was SO done with school, though, that I wanted a break from it all. I lived practically hand-to-mouth for a year there, and then got recruited by the outfit I still work for today. It has grown immensely, and so did my responsibilities and remuneration. In the month immediately following my graduation, I met the woman of my dreams in a cabaret in Berlin. When I got my job offer, I said I needed some extra time off to visit my new girlfriend in Germany. My CEO, who was my age (23 at the time), understood, and said OK on the condition that I make myself useful while I was there. He is still my CEO, is still my age (a bit more than that was in 1975), and in the meantime, now that we have offices in Paris, Düsseldorf, the Netherlands, Belgium, Switzerland and England, I guess I can claim to have made myself useful. My wife's parents have always had health issues, so she said there was no way she could move away. Her mom is still alive at 96, and lives in a town most maps ignore. I played the commuting game as long as I could, but the time came when enough was enough, and I finally moved here permanently. The paperwork went far more quickly than is normal from someone from the States, since I was married to a German citizen, had a long-term steady job, would never ask for welfare, and spoke fluent German. They like that kind of mixture--plus, they got to collect taxes from me, and gave nothing in return.
My job was originally based in Massachusetts, but when the Reagan recession destroyed the economy in 1982, it was clear that drastic cost-cutting would be needed. We merged with a rival who was in Dallas, and that was my official home ever since, until I moved over here to Europe permanently. I still keep the Dallas address for stuff like Driver's License, voting, stuff like that, and my address is the same as my CEO's house.
My parents, firmly anchored in Virginia/Washington obviously had no possibility to run over here to Düsseldorf to baby sit. Luckily, my wife made friends with several women (and their husbands) during her pre-natal "classes" that were held in our town here, and that remains our close circle of friends, even 40 years later. Since several of us live within close proximity, this became our circle of baby sitting when needed. We could all give our children to one or the other in case it was needed. We became Hillary's "village." My brother, after being stationed in Japan for a while, came back to Langley, and stayed in the area. He and his wife have two sons. It wasn't next door to my parents, and my father, like me, thought that "retirement" was what happened after three outs in a row at a baseball game. My mom had her own schedule, so while there was some minor baby-sitting, she was still a half hour away by car from that house they built in 1955. I guess you could call it a suburb of Falls Church, VA, a bustling metropolis of about 5,000 people, although it now has almost 15,000. I don't even know if towns of 15,000 can be said to have suburbs. My brother's two sons now live in Palo Alto, California and Kyiv, Ukraine. I think you can safely call that "moving away," as well.
Hekate
(100,133 posts)To which I would add: she was a businesswoman. She had a job. During the Great Depression my grandpa lost his shirt, and close to 50s he went on the road with the CCC, one of FDR’s programs. Grandma, the mother of 6 children, took in roomers, got her Realtor's license, and started them over financially. She and he ran that business until he died, then as a widow she continued the business into her 70s.
When on earth was she “available at the snap of the fingers” to babysit?
Business Insider tells a romanticized and sanitized story from the point of view of a few people who never lived it themselves.
viva la
(4,598 posts)Reality was always more stark. A friend of mine was remembering sharing a bedroom -- 4 kids in a 3BR house-- with her grandmother. Grandma was quite ill with heart disease, and my friend remembers waking herself up several times in the night to check to make sure she was still breathing. Grandma wasn't really able to babysit and couldn''t afford her own place.
How many young families nowadays would want an infirm and poor grandmother sleeping on a twin bed in a kid's bedroom?
thucythucy
(9,103 posts)there's no actual research or data to back this up, just some anecdotes, and from people pissed off because their vacation plans have been messed up by the ridiculous obligations imposed by their having children. The horror!
This inter-generation squabbling, which at best is cheap click bait and at worst is deliberately meant to divide and conquer, serves no one except those who stand to profit. And they are "journalists" who thrive by stoking contrived outrage, and right wingers trying to convince people that Social Security and other safety net programs, such as they are, are a con, better to cut taxes for billionaires and millionaires and let those selfish old and poor and disabled people suck it up.
As for anecdotes, many of the boomers I know are taking care of their own aging parents, and also doing the occasional stints baby sitting the grand kids.
Try taking care of a 92 year old with dementia sometime, in a society that provides little or nothing by way of support services for caretakers, and then see how much energy you have left over for child care.
My parents NEVER watched my kids. And I do watch my grandkids a LOT!
xmas74
(30,058 posts)But as yet another example of how our safety nets are collapsing around us. For many daycare costs are out of control. The acceptable fallback forever and a day has always been family,especially retired family. No family stepping up when needed means someone will miss work.
I'm glad my child is an adult. I couldn't afford daycare nowadays.
viva la
(4,598 posts)Other developed countries don't make women constantly make the choice between living/working and caring for their kids and grandkids.
pstokely
(10,891 posts)
brush
(61,033 posts)Enough of the generation wars. What is this, three days in a row now?
niyad
(132,446 posts)brush
(61,033 posts)
Blue Dawn
(970 posts)My two Millennial children haven't ever whined about anything to me. They are both pharmacists who worked hard to get good grades and currently are working long hours in their profession. They pay their own bills and are wonderful, decent, caring human beings.
Anyway, you probably don't care what I have to say, but it is frustrating to me whenever I see any age-group maligned. It perpetuates stereotypes that are unfair.
Just my opinion, of course. I wish you well and realize you meant no ill will.
JustAnotherGen
(38,054 posts)What the problem is? My parents raised us in NY with their parents in CA an AL. When we were really little - we were stationed in West Germany.
My parents figured it out. And what about family vacations? Can't they take their children? Why wouldn't they want to? When their children are grown - they can do what their parents are doing.
LizBeth
(11,222 posts)as a matter of fact when I finally allowed kids a week with grandparents at an older age they could communicate in law did something to youngest son that was the last time they had kids without me around.
brush
(61,033 posts)WTH?
Meanwhile I have noticed among family and friends that the Millennials are paying absolutely no attention to the needs of their aging boomer parents. They don't come home to visit and expect the Boomers to come to them.
LiberalFighter
(53,544 posts)B.See
(8,505 posts)Response to brush (Reply #3)
DURHAM D This message was self-deleted by its author.
Response to Demovictory9 (Original post)
RandySF This message was self-deleted by its author.
RandySF
(84,324 posts)the many grandparents who raised their grandchildren because mom and dad were impaired by drug abuse and/or mental illnesses.
Haggard Celine
(17,822 posts)That situation is very common here. In fact, it's so common that it's hard to say whether it's parents or grandparents who raise most of the children around here. It's also typical to see single parents who have jobs and have to rely on others to watch their kids while at work. I don't know how single parents do it without aid from their parents or a good friend. It's hard enough with two parents.
yagotme
(4,135 posts)No one to hand them off to when WE want to do something...
Tickle
(4,131 posts)Boomers are there for the grandkids moreso than when we, the Boomers, were raising our kids.
I know more grandparents that are raising their children kids, mainly do to addiction, then ever before
Oopsie Daisy
(6,670 posts)honest.abe
(9,238 posts)In the old days Grandma was less than 30 minutes drive away.
yorkster
(3,832 posts)
Delphinus
(12,522 posts)moved halfway around the country. I didn't make enough money to travel often, so the grandkids don't know me well. And with today's blended families, the ages of mine range from 31 to 3 (and the 3yo is a great grand).
hlthe2b
(113,973 posts)children got in trouble and were in danger of or actually HAD lost custody...
Just another generational hate story, IMO.
snowybirdie
(6,687 posts)Entered the workplace and had demanding jobs for many years. At retirement, we wanted to travel and enjoy ourselves. We love our grandchildren but it's ok to love ourselves a bit too. Good for us!
nitpicked
(1,834 posts)I know one woman who took in her son's children when both he and his wife had problems. The woman has energy...
BUT after 50 years of more women working outside the home, some boomers are still working (still too young for SS), while others (women and men) are still working because they can't afford to retire, some retirees are scraping by, and other boomers acquired infirmities (as I was about to say in another thread, if cleaning out litter boxes is a bit much, why get a new pet?). Some are living in 55+ communities or senior care facilities.
Overall, boomers wealthy/healthy enough to travel, IMO, make up a subset of all boomers.
ms liberty
(11,237 posts)
malaise
(296,118 posts)One of my siblings flew across the country to the West coast to assist with her granddaughter as the poor mom is stressed out. Her son, toddler’s dad, is overseas on a work related trip.
llmart
(17,623 posts)What Mom of a toddler isn't stressed out? It sort of goes with the territory when you have kids. 
malaise
(296,118 posts)😀
llmart
(17,623 posts)but their father was gone a lot for various reasons. It was during the Viet Nam war and he was in the National Guard. It required that he be gone for one, three-day weekend every month for six years, gone for six months for basic training, gone for two weeks every June for summer camp. He also had a job that required he travel occasionally. My parents were both dead and his parents were out of the picture. I was taught that if you thought you were old enough to get married and have children, you damned well better know that it's your responsibility to raise your children. It wasn't always easy but my children were always my top priority.
malaise
(296,118 posts)for sure
viva la
(4,598 posts)Neighbors and friends with kids too. Share the work.
Not everyone has that option, but it's definitely something Americans have done for generations.
JustAnotherGen
(38,054 posts)At 24 my mom had two little people and was often in Wiesbaden by herself while he took off on ops for multiple weeks.
Mad respect for both of you!
llmart
(17,623 posts)I had my two by the time I was 25.
Prairie Gates
(8,157 posts)
Seriously, though, aren’t most boomer’s grandkids getting too old for babysitting? Gen X’s kids are mostly teenagers or college aged now.
llmart
(17,623 posts)My daughter was 41 when she had her child. My granddaughter just turned 8. My daughter focused on her career and didn't marry until she was 35. I believe that is much more the norm now than when I was a young woman, at least among the college educated women.
I'm the grandmother of an eight year old and I've "done my time" so to speak, raising my two children without any grandparents on either side. My kids didn't have grandparents.
exboyfil
(18,359 posts)and my first grandkid was born this year. Many of my classmates also have young grandkids (maybe it is observation bias but it seems all my closest friends are becoming grandparents this year or last year).
Not sure how much childcare we will provide. My wife doesn't work outside the home but she is also a hoarder so my home is totally inappropriate for a small child. I plan to do as much as I can for the kid. Right now I am providing a lot of dog care for their border collie who has all sorts of mental problems (bad fear aggression to the point it can't be around a small circle of family members and no dogs besides the sheltie that lives with them).
I will be retiring at 68 if my employer lets me stay around that long so the kid will be in school before I can put serious time into childcare. I am also trying to figure out a job that I can do after retiring from my office job that involves lots of walking and light physical activity (no ladders and no working with dangerous equipment).
LizBeth
(11,222 posts)No grandkids yet but oldest has a rescue dog I have to babysit when they want to go out.
Bettie
(19,704 posts)people born 1960 and on tend to have a lot more in common with Gen X than they do Boomers.
Sky Jewels
(9,148 posts)So, no, not all of their grandkids are too old for baby sitting.
TheKentuckian
(26,314 posts)Though the eldest is really close now.
DFW
(60,189 posts)We are 71. Not everyone follows the same time schedule.
Two of the grandkids are 210 KM away in a small town in the Taunus Hills, and the other two are about 4000 miles away on another continent.
It's not like we can grab a taxi and rush across town on a moment's notice.
JustAnotherGen
(38,054 posts)When we moved back from West Germany - we moved to Rochester NY. My moms parents were in Tahoe and La Jolla, and my dad's were in Talladega Alabama.
It's not like my Gram or Grandmama could just drop their canning project and pop over for an hour or two. That's what teenage babysitters were for!
On that note though . . . they did watch my brother's daughter a lot - but they liked her.
My great niece Nova is here with us whenever she wants - because she's our vibe. She's 4 and a half and knows all the words to Smokestack Lightning and reminds me to put my blackberry garnish on my French Martinis. 
She's four going on 84.
phylny
(8,818 posts)We didn’t live near our parents for most of our daughters’ childhoods, but when my dad could, he’d watch them overnight a few times. Otherwise, we were on our own.
I was the primary caregiver for our granddaughter 2.5 days a week for work and her parents’ travel for two years. Now she’s in school for a half day, five days a week. I’m driving 2 1/4 hours Friday to watch her while her parents go to an office party.
I’ll do the same for our youngest daughter and any future grandchildren. In my close circle of friends, everyone who is a grandparent does similar care.
Demovictory9
(37,113 posts)phylny
(8,818 posts)and they are traveling down so we can watch her for the next few days while our daughter works remotely.
I. Can't. Wait!
sinkingfeeling
(57,835 posts)dine out around twice a week. However, I take my son and granddaughter with me to restaurants and pick up the tab.
Why should any grandparent have to be a paid-free babysitter?
viva la
(4,598 posts)Yeah, because we have been working for FIFTY YEARS.
And most of us didn't go out much for dinner or order in with Door Dash when we were 28.
Millennials can't compare their own relative poverty with someone 30 years older. (And there are LOTS of poor Boomers, btw. Maybe Millennial ought to be sending their parents a bit extra? When I was 35, I was paying my parents' utility bills.)
Sky Jewels
(9,148 posts)and pay for a higher education when you were younger. People under say, 40, have gotten the shaft on all of these things. Wages aren't going nearly as far. And that's not because the younger set is frittering away their money on Door Dash and avocado toast.
viva la
(4,598 posts)Back when I went to college, only about 20% or so did. And it was cheap, not expensive.
Now the majority of young people go to some form of college, and it's so expensive.
However, everyone can go to community college almost for free. Two years. I know it's not the perfect Joe College football game argyle sweater experience (that no one ever had ), but you can get the first two years of college almost free in many areas now.
Sky Jewels
(9,148 posts)many universities aren't accepting all or even a majority of credits from community college classes because they want the students to study with them for more than two years, which of course screws over the transfer students and defeats the point of them using community college as way to cut BA costs way down. So people who want to get more than an AA are often just stretching out their college years and college expenses.
We need to get back to massive government subsidizing of state/public universities. Everyone should have a low-cost and ideally free way to attend a four-year university, which most advanced countries manage to provide, along with universal public healthcare, etc.
viva la
(4,598 posts)And even the savvier students who started at the 4-year colleges have figured out they can take some Gen Ed courses for 1/3rd the cost at the community college.
That way they will be saving money for those course in their majors when they really want to be taught by the professors in their field.
But it took a state law to require the acceptance of transfer credits on a 1-1 basis.
ms liberty
(11,237 posts)It wasn't unusual at all for us, the kids I knew growing up. My Florida in the 60's was full of military people and their young families, as well as people looking to live in paradise. Lots of jobs, growth and great weather most of the year Grandparents lived in the cold places unless you were Cuban, Greek or Italian, and then your whole family lived there in Florida, because that's where they emigrated to when they got to America.
Editing to add that looking back it seems almost a golden time. We cared about education and public health, and consumerism was not the behemoth it is today.
marmar
(79,741 posts)
It’s honestly better if they ignore us. Keeps us out of their bullshit.
viva la
(4,598 posts)What years were your parents born? Early boomers, right?
Those were the latch-key childhood years, I bet. No after-school care, all the parents working.
JustAnotherGen
(38,054 posts)latch key kids.
There was child care - but at ten I had enough sense to let myself in the house and get my homework done if my brother had an activity after school - and I didn't.
I could also make scrambled eggs and do the laundry. At ten. I wasn't allowed to play with matches, but I was allowed to operate a stove. That's just wrong.
Sky Jewels
(9,148 posts)We really are the Nothing generation. In the words of Nirvana: "Oh well. Whatever. Nevermind."
Wingus Dingus
(9,173 posts)that apparently don't exist. 
JustAnotherGen
(38,054 posts)But we don't care!
Also - my parents didn't get a babysitter to go out for dinner on a Friday night starting when my brother turned 12.
Also - I was home alone for an hour when I was ten. I think the Millennials have made that illegal.
edisdead
(3,396 posts)I mean as a group they sure as shit didn’t really want to parent their own children. So why the fuck would people want to leave their children to them to watch?
EllieBC
(3,639 posts)I’m Gen X and while I grew up near my grandparents and saw them every week, they never really provided babysitting or daycare.
And I’m fairly certain that even if I still lived near her I wouldn’t ask or expect my silent generation mother to provide regular childcare.
The whining is strong in this article.
LiberalFighter
(53,544 posts)yorkster
(3,832 posts)in their 80's or 90's. Oldest boomers will turn 78 in January, but those born in the 50s or early 60s could be dealing with elderly parents or older siblings with health issues.
Also, many grandparents have children who live hours away, etc. Hence seeing the grandkids twice a year might be all that's possible, sadly.
Voltaire2
(15,377 posts)viva la
(4,598 posts)Millennials, if you want babysitting, you can't live hours away from Grandma and Grandpa.
DFW
(60,189 posts)I just blew 20 minutes on a post doing just that!
We knew from the beginning that having kids in Düsseldorf meant that grandparents in Virginia and a tiny town in Lower Saxony could not pop over on a moment's notice. My wife's parents don't even drive, never did. Her dad lost a leg at Stalingrad when he was 18, so the subject never even came up with him.
Chainfire
(17,757 posts)If they had children one of them is 500 miles away the other 5,000, so there wouldn't be a lot of "family" time anyway.
We still have "our" grandchildren. At the beginning of each school year, and at Christmas, we buy for children only identified by their fist names and their wish/needs list and their preferences. We spend on them just like we would if they were family. We will be delivering our packages for our "adopted" child, Asia, on Thurs. (she will have a good Christmas even if her parent(s) provide nothing !)
We like making physical donations, because we know that the "charitable foundation" will not be skimming 75% off the top for administration costs. The agency we have worked with for the past 20 years is super!
I think that we would have made good grandparents, but it was not our choice to make and I don't resent the absence of grandchildren. As far as "not having time" for grandchildren, in retirement, the one thing I have the most of is time.
Boomers are getting all kinds of flack now days, some of it deserved, some of it, not so much. A lot of younger folks resent us because we had and easier time economically than they did and that may be true or it may not be true. I am comfortable in my old age because I worked my ass off as a young person, in jobs that, in many cases, I really did not like," and did not spend every dime that I made. Some young folks don't understand that path.
If young folks want something to blame on us boomers, it should be that we stood by and let corporate America take our Democracy, without us firing a shot. Now they call all of the shots. Hell, we just didn't know any better, we expected our elected officials to be honorable, truthful and to look after our interests...We have been damn fools. Maybe the ones coming up behind us will do better...or maybe not.
Freddie
(10,104 posts)I retired early so I could watch my grandkids. Next year all 3 of my local grandchildren will be in school and I’ll finally be able to actually retire. My parents (Greatest Generation) were basically useless when my kids were little so I’m making up for them I guess.
Emile
(42,293 posts)help raising me. We took family vacations with our parents, just like we did with our kids. WTF
MOMFUDSKI
(7,080 posts)for the weekend. He said never again. He is 54.
edhopper
(37,370 posts)my parents lived across the country from me. But even if they were close, they traveled and had plans. My Grand parents were more stay at home. Do these people think their parents should sit at home and wait for a phone call to come watch the kids? Somebody has to fill those cruise ships.
hunter
(40,691 posts)Grandparents generally do most of the daycare here. If they are not living in the same house with their children and grandchildren they live within easy walking distance. All my immediate neighbors are families like that.
My wife and I are the odd ones out. Our children live in distant cities. They went away to college after high school and never returned.
marybourg
(13,642 posts)parents ‘ expected to take vacations alone or with spouse and leave kids with grandma. Grandmacare was for when you needed to go to the hospital! What a thing to whine about.
Diamond_Dog
(40,579 posts)
DBoon
(24,989 posts)another subset are working until their 70s because the retirement system has been gutted (thanks Reagan)
The more affluent boomers get better press because it generates more clicks and contributes to dividing Americans by generation. Attacking an older generation for being selfish and affluent is a great way to divert attention to the true inequalities of wealth in our society.
viva la
(4,598 posts)Same as when I had my kids. We moved away. My parents lived 800 miles from their parents. Saw my grandparents twice a year. Oh, and my grandparents immigrated here from Europe. My mom never met her grandparents till she was grown.
It's the American way.
Beaverhausen
(24,699 posts)And when I travel, it's to see them.
this is dumb.
NameAlreadyTaken
(2,301 posts)The most selfish generation ever. And I'm a Boomer myself.
Akacia
(651 posts)I`m a boomer too and most of my peers have both taken care of their parents in old age and then ended up raising their grandchildren too. It is so situational and anecdotal. There are selfish individuals in every generation so.
Beaverhausen
(24,699 posts)Not sure why you said this.
viva la
(4,598 posts)Many of us actually have helped support and manage the care of parents who are living (not well) into their 80s.
Delphinus
(12,522 posts)At least, wrong for me. I was there for my Mom until she died; lots of caretaking.
thucythucy
(9,103 posts)In fact, many of the boomers I know are dealing with aged and frail parents, including taking care of those with dementia, AND occasionally providing child care for their adult kids.
Must be I hang out with nicer people than you do.
niyad
(132,446 posts)Why are you repeating reichwing talking points? The most selish generation??? The people who marched, organized, fought for, women's rights, civil r8ghts, voting rights, who marched against the Vietnam war, for the environment? The most selfish generation??? Un-f'n-real.
Hekate
(100,133 posts)Voltaire2
(15,377 posts)
ismnotwasm
(42,674 posts)I’m not sure it’s a generational thing, but a time and income thing.
Absolutely obnoxious article, makes boomers look like selfish assholes, and millennials look like entitled brats 0/10
nolabear
(43,850 posts)I love my grandsons madly. We care for them regularly. But it’s an act of love, not a service on demand. We help them, they help us, it’s FAMILY. Consideration works all ways. If I was going to travel for a year the kids would say “Cool! How exciting!” And they’d arrange otherwise. The desire for free care in a loving relationship is great. But the expectation of being able to snap a finger? Honey, I ain’t your dog.
nini
(16,830 posts)Most boomers were raised by Depression era parents who taught us to figure things out basically. My mom helped with unexpected babysitting when my son was sick etc., but the day to day stuff was on me and as a single mom it wasn’t always easy. I had to miss out on a lot of things younger people were doing to get by. I think the sacrificing by not eating out a lot etc. is lost on too many.
Friends of mine worked different shifts so one parent could be home at all times to avoid paying for babysitting. It’s not easy but it can be done and grandma and grandpa can have their freedom they worked for.
Johonny
(26,183 posts)My parents are in their eighties. What exact care can they give my kids? Not much.
Response to Johonny (Reply #75)
Name removed Message auto-removed
elleng
(141,926 posts)but what do I know, according to their 'calendar,' I miss being a boomer by 1 year, too old!!!
As living beings/mammals, we all do what we can.
Wingus Dingus
(9,173 posts)took us far away. Somehow we coped, raising our own kids, staggered our work shifts, and paying for sitters when needed. Go whine some more, millennials.
Bok_Tukalo
(4,540 posts)OPE
Response to Demovictory9 (Original post)
Name removed Message auto-removed
GoCubsGo
(34,915 posts)Not all Boomers are retired. The ones at the tail end are only in their late 50s and early 60s. Most of them are still at their jobs. They're supposed to then come home and babysit?
Wingus Dingus
(9,173 posts)and be at the beck and call of your adult kids so you can babysit while they go have fun. 
Certainly not enjoying your well-earned free time and traveling while you still have health and mobility. How selfish.
...right on.
or maybe SOME of us boomers decided that maybe we ain't quite dead just YET... not by a long shot. Three and a half years sitting around trying to duck Covid and we're not supposed to go on a cruise?
Sorry bubba. Sign me UP! 
DBoon
(24,989 posts)Pensions are gone and social security is not enough to survive on
You have one unexpected life crises and your IRA is gone too
Iris
(16,875 posts)To be fair, they raised us without much more than some financial support from either set of grandparents, but my mother did not work outside of the home until the last of 3 was in school.
Rebl2
(17,743 posts)her husband are younger boomers and are still working, so they don’t watch their grandchildren that often.
Kaleva
(40,365 posts)I'm soon to be 65 and I'm watching grandkids aged less then 1 to age 9
Response to Demovictory9 (Original post)
Name removed Message auto-removed
ProfessorGAC
(76,706 posts)My grandmothers died when I was 2 & 3.
They were both quite sick for over a year before they died.
My parents got little help from their mothers, for me. Wasn't even possible.
We can do anecdotes all day and get nowhere.
When the author has broad-based data to support the conclusion, I'll listen.
Until then, m'eh. It's just speculation.
Mr.Bill
(24,906 posts)Our grandchildren are in their 30s. We are in the process of moving into a manufactured home on the property where our grandson lives, so we can be more available help with the great grandchildren. It would be nice, but I don't think we will be around for the next generation. We would if we could, though.
ecstatic
(35,075 posts)It was fun and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but when it was time for my parents to give back..... LOL! Yeah, no.
They'll let the kids come over (when they're in town, which is rarely these days), but it's equivalent to letting the kids stay home by themselves. The funny part is they keep demanding more grandkids. 🙄
Tree Lady
(13,282 posts)we live out of state so daily or weekly stuff couldn't happen, but two summers when we were in WA in mountains with swimming pool we took the kids 8 & 10 on camping trip to Canada then stayed at our house. I wanted to give my daughter who had busy job some rest.
Now those kids are mid to late 20's and the 25 yr old has two little ones my great grandkids. 9 months and almost 3. I help my daughter watch them sometimes when I go to visit.
My grandson loves to hike now and I feel good I taught him to love the mountains.
budkin
(6,849 posts)The majority of Boomers have always been about themselves.
thucythucy
(9,103 posts)or just some thinly veiled whining about how tough your poor wittle life has been?
B.See
(8,505 posts) yagotme
(4,135 posts)Have any stats to back that up???
flvegan
(66,281 posts)I refuse to broadbrush folks, least of all for what generation they happened to be born into. However, the folks they talked to for this article are the embodiment of millennial whining, asking where their participation trophy for parenting got off to. Getting upset because mom/dad/inlaws don't want to mind your (I'm sure oh-so-perfect) children while you run off to Europe for a couple weeks to "get away" or "recharge" sounds to me like you should've had a better plan. Maybe your folks would love to have little Johnny and Suzy every couple weekends, but the very idea of this "gentle parenting" makes them nope right out of it.
senseandsensibility
(24,978 posts)job receiving a much smaller pension by cutting her career short to move 400 miles away to take care of her newborn grandson. That's a real life anecdote. Without some kind of research and statistics, these stories are meaningless. For every wealthy retiree living the high life and refusing to provide childcare, there are others making real sacrifices. We are a huge country, the Boomers are huge population and their experiences and resources vary widely. Making generalizations without data is absurd.
thucythucy
(9,103 posts)I always wonder about the agenda of people pushing this sort of ill-informed excuse for journalism.
senseandsensibility
(24,978 posts)seems to be their goal. Division through resentment.
Hekate
(100,133 posts)My own mother was 3,000 miles away when I had my kids — then I moved and she was only 150 miles away.
This is America and we end up all over the place. What “village”? Life is not a Norman Rockwell magazine-cover painting.
This is like those fantasies about Ye Goode Olde Days when kids born in the ‘40s and ‘50s ran around all day until after dark doing dangerous things, plus their parents smoked in the car and seat belts hadn’t been invented yet.
As for the millennials, if part of their complaint is that they are working and their parents are retired, dig deep and pay for a babysitter, start a co-op with your friends — or conscript your 11 year old.
Hekate
(100,133 posts)When it comes to living our human lives, I don’t give them any credence at all. This is yet another highly divisive “Selfish Boomers” article. Essentially clickbait — yet we all fall for it again and again.
redwitch
(15,262 posts)Our grandchildren live about a 3 minute walk from us. 15, 4, and 17 month old triplets!
We help plenty and wish we didn’t have to work so we could do more. My husband has a flexible schedule and goes over to mind the 3 littlest so DIL can take the 4 year old to preschool several times a week. We love them so much! We don’t have the money to jet around the world so maybe things would be different if we were wealthy. But I doubt it. My husband is a champion PopPop! And I love being a grandma!
treestar
(82,383 posts)their own grandparents had tons of grandkids, so there would be no example. My grandparents were nearby, and we saw them as a family. Only on a few occasions did we stay with them while the parents went somewhere. The other set retired to the beach and we were lucky to have that place to stay - parents with us those times. Our mothers stayed home so no need for day to day type care.
Our parents on the other hand, had fewer grandchildren. My parents did not babysit much but took the grandchildren to plays or music lessons or to museums. As for day to day care, our generation arranged for someone else.
shanti
(21,799 posts)Mom and Dad had a truck/fifth wheel and were snowbirds so they were decidedly NOT around for my sons to benefit from babysitting, and they were often traveling. My dad was not grandfatherly and he and mom moved to rural Arizona to live, a state away. Sis had her own sons and they got the same treatment. Mom's parents were my "grandparents", but I didn't spend much time with them either. However, the summer of '65 I spent with my grandmother and I will always treasure that time with her.
I still believe that the multi-generational family paradigm works out best for everyone, but Americans are still stuck on the nuclear family.
GoodRaisin
(10,922 posts)Our millennial children don’t have normal work hours. We pick up our grandkids at school and daycare and keep them when they are sick. I love picking up my 10 year old grandaughter on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Grandma takes the babies age 2 and 4. It’s no problem, we’re both retired and home. We wouldn’t have it any other way and it’s a huge help for my son and his wife.
Dorian Gray
(13,850 posts)but they didn't rely on my grandparents to care for us. I had older cousins who would stay with us.
We don't take week long trips without my child. So..... in that way things have changed, I guess. I know none of her grandparents would take her for a week, and it hasn't occurred to me to ask or be frustrated about it. She comes on our trips.
boston bean
(36,931 posts)I and my husband worked off hours. He during the day, me second or night shift.
Our parents and one set of great grandparents did help us a lot for a couple hours a day on work days.
We all made some sacrifices. I was forever grateful to them.
I don’t have any grandchildren at this time. But if I do, I plan to help as much as I can.
Think. Again.
(22,456 posts)...has anybody here read the latest IPCC report?
Woodwizard
(1,322 posts)My grandparents were too far away my mother worked nights. Now as grandparents we watch our granddaughter 4 days a week. My wife does most I am still working but being self employed I am flexible to fill any gaps.
I love watching her grow and develop she will be turning 4 and is a joy to have.
Response to Demovictory9 (Original post)
sinkingfeeling This message was self-deleted by its author.
truddy777
(112 posts)Last edited Thu Jan 22, 2026, 06:31 AM - Edit history (1)
Boomers choosing travel over babysitting feels normal now. Family help is less reliable, so childcare gaps show up fast and the cost adds up.
That shift pushed us to find a stable option. So we used an au pair through Go Au Pair for a year, and the predictable schedule worked far better than waiting on family availability.